"Lost": episode 1x12 "Outlaws"

Staring: Josh Holloway as Sawyer, Evangeline Lilly as Kate, 
Matthew Fox as Jack (aka Dr. Hero, Dr. Jackass, etc.), Dominic 
Monaghan as Charlie, Naveen Andrews as Sayid, Terry O'Quinn 
as Locke, Jorge Garcia as Hurley and Emilie de Ravin as Claire

Guest staring: Robert Patrick as Hibbs, Jeff Perry as Duckett 
and (somewhat minor spoiler here) John Terry as Christian 
Shepard (aka Jack Sr.)


Okay, so I'm using Robert Patrick's guest appearance as an 
excuse to recap an episode of "Lost" because A) I love the 
show to the point of obsession, B) I spent an entire semester 
analyzing it for a television class (referring to this episode 
specifically a couple times) and I just don't seem to know 
when to shut up and C) I am totally insane.

Previously on "Lost": a 747 flew into the South Pacific 
equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle, broke into about a half 
dozen pieces mid-air and crash-landed on The Island of No 
Return, yet somehow 48 people survived - all of them fitting 
the Hollywood definition of "pretty". JJ Abrams proved that 
his obsession with numbers and ridiculous leaps of logic 
extends beyond "Alias". Seriously. The opening scenes of the 
Pilot were cool, but if you try to analyze them they make no 
sense whatsoever. I mean, I know it works for dramatic 
purposes, but in order for Jack to have woken up where he did, 
he would have to have been ejected from his seat, thrown 
completely out of the plane, shot a hundred yards or so into a 
freakin' forest and somehow, miraculously, landed in a 
clearing with nothing more than a gash in his back and a 
couple scrapes on his cheeks. Or maybe he fell out of the sky 
or something, but either way he should be dead. And the same 
goes for Locke, although at least he wasn't in any danger of 
slamming headfirst into a tree. By the way, none of this is 
actually in the "previouslys" for this episode. I just had to 
say it. Ahem.

Previously on "Lost": Dr. Jack got his surgeon father fired 
because he (the father) tried to operate while drunk and 
killed a patient. The clip neglects to mention that he would 
have gotten away with it if Saint Jack hadn't found out the 
patient was pregnant, making Doctor Holier Than Thou pull a u-
turn and snitch him out. I guess I should mention that I have 
a love/hate relationship with Jack. Which is to say that he's 
a short-tempered, hypocritical, masochistic, patronizing jerk 
with daddy issues, bleeding heart syndrome and a God complex, 
but I still somehow find him endearing. Sometimes. When he 
doesn't make me want to slap him stupid.
   Chrissy: Wow. Nearly a page already and you're not even out  
    of the previouslys. That's gotta be a record.
   Diandra: For god's sake, woman, would you *knock* before 
    you barge into my house?
   Chrissy: What? It's not my fault you have a dummy security 
    system and both of your "guard dogs" are blind and deaf.

Oh, and the clip also doesn't point out that at the time of 
the crash Jack was passed out with several glasses worth of 
hard liquor in his bloodstream because the apple apparently 
does not fall far from the tree. 
   Chrissy: Move on already.
   Diandra: I'm getting there. Keep your panties on.
Anyway, Kate also found out that "Sawyer" is not Sawyer's real 
name. He named himself after the confidence man that destroyed 
his family, who he vowed to kill in a letter he's been 
carrying with him since childhood because every character on 
this show - especially the males - is driven by angst.

We open on a shot of a child's eye. One of the things I 
analyzed about this show was it's use of symbolism, but I 
still can't for the life of me figure out what, exactly, this 
eye theme means. The kid's mother shakes him awake and says 
"he's here". "He" obviously being the man pounding on the door 
outside and screaming angrily. She tells him to get under the 
bed and be *really* quiet and don't come out no matter what 
happens. So we pretty much know she's toast. She tells the kid 
she loves him and he replies "I love you too mommy" in a cute 
little kid voice. Yep, she's toast. She flees the room and he 
watches the shadows under the door from his hiding spot. The 
camera stays on this as we hear the man burst into the house, 
followed by a lot of screaming and banging and threats. Then 
there's a gunshot and silence, broken only by some ominous 
footsteps and the Twanging Chord of Children Soon to Be 
Orphaned. A man's legs enter the frame. He's wearing cowboy 
boots in case we forgot that Sawyer is from the south. The man 
sits on the bed, loudly cocks a gun, fires and his legs 
buckle. Okay, I'm not an expert on firearms, but that sounded 
an awful lot like the sound effect usually used when somebody 
cocks a rifle. Is that really the most efficient weapon to use 
when you're going to commit suicide? I mean, how the hell do 
you reach the trigger?

Anyway. On the Island of No Return, Sawyer wakes with a start. 
He hears rustling and snorting and turns on a flashlight to 
find a boar rustling through the stockpile he's been gathering 
since the plane crashed. He grabs a conveniently handy stick 
and swings, seemingly at random. The boar takes off running, 
taking Sawyer's tarp shelter with it. He runs into the jungle 
after it, screaming angrily and waving his stick, looking not 
unlike a deranged caveman chasing a baby mammoth. Several 
castaways watch this comic display from the sidelines. Sawyer 
loses the boar and starts to head back when he hears 
whispering voices, much like the ones Sayid heard after he 
escaped from the "Crazy French Lady" several episodes back. 
They're mostly unintelligible and overpowered by the Dissonant 
Chords of Hey, Isn't This Creepy? (answer: not as much as it 
was the first time), but at the end of it one voice very 
distinctly hisses "It'll come back around." And we go to the 
creepy opening logo with no theme music.

Commercials. Does anybody else think that the photographer 
desperately trying to get the kid to smile in the Lays 
commercial looks a lot like Conan O'Brien? 

Sawyer is going through the wreckage that was his campsite 
when Sayid, the lovable Iraqi, strolls up and says "boar took 
your tarp," in a half-skeptical, half-amused voice. He says he 
thought the boar had vacated the area, so what was one doing 
in his tent? "It was staring at me," Sawyer snaps. Yeah, that 
makes you sound less crazy. He says it came at him and he hit 
it and it ran off. "With your tarp," Sayid adds. Then, in a 
hilarious voice, he says "perhaps he wanted to go camping." 
Josh Holloway tries not to laugh as he asks, "are you enjoying 
yourself?" Sayid smirks, "Yes." Hee! Sawyer says laugh away, 
but if his stuff disappears "I'm coming after you." Sayid 
smiles, his expression clearly saying "yeah, like I'm afraid 
of you, you American hillbilly. I used to torture people for a 
living." He starts to saunter off when Sawyer calls "Sayid!" 
Oh my god, he didn't use a nickname. Okay, just give me a 
second to recover over here... Sawyer asks what Sayid heard 
when he was coming back from Crazy Frenchie's Rabbit Hole. 
Sayid, who we all know heard the voices in the jungle, tries 
to write it off as a delusion brought on by exhaustion and 
pain. "Why, did you hear something," he asks suspiciously. 
Sawyer says nah. It's nothing. Never mind. I'm not crazy. 

There's a long shot of Sawyer walking away in slow motion so 
we know a flashback is coming. And, with the standard 
Whooshing Sound of Time Shifts, we move to a hotel room. Or 
apartment. Something. Sawyer stumbles in with some 
unidentified chick, his tongue most of the way down her 
throat. They make some mumbling foreplay talk and he carries 
her, giggling, to the bed. A familiar voice comes out of the 
dark corner of the room to announce that this is "really 
awkward." The girl gasps and Sawyer looks...well, like he was 
just interrupted in the middle of something interesting. 
Robert Patrick snaps on the lights and says he figured he 
should say something before things got really embarrassing. I 
have to wonder what kind of criminal Sawyer is that people can 
sneak up on him so easily. "Hello Sawyer," Robert says in a 
voice that makes my "bad guy" meter start beeping off the 
chart. Then again, that sometimes happens when Robert plays 
the good guy too, but like I've said before, I always expect 
Robert's characters to turn evil at some point. He apologizes 
to the girl and says he just needs a few minutes with Sawyer. 
I'm guessing he doesn't want to kill him because he obviously 
could have done it by now what with Captain Oblivious making 
it so easy for him and all. 

Sawyer ushers the girl to the door and tells her to go to the 
bar and he'll come get her and explain everything (yeah, 
right) when he gets rid of Robert. Oh, fuck it. His name is 
"Hibbs" okay? I just can't for the life of me figure out when 
his name was revealed in this episode. Hibbs starts 
complimenting "Sawbucks" (guess we know where he gets the 
nicknaming thing from) on being able to find such "beautiful" 
women to "work [his] grill" before the door is even fully 
shut. Ew. Sawyer responds by slamming him into the nearest 
wall. Dude. This is the guy who was kicking the crap out of 
*Arnold Schwarzenegger*. Do you really think this is a good 
idea? Sawyer expositions that he said he'd kill Hibbs if he 
ever saw him again. I'd like to see you try, Sawyer. Given the 
total incompetence you've displayed thus far as a criminal, 
I'm guessing you'd probably just get yourself killed. Hibbs 
gurgles that he just wants to "make things right" and "son, we 
both know you ain't the killing type." Because, you know, he 
may act like a jackass, but deep down he's a big ole softie. 

Sawyer let's go and Hibbs pulls a big ass envelope out of his 
jacket, saying it will make them even for the "Tampa job". 
It's the "known whereabouts of the man who ruined your life". 
He goes to make himself a drink and yammers something about 
"Old Man Parks" and "that gig in Atlanta", but I frankly have 
no idea what he's talking about and I don't think I'm supposed 
to. I'm just enjoying the sound of his voice right now.
   Chrissy: We need to have a long talk about this.
   Diandra: (innocently) What?
Apparently some guy at a bar in Sydney got himself plastered 
and started running off at the mouth about his "glory days as 
a drifter". His name's Frank Duckett and he was a confidence 
man (slept with married women and tricked their husbands out 
of money). He was good at it until one husband up and shot his 
wife and then himself. Sound familiar? Sawyer glares at Hibbs. 
"All in front of their little boy," Hibbs adds, looking about 
five shades of EVIL. Seriously, this episode went a long way 
in convincing me that Sawyer is a gullible moron. 
   Chrissy: He's cute though...
   Diandra: Yeah, yeah, he's the sexy bad boy and Kate should 
    be just throwing herself at him, blah blah. 

The camera gets up reeeeaaaal close as Hibbs smarms "turns out 
Frank Duckett used to be named Frank Sawyer. A name I believe 
you've appropriated for yourself." Yes, we saw that in the 
previouslys, thanks. Sawyer glares at a picture of a guy who 
looks like somebody's Uncle Joe on vacation in Florida (he's 
not the studliest guy in the world is all I'm saying) and asks 
if that's him. Hibbs, the camera practically in his lap now, 
says yep and calmly takes a drink. Yeah, he is clearly up to 
no good here people.

The Whoosh of Flashbacks takes us back to the island, where 
Kate is taking apart her gun and handing it to Dr. Hero to put 
back in the briefcase. She asks if anyone's suspicious where 
they came from. He says they knew there was a US Marshall on 
the plane and they probably assumed he was traveling alone and 
"protecting them from terrorists." Oh, come on. When I get on 
a plane, I'm more worried about the nine billion or so 
airplane parts that could malfunction or the communications 
system going dead or any of the other million things that 
could go wrong and cause a crash, all of which are more likely 
to happen than FUCKING TERRORISTS TAKING OVER THE PLANE, but 
apparently that's just me. Besides, they found the damn 
handcuffs. They knew the marshall was escorting somebody, they 
just suspected it was Sawyer. Jack puts the case against a 
tree or something and covers it with leaves. Kate asks if he 
got all the guns back. He says all but one. "Who," she asks. 
"I'm gonna give you three guesses," he snarks, but those of us 
who watched the show from the beginning blurted "Sawyer" 
before he even opened his mouth. 

They start walking... somewhere and she says she can get the 
gun back. He asks how she thinks she can do that. She says she 
"speak[s] his language." Which is what? Southern Redneck? 
Caveman? Dr. Condescending points out that they've gone 
through this before and as he recalls she made out with Sawyer 
and it turned out he never even had the thing they were trying 
to get from him (Shannon's inhalers). And that's her fault? 
Shove it, Jack. Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on him...
   Chrissy: A little?
   Diandra: Shut up.
...I guess the reason he bugs me so much is because he has 
Michael Vaughn's ability to go from zero to full throttle in a 
tenth of a second. It doesn't bother me with Vaughn because... 
well, he's hot when he's pissed, but also because he knows 
Sydney could kick his ass with both hands tied behind her back 
and he respects her for it. Whereas Kate is often the target 
of Jack's snippiness and the way he patronizes her makes me 
want to kick his ass. Actually, Jack also has the ability to 
cry at the drop of a hat, so I guess he's more like Michael 
Vaughn *and* Sydney Bristow steamrolled into one all-purpose 
protagonist, but anywho...

I should point out that it is *Jack* that bugs me. I have no 
problem with Matthew Fox. Although the only other thing I've 
seen him in  - scratch that, the only thing I *remember* him 
from - was "Haunted" as I basically lumped "Party of Five" in 
with "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Melrose Place" in the category 
of Shows I Avoided Like the Plague. And the clearest memory I 
have of "Haunted" is the last episode where he spent, like, 
half of it tied to a bed because this ghost didn't want his 
daughter to know he and his wife had been dead for over a 
month. You'd think she would have figured it out though, what 
with their odd behavior and the OVERWHELMING STENCH OF 
DECOMPOSING BODIES emitting from her parents bedroom. Moron. 
Then again, by that point, the smell should have been so 
powerful that Frank would have noticed it the second he 
regained consciousness and they could have shaved a good ten 
minutes off the episode but...
   Chrissy: I'm sorry, are you recapping that show or this 
    one?
   Diandra: Oh, fine.

Kate smart-asses that she made out with Sawyer because 
torturing him didn't work. Well, it made Dr. Jackass feel 
better at least. Jack tells her to just let him keep the damn 
gun because "it's not worth it." "Why," she sasses. "Are you 
afraid he's gonna shoot me if I ask?" He says he just doesn't 
want her to "owe him" anything. What, are you her pimp now? 
Shut up, Jack. Kate gives his retreating back a withering 
stare and sighs. I hear ya, honey.

Charlie, the formerly drug addicted hobbit who can't seem to 
freakin' stop reminding people that he used to be in a band, 
is futzing with...something when the absurdly pregnant Claire 
drops by to chat. He asks how she's feeling. "Very pregnant," 
she sighs, then she says she remembered some more things last 
night. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that whole amnesia plot 
device. Er, I mean "story line". She says he was in them. 
"Sorry," he says automatically. Heh. As you should be you 
creepy little man.
   Chrissy: What? He's cute. 
   Diandra: Ah yes. Memories of all your hobbit worshipping 
    during the "Lord of the Rings" recaps just came flooding 
    right back to me. 
   Chrissy: Oh, bite me, you Elf Pervier.
Claire asks if he wants to go for a walk with her. He says no, 
he has to go..."do something". He slinks off, leaving her to 
just sit there looking dejected. Way to blow off the only girl 
on the island who has shown any interest in you so far, 
CHARLIE. 

Sawyer is strolling through the jungle and finds his tarp 
crumpled up by a tree. He snatches it up angrily and marches 
back toward the beach. He is interrupted by the Mysterious 
Doomsday Voice whispering "it'll come back around" again. Then 
a boar comes stampeding out of the woods at him and he runs, 
ditching the tarp. The boar knocks him ass over teakettle and 
runs off squealing, leaving Sawyer siting in a mud puddle, 
shouting "you son of a bitch!" Yes, you are, but what is he? 
   Chrissy: What are you, six years old?

So Kate has apparently decided that she needs somebody on whom 
to take out her frustrations with Dr. Patriarch as she is now 
taunting Sawyer. "A boar did all this," she asks with the same 
skepticism as Sayid. Y'know, one day these people are going to 
learn that constantly questioning a person's sanity doesn't 
really help the situation and in fact just upsets them even 
further. Sawyer says the boar wrecked his tent and then 
attacked him from behind and ran off into the jungle "like a 
coward." As opposed to what you were doing, Sawyer? Kate 
points out that boar don't just attack people for no reason, 
although isn't the fact that it's *Sawyer* reason enough? He 
says this one did and it's "harassing" him. Paranoid much? I 
mean seriously. How does he know it's even the same boar? Is 
he wearing a little plaque around his neck that says "Hi! My 
name is Bill"? He loads his gun and announces that he's going 
to get even with the little bastard. Kate laughs and says it's 
a *boar* for god's sake, "just tell Locke and he'll go kill 
it." Actually, Locke is kind of busy right now with the Hatch 
of Doom, but I guess she doesn't know that yet so never mind. 

She asks if he knows anything about hunting boar. What? She 
does? She says he could get himself lost or "worse". I'm 
assuming "worse" is a nice way of saying "killed" because, 
really, what else could it mean? Tied to a tree and tortured 
by Sayid again? Kidnapped by the pirate rejects who call 
themselves "the others"? Anyway he asks why she cares so much 
about him. She says she doesn't. I've got a heated kiss, a few 
longing stares and pages worth of fanfiction that says 
otherwise, lady. He says okay then and stomps off. The Whoosh 
of Impending Flashback takes us to...

Sydney. Sawyer walks down a dock and goes into a warehouse or 
something to talk to a guy with a thick Aussie accent who 
recognizes him as "Hibbs' mate". I think. I can only 
understand about half of what he says. Apparently he knows 
Hibbs somehow and he calls him a "nice enough fella." "He's a 
son of a bitch," Sawyer spits. Aussie Guy says yeah, that too. 
Heh. He gives Sawyer a gun and warns him that Australia 
doesn't allow citizens to carry handguns, which explains why 
they have a lower handgun-related violent crime rate than the 
US. Sawyer promises not to rat him out and Aussie Guy hands it 
over, expositioning that this is not the kind of gun a guy 
uses to scare people or rob a bank. It's the kind of gun he 
uses to kill people. "But when it comes down to it, if he 
finds he doesn't have what it takes to do the job..." Sawyer 
snarks that Aussie Guy's sales pitch could use some work. 
Aussie Guy isn't dissuaded: "you look a man in the eye and you 
point a gun at him, you find out who you really are, mate," he 
intones. "And should you find you're not a killer, there's no 
refund." Sawyer assures him it won't be a problem. Is that 
*harp* music playing in the background? Seriously? 

Commercials. I love that Citibank commercial with the yutz 
fast-forwarding through Grandma Smith's recorded will to get 
to the part about him. Although, frankly, it's really pretty 
sad when you think about it. Ew. Is that Dennis Franz naked in 
a shower? [shiver] I think I've just been scarred for life.

Charlie and Hurley, the comic relief fat guy, drag Ethan's 
body to a clearing to bury it. Charlie says Hurley doesn't 
have to do this, he can handle it. Hurley says yeah, "until he 
rises from the dead." Ah, so you're familiar with JJ Abrams' 
work? Hurley, who has obviously seen many horror movies, says 
he knows how this is going to end. "You and me, running 
through the jungle, screamin' and cryin'. He catches me first 
because I'm heavy and I get cramps." And don't forget you're 
also the comic relief and the one warning Charlie of the 
potential danger. I mean, if we're going to start using horror 
movie clichés, we might as well go all out. Charlie just digs 
sullenly. There's a cool shot of Ethan's hand sticking out of 
the bag he's wrapped in while they dig in the background but 
it's resemblance to something one might see in a horror movie 
combined with the previous conversation is fairly disturbing. 
Hurley asks Charlie if he's okay and Charlie ignores him. 
Because he's filled with ANGST like every other guy on this 
show, Hurley, or haven't you figured that out yet? And I've 
never seen "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or whatever the heck it is 
Jorge Garcia was on before "Lost". Was he the comic relief guy 
there too? 'Cause I just remember him as the guy from 
"Becker". And I didn't think he was nearly as funny as Bob, 
but then again, who is?

So Hurley goes to talk to Sayid and asks if he ever got Gulf 
War Syndrome. Sayid reminds him that he was on the *other* 
side of that particular battle because, you know, any 
opportunity the writers can create to remind the audience that 
Sayid is from Iraq is apparently a good thing. Hurley says oh, 
that's right. Well, what's the one with the, you know, shell 
shock? Sayid says it's PTSD (that's Post Traumatic Stress 
Disorder, not some sort of illegal drug). Sayid asks why the 
sudden interest in psychological disorders resulting from 
fighting in a war. Hurley says he's worried about Charlie 
seeing as he hasn't been his usual obnoxious blithering self 
lately. He reminds the viewers who are just tuning in to the 
show that Charlie shot Ethan dead last week and asks if Sayid 
would talk to him.

Back in the jungle, Sawyer squats to inspect something on the 
ground. Kate appears out of nowhere and announces that he's 
looking at a footprint and judging by the weight and stride 
she'd say he's been following Boone for the last hour. Several 
fanfiction writers run squealing for their computers, armed 
with a new potential slash pairing. Sawyer doesn't lie and 
point out that following Locke's lackey could logically lead 
him to boars. Instead he just tells her to take a hike. She 
interrupts him mid-send off to say she wants Carte Blanche for 
helping him find the boar because he clearly doesn't have a 
clue. Apparently she has nothing better to do than follow him 
around the island all day, watching him track "humans, birds, 
a rockslide, yourself...basically everything except boar." 
Then she explains, for the slow audience members (and Sawyer I 
guess), what Carte Blanche is and he reluctantly agrees.

Night. The most dysfunctional couple in television history 
sits by a fire, Sawyer guzzling a tiny airline bottle of 
booze. Kate says Dr. Alcoholics Anonymous was looking for the 
liquor cart. Yeah, I bet he was. Sawyer says it's a good thing 
he found it then, which I doubt has anything to do with Jack's 
issues with alcohol because I don't think Sawyer knows 
anything about that. She asks if he has any more. He says he 
has a "lot more of everything." What is *that* supposed to 
mean? He says if she wants it she'll have to play "I Never" 
with him. Kate doesn't know what that is. Sawyer says she's 
clearly never been to college then because apparently it's 
some sort of popular college drinking game. Yo, Sawyer. I'm in 
college right now and I never heard of it until I saw it in an 
episode of "Veronica Mars". Then again, that's probably 
because I don't go to frat parties. I'm boring, I know. He 
explains the rules to her (say something you've never done and 
anyone who has done it has to take a drink). She says it makes 
no sense. No, Kate, it doesn't because it's a *college* 
drinking game. It's basically just an excuse to get drunk. 

Sawyer begins by saying "I never kissed a man." A sizeable 
group of slashers shriek in dismay and psychically urge JJ to 
do something about this. Kate rolls her eyes and drinks. She 
says she's never suggested she's been to college when she 
really hasn't. Sawyer drinks because Kate has obviously 
correctly pegged him as a dumb hick who barely (or maybe 
didn't) graduate from high school. He says he's never been to 
Disneyland. She doesn't drink. "Aw, that's just *sad*," he 
declares. The producers would like to remind you that you are 
watching this show on ABC, which is owned by Disney. Yech. 
That was, like, a step above the blatant Ford product 
placements on "Alias". She says she's never worn pink. He 
sighs and likely wishes he'd suggested they play spin the 
bottle instead as he takes a drink. She giggles. "The 80s," he 
mutters. Heh. He says he's never voted Democrat. Gee, a half-
wit southern hick criminal with a bad attitude not voting 
Democrat? Color me shocked. She fires back that she's never 
voted *period*. Probably because it's not exactly a priority 
for fugitives. He drinks. 

"I've never been in love," he says, suddenly serious. She has 
a hard time believing this, although I don't know why. She 
says she's never had a one night stand. He throws up his hands 
in defeat, takes a big slug of his bottle, coughs and asks if 
he has to drink for every one. Heh. He says he's never been 
married. She takes a tiny sip and says it didn't last long. 
Excuse me? Three episodes worth of flashbacks about her and 
this is all we've ever heard about this? What the hell? Wonder 
if her ex-husband hooked up with Jack's ex-wife in some sort 
of support group for the emotionally scarred or something.
   Chrissy: Actually, knowing her he's probably dead.
   Diandra: Oh, yeah...good point.

She says she's never blamed a boar for all her problems. He 
squints at her, drinks and fires back that he's never used 
Carte Blanche as an excuse to spend time with the one other 
person on the island who "just don't belong". Wow, that was 
long winded. 
   Chrissy: Well, you would be the expert on all things long 
    winded.
   Diandra: Oh, blow me.
She drinks and says she's never carried a letter around for 20 
years because she just couldn't let go of her baggage. Um, 
Kate? Remember the little toy plane? Glass houses? Stones? 
Yeah, not such a good idea. The camera is totally up in their 
faces now as he says he's never killed a man. They both drink. 
Ah, foreshadowing. Silence. He says it looks like they have 
something in common after all. Yeah, you'll both die alone and 
bitter.

Commercials. Oh, look, two ads for Ford. Why am I not 
surprised?

And now we're back with the young, not-yet-orphaned Sawyer 
under the bed. Except this time, the man with the cowboy boots 
turns into a snorting boar mid-approach so we know it's a 
dream sequence instead of an actual memory. Kate shakes him 
awake and asks if he's okay because he was "shaking" in his 
sleep. What happened to not caring, huh, Kate? He says he's 
fine, then looks around to find the contents of his backpack 
strewn all over the ground like the World's Smallest Tornado 
blew through their camp. Kate points out the hoof marks all 
over the place and says the boar left her backpack alone and 
went straight for Sawyer's. Nearby branches start rustling and 
Sawyer dives for the gun he was supposed to give to Sheriff 
Jack. It's just Locke, who appears strangely calm for a man 
with a crazy redneck pointing a gun at him. "Good morning," he 
says around a mouthful of fruit. "What happened to your 
campsite?" Heh.

Cut to Locke boiling something over a fire. He says he was 
looking for "salvage" like the occasional scrap of metal or 
bag of coffee. Hold up. That's *coffee*? He's looking for bags 
of *coffee* in the jungle? Well, it's nice to know where his 
priorities are at least. Sawyer sniffs at the extra shirt he 
brought along and yelps that the boar peed on it. Kate 
explains Sawyer's crazy theory about a boar with a vendetta to 
Locke and suggests maybe the boar just doesn't like his 
cologne. Sawyer sneers that he doesn't *wear* cologne. It's 
aftershave. Which, in JJ's world men wear even if they don't 
actually shave (see Vaughn, Michael). Oh, okay, actually Kate 
says he does too. Sawyer says "Yeah? Well...pbbbbbttttttt." Or 
something like that. Locke tangents on this long story about 
his sister Genie, who died, and his foster mother who was 
convinced it was her fault until this stray dog showed up - 
which she claimed was Genie reincarnated - to absolve her 
guilt and disappeared five years later when she died. He 
stares at Sawyer. Okay, we get it. Really.

Whoosh of Impending Flashback. Sawyer walks up to a shrimp 
stand owned by Duckett (aka "Sawyer") (aka Uncle Joe) and 
scowls at him. Duckett asks if he wants the mild or hot sauce 
and Sawyer takes about five hours to finally answer "hot". 
   Chrissy: Yes, you are, honey. 
   Diandra: (Sigh)
He takes out his gun and cocks it while Duckett putters around 
the trailer, cooking and making small talk. He notes that 
Sawyer is American and asks where he's from. "Tennessee," 
Sawyer says in a Georgia drawl. Duckett blithers about 
southern women and Australia and says he gives half-price to 
Americans. Sawyer's gun hand starts shaking. Duckett says his 
name's Frank, what's yours? "James," Sawyer says softly, tears 
forming in his eyes. Apparently when he looks a man in the eye 
and points a gun at him (or doesn't as the case may be) he 
finds he's a big ole softie. The Discordant Strings of 
Possible Assassination build as Duckett finishes cooking and 
turns to hand the shrimp to...no one. Shocker.

So Sawyer ends up at a bar, bitterly slugging back one shot 
after another. He finishes one and immediately orders another. 
The Aussie bartender asks if he's sure and he snarls yes, 
damnit. An unseen man slurs something about these damn 
Australians thinking Americans can't hold their liquor. Well, 
if you guys are setting the example, I can completely 
understand why they would come to that conclusion. Sawyer 
glares at him. The voice says he hates to hold his hand out 
but..."I seem to have misplaced my wallet". That sounds like 
total BS to me, but whatever. Sawyer agrees to buy him a drink 
just to get the guy off his back (I'm assuming). The voice 
asks what his name is. He says Sawyer this time. Note that the 
other guy does NOT say what HIS name is, although Sawyer will 
later claim that he did. We pan around to reveal Jack's 
father, who proposes a toast "to Sawyer. May he find whatever 
he's looking for at the bottom of a glass." Yeah, how's that 
workin' out for *you* by the way, Chris? He asks what Sawyer's 
doing in Sydney. Sawyer says he has "business". Yeah, if you 
work for the Mafia, maybe, otherwise I'd say it's more 
personal. 

Jack Sr. blithers something about Australia being the closest 
thing to hell on earth (as opposed to, say, Jersey?) and 
Sawyer tells the bartender to just leave the bottle. Because I 
guess if he's going to have to listen to Jack's father go off 
on an angsty, alcohol-fueled rant, he's gonna need it. Jack 
Sr. perks up at this and stumbles over to sit next to him. 
Sawyer, suddenly Mr. Talkative, asks what Jack Sr. does back 
in the US. Jack Sr. says he *was* a chief of surgery and then 
expands on the theory that they are in hell, sounding 
suspiciously like the fans theorizing that the island is 
purgatory. "It's fate. Some people are just supposed to 
suffer." Then, in a fun party trick, he says "that's why the 
Red Sox'll never win the damn series," and barely moves his 
lips at all. It's so obviously ADRed that I'm surprised I 
didn't notice it the first time. Of course, I didn't notice he 
was Jack's dad the first time I saw this either until he said 
the words "chief of surgery" because I didn't recognize John 
Terry by sight until I started watching the second season of 
"24" on DVD, so I guess it shouldn't be too much of a shock. 
Sawyer just tosses back a shot silently. 

Jack Sr. says he has a son about Sawyer's age, but "he's 
nothing like me... he does what's in his heart." Oh, gag. Then 
again, that kind of makes sense since the majority of what he 
does certainly seems to be more emotionally driven than 
logical. "He's a good man," Jack Sr. says proudly. "Maybe a 
great one." Yeah, yeah, he's the freaking Messiah, okay, WE 
GET IT. "And right now he thinks I hate him." Well, gee, 
Chris, do you think maybe that's because you haven't spoken to 
him since he got you fired? "He thinks I feel betrayed by him. 
But what I really feel is gratitude...and pride." Not to 
mention the beginnings of alcohol poisoning. "Because of what 
he did to me...what he did *for* me. It took more courage than 
I have. There's a pay phone over here. I could pick it up and 
I could call my son. I could tell him about all this. I could 
tell him that I love him. One simple phone call and I could 
fix everything." Well, that's a bit overly optimistic. 
   Diandra: Are you crying?
   Chrissy: No! It's allergies! I'm allergic to your dogs!
   Diandra: You mean the ones that don't shed?
   Chrissy: (glare) Yeah, you wanna make something of it?

Sawyer asks why Jack Sr. doesn't do it then. "Because I'm 
weak," Jack Sr. slurs in disgust. He asks if this "business" 
of Sawyer's will "ease [his] suffering". No, but Sawyer seems 
to think so. Jack Sr. asks what he's doing in a bar then. Pot? 
Meet Kettle. Sawyer says it ain't that simple. "Of course it 
is...unless you wanna end up like me," says the man who 
apparently passed on a genetic ability to give orders without 
being able to actually follow them.

So Sawyer goes back to the shrimp stand as Duckett is closing 
down for the night. He watches Duckett take out the trash from 
his car and readies his gun. Knowing the sense of fate and 
irony displayed so far on this show, I'm willing to bet Jack 
Sr. weaseled a quarter out of somebody else at the bar so he 
could call his son and then collapsed two feet from the pay 
phone in the throws of cardiac arrest.

Commercials. Why do they always make it look like those 
transition lenses work instantly? I mean, they're nice to have 
but in reality when you step inside you have to spend a good 
five minutes bumping into walls because your glasses are still 
in 'full sunshine' mode. Next on "Alias": JJ Abrams rips off 
"Charlie's Angels". And does anybody know the song that was 
played on those ads for "Blind Justice"? Not the Alanis one, 
the other one. I really like it, but I can't for the life of 
me figure out what it is and it's driving me crazy.

Charlie is whanging the hell out of a mango, ostensibly in an 
effort to peel it, when Sayid drops by. Oh, yeah. I almost 
forgot about this little sub-plot. Charlie asks if Sayid's 
there to "check up on" him. Sayid reminds Charlie that he 
killed a man. Yes, we KNOW. It's been mentioned, like, three 
times in this episode alone. Charlie points out that Ethan was 
most definitely a "bad guy" and he has no regrets about 
killing him. Sayid tells this fairly long story about a man he 
killed back in "Tikrit...Iraq" (yes, thanks, writers, we KNOW 
WHERE TIKRIT IS). The guy rigged some cop's car to explode and 
inadvertently killed his wife and children. Sayid volunteered 
to be on his firing squad and even though the guy "deserved 
it" he still had nightmares afterward. "What happened with 
Ethan will be with you for the rest of your life," he warns. 
Charlie, frustrated, asks what he suggests. Sayid says he's 
not alone and he shouldn't pretend to be. Wha? Oh, forget it.

Elsewhere, Kate and Sawyer are slogging through the jungle. 
Sawyer mutters that it's comforting to know that "someday 
this'll all be a nice shopping complex." Normally, I'd agree 
with you, Sawyer, but on this death trap of an island? Not 
bloody likely. Kate finds a wallow and marks on a tree made by 
boar tusks. They hear a tiny, high-pitch squealing and Sawyer 
runs off-camera, coming back with a frantic baby boar. "I 
thought it'd be bigger," Kate teases. I wonder if any of the 
wives he ripped off said something similar?
   Chrissy: Hey! Don't be ripping on the hot guy.
   Diandra: Oh, come on, I couldn't *not* say it!
Sawyer thinks he can use the piglet to lure out daddy. Yeah, 
that's a brilliant plan, dumbass. It's not like animals in the 
wild become homicidal when you threaten their young or 
anything. He waves the poor squealing pig around, yelling 
"here piggy piggy" while Kate yells at him to knock it off 
before he hurts it. She finally realizes that trying to talk 
sense into him is futile (duh) and kicks him, sending him 
sprawling to the dirt where the piglet breaks free and takes 
off like a squealing bullet. "You're sick," she declares. Gee, 
Kate, you say that like you're actually *surprised* by his 
behavior. She stomps off angrily, telling him he can find his 
own way home.

And we whoosh back to the second assassination attempt, 
already in progress. Sawyer marches over to Duckett, shouts 
"Sawyer" and shoots him in the chest. It should be noted here 
that Duckett turned around at the name, if that means 
anything. Sawyer pulls out his Letter of Vengeance and starts 
reading it to the gasping, bleeding, dying man. Unfortunately, 
he doesn't get any further than "Dear Mr. Sawyer," at which 
point Duckett interrupts to ask "who?" Sawyer - obviously not 
the brightest bulb in the box - explains that that's the name 
Duckett used to go by. Duckett says "like fuck it is you 
moron, why would I ask a question I already know the answer 
to?" Or, you know, words to that effect. "You didn't have 
to...tell Hibbs I woulda paid," he gurgles. Oopsie. Sawyer 
asks how the hell he knows Hibbs. Wow, he's just full of 
redundant questions, isn't he? Duckett sort of chuckles and 
says "you don't know what you're doin', do ya?" Well, no 
obviously, or Hibbs wouldn't have been able to manipulate him 
so damn easily. Sawyer finally gets a fucking clue and 
realizes that Duckett owed Hibbs money. Duh, Brainiac. We 
covered that about fifty words ago. "It'll come back around," 
Duckett says before he dies. Sawyer looks stricken as the 
Xylophone of What the Hell? This Music Doesn't Match This 
Scene At ALL plinks away merrily.

So, back on the Island of No Return, Sawyer is already lost in 
the jungle because, as the last scene made so excruciatingly 
clear, he couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a GPS 
unit. He yells for Kate, then quickly forgets about her as he 
stumbles across Bill the Boar with the Vendetta. They stare at 
each other for at least an hour as Sawyer points his gun at 
the seemingly confused animal. Kate shows up out of nowhere 
and watches from a few feet away. The boar snorts at Sawyer. 
In boarspeak, this translates to "do it, you stupid hick. And 
by the way, you run like a girl." Sawyer finally realizes how 
dumb this whole idea is and lowers his gun. "It's just a 
boar," he grumbles to Kate. Well, duh, that's what she's been 
trying to tell you all along. 

Commercials. ABC would like to remind you that "Alias" is 
still coming up next with two advertisements within the same 
commercial break.

So Claire is sitting on the beach, watching Sun and Jin fuss 
with the fishing nets and Walt play ball with Vincent and 
Michael work on Raft version 1.0 with some extra when Charlie 
walks up and asks if she still wants to take that walk. 
Several viewers - and one TWoP recapper - mutter "yeah, I'd 
like *you* to take a walk...OFF A CLIFF!" She agrees, he helps 
her up and they walk off down the beach.

Elsewhere in the jungle, Dr. Angsts-a-Lot is breaking up 
pieces of wood. Why, I have no idea.
   Diandra: What?
   Chrissy: I don't know. You've been staring at the screen 
    for a solid minute with a strange expression on your face.
   Diandra: Oh...I thought I saw...something...
   Chrissy: A hot guy with a big honkin' tattoo on his 
    shoulder?
   Diandra: (looks around cluelessly) Michael? Where?
   Chrissy: Never mind.
Sawyer saunters up, cocks his gun loudly and says "stick 'em 
up." Jack blinks at him warily and asks if he's trying to be 
funny. Sawyer lets him squirm for a few more seconds, then 
smirks "yeah." Dr. All-Work-and-No-Play-Makes-Jack-a-
Humorless-Boy looks vaguely annoyed. Sawyer hands the gun over 
to "Sheriff" Jack (his label), who snits that he asked Sawyer 
to give it to him two days ago. Jack, could you do me a favor? 
Take one of those sticks you're breaking and shove it up your 
ass. Thank you. Sawyer says as much, actually: "And I told you 
'stick it'." Jack chuckles and puts the gun in his backpack. 

Sawyer says he made a deal with "yer girlfriend". "Who," Jack 
asks blankly. I wish. I also wish Jack and Sawyer would stop 
beating around the bush and just make out already, but I'm 
guessing that's never going to happen. Actually, he asks what 
she gave Sawyer. "Nothin' she wasn't willing to part with," 
Sawyer gloats. Okay, I'm finding this Kate-as-island-
prostitute theme disturbing. Jack shakes his head and says 
"that's why the Sox'll never win the series." Okay, two 
things: 1) how does that make sense in this context? And 2) 
How sad is it that the one time the Red Sox actually win the 
world series - disproving their whole philosophical outlook on 
destiny - Jack is stuck on a deserted island with no way of 
knowing and his father is dead?
   Chrissy: Isn't it ironic?
   Diandra: Don't you think?

Sawyer's head whips around. "What'd you say?" Does Sawyer need 
a hearing aid or something? Because this is getting awfully 
redundant, even for this show. Dr. Nonsensical repeats 
himself. "What the hell is that supposed to mean," Sawyer 
asks. I don't know either, just go with it, Sawyer. Jack says 
it's just something his father used to say, "so he could go 
through life knowing that people hated him. Instead of taking 
responsibility for it he just put it on fate." The light 
starts to dawn in the dark void that is Sawyer's skull. He 
asks if Jack's father was a doctor by any chance. "Was," Dr. 
Clueless says. "He's dead." Sawyer stares at nothing in 
particular as an expression that might just pass for sympathy 
crosses his face. Dr. Slowpoke finally recognizes the oddity 
of this conversation and asks why Sawyer wants to know about 
his father. They stare at each other for, like, ten minutes 
and Sawyer snaps back into asshole mode, saying "no reason." 
He slinks off. Dr. This-is-Why-I'm-a-Surgeon-and-Not-a-
Psychologist just shrugs and goes back to breaking wood, the 
snapping sounds carrying us to the black screen, end title 
card and credits.

I would just like to take this opportunity to say shame on 
you, ABC monkeys, for making a promo that completely twisted 
Sawyer's last couple of scenes in a way that made it appear 
that Sawyer and Jack would fight over Kate and Sawyer would 
threaten to shoot Jack. I think every "Alias" fan (former and 
current) who survived through season three of that show spent 
the week before this episode originally aired cursing JJ and 
his damn obsession with triangles.

And I know it seems pointlessly mean for Sawyer to not tell 
Jack about his father, but I don't care because the scene in 
the finale where he finally spilled the whole story was 
freaking awesome. 
   Chrissy: That's it? 
   Diandra: What? It's an hour program.
   Chrissy: Oh...okay.
   Diandra: I've got a two part Ally McBeal to recap next 
    though.
   Chrissy: Um...no thanks. I have to...do something.


~Diandra