“The Fellowship of the Ring” I’ve totally lost my mind. That’s the only reason I can come up with to explain why I agreed to do a recap of a NINE HOUR movie. Chrissy: How can you lose something you never had to begin with? Sigh. Y’all remember Chrissy from my Pirates of the Caribbean recap. I brought her along that time to slap me if I started making slash jokes. However, since the entirety of Lord of the Rings is one big slash reference, she won’t be doing the same thing this time. This time she’s here to a) keep me from falling asleep and b) take over my recapping duties in the event that I become too bored or ill to do it myself. Mostly though, she’s here to annoy me. Chrissy: Hey! So, without further ado, I give you the Longest Recap Ever! After some mercifully brief credits, an unseen woman whispers in some sort of foreign language. Another woman, presumably the translator, says “the world is changed. I feel it in the water...in the earth...” Oh, blah blah blah. You know why this movie is so long? Because the plot and all its characters are constantly going on tangents and every scene has been dragged out as long as bloody possible. Whatever, I’m skipping this. Now we have an exposition sequence that looks like it was made sometime in the 50s or 60s. The Exposition Fairy...excuse me “Galadriel” tells us there were nineteen rings of power. Three were given to the elves because they are “wise” and “immortal” and “fair”. Seven were given to the dwarves because they are “great miners and craftsmen” and nine were given to men because the person distributing them was “stupid” and “masochistic”. I mean, come on. If there’s one thing we have learned from disaster movies, science fiction and, well, HISTORY, it is that men, if given half a chance, will fuck up just about anything. Madame Exposition claims the rings hold the “strength and will to govern each race.” So basically men got the most rings because they needed the most help in that department. But, Mme Exposition says, they were all “decieved” because another master ring was made in an evil place called Mordor by the dark lord Sauron. Blah blah secretly forged in the fires of Mount Doom blah blah cruelty blah malice blah blah the ring is evil, okay? “One ring to rule them all,” Mme Exposition declares. Nice tagline. Blah blah lands of Middle Earth corrupted by the ring blah blah but some resisted and in some unidentified year a “last alliance” of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor. Diandra: EW! What the hell is THAT? Chrissy: An orc. Diandra: My god, its teeth are *jacked up*. [Chrissy rolls her eyes] Battle Sequence #1. Hugo Weaving is leading the good guys. Mme Exposition says the good guys were winning, but “the power of the ring would not be undone.” An ominous looking creature wearing the Ring of Doom and Destruction (or RoDD) arrives and starts walloping guys left and right. He kills the “king of men”, which really pisses of the “prince of men”, who chops off Ominous Guy’s fingers. Apparently, this was enough to kill him because he *explodes*, creating a nuclear-like tidal wave that sweeps over the good guys and nearly knocks them on their asses. “Sauron...was defeated,” Mme Exposition declares. Yes, thank you, I noticed. Another reason for the length of this movie? Redundancy. More on that when Orlando Bloom shows up. The prince who just became king picks up the RoDD. Mme Exposition says he had this one chance to destroy the ring, but, of course, since he’s a MAN we know he’ll fuck it up. He died, apparently, and fell in a river and the ring fell to the bottom. “Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost,” Mme Exposition intones. What? Isn’t it better off lost? Chrissy: No, it has to be *destroyed*. Pay attention. Diandra: Yeah, but...I...and the...great. I’m already confused. It stayed at the bottom of the river for 2,500 years. We see a gnarled hand pick it up and a voice gurgles “my preciousssss.” And since Gollum doesn’t play much of a part until the second movie, all we see is a small, funny looking creature crouching in the shadows in the distance and stroking the ring like it’s a puppy. According to Mme Exposition, the ring gave him an unnaturally long life, but it also “poisoned” his fragile little mind for 500 years. Then, when its “time” came, the ring apparently escaped under its own power and was picked up by “the most unlikely creature”: a hobbit. Meet Bilbo Baggins. And this is the part where I save myself some time and sanity by fast-forwarding an hour. All you need to know about this part can be summarized in two paragraphs, as follows. Bilbo had a son named Frodo. Frodo is friends witb an old wizard named Gandalf. Bilbo is writing a book, but he takes a break from it and heads for the hills, leaving Frodo with the RoDD. Gandalf discovers that the ring has to be destroyed, but isn’t sure how to do it. We meet three more of Frodo’s hobbit friends: Sam, Merry and Pippin, the latter two of which shall be referred to as the Comic Relief Twins from here on out. They all trek across New Zealand, seemingly aimlessly and pick up a man named “Strider” at a pub. He’s a ranger. He goes with them for reasons that are not really clear to me. Frodo puts on the ring, which makes him turn invisible and alerts the Minions of Doom (the nine former ringbearers of men who were all corrupted by Sauron, naturally) to his presence. There’s a big battle with the Minions and one of them stabs Frodo. Aragorn...sorry...”Strider” declares that only elves can heal him. Enter Arwen, aka “Strider’s” heterosexual “love interest”. She’s an elf and she takes Frodo to her father Elrond, who I think is the king of elves. Somewhere in there there was a scene showing the “birthing” of several dozen orcs that made me run to the bathroom to hork up everything I ate in the past week. There was also something about the sword that Isildur (the prince of men who fucked up) used to wack off Sauron’s fingers. It’s broken and on display in Elrond’s palace. Whatever, let’s just get to the Council of Elrond because that contains just about all the exposition you’ll need for these movies. Elrond gives a long speech about the races of Middle Earth banding together to determine the fate of the ring or something. We are introduced to three new characters: a man (Sean “Gimme an Oscar, Damnit” Bean), an elf (Orlando “Wow, Is My Character Annoying” Bloom) and a dwarf (John “I’m Not Really This Short” Rhys Davies). Actually, we may have been introduced to Sean’s character (Boromir) earlier, but I was too busy fast forwarding to pay attention. Boromir says the ring is a “gift” and they should use it against the dark forces of Sauron or some such mumbo jumbo. “Strider” says nah, that won’t work. Boromir sneers at him and calls him bad names or something. I wasn’t paying attention. Orlando jumps to his lover’s...sorry “Strider’s” defense. All this really does is give “Strider” a reason to tell us his name: Legolas. Also, Legolas refers to “Strider” as “Aragorn” because I wasn’t confused enough yet. We find out that Aragorn is a descendant of Isildur. Legolas also says that Aragorn is heir to the throne of Gondor. On a side note: aren’t Orlando’s eyes supposed to be blue in these movies? ‘Cause they look pretty brown to me. Aragorn tells him to sit down and shut up. Boromir snits that Gondor doesn’t need a king and he and Aragorn glare at each other. Elrond breaks up the pissing contest by declaring that the ring must be destroyed. John the Dwarf asks what the hell they’re waiting for then and tries to smash it with an ax. The ax shatters and he’s knocked flat on his ass. “The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here posses,” Elrond declares. Then he stoops down to pick up the name he just blatantly dropped and says it can only be destroyed in the same place it was created: Mordor. “One of *you* must do this.” Everyone looks at each other. Crickets chirp. Legolas jumps up again and announces that the ring *must* be *destroyed*. Yes, thank you, we know that already. See what I mean about the redundancy thing? Sheesh. Gimli gets into a lather. Something about not trusting an elf as far as he could throw one (which obviously would not be very far). He and Legolas stare at each other like two alphas preparing for mortal combat. “I’ll be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf,” Gimli declares. The other elves jump up to make good on that promise, but Legolas holds them back for some reason. All hell breaks loose and everybody starts yelling at once. Meanwhile, Frodo is just staring at the ring, which is actually beginning to *whisper* to him. Yeah, I can already tell these movies are going to require a *lot* of suspension of disbelief. He sees CGI flames engulf the brawling council’s reflection in the ring. Then he stands up and says he’ll take the blasted thing to Mordor, but he doesn’t know how to get there so somebody’s going to have to go with him. Gandalf offers to go with him. Aragorn says he’ll go to protect Frodo. Legolas joins them for reasons that are not quite clear. Maybe so he can keep an eye on Aragorn, if you know what I mean. Gimli joins, presumably to keep an eye on Legolas – although without the slash subtext. Boromir joins because everybody else is. Sam bursts in and announces that Frodo ain’t goin’ nowhere without him. The Comic Relief Twins scurry in and join because they can’t stand being left out of the loop. “You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing,” Pippin declares. “Well, that rules *you* out, Pip,” Merry snarks. Heh. On a side note, I took an online quiz titled “What Lord of the Rings Character Are You” (or something like that). It told me I’m Pippin and I “occasionally display a flash of brilliance”, but am usually surrounded by a “stifling cloud of stupidity”. I resent that. Diandra: Why are you laughing? Chrissy: Because that sounds about right, actually. Diandra: Don’t make me hurt you. Now we get a ridiculously long shot of all nine major characters that is so obviously two shots edited together to make the hobbits look shorter than the dwarf. Ew. This movie won an award for special effects? Elrond declares them the “fellowship of the ring” and the music crashes to a dramatic crescendo. “Great,” Pippin says. “Where are we going?” Snerk. We get a brief shot of what looks like Legolas running through the gardens, seemingly looking for somebody or something. The problem is that this scene has no connection whatsoever to any other scene immediately following it. I have no idea what it’s in here for. Moving on. Father/Son chat. Bilbo gives Frodo a sword with a blade as thick as his head that is oddly “light”. He says it glows blue when orcs are near. [Diandra looks at Chris warily] Chrissy: Just go with it. He also gives Frodo a shirt of armor that he claims is “light as a feather” and “hard as dragon scales”. You think it’s obvious enough that these things will play important roles in the near future? Frodo takes off his shirt to try on the armor, revealing the ring which makes Bilbo go bonkers with CGI help and blah blah blah I’m bored. Let’s skip this scene. Peter Jackson gives us a thirty-second tour of New Zealand, then stops at the top of the hill so all nine members of the fellowship can parade past the camera in slow motion. Then we get another lovely pan of the New Zealand landscape while Gandalf voiceovers that it will take forty days to reach Rohan. Diandra: I thought they were going to Mordor. Chrissy: They are. Diandra: And why are they WALKING? They’ve got two horses already, why couldn’t they find a few more and shorten the trip a little? Chrissy: Because...hell, I don’t know. Just go with it. They take a rest stop and Boromir tries to teach the Comic Relief Twins how to swordfight. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Give dangerous weapons to the guys who couldn’t find their own asses with both hands. That’s brilliant. Gandalf and Gimli stand nearby arguing about the best route to Rohan. Gimli thinks they should go through the mines of Moria. Gandalf would rather strip naked, cover himself with honey and jump into a cage full of bears than do that. They stop talking as Legolas darts past them to stand on a rock and stare at some random spot in the distance. Boromir accidentally knicks one of the twins and gets kicked in the shins. Eventually, Sam figures out what Legolas is looking at: a dense cloud of... something headed their way. Legolas said what it was but I couldn’t understand a word he said. Everyone takes cover. In a moment ripped straight out of Hitchcock’s “The Birds”, a flock of crows swarm overhead, squawking ominously. They do this for about a minute and then they just leave. What the hell? Gandalf declares them “spies of Saruman”. And because I have a hard time telling Saruman from Sauron I’m just going to refer to Saruman as S-Dawg from here on out. Gandalf says they need to make a detour. So the next thing we see is the fellowship climbing up a mountain of snow. Frodo stumbles and falls several feet. Aragorn catches him and Boromir picks up the ring, which fell off in the tumble. Y’know, for such an all-important ring, he’s not taking very good care of it, is he? Boromir stares at it, hypnotized and wonders aloud how such a teeny little thing could cause so much trouble. Aragorn grabs for his sword and barks at Boromir to give it back. Yeesh. He’s touchy. Meanwhile, the Birds arrive at the Tower of Doom and “tell” S- Dawg where the fellowship is. S-Dawg contemplates where they would go next. Mountain of Blowing Snow and Gale Force Winds. The fellowship trudges through waist-high snow – except for Legolas, who is walking on top of it. S-Dawg’s voice starts bellowing from somewhere in the distance. Legolas announces that there’s a “foul voice” in the air. Yeah, he’s *real* useful. Everyone ducks as rocks start tumbling. Aragorn says S-Dawg is trying to bring down the mountain and they need to turn back. Gandalf says no chance and shouts something to S-Dawg, who opera- singers something back. Seriously, that’s what it looks like. A bolt of lighting hits the mountain and the fellowship is buried in snow. Long pause. They pop back to the surface one by one. Boromir recommends they give up. Quitter. Gimli suggests the mines again. Sir Exposition...ahem...S-Dawg, informs us that Gandalf is “afraid” to go through the mines because the dwarves dug “too deep” and “awoke” something in the “darkness”. Gandalf says it’s up to Frodo. Frodo says fuck this shit man, let’s go to the mines. Cave of Dark, Dank Ominousness. The gang finds a door and stands in front of it while Gandalf reads the inscription around it. “Speak friend and enter.” He says what he thinks may be the password. It’s not translated, but I’d like to think he’s saying “abracadabra” or “open sesame”. Not surprisingly, nothing happens. Hours later (I’m assuming), he’s still trying passwords and muttering to himself. The Comic Relief Twins attempt to relieve their boredom by throwing stones in the pool. Aragorn stops them with an ominous “do not disturb the water”. Or what, the fish will sue for head injuries? Something starts moving in the water. It looks big and vaguely tentacle-like. Luke Skywalker leaps out of nowhere and yells “THE BUTTON, C-3PO, PUSH THE BUTTON!” but nobody pays any attention to him. Gandalf gives up and plops down next to Frodo. Frodo gets a sudden flash of intelligence and announces that the phrase above the door is a riddle. No, really? What was your first clue? He asks Gandalf what the Elvish word for “friend” is. “Mellon,” Gandalf replies...very...slowly. How sad is it that I didn’t have to look up the spelling on that? The door pops right open. What the hell is the use of having a wise old wizard in the fellowship if he can’t figure out shit like this anyway? Gimli is babbling about something here, but I can’t understand a thing he says most of the time, so whatever. Boromir declares this isn’t a mine, “it’s a tomb” and we see skeletons littering the ground. Legolas pulls an arrow from one of them and says something but I can only understand him about half the time so, again, whatever. Everybody draws their weapons, but I have no idea why. The octopus tentacle snakes out of the water and grabs Frodo’s leg, dragging him away. All hell breaks loose. The two men jump in the water and start slashing at the octopus. Legolas starts firing arrows. A truly ugly head emerges from the water and snarls at Frodo. Ick. Aragorn finally amputates the right tentacle and Frodo falls in his arms...no, wait...now he’s in Boromir’s arms...I have no idea what just happened and, frankly, I don’t care. Everybody scampers into the cave, the octopus in hot pursuit. Then the cave conveniently collapses, crushing the octopus. Everyone say hello to Mrs. Contrivance and Mr. Suspension of Disbelief. You will be getting to know them quite well throughout the course of these movies. The hobbits all huddle together, Legolas grabs Aragorn and the lights go out. We hear a lot of panting. Insert your own joke here. Gandalf lights his glowstick...excuse me...”staff” and Aragorn and Legolas jump away from each other, readjusting clothes and hair sheepishly. I wish. Gandalf says there’s only one option left now and it’ll take four days to reach the other side of the caves. Oh, goody. They stop and set up camp for the night...er something. Frodo sees something lurking in the shadows and panics. Gandalf tells him it’s just Gollum and he’s been following them for three days. Nice of him to mention that earlier. Blah blah yip yap snore. Gandalf says he thinks Gollum still has “a part to play...for good or evil” before this is over. No shit. I could’ve told him *that*. Frodo gets all self-piteous and wines about how he wishes none of this was happening. Gandalf says you and everybody else, but it is, so suck it up. He rambles on about faith but I’m not really paying attention. Chrissy has had to keep poking me for the last several minutes just to keep me conscious. And we’re walking. They come to a pretty hall with really high arches and gape at it. Mr. Shore cues up the dramatic brass. Gimli sees a light coming from another room and runs to it. He finds a large stone tomb and kneels in front of it, bawling melodramatically. The others join him and Gandalf reads the epitaph. “Here lies [someone], son of [something], Lord of Moria.” Gimli wails loudly. Legolas complains to Aragorn about the fact that they’re wasting time by just standing around here when the two of them could be off somewhere exploring each other’s nether regions. Except for that last part. Pippin accidentally knocks a skeleton down a well, creating so much noise I almost expect the guy inside the tomb to knock on the lid and shout “could you keep it down out there, I’m trying to sleep!” Gandalf finally blows his top, calls Pippin a “fool of a Took” and tells him to throw himself in next time and “rid us of your stupidity.” Ouch. That was a wee bit harsh, don’t you think? Then, somewhere in the distance, we hear a “boom”. It gets louder and more persistent until we can recognize it as war drums. Frodo’s sword glows blue. “Orcs,” Legolas announces. Really? Gee, thank you for that brilliant observation, Captain Obvious. Boromir sticks his head out the door (kids, don’t try this at home) and a couple arrows whiz right past his nose. They barricade themselves in and stand ready for a fight. It takes about thirty seconds for the orcs to break down the door and then a big battle begins. Clang clang thwack thwack. At one point, we see Aragorn lop off an orc’s head and black blood pours out like a freaking geyser. Chrissy: Are you okay? You look a little pale... Diandra: (trying not to vomit) I’m fine. A big, ugly ogre enters the room, wielding a hammer the size of a small car and tries to turn Sam into a hobbit-shaped pancake. Sam darts out of the way and it goes after Gimli. Legolas shoots two arrows at it at once, which slows it down for about a half a second. More fighting. Legolas ends up on some sort of ledge with the ogre swinging a big, heavy chain at him. The ogre wraps the chain around a pole and Legolas uses it to run up onto the ogre and fire a couple of arrows into its head. Okay, hold on a second. First of all, do the laws of gravity just not apply to elves? Is that why he can walk on snow or was that just some sort of Jesus reference? And second, I can practically SEE the green screen! Chrissy: Sweetie, stop banging your head on the desk like that. You’re making *my* head hurt. Diandra: (incoherent mumbling) It still doesn’t really work because the ogre goes after Frodo, who hides behind a pillar. After some cat and mouse games it grabs him and he screams for Aragorn to rescue him. Aragorn stabs the ogre, who smacks him aside easily, knocking him unconscious. Then it stabs Frodo in the chest. Frodo falls over dead. The end. I wish. Note to Peter Jackson: long, drawn-out death scenes don’t work when they involve main characters and occur towards the beginning of a nine hour trilogy because everybody knows damn well that HE CAN’T DIE YET. The Comic Relief Twins jump on the ogre and it tries to shake them off, looking kind of like a bear being attacked by a couple of Chihuahuas. Legolas hits it with another arrow (bringing the total to about two dozen) and it finally moans pathetically and dies. Aragorn wakes up and crawls over to Frodo. Sam looks like he might cry. Of course, Frodo is fine because he’s wearing the shirt of armor his daddy gave him. Why, hello, Mr. Plot Convenience, how are you today? They hear the reinforcements arrive and bolt. As they’re running through that hallway we saw earlier, these...things start crawling down the pillars. Evil monkeys? Overgrown squirrels? No, I guess it’s just orcs. The fellowship is surrounded. Gee, do you think they’ll die? Sigh. There’s a noise at the end of the hall and the orcs flee in terror. The fellowship just stands there, staring as an orange light starts glowing at the end of the hallway. I’m starting to think they’re all a few bricks shy of a load. No, wait... Legolas has his bow drawn and pointed in the direction of the sound. Everyone *else* is just standing there, staring, some of them facing in wrong directions. I didn’t think I’d say this, but I think Legolas may actually be the smart one. He just sounds stupid. Anyway, Boromir asks what the hell it is. Gandalf says it’s a Balrog. A “demon of the ancient world”. Long pause. “Run!” Thank you for finally coming around to the freaking obvious. They come to a room with a long drop of a cliff into a fiery pit. I can’t really describe it any better than that. They screech to a halt and Boromir’s forward motion nearly sends him tumbling right over the edge but Legolas pulls him back. Aragorn is lagging behind with slow-poke Gandalf. Gandalf tells him to “lead them on” and says the “bridge is near”. They all traipse down a long, winding staircase while deep, male voices chant ominously. They come to a gap in the path about ten feet wide. Legolas jumps over it easily and beckons to Gandalf, catching him as he jumps. Arrows start flying from...somewhere. Legolas fires back and hits an orc right in the forehead from a distance of, like, two miles. Okay, now he’s just showing off. Boromir grabs the Comic Relief Twins and jumps. Aragorn throws Sam across and turns to Gimli. “*Nobody* tosses a dwarf,” Gimli snaps and jumps, barely missing the edge and nearly careening to his death. Legolas saves his ungrateful butt by grabbing hold of his beard and hauling him the rest of the way across. Owie. Owowowowow... Now only Aragorn and Frodo are left on the wrong side when the rock starts breaking up, widening the gap between them and the others. Now, I know there are slash opportunities all over these movies, but I have issues with seeing Frodo that way because, to me, Elijah Wood is still that kid from “Forever Young”. Thinking of him as a sexual being just seems... *wrong*. That being said, I will interpret Sam’s look here as dismay over his failure to keep his friend safe. Although if it were Legolas, I’d say he was wracked with worry for his lover Aragorn because those two are obviously doing it. Something crashes into the walkway behind Frodo and Aragorn, leaving them on a wobbly pillar while the others watch helplessly. Luckily, thanks to some half-ass special effects, the pillar topples forward, bringing them toward the others. Aragorn and Frodo jump and are caught by Legolas and Sam, respectively. Sam breaths a sigh of relief and Legolas kisses Aragorn gratefully. Okay, maybe not. Everybody runs as the pillar crumbles and Howard Shore breaks out the Trumpets of Victory. A really bizarre fiery creature leaps out from nowhere – the Balrog, I presume – and chases them. They flee across a bridge with no handrails to protect them from the insanely large drop. We know it’s an insanely large drop because the camera pans up to give a nice long view of it and make me nauseous. Have I mentioned I have trouble with heights? For some idiotic reason, Gandalf stops in the middle of the bridge, turns, and declares “you cannot pass!” Everyone else watches from relative safety as the Balrog cocks its head at Gandalf, most likely wondering “is this fucker insane or just suicidal?” Blah blah, it steps forward and the bridge crumbles beneath it, sending it down the rabbit hole. Gandalf starts to leave, but the Balrog grabs him with its bullwhip and drags him over the edge as well. He hangs on long enough to tell the others “fly, you fools.” Then he plummets to his death. Sure he does. Everybody raise your hand if you think he’s actually dead. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Frodo starts screaming and wailing and Boromir carries him away, calling back to a stunned Aragorn. Everything goes into slow motion and a mournful choir wails. They end up outside. The sound hasn’t kicked in yet, so we watch silently as the hobbits blubber and Gimli rants angrily. Boromir holds Gimli back to keep him from doing anything stupid. Legolas stares off into the distance, probably wondering where that bruise or smudge or whatever it is on his forehead came from because I don’t think it was there two seconds ago. The sound comes back as Aragorn tells Legolas to get the hobbits up. Boromir snaps at him to give them more than ten freaking seconds to mourn. Aragorn explains that the area will be covered in orcs by nightfall and they have to get to the woods of Lothlorien. And we’re traveling again. Isn’t New Zealand pretty? Because Peter Jackson certainly seems to think so. Aragorn leads the fellowship through some lovely woods while Gimli scares the hobbits with stories about the Elf Witch that lives in them. A woman’s voice whispers to Frodo that he’s bringing evil here. Whatever. Can I sleep now? Chrissy: Oh, suck it up. You’re almost done with the first movie. Gimli says the Elf Witch won’t easily get him because he has “eyes of a hawk and ears of a fox”. This is the cue for a couple of arrows to come out of nowhere and wave threateningly in his face. You were saying, oh impervious one? Everyone else in the fellowship has arrows pointed at them and Legolas is pointing an arrow right back at the guy aiming at him. I find this amusing for some reason. Maybe it has something to do with the look on his face. An elf steps forward and says Gimli is so freaking loud his men...er...elves could have shot him in the dark. Heh. Aragorn welcomes the newcomer in Elvish, calls him “Haldir” and says they need his help and protection. Haldir says the “Lady of the Wood” is waiting for them. He leads them to an elaborate location that is somewhere between the Garden of Eden and Never Never Land. They climb a long, winding staircase to a big fluffy cloud (I think) and are greeted by a man and woman (the latter being Cate Blanchet) who are surrounded by blurry light. Someone’s obviously been doing some serious bong hits and I’m not sure if it’s Peter Jackson or JRR Tolkein. I’m leaning towards Tolkein. The man asks what happened to Gandalf. The woman looks in Aragorn’s eyes and apparently reads his mind because she announces that he’s “fallen into shadow”. Then she adds that the quest “stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all” and “if you would like another random prediction shrouded in metaphors and basically so vague as to be completely useless, please insert twenty-five cents.” Boromir breaks down in tears. But, she says, there’s still hope. Well, I certainly hope so. I’m not going through a nine hour movie just to watch them fail miserably. She keeps talking, but Frodo starts hearing her giving him a different, more personal message telepathically. Much the way Sydney Bristow sent a secret watch message to Elsa Caplan on “Alias”. Except without the high-tech gadgetry. Chrissy: What the hell does “Alias” have to do with this movie? Diandra: Nothing, I’m just saying... Chrissy: Y’know, I think that might be on a list somewhere. “Signs You’re Obsessed With...” Diandra: Oh, shut up. Chrissy: #521: making obscure references and trying to tie them to situations that actually have no connection whatsoever. Diandra: (glares at Chrissy) Night. The fellowship has made camp and Legolas is wandering around listening to people singing in the distance. He is wearing what looks like a white, Mediterranean style tunic. I only mention that because I think it’s the only costume change he has all movie. Chrissy: #812: keeping track of what people are wearing even though it’s not at all important to the plot. Diandra: Are you saying I’m obsessed with Orlando now? Chrissy: Maybe. Diandra: Excuse me for a moment. (Leaves the room, comes back with a big, foam baseball bat and proceeds to whack the hell out of Chrissy) Chrissy: Denial! Flagrant denial! Where was I? Oh, yeah. Pretty boy says the singing is a “lament for Gandalf”. Aragorn (I think) asks what they’re saying. Legolas says he can’t talk about it because “the grief is still too near.” Really? Then why do you have NO FACIAL EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER? The next scene is really a lovely little moment between Aragorn and Boromir that practically has “academy voters: for your consideration” written all over it. What are they talking about, you ask? I have no idea. I blanked out through most of it. And frankly? I don’t give a shit. It’s not really that important. So we’re just gonna move right along... That night, Cate (yes, I know the character’s name is Galadriel, but I don’t care) wanders through the camp, waking Frodo. He follows her and she tries to get him to look into a “mirror” which is really just a bowl of water but whatever. He asks what he’ll see. She says she has no idea and starts pouring. Great. He looks in and sees...Legolas...bouncing around on top of Aragorn (okay, so not really). The comic relief twins...Sam...and a bunch of images of fire and devastation and battles that haven’t happened yet. Then he sees the hobbits being carried off on some sort of slave ship and something that looks like a big ass, flaming vagina. He falls back on his ass. Cate says she knows what he saw and it’s what will “come to pass” if he screws up. “He will try to take the ring,” she telepaths. “You know of whom I speak.” Actually, no we don’t. Could you try to be a little less vague? Frodo offers to give her the ring. She reaches for it and turns into Linda Blair from “The Exorcist”. Seriously, it’s really creepy. Then she returns to normal and says she “passed the test”. Yeah, okay. Doesn’t really explain what the hell just happened, but good for her! Frodo says he can’t do this alone. Um, hello? You’re not alone stupid. You’ve got eight...well...seven other people with you. Remember them? Cate says tough shit, he will anyway. Or words to that effect. He says he’s afraid. She bends over and says “even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” Although we can barely hear her because Mr. Shore has apparently decided that in order to underline the importance of that tagline, he needs trumpets bleating *very* loudly. Tower of Doom. S-Dawg asks one of the ugly-ass orcs – hereinafter referred to as Ugly #1 – if he knows how orcs “came into being”. My guess is some sort of radiation experiment gone horribly wrong. S-Dawg says they were elves once. Excuse me? We get a profile of Ugly #1 to show that he does, indeed, have a pointy elf ear. Talk about a major step in the wrong direction. Apparently they were corrupted and tortured and mutilated until they resembled some sort of mutant blend of a pig and a really ugly man with pointy ears. S-Dawg asks Ugly #1 who he serves. In other words? Who’s your daddy? Ugly #1 hisses “Saruman”. Who? Oh...S-Dawg. Then we get a montage of the ugly orcs putting on battle armor and smearing war paint on their ugly faces. Have I mentioned they’re *really* ugly? I believe I have. S-Dawg’s voice booms out of nowhere like the voice of god. “Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found.” Blah blah blah blah. He tells Ugly #1 that one of the “halflings” has something he wants so he wants them alive. The others he could care less about. They can use the other’s intestines to play the Happy Snake Game (tm Dave Barry) as far as he’s concerned. We cut to the fellowship, calmly rowing down a quiet river. Yeah, that’s not a death knell or anything. In flashback, we see that Cate gave Frodo a “light” to use in “dark places when all other lights go out”. Isn’t that the definition of “dark places”? Oh whatever. More pretty scenic shots of New Zealand courtesy of your tour guide: Peter Jackson. Then we see the orcs trampling through the surrounding woods and Howard Shore hauls out the War Drums of Doom. After several minutes of orcs trampling and the fellowship rowing and looking around warily... nothing happens. What? What the hell was the point of that scene? The fellowship pulls ashore and Aragorn starts laying out the plans to reach Mordor. Gimli helpfully points out that his “plan” will take them right through a “labyrinth of razor- sharp rocks”. Well, you didn’t think this would be *easy*, did you? We’re only about two and a half hours in here! “And after that it gets even better,” he snarks. Marshlands. Everywhere. For miles. Aragorn suggests Gimli rest and “recover his strength”. Then he pats him on the head and gives him a lollipop. No not really, but I half expected him to. Legolas pulls Aragorn aside to say he has this *feeling*. “Well,” Aragorn replies, reaching around to grab Legolas’ ass, “now is not the best time, but...” Legolas smacks his hand away and snaps “I meant a premonition!” Aragorn looks sheepish. “Something draws near,” Legolas mutters. “I can feel it.” Aragorn puts his hands up defensively “Feel what? I didn’t touch you, I swear!” Legolas rolls his eyes and grumbles “never mind.” Hmmm...this is beginning to look less like a recap and more like a parody. Gimli starts complaining about something, but, once again, I can’t understand a word he’s saying. Merry asks where Frodo is suddenly and everyone quietly panics. Cut to Frodo wandering alone in the woods. Boromir finds him and tells him he shouldn’t wander off alone like that, but he knows Frodo is “suffering”. Blah blah blee blee. Yes, Sean Bean is a good actor. No, I don’t give a rat’s ass what’s going on here. Warning bells start going off in Frodo’s head and he realizes Boromir is being corrupted by the ring. Because he’s a MAN and is therefore inherently WEAK. Here’s a question: why is the fellowship made up entirely of MALES? Not only are they more easily corrupted, they’re more likely to get themselves lost and refuse to ask for directions. If there had more women this whole thing wouldn’t be so bloody difficult and it wouldn’t take so damn long! (Deep breath) [/rant] Boromir chases Frodo, trying to get the ring. Frodo puts it on and turns invisible so he can escape. Boromir rants for a while and then breaks down in tears as the words “for your consideration” parade across the screen. To counter-balance the over-abundant male population of this movie, we get another visit from the Great Flaming Vagina. Frodo takes off the ring and falls off a small stone bridge that was apparently built in the middle of nowhere. I only mention it because Peter Jackson seemed to think it was necessary to have Frodo falling from it in dramatic slow motion. Aragorn approaches him and Frodo tells him the ring has “taken” Boromir. And now he seems to be afraid the same thing is happening to Aragorn. “I swore to protect you,” Aragorn says, blinking in confusion. “Can you protect me from yourself,” Frodo asks. I like that line. Then Frodo makes some noise about giving Aragorn the ring and Aragorn folds his hand around it and says “I would have gone with you to the end.” “I know,” Frodo says softly. And yeah, I could read some sort of slash joke into that, but like I said Elijah Wood + sex = SQUICK! Besides, Aragorn already has the hots for Legolas. Apparently Frodo is going off on his own now, because he tells Aragorn to “look after the others”. Oh, he’ll “look after” Legolas all right. Wink wink. Chrissy: You are completely shameless, you know that, right? Diandra: Yes, but thanks for pointing it out. Aragorn looks down suddenly, gasps and leaps to his feet, unsheathing his sword. No, the other one. But wow, doesn’t that sentence sound pornographic? Frodo looks down to find his own sword turning blue. No, the other one. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Aragorn tells Frodo to run and welcomes the invading orcs by lopping off their heads. One man against several dozen orcs. And he’s actually winning. Yeah. Hang on a second while I re-suspend my disbelief here...ah, that’s much better. Next! Legolas and Gimli join the frey. Legolas tells Aragorn to “go”. Y’know because he doesn’t want his precious lover hurt or anything. Then he stabs a nearby orc with an arrow, pulls it back out and uses it to shoot another orc. How resourceful. Snerk. Fighting. More fighting. More...fighting. Diandra: I’m getting bored, how about you? Chrissy: Shut up and type. Diandra: (saluting) Yes, ma’am. Now we’re in the woods and the Comic Relief Twins are hiding in the bushes across the path from Frodo. Merry realizes that Frodo is leaving them and gets the bright idea to distract the orcs from him by running the other way in plain sight. Pippin: It’s working! Merry: I know it’s working, run! Heh. Eventually, they are surrounded by orcs. *Now* Boromir shows up. More fighting. The lovers who pretend they are not stop as they hear a horn blowing. Legolas says it’s the “horn of Gondor”. I would comment on the uselessness of that line – at least where Aragorn is concerned as I’m sure he bloody well knows what it is – but my brain is too busy creating tasteless jokes about “blowing the horn of Gondor”. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you those. Cut to Boromir, blowing said horn (heh) in between lunges and thrusts (snerk). Chrissy: Does everything sound dirty to you? Diandra: Yeah, pretty much. Ugly #1 stalks up a nearby hill in slow motion and cocks his bow. The arrow thwaps Boromir in the chest, somewhere in the vicinity of his heart. He falls to his knees briefly, then gets up and continues fighting. Let’s see...Suspension of Disbelief? Check. Fight fight clang clang and THWAP and stagger. The Comic Relief Twins watch uselessly as he stands up *again*, in slow motion and continues fighting. With arrows sticking out of vital body parts. THWAP! And we’re still in slow motion with muffled sound as the Comic Relief Twins draw their swords and run to help Boromir, getting themselves captured by orcs in about ten seconds. The orcs leave and now it’s just Boromir – who is still somehow alive – and Ugly #1. Ugly #1 stands right in front of Boromir and draws his bow with a delighted smirk. Oh, for... Diandra: (pulls blanket over her head and whimpers) Chris! Chrissy: All right, all right. This is Chris and I will be your recapper until such time as Diandra stops cowering like a big baby. Aragorn leaps out of nowhere and tackles Ugly #1. The arrow flies wild. Ugly #1 slams Aragorn up against a tree and throws his shield so it traps Aragorn by the neck, making it easier for Ugly #1 to decapitate him. [Diandra squeals and curls into a ball under her blanket] Chrissy: Oh, shut up, you baby! Aragorn ducks free and the axe slams into the tree right where his neck just was. They fight for a while and Aragorn starts looking haggard and beaten. Then Diandra pokes her head out from under the blanket just in time to see him chop Ugly #1’s head clean off. She runs to the bathroom and I hear lots of gagging and retching. That’s just lovely. Diandra: (comes back in the room and snatches the keyboard from Chrissy) Okay, I’m back. Where were we? Aragorn runs to Boromir’s side. Boromir tells him the orcs took the Comic Relief Twins and asks where Frodo is. Aragorn says he “let him go” and “the ring is beyond our reach now.” Boromir asks his forgiveness for failing them. Aragorn insists he didn’t. Yeah, he only tried to fuck up the quest by taking the ring from Frodo every chance he got. That’s all! “It’s over,” Boromir declares. “The world of men will fall...and all will come to darkness.” Way to be optimistic. Aragorn promises that he will NOT let that happen. Legolas wanders onto the set and cocks his head curiously at the sight of his lover bent over a dying Boromir. On a side note, where did that mark on his forehead come from? Is that makeup or did Orlando have a goose egg on his forehead that morning and the makeup department couldn’t cover it up? Anyway, Boromir’s dying words are “I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king.” Do I smell foreshadowing? Aragorn kisses his forehead as Gimli finally arrives and watches mournfully. A single tear falls down Aragorn’s cheek. Meanwhile, Frodo is standing beside the docked boats, debating with himself. In voice-over he wines again about how much he wishes none of this was happening. If he keeps whining like this throughout the entire trilogy, I may have to do something drastic. Then we hear Gandalf’s voice saying “so do all who live to see such times, but...” Oh, never mind. This is just an audio playback of the conversation they had in the mines. Frodo leaps into a canoe and shoves off. Then Sam arrives, shouting his name and wading into the water after him. Frodo yells at him to go back. “I’m going to Mordor *alone*!” “Of course you are,” Sam replies. “And I’m going with you!” Snerk. He’s such a good...friend. Totally platonic friend. Frodo reminds Sam he can’s swim. Sam tries anyway and promptly disappears underwater. Frodo rescues him and hauls him into the boat. “I made a promise, Mr. Frodo,” Sam whines. “Don’t you leave him...and I don’t mean to.” Aww...nope, no slash references here, really! They hug and cry. Nope. None. Moving along! The others bury Boromir at sea by putting him in a canoe with his sword and shield and sending it over a waterfall. Legolas twitters that they can catch “them” (presumably Frodo and Sam) if they hurry and pushes another canoe in the water. He stops when he sees his lover Aragorn sitting on a rock, calmly tending his wounds and lacing his armor. “Frodo’s fate is no longer in our hands,” Aragorn says. “Then it has all been in vain,” Gimli bemoans. Oh, buck up. We’ve got another six hours to go here, you’re a LONG way from finished. Aragorn puts a hand on each of the other’s shoulders and says “not if we hold true to each other.” “Hold me,” Legolas whimpers, throwing himself in Aragorn’s arms. Okay, not. Aragorn says they can’t abandon the Comic Relief Twins, because then the movie would lose half of its humor. The other half being provided by Legolas and Gimli the Comic Relief Dwarf (tm Dave Barry). Aragorn sheaths his dagger dramatically (no, the other one) and says “let’s hunt some orc”. Then he trots off. Legolas and Gimli smirk at each other before following him. Oh, and Legolas' eyes? Still brown. I’d swear they’ve been that way the whole movie. Frodo and Sam stand on a rock cliff somewhere as Howard Shore cues up a little song titled “We’re Almost at the End!” which is so loud and over-dramatic that it nearly covers all the dialogue in this scene. Frodo mumbles something about the others finding a “safer route”. Sam assures him that Aragorn will “look after them”. Oh, I bet he will. Especially... Chrissy: Especially Legolas, yes, yes, WE GET IT! Diandra: (pouts) “I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again,” Frodo whines. Why is everybody in this movie such a pessimist? Sam says they might. Frodo smiles, puts his hand on Sam’s shoulder and says “I’m glad you’re with me.” Yeah, he needs someone to play Candyland with. Diandra: What? Chrissy: You realize you’re missing some great slash opportunities here, right? Diandra: (shoving fingers in ears) What? I can’t hear you! LA LA LA LA... Chrissy: (sigh) They start walking down the hill and we pan up to a pretty scenic view of pretty, pretty New Zealand. And cut and roll credits! Dude, I know this is just the first part of a trilogy, but did they have to end it so abruptly?