“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug”

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Ken 
Stott, Aiden Turner, Lee Pace, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, 
Luke Evans, entirely too many random dwarf redshirts and some 
British guy with a funny name as a directionally challenged 
dragon. Cameo appearances by Stephen Fry as the king of the 
Teabaggers, Cate Blanchet as Useless Tolkein Female #2 and, as 
the Editing Room put it, nobody’s favorite Doctor Who Sylvester 
McCoy as Crazy Man with Bird Shit in His Hair.

Directed by a sadist who calls himself Peter Jackson.


Previously on Peter Jackson's New Zealand: we followed a mixed 
species group of characters on a ten-plus hour walking tour of 
fantasy land because one of them found a ring made of evil that 
had to be tossed into a specific lava flow two fictional 
countries away and guarded by a giant cat eye made of fire that 
looked disturbingly like a vagina in close up. Also...no, that 
was it. If you need more detail, read the recaps. That's what 
they're there for.

Previously on "The Hobbit", Frodo's dad/uncle Bilbo sat down to 
tell the prequel to the previous series and a completely 
different group of exactly two species of characters (many of 
whom are so unimportant they might as well be named Redshirts 1 
through 9) set out on what is apparently going to be another 
ten goddamn hours walking tour of New Zealand to...find some 
sort of rock, I think. Basically, Ian Holm de-aged into Martin 
Freeman and I took a two hour nap because this trilogy is the 
ultimate example of a current trend run completely amok: 
splitting books into more movies than there is actual plot to 
fill them. Seriously. There was, like, five minutes of 
singing/chanting that would put anyone to sleep unless you're 
one of those people who thought Tom Bombadil was the best 
character in "Lord of the Rings" and were upset when Peter 
Jackson cut all of his musical numbers that had fuck all to do 
with anything. (I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate 
those people). Also, there was a totally unnecessary, long 
fight between giant rock monsters because special effects. Oh, 
here's something that's relevant: Gollum showed up long enough 
to "lose" the ring that would cause all the problems of the 
later series and Bilbo - who figured out its invisibility cloak 
properties exactly the same way his son did...would - has had 
it ever since. Oh, and the rock is guarded by a dragon because 
I guess this series has dragons now. Also a Necromancer except 
he's done exactly nothing so far but look like a vaguely 
humanoid, menacing shadow. For no apparent reason, these last 
two characters will be voiced by the same person even though 
there is every indication that they weren't originally supposed 
to be. And that person is Englebert Humperdink.
   Chrissy: Totally different person with a British accent 
    and a funny name.
   Diandra: Whatever. Let's get this over with.
 
We open on Bree - a quaint little village you might remember as 
the place where we were introduced to Aragorn. I think. It's 
been so long since I saw the “Lord of the Rings” movies, I'm 
not sure I remember much aside from being very grateful that 
Christine was there to entertain me and keep me sane.
   Chrissy: Aww. You’re welcome. Hey, that reminds me. I 
    think it might be the anniversary of our first recap 
    together now. Ten years ago, you asked me to sit with 
    you while you recapped the first of another major movie 
    franchise with Orlando Bloom and slap you every time 
    you tried to make a slash joke.
   Diandra: I’m sorry, my brain just seized up on the fact 
    that it’s ten years later and I’m doing another goddamn 
    Tolkein movie. What was the rest of that?
   Chrissy: Well, I was going to ask how you wanted to 
    commemorate the occasion, but I think you just answered 
    my question. I’ll go find some liquor.
   Diandra: I love you.
Peter Jackson, in full costume, steps out of a pub or something 
and pauses long enough for everyone to recognize him before 
wandering off. God, when did every director become Alfred 
Hitchcock? We follow a cloaked figure into the Prancing Pony, 
which is exactly the bar where we met Aragorn if I remember 
correctly.
   Chrissy: That would be an excellent name for a gay bar.
   Diandra: I’m sure it already is. Did I mention that’s 
    where Aragorn hung out? Yeah. You laughed at my Aragorn 
    and Legolas subtext then.

The cloaked figure, Richard Armitage (aka Thorin) (aka The Poor 
Man’s Aragorn), is sitting at a table eating when he realizes 
that a couple other guys followed him in and are totally 
glaring at him from tables on either side of the room with all 
the subtlety of vaudeville villains. The guys stand up and 
start creeping toward him and he reaches for the sword he has 
propped against the table. Before the fight can get started, 
though, Gandalf plops down across the table and orders another 
of whatever he’s having. The goons back off. Gandalf belatedly 
introduces himself and Thorin growls that he KNOWS who he is. 
Yeah, well, we have to do this shit for the audiences’ sake. 
Gandalf asks what brings him to Bree. He says he heard his 
father was spotted “wandering the Wilds near Dunland”, but he 
can’t seem to find him. Have you considered putting him in a 
home yet? Apparently his father is supposed to be dead because 
Gandalf says it’s been a long time since anyone has actually 
SEEN him. Thorin insists he’s still alive. He says he went to 
see Gandalf just before he went missing. “What did you say to 
him.” Gandalf spews some nonsense about marching on Erebor and 
rallying the Armies of the Seven Dwarves to destroy the dragon 
and take back the mountain. Yeah, I was barely paying attention 
to what was going on in the last movie. Who? What?
   Chrissy: [hands Diandra a bottle of beer]
   Diandra: Bless you.
Gandalf says the same goes for him: “take back your homeland.”

Blah blah darkness blee evil dragon Benediction Cumbersome 
needs to be stopped. 
   Chrissy: Why are you deliberately screwing up his name? 
    You’ve seen basically everything he’s been in for the 
    past five years.
   Diandra: Trust me, okay? I know what I’m doing.
   Chrissy: The last time you said that we both got food 
    poisoning.
   Diandra: You are just never going to let that go, are 
    you?
Gandalf says he ran into some “unsavory characters” along 
Greenway who mistook him for a “vagabond” and one of them was 
carrying this message written on some sort of animal skin. He 
hands it to Thorin. It looks like the random scratchings of an 
insane person. Gandalf says it’s a promise of payment upon 
delivery of Thorin’s head written in Black Speech, the generic 
language of Evil in Tolkeinland. “You can wait no longer. You 
are the heir to the throne of Durin. Unite the armies of the 
Dwarves. Together you have the might and power to retake 
Erebor. Summon a meeting of the seven dwarf families. Demand 
that they stand by their oath.” There are only seven families 
of Dwarves? Just how much incest is going on in Middle Earth? 
Thorin says the seven armies “swore that oath to the one who 
wields the King’s Jewel.” Okay, well...hence this insane quest 
to retrieve one specific rock from a fire breathing dragon. I 
guess.
   Chrissy: What? No smartass comment about the King’s 
    Jewels?
   Diandra: I thought that one spoke for itself.
Actually, it’s called the Arkenstone apparently. And yes, it 
was stolen by Smaug. “What if I were to help you reclaim it,” 
Gandalf asks as the bounty hunters give up and walk out the 
door in the background. Thorin reminds him, in case he forgot 
in the last two minutes, that it’s “half a world away” and an 
enormous dragon is sitting on it. Gandalf says yep, that’s why 
they need “a burglar”. 

And we cut to Bilbo peeking over a bunch of rocks. The chyron 
says this is now one year later. Actually, it says twelve 
months because it’s an asshole. Bilbo is watching some...I’m 
gonna say early stage Orcs riding werewolves in the distance. 
Then he notices one of the “werewolves” on a nearby rock ledge 
and runs before it spots him. He meets up with the rest of 
Fellowship 1.0 at the bottom of a slope and tells them the pack 
is “a couple leagues” away from them, but there’s something 
“else” out there. Gandalf asks if it looked like a bear by any 
chance. Bilbo blinks and says ‘uh, yeah, except, like, three 
times bigger’. Redshirt #1 is upset that Gandalf knew there was 
a giant murder-bear out there and didn’t tell them. He thinks 
they should double back. Thorin grumbles that they’ll just run 
into the Orcs. Gandalf says there’s a house not far from here 
that they could take refuge in. And you’re just mentioning this 
now? Thorin asks if this house belongs to friend or foe. 
Gandalf says neither and honestly he’s not sure if the guy will 
help them or kill them. Oh, awesome. Someone asks if they have 
any sort of options here. The werebear growls from somewhere 
close by and Gandalf’s like ‘uh...nope.’

So they run across a field and through a forest and somehow the 
Orcs fail to catch up to them. They barely make it into the 
house before the werebear slams into the heavy doors. Once they 
manage to lock him out, the hobbits ask Gandalf what the hell 
that thing is anyway. He says that’s the owner of the house 
they are in and his name is Beorn. At least it is when he’s in 
human form. 
   Chrissy: What’s his name in this form?
   Diandra: It doesn’t matter. He won’t come when you call 
    him.
   Chrissy: Ugh. That’s all you’ve got? 
   Diandra: I’m sorry. I haven’t done a Tolkein movie in 
    years. I’m getting rusty.
Gandalf says the werebear is a psycho, but if he’s in human 
form he can be quite reasonable. He doesn’t like Dwarves 
though. The Dwarves in their group look at each other. Redshirt 
#3 rants about how “unnatural” this whole thing is: Beorn is 
obviously under some sort of “dark spell”. Gandalf scoffs at 
this and mutters a cryptic “he’s under no enchantment but his 
own.” Then he tells them all to get some sleep, reassuring them 
that they will be safe here tonight. “I hope,” he adds under 
his breath. Yep. As long as the crazed werebear doesn’t break 
in before changing back to a human. Sounds legit.

Outside, the werebear paces back and forth, watching the house 
and growling indignantly. The Orc watches from a safe distance. 
Orc #2 asks (in the generic language of evil), why they don’t 
attack now while the hobbits are sleeping. Orc Captain (?) says 
no, not while “the beast” is standing guard over them. They’ll 
attack when they start moving again. So basically, killing them 
while they’re defenseless and stationary would be too easy. 
Another Orc intercepts them as they return to their camp in the 
woods to announce that “they’re gathering in Dol Guldur”. You 
know, sometimes I think Tolkein came up with the names of some 
of these places by randomly throwing down a few Scrabble tiles 
and arranging them into something he thought looked good. Oh, 
also, the Master has summoned him. Captain Orc growls at that.

Night. Bilbo is staring at the ceiling of the barn they are 
apparently sleeping in. But it’s not just the bleating goats 
that are keeping him awake: the one ring is whispering to him. 
He turns it over while the whispering voice gets louder and we 
switch to an ominous looking castle built into a rock 
somewhere. Oh, we’re back with Captain Orc. Okay then. He walks 
out onto a broken walkway in the middle of the half-destroyed 
building and a puff of black smoke detaches from a wall to 
hover beside him. This is the Necromancer, who, as I mentioned 
earlier, is voiced by Beneficent Circumvents.
   Chrissy: This is Tanja Tzarovska all over again, isn't 
    it?
   Diandra: Who?
And the fact that he is also playing Smaug will explain the 
name I will be referring to him by for the rest of this scene. 
“We grow in number. We grow in strength. You will lead my 
armies,” says Puffy the Magic Smoke Dragon in the generic evil 
language. Except JUST using Black Speech isn’t ominous enough – 
he has to say the lines backwards, which makes him sound like 
he’s coughing up a hairball. Orc Captain says what about 
Oakenshield? Well, they had that one good hit, but then the 
band broke up, and... Wait...what are we talking about? Oh, 
right. That’s supposed to be Thorin’s last name. Okay. Puffy 
says winter...excuse me WAR is coming. Orc Captain is like ‘but 
you promised I could kill him!’ Also, don’t change the subject. 
Puffy floats through him and hisses “death will come to all” 
cryptically. 
   Chrissy: Play that one backwards and it says “Paul is 
    dead”.
   Diandra: Paul who? Is that the guy Kanye discovered?
   Chrissy: Very funny. Don’t make me hurt you.

Puffy the Magic Smoke Dragon slips away and one of Captain 
Orc’s minions sticks his head around the corner to ask if 
they’re going ahead with this hobbit hunting expedition or 
what. Captain calls for “Bolg”, who is apparently that Orc who 
came to the camp to collect him. He is also not to be confused 
with “Borg”. 
   Chrissy: Resistance is futile. 
He asks if Bolg wants to kill him some dwarves. Bolg growls and 
maybe drools a little.

Back at the ranch, the werebear turns into a naked guy who is 
only slightly less hairy. Bilbo is still awake when he enters 
the...is the barn attached to the house? Anyway. He’s wearing 
pants now, but he’s so far away that we probably couldn’t tell 
either way anyway. Bilbo kind of gulps and pretends to be 
asleep.
   Chrissy: But he’s holding his breath and secretly hoping 
    the wild beast man comes a little closer so he can get 
    a good look at his...er...totally undefined pecs and 
    beer gut.
   Diandra: Kind of fell apart on you there, huh?
   Chrissy: Damnit. Where’s Viggo Mortensen when you need 
    him?

Morning. Wait...what? Horses are galloping through the fields 
nearby, their long gorgeous manes flying behind them, looking 
very much like some sort of advertisement for a travel agency 
or maybe Budweiser. Bilbo is awakened by an ENORMOUS ASS BEE 
landing on his face. Is that all wetas are? I thought they were 
more wasps than bumblebees. Oh, yes, and thank you, Peter 
Jackson, for the reminder that we’re in New Zealand, the number 
two home to all the world’s living monsters (#1 being, of 
course, Australia). Bilbo is apparently the last one to wake up 
and wanders into the kitchen where Beast Man is pouring milk 
into an enormous beer stein. Or it just looks enormous because 
a hobbit is sitting next to it and they’re supposed to be tiny. 
“So you are the one they call Oakensheild,” Beast Man growls in 
Thorin’s general direction. “Tell me. Why is Azog the Defiler 
hunting you?” He’s called Azog the Defiler? Really? Was Zork 
the Rapist taken? Thorin asks what he knows about Azog. Beast 
says his people lived in the mountains long before the Orcs 
came tramping in. The “Defiler” killed most of his family and 
kept the rest as slaves. Bilbo looks pointedly at the cuff on 
his left wrist. Because he never bothered to remove it since?
   Chrissy: It reminds him of that time he was kept in a 
    dungeon and raped repeatedly by an Orc. It fuels his 
    rage and drives him to eventually exact his revenge on 
    the monster who killed his family.
   Diandra: Are you writing fanfiction right now?
   Chrissy: No, I think I’m describing every revenge 
    action-hero story ever written. Except with more rape.
Beast says they weren’t enslaved for anything practical like 
work. The Defiler was just amused by chaining up werepeople and 
torturing them. Bilbo is like ‘wait, this means there are other 
half-animal humans running around out there’? Beast says nope, 
only one left. Oh, really? Who is that? Oh, wait...oh.

Beast turns to Gandalf to confirm that they need to reach the 
mountain before the end of autumn. Gandalf agrees: “before 
Durin’s Day” yes. Beast says well, they’re running out of time. 
Gandalf says that’s why they need to go through Mirkwood – aka, 
the Land of the Elves. “Darkness lies upon that forest,” Beast 
murmurs. “Fell things creep beneath those trees.” Is this the 
same forest where the trees have faces and 
talk...very...slowly? Beast says there’s an alliance between 
the Orcs of Moria and the Necromancer of Dol Guldur. There’s 
more than one of Puffy? Seriously, why was none of this ever 
brought up in the 25 hours that Lord of the Rings went on? We 
had ghosts, flying dinosaurs, talking trees and giant spiders, 
but this book has a completely different set of mystical 
creatures. Is there any overlap between them at all? Beast says 
he wouldn’t go through there unless he was REALLY desperate. 
Gandalf says they’ll take the Elven Road – that should be safe 
enough. Beast is like pshah, what do you know of safe? Have you 
ever met a Mirkwood wood elf? 
   Chrissy: Isn’t that where Legolas is from?
   Diandra: He’s their prince.
   Chrissy: Okay, well, that’s...I thought they were an 
    immortal, benevolent race that mostly stayed away from 
    everyone else?
Beast says they’re not like other elves: they’re dumber and 
more dangerous.
   Chrissy: Oh, well. Okay then.
Beast says it doesn’t matter though because the Orcs are 
roaming all over these lands and there’s more of them by the 
day.
   Chrissy: Aren’t Orcs just, like, devolved elves? 
   Diandra: Why do you keep asking me questions? I never 
    read the books. The sum total of my knowledge is the 
    last movie trilogy and whatever I gleaned from 
    Aragorn/Legolas fanfiction.
   Chrissy: So...
   Diandra: Yes, they’re basically elves gone evil. 

Beast concludes that they’ll never make it there on foot. He 
rambles about how he hates Dwarves because they’re greedy 
little jerks, but he hates Orcs even more so...he’ll give them 
whatever they need. And we cut to the group climbing onto 
ponies and riding off. 
   Chrissy: I call dibs on Rainbow Dash!
   Diandra: Who?
   Chrissy: You had a deprived childhood, didn’t you?
   Diandra: I had twelve Barbies and two Kens. The only 
    horses I had were stuffed or one of those big things 
    mounted on springs that you could bounce on and pretend 
    you were galloping across a field. I turned out fine.
   Chrissy: Not sure I would go that far...
   Diandra: What?
   Chrissy: Nothing. Continue.

They ride across pretty, pretty New Zealand and arrive at the 
edge of a gnarled forest with some sort of ornate doorway in 
the middle. Gandalf calls this the Elven Gate. Wow, first the 
Elven Road and now the Elven Gate. Can’t wait to see what other 
sort of brilliantly creative names they come up with. Redshirt 
#5 notes that there’s no sign of Orcs anywhere, so luck is on 
their side at least. Quick, there’s a whole lot of wood up 
there: go knock on it. Gandalf looks up at the nearby ridge to 
see Beast in werebear form. Okay, if that’s all it took to keep 
the Orcs away, why didn’t they just do that? Gandalf tells them 
to set the ponies loose so they can go back to their master. 
They won’t be needing them anymore. Bilbo wanders over and 
announces that the forest has a “sick” feeling to it, like it’s 
“diseased” and asks if Gandalf is sure there isn’t a way around 
it. Gandalf says yeah, well, if you want to take a 200 mile 
detour to the North or a 400 mile one to the South, be my 
guest. Bilbo sighs and fingers the ring in his pocket.

Gandalf climbs down some steps into the forest and we get a 
quick flash of Galadriel whispering about something moving in 
the shadows, growing in strength. “Beware the Necromancer. He’s 
not what he seems”. Nice as it is to see you, Cate Blanchett, 
this is only making me wish we could see more of you. Even if 
you are totally wasted on this role.
   Chrissy: Aren’t all women wasted in a Tolkein movie? The 
    only one even remotely interesting was Eowyn.
   Diandra: Hold that thought. We should be coming back to 
    that soon.
I guess she’s communicating psychically or something because 
she tells Gandalf to go to “the tombs in the mountains”, which 
he further identifies as “the High Fells”. Be sure to avoid the 
Low Rises. And the Midrange Obliques.

Gandalf comes back out to the clearing as the hobbits are 
unsaddling his horse, the ponies already running away. He says 
no, wait, he needs the horse still. Bilbo concludes that this 
means he’s leaving them. He says rest assured, he wouldn’t do 
it if he didn’t absolutely have to. Then he cocks his head at 
Bilbo and announces that he’s “changed” since they left the 
Shire. Bilbo says yeah, he’s been meaning to tell him... His 
voice cracks a little and he tries again. “I found something in 
the Goblin tunnels.” Then he hesitates, fingers the ring that 
is probably still whispering all sorts of promises, and 
concludes that he just found his courage. Sigh. I know Gandalf 
can’t know he has the ring now because he found out about it at 
the beginning of “Fellowship of the Ring”, but this is 
annoying. Gandalf buys this lame explanation and says that’s 
good because he’ll need plenty of that. He says he’ll wait for 
them at the overlook “before the slopes of Erebor” and under no 
circumstances should they attempt to go into the mountain 
without him. Then he warns them that something is different 
about the forest these days – it has some sort of mind-altering 
qualities so they will probably run into all sorts of bullshit 
that will try to distract them or scare them off or whatever. 
Whatever they do, they have to stick to the path because if 
they wander off, they’ll never find it again. I’m sure there’s 
supposed to be some sort of deep metaphor there, but...fuck it.
   Chrissy: It’s actually good recapping advice too. The 
    further we stray from the plot, the more impossible it 
    is to find our way back.
   Diandra: I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
   Chrissy: We were...oh. I see what you did there.
Thorin repeats that they have to reach the mountain before 
sunset on Durin Day and marches into the forest.

I’m just going to dust off the name I gave a similar group of 
only hobbits and dwarves in Lord of the Rings and use it here. 
So, the Lollypop Guild winds their way through the forest in a 
montage until they start complaining of being dizzy and having 
headaches and the path they’re walking on suddenly 
disappearing. They all wander in every direction, muttering 
about not being able to find the yellow brick road and not even 
knowing what day it is. Then Bilbo notices he’s sitting next to 
a giant spiderweb. 
   Diandra: Oh, shit, I had to ask about overlapping 
    fantasy creatures, didn’t I?
   Chrissy: HAHAHA!
Bilbo plucks at the web and the whole thing vibrates. And then 
suddenly they’re walking again except Bilbo looks down and sees 
that the ground beneath him appears to be going in the wrong 
direction. Also, the guy behind him is now wearing his face. 
Basically, they’re all tripping balls. Except Bilbo is the only 
one coherent enough to realize that they’re going in circles. 
Thorin says they’re not lost: they just have to keep heading 
East. How like a guy to claim he knows what he’s doing when he 
clearly doesn’t. One of the others points out that they can’t 
see the sun through the thick foliage so how the hell are they 
supposed to know where East is?

The Lollypop Guild starts arguing amongst themselves. All but 
Thorin, who realizes he can hear voices whispering. He tells 
them all to shut up and whispers “we’re being watched”. Bilbo, 
meanwhile, has decided to climb the nearest tree in an attempt 
to see where the sun is and get a direction. Once he’s up above 
the canopy, he starts shouting down descriptions of everything 
he can see which is mostly bodies of water. But the mountain 
they’re headed for is within sight. In fact, he thinks they’re 
“almost there”, which is probably where the Fellowship was for 
a good eight hours of screen time. He worries that he can’t 
hear the group anymore and ducks back below the leaves. Then he 
trips over some webbing and falls through about twenty-five 
spider webs until he manages to catch a “branch” that turns out 
to be a leg. The owner of the leg roars at him and he falls 
into a web that actually sticks to him. The giant spider climbs 
down, wraps the web around him and hauls him over to the part 
of the forest where the spiders are keeping the rest of group 
for future snacking needs. The spider stops to hover over him 
for a minute because...it wants to admire how delicious he 
looks? I have no idea. At any rate, this gives him enough time 
to wake up, locate his sword and stab the spider, knocking it 
however many stories down to the ground. I’m guessing the 
Shelobs learned their lessons when his son (nephew? Whatever) 
came around because I remember Frodo being half comatose and 
helpless in the same situation. 
   Chrissy: That’s because he was poisoned first. You 
   should always make sure your food is dead before 
   preserving it for later meals.

Bilbo hovers near the edge of the spiders’ food storage area, 
sword in hand, but as there are approximately twenty of them 
roaming around his odds aren’t very good. So he decides to even 
those odds a bit by putting on the One Ring and becoming 
invisible. Once the cloaking device is activated, he can hear 
the spiders whispering to each other about whether or not they 
should eat their victims now while they’re still fresh. “Their 
hide is tough, but there’s good juice inside,” one hisses. 
“Stick it again,” another goads. “Stick it again. Finish it 
off.”
   Chrissy: Yeah, stick it faster! Harder! Get all that 
    good juice!
   Diandra: *chugs the rest of her open beer* Is this whole 
    movie going to be one rape allusion after another? 
    Jesus Christ, how warped was Tolkein, exactly?
   Chrissy: Here, have another beer.
The hobbit they’re salivating over wakes up and starts 
struggling, kicking one of the spiders, who is surprised to 
find that its dinner is still twitching and thinks they should 
just kill him now. Bilbo creeps around the corner, picks up a 
stick and tosses it. The spiders hear it land and all run in 
that direction like particularly dim golden retrievers. Except 
one, who is too eager to get a taste of the struggling “juicy” 
hobbit. Bilbo creeps up on it and starts whacking it 
ineffectively with his sword.
   Chrissy: Sweetie? I want you to re-read what you just 
    wrote and think about how dirty that sounded.
   Diandra: No, I really don’t want to. I need a brain 
    scrubber. *drinks*

The spider flails and squeals “where is it?!” Bilbo takes off 
the ring and says “here” before stabbing it in the face. And we 
can still hear it talking (squealing, really), so apparently 
the ring had nothing to do with translating or anything: 
they’ve always been able to talk. It’s possible this was 
mentioned before and I just blocked it from my memory along 
with everything else having to do with giant spider nonsense. 
He hacks down the rest of the Lollypop Guild but before they 
can fight free of the webs, the spider apparently recovers and 
lunges at him, knocking the ring from his hand as they tumble 
to the ground. 

The next couple minutes are basically a waste of time, so I’m 
going to run through them as quickly as possible. Bilbo finds 
the ring again pretty much immediately, but has to kill some 
sort of giant crab or baby spider or something to get to it. 
There’s a moment where he seems to realize that the ring is 
warping his brain, but it doesn’t last long. The rest of the 
group, meanwhile, frees themselves of the webs and runs around 
fighting the rest of the returned spiders. This includes a 
horrible moment where they rip all the legs off of one of the 
spiders because Peter Jackson is apparently not above a little 
animal cruelty. 

All this bullshit is finally mercifully ended when Legolas 
swings down from the trees on top of one of the remaining 
spiders, kills the one threatening the group and aims an arrow 
at Thorin’s face. Elves suddenly appear all around them, bows 
at ready. “Do not think I won’t kill you, Dwarf,” Legolas 
growls. 

Apparently one of the dwarves got separated from the group 
because the spiders decide to descend on him now that everyone 
else is distracted by this new development. Enter my new 
favorite character of this entire series. Evangeline Lilly 
jumps out of a tree, using one of the spiders as a trampoline, 
stabs another in the face and, as the one she jumped on 
recovers and lunges at her, kills it with a showy backhanded 
stab. She shoots an arrow into the one attacking the dwarf and 
spins as a fourth spider lunges toward her.
   Diandra: Yeah, in answer to your question about Tolkein 
    and women earlier, Chris? No, Eowyn was the closest he 
    came to a decent female character. The only reason this 
    badass woman exists is because Tolkein didn’t write 
    her. Or at least he didn’t write her like this.
   Chrissy: And people complained about this?
   Diandra: Yeah, I have ceased to understand basically 
    anything having to do with this series and its 
    accompanying fanbase.
Another spider appears and heads toward dwarf #6 (yeah, I’m 
just numbering them randomly) and he asks her to throw him a 
dagger. Not pausing the duel she is still conducting with the 
other spider, she growls that she’ll be DAMNED if she gives a 
weapon to a dwarf. She finishes the one she’s fighting, spins 
around and throws a dagger into the face of the charging one 
just as it bursts into the clearing. 

The elves start frisking the group and Legolas finds a two 
sided picture frame that’s like a cross between a locket and a 
wallet on one of the dwarves. He asks who this is: his brother? 
The guy snarls that it’s his wife, actually. Yeah, in case you 
forgot: dwarves are all ugly and hairy. Legolas asks who the 
horrible mutant-like thing is in the other picture. “That’s me 
wee lad Gimli.” Ah. Hello, Gloin. There’s a long pause while 
Legolas kind of stares blankly. Don’t worry, you’ll understand 
in a few decades when you’re younger.
   Chrissy: Time shifts are a bitch.
   Diandra: No kidding.

Legolas turns to Evangeline (whose name is apparently Tauriel) 
and asks if all the spiders are dead. She says yeah, thanks for 
the help, by the way. You killed, what, ONE of them while I 
took care of the rest? Never send a man to do a job that 
requires multitasking. Now can we get out of here before any 
more of them arrive to avenge their fallen brethren? Or, you 
know...words to that effect. Someone hands Legolas Thorin’s 
sword, which he notes is an Elven forged blade. He waves it at 
Thorin and demands to know where he got it. Thorin says it was 
a gift. Legolas concludes that he is both a thief AND a liar. 
As the elves are marching the Lollypop Guild away, #8 asks 
Thorin where Bilbo is. Thorin appears to have just realized 
he’s gone. Turns out he’s following them, wearing the ring of 
invisibility. The Guild is marched into a palace and Legolas 
hesitates for a moment outside like he can sense Bilbo creeping 
around behind them. Then he goes in and the doors shut behind 
him and it’s not at all clear if Bilbo got inside or not.

The Lollipop Guild is marched over about three dozen walkways 
carved out of wood and featuring ornate carvings because the 
set designers put a LOT of work into this okay? Lee Pace sits 
on a throne in the middle of the palace somewhere. Like Orlando 
Bloom, he has long blond hair and blue eyes and inexplicably 
dark eyebrows. So obviously he’s supposed to be Legolas’ dad, 
the King – a character I only know exists because I saw him 
mentioned several times in fanfiction. 
   Chrissy: Usually because Aragorn is asking him for his 
    blessing to marry his son. 
   Diandra: Oh, you read those too?

The Lollipop Guild is unceremoniously thrown into cages in the 
dungeon. The guy Tauriel is escorting sees one of the elves 
relieving a dwarf of the knife he still somehow had and asks if 
she’s going to search him too. “I could have anything down my 
trousers.” Tauriel, bless her, easily replies with “or nothing” 
and slams the door to his cage shut. Seriously, I love this 
woman. Legolas intercepts her as she’s stalking away and 
demands to know why the dwarf is looking at her like that. 
Because that’s how straight guys look at girls they think are 
pretty? You wouldn’t understand, honey. Tauriel has no idea, 
but notes that he’s awfully tall for a dwarf. Legolas grumbles 
sure, but he’s still ugly. Oh, so you’re more like the boy who 
doesn’t know how to tell the girl he likes her and resorts to 
pulling her pigtails and tearing down the competition.  
   Chrissy: Or he’s just, you know, confused about those 
    feelings he keeps having for that guy he met in elven 
    sword training.
   Diandra: Well, the guy did have a pretty spectacular 
    sword.

We jump ahead just enough time for all the elves to wander 
away. The Guild tries to knock down the doors to their cells, 
which in the case of a couple that are sharing a cell manages 
to look like they’re humping against the door.
   Chrissy: Yeah. Look like.
   Diandra: Oh, come on. It’s been what, ten minutes? It 
    would take at least a couple hours before that would 
    start.
Old fart dwarf calls to them that it’s pointless trying to 
break out because this isn’t an ordinary Orc dungeon. It’s the 
Halls of the Woodland Realm and they aren’t getting out unless 
King Thranduil lets them out.

Elsewhere, Thranduil (whose crown is giving the illusion he has 
antlers coming out of his head) is rambling about how some 
might see the Lollypop Guild’s mission as a noble quest to 
“reclaim the homeland” and “slay a dragon”. He chooses to see 
it more likely as attempted burglary in the hope of claiming 
the throne because whoever has the Arkenstone can do that 
apparently. By the way, I'm not the only one who is confused by 
this "quest" thing. Here's a quote from The Editing Room.com's 
abridged script: "is his plan to grab the jewel and then go 
around showing it to people, saying ‘Yeah, we still don’t have 
any of our land or money because of the massive man-eating 
dragon, but I’ve got this rock so you have to do what I say’?" 
Seriously, they will follow whoever happens to have this thing? 
I say we give it to Gollum and see what happens. He likes shiny 
things. Speaking of shiny things, Thranduil says actually he 
can sympathize with that because there are these shiny white 
jewels made of starlight in that mountain that he would love to 
get his hands on. Diamonds. They’re called diamonds. Long story 
short (too late), he says he will help them. Or rather, he will 
release them if they agree to “return what it mine”. He says 
Thorin has his word “from one king to another”. Thorin scoffs 
and rants about just how far he can trust the word of a man who 
has demonstrated a complete lack of honor and trustworthiness 
so far. “We came to you once starving, homeless, seeking your 
help” and his answer was basically ‘let them eat cake’. Well, 
he IS royalty. What exactly did you expect? He throws in a few 
dwarvish curses that are not translated but I imagine involve 
Thranduil fornicating with his sexually promiscuous mother and 
maybe a goat. “Do not talk to me of dragon fire,” Thranduil 
hisses. He makes a face that is either pained or orgasmic and 
his skin seems to melt away and burn and one eye turns milky 
white. Yay for special effects! “I have faced the great 
serpents of the North,” he says before backing away, his face 
going back to normal. So...what the hell just happened?
   Chrissy: You demonstrated a disturbing inability to 
    recognize the difference between excruciating pain and 
    sexual climax?
   Diandra: Hey, if E.L. James can get a publishing deal...

“I warned your grandfather of what his greed would summon,” 
Thranduil growls. “But he wouldn’t listen. You are just like 
him.” He gestures at the guards, who take Thorin away while he 
says ‘fine, stay here for the next hundred years then’. 
Thranduil himself has another thousand or so years to live so 
he can afford to wait around that long for Thorin to come 
around.

Thorin is tossed back in his cell. Old guy asks if Thranduil 
offered a deal. Thorin says yeah, and “I told him he could go 
îsh kakhfê ai-‘d dûr-rugnu”. Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s not 
physically possible without a ladder and a harness. He raises 
his voice and says that goes for the rest of his bastard race. 
Old guy grumbles ‘well, all right then. You just sent all hope 
of us getting out of here sailing out the window, but that’s 
FINE. I’ll just go lie down in the corner and wait for death’. 
“Not our only hope,” Thorin says cryptically because I guess he 
and the guy who pointed it out to him are the only ones who 
have noticed that Bilbo is still running free. Nice friends you 
have there, Baggins.

Turns out Bilbo did make it through the doors as he’s wandering 
through one of the 50,000 archways in Super Secret Ring 
Cloaking Mode when Thranduil crosses his path, seems to look 
right at him and says “I know you’re there.” Bilbo freezes. 
Then he sighs in relief as Tauriel comes up behind him and says 
she was just coming to find Thranduil to give him her report. 
Why are they speaking English to each other if no one else is 
around? Thranduil grumbles that he ordered that nest of spiders 
cleared “two moons past”. She says they did, but much like the 
spiders in the corner of my bathroom door, the bastards keep 
coming back no matter how *#^%@*#& times you destroy their 
webs. Often within hours. Tauriel says they’re “spawning in the 
ruins of Dol Guldur” and if they take them out there MAYBE they 
can end this shit. Thranduil says no, that’s not in their 
territory, so they just have to keep waiting until they cross 
into Elven land to kill them. Well, if you don’t like her 
perfectly reasonable solutions, then DON’T COMPLAIN about the 
way she’s doing her JOB. She points out that even if they do 
successfully drive them away, they’ll spread to “other lands”. 
Thranduil doesn’t give two shits about other people’s 
territories, as was pretty much said already in his argument 
with Thorin, but it never hurts to be redundant to the point of 
clobbering your audience over the head.
   Chrissy: The motto of every fantasy writer ever.
   Diandra: Certainly Phillip Pullman’s.

Thranduil gets flustered when he hears something off to the 
side (Bilbo sneaking down the stairs) and Tauriel moves to 
leave. Then he turns back to her suddenly and blurts that 
Legolas told him she “fought well today”. Oh, gee, how generous 
of him to compliment the little woman who was totally running 
circles around him. “He has grown very fond of you,” he adds. 
She scoffs at his assertion, saying Legolas thinks of her as 
“no more than a captain of the guard.” 
   Chrissy: Also, there’s the fact that she’s not a rugged 
    human with pretty eyes and is very distinctly lacking a 
    penis.
   Diandra: I was getting to that. And I hear her type runs 
    more along the lines of fuzzy hobbits anyway.
Thranduil says maybe he did once, but now... Tauriel says she 
didn’t think Thranduil would take too kindly to his son 
shacking up with a “lowly Silvan Elf.” Christ, they have a 
caste system within the elven race. Why am I not surprised? 
Thranduil has his back turned by now, so he doesn’t see the 
hurt look on her face when he agrees that he wouldn’t, which is 
why he wants her to stop letting him think he has a chance with 
her. Oh, well. All right then. If you don’t like her because 
she’s the wrong kind of elf, then you’re REALLY not going to 
like the scruffy human he falls for in about a century and a 
half. 
   Chrissy: You can’t tell me who I can and can’t love, 
    DAD! I’m running away and we’re getting married!
   Diandra: Wow, you really have read “Lord of the Rings” 
    fanfiction.

Meanwhile, Zorg the Rapist is hovering within sight of the main 
gates of the castle, trying to find a way in.

Dungeons. Tauriel finds the tall dwarf tossing a stone with 
scribbling on it into the air repeatedly and asks what that 
thing is. He says it’s a talisman. Also, it has a spell that 
prevents anyone who is not a dwarf from reading it on pain of 
eternal curse. She blinks and starts to slip away, but stops 
when he adds “or not. Depending on whether you believe that 
kind of thing.” Actually, he says his mother gave it to him to 
remind him of the promise he made to return to her. Ah, 
mother’s guilt. He flips it in the air again and it flies out 
of the cell. Tauriel retrieves it and admires it for a moment 
while sounds of some sort of party drift from above somewhere. 
He notes that they seem to be having fun up there. She says 
it’s Mereth e-nGillith, the Feast of Starlight, so yeah, 
basically it’s Mardi Gras. She waxes poetic on starlight a 
little, then finally hands back his rock. Then she keeps 
blathering about beauty and starlight and walking beyond the 
edge of the forest and blinding white light and MY GOD this is 
why this movie is so long. Human sized dwarf says he saw a fire 
moon once.
   Chrissy: Oh, stop trying to impress the girl.
   Diandra: Yeah, doesn’t he know that women like her don’t 
    respond to flattery? They respond to men who completely 
    ignore them and have disapproving fathers who forbid 
    them from dating.
He starts telling the story in more detail and she sits beside 
the cell hanging on his every word, totally oblivious to 
Legolas watching from one of the paths in the distance. Wait, 
did he just say he would love to show her the caverns?
   Chrissy: More like he’d like to see HER caverns.
   Diandra: Would you STOP stepping on my punchlines!
   Chrissy: Those deep, tight, wet caverns...
   Diandra: Okay, you need to go sit in the corner and take 
    a timeout.

In the wine cellar, we watch from Bilbo’s Ring-o-Vision as 
elves load empty barrels onto a barge to take back 
to...wherever they make wine in Middle Earth. One of the elves 
encourages the guard with the keys to the cells upstairs to try 
some from the bottle he’s slugging because he says the King may 
be a first class prick, but he has great taste in wine. The 
guard says eh, sure, why not? It’s not like they’re going to 
somehow get hold of these keys I’m going to put on this hook 
over here and free themselves, right?

Holding cells. Bilbo saunters up with the keys in his hand and 
unlocks all the cells one by one. Then he leads them down to 
the wine cellar where the two elves who were drinking are 
passed-out and instructs them to climb into the empty barrels 
piled up waiting for whoever is going to pick them up for 
recycling. They all hesitate until Thorin tells them to do as 
he says. Then Bilbo pulls a lever and the floor tilts and all 
the barrels splash down into the river under the cellar. He 
grins victoriously, then realizes as the trap door slams again 
that he neglected to figure out how HE was going to get out. 
Tauriel comes down into the cellar, demanding to know where the 
guard is because I guess they’ve already figured out the 
Lollypop Guild escaped. Bilbo sort of bumbles around until he 
gets the trap open again and falls out just as Tauriel comes 
around the corner. He grabs on to one of the occupied barrels 
and the group starts paddling.

They barely make it out to the rapids before the elves emerge 
from the castle and blow an emergency horn, prompting some 
guards to close a gate downriver and block their escape. 
Fortunately for nobody, this is the moment the Orcs decide to 
attack. They’re mostly focused on the elves, though, which 
gives the tall dwarf a chance to fight his way up to the gate 
control. Meanwhile, since he’s proving to be such an integral 
character, I just spent a good five minutes searching two 
different websites in an effort to figure out what the hell his 
name is. It’s Kili, by the way.
   Chrissy: You could have figured that out, like, thirty 
    minutes of movie ago if you’d paid attention.
   Diandra: It’s not that I’m not paying attention. It’s 
    that I could populate a small island with all the fucks 
    I don’t give.
Kili ALMOST gets to the lever before an orc arrow hits him in 
the leg. He goes full Achilles and collapses, which his friends 
watch in horror.
   Chrissy: And I would like to point out that one of those 
    friends just said his name, so you literally wasted all 
    that time looking it up when you could have waited, 
    like, a minute.
   Diandra: So glad you could help me with this recap, 
    Chris. Thanks a lot.
   Chrissy: Flaming sarcasm doesn’t come across in type, 
    you know.
   Diandra: Neither does this *makes rude gesture*.

Everyone just kind of sits there wringing their hands 
helplessly until Tauriel and Legolas show up and start 
murdering the hell out of all the orcs in the vicinity. I guess 
seeing his totally unattainable crush being a badass gives Kili 
a burst of energy because he manages to flip the gate control 
and jump down into his empty barrel as it floats through. 
Tauriel spares a glance back at them, but everyone else is too 
busy fighting to care anymore. The Lollypop Guild bobs along 
the river and over about a half a dozen mini falls – Bilbo 
still clinging half-drowned to the outside of one of the 
barrels – while some orcs give chase. Tauriel, Legolas and a 
couple other elves fight their way past the gate and chase 
after THEM. This scene goes on for, like, ten minutes with orcs 
being speared by elves and drowned or bashed on the rocks by 
dwarves. The most ridiculous moments involve one of the 
barreled dwarves bouncing up onto the shore and knocking over 
about twenty orcs like bowling pins and Legolas using their 
heads like stepping stones as he skips around, shooting and 
stabbing.
   Chrissy: Did we accidentally switch to the video game?
   Diandra: Up up down down left right left right B A, 
    bitches!
Twice in a row Legolas is nearly killed by orcs. Once, a dwarf 
throws an axe at it, toppling it before Legolas even notices 
it’s there. The second time, Tauriel shoots an arrow aimed at 
the back of his head mid-air and leaps on the Orc. He stops her 
before she can kill this one though and Tauriel watches as 
about a dozen remaining orcs continue to chase the Guild down 
the river.
   Chrissy: I’m not sure if that’s a sign he wasn’t quite 
    as skilled a fighter as he would be in Lord of the 
    Rings or just a cheap fake-out.
   Diandra: Can’t it be both?

Elsewhere, Gandalf climbs a mountain and winds through a dark 
cave for a while until he runs into an odd looking little guy 
named “Radergast” who dresses like a hobo and has birds 
literally nesting in his hair. Apparently they’re in a crypt 
because Radergast notes that the walls have lots of “dark 
spells” scribbled on them (damn kids) and asks who is buried 
here. “If he had a name, it’s long since been lost,” Gandalf 
grumbles. He is now known simply as Servant of Evil #9. Or, you 
know, the Necromancer, Beneful Cuneiform.
   Chrissy: That's a brand of dog food and an ancient form 
    of writing.
   Diandra: Is it? Huh.
Radergast asks “why now” but I’m not sure if he means why 
Gandalf is LOOKING for him now or something else. Gandalf says 
the Ringwraiths have been summoned to Dol Guldur. Radergast 
protests that a human sorcerer can’t summon that kind of evil, 
though. Gandalf is like ‘who said anything about a human?’ He 
says they’ve been too stupid to notice all the signs that their 
Enemy (yes, that is capitalized) has returned in the form of 
this Necromancer, Benign Cumberbund.
   Chrissy: That's...closer.
   Diandra: Not as interesting as a malignant codpiece 
    though.
   Chrissy: Are you feeling all right? 
He concludes that Azor the Rapist is his commanding officer, 
gathering the legions in preparation for war which he somehow 
knows will begin at that mountain in the East. He starts 
marching off to rejoin the others because he started them on 
this mission and he can’t just abandon them now that he knows 
the danger they’re in. Radergast says if what he’s saying is 
true, the Lollypop Guild aren’t the only ones in danger: the 
whole damn world is fucked. Gandalf angsts that he is expected 
to just abandon his “friends”. Yeah, it won’t be the last time. 
Spoiler alert.

Meanwhile, the Lollypop Guild is kind of bobbing lazily down 
the now tranquil river, noting that they seem to have lost the 
orcs. #12 says yeah, but they also lost the current that kept 
them moving, so they will probably catch up eventually.
   Chrissy: Just how many members of the Lollypop Guild are 
    there?
   Diandra: I think they multiply when you’re not looking.
They climb ashore and Kili jams a piece of cloth in his 
bloodied arrow wound. Thorin yells at everyone to get moving 
again, but #4 says they have to bind Kili’s wound. Thorin’s 
like oh, well, excuse me. We’ll just let the orcs catch up to 
us while you play nursemaid. I’m sure they’ll be understanding. 
Old Guy asks where they’re supposed to keep running to. Bilbo 
says the mountain is close. Old Guy points out that there’s 
still a lake between them and it and since this is a Tolkein 
story it is probably infested with all sorts of horrors just 
dying to distract them from their mission on an hour sideplot. 
Oh, my god, I just realized this entire SERIES has been about 
people wandering from their original goal and the whole thing 
would have been so much shorter if they had just STUCK TO THE 
DAMN PATH.
   Chrissy: What were we talking about again?
   Diandra: We...I...I don’t remember. *cries*
Actually, Old Guy just says they don’t have a way to cross the 
lake. Bilbo suggests they go around it then. #8 – that guy who 
has no ideas to offer but likes to poke holes in all of yours - 
says the orcs will catch them for sure then. Thorin tells them 
to go ahead and bind Kili’s leg, but they only have two 
minutes.

And because a fantasy series can never have too many 
characters, a human who looks an awful lot like Orlando Bloom 
does outside of these movies crashes in on them just then.
   Chrissy: How do you know he’s human?
   Diandra: I spend a few minutes deciphering nerdspeak on 
    Wikipedia. Apparently he’s the last/first king of 
    old/new Dale, wherever THAT is.
He’s as good an archer as the elves, though, because he shoots 
every weapon the dwarves try to raise before they can get 
anywhere near him and says if they try that again he will kill 
them. Old guy identifies him as being from Lake Town. Again 
with the spectacularly original place names? Let me guess, this 
is next to Lake Village and Lake Mountain? Anyway, old guy 
points to a barge he claims is nearby somewhere and asks if 
it’s for hire.

Cut to Lake Human piling the barrels onto his barge. “What 
makes you think I would help you?” Um...how about the fact that 
you already lead them all over to the barge instead of telling 
them to screw off? Why aren’t we having this conversation on 
the WAY to the barge? Old guy notes that his clothes are kind 
of ratty and he probably has some kids to feed at home. Human 
confirms that he has three kids. Old guy, for no particular 
reason, adds that his wife must be lovely. Human, predictably, 
says that she WAS, thanks. Dwarf #15 has had enough of this 
small talk bullshit and would like to GET ON WITH IT.
   Chrissy: That is literally the same dwarf you called #8, 
    like, a scene ago.
   Diandra: You know those memes you see online? I would 
    like you to picture the one of Julie Andrews spinning 
    around on the hills of Austria with text that says 
    “this is me, not giving a shit”. Feel free to picture 
    it as many times as it takes to get through this recap.

Human asks what the hurry is. Also, he wants to know who they 
are and what the hell they’re doing out here. Old guy spins 
some bullshit about them being merchants from the Blue 
Mountains going to see friends in the Iron Hills. Thorin pipes 
up that they need food and weapons and stuff and asks if he can 
help. Lake Human says he knows where these barrels he’s loading 
came from and he’s pretty sure whatever happened between them 
and the elves didn’t end well judging by all the arrow marks 
and general damage on the outside of them. This is a problem 
because Lake Town depends on the Woodland Elves for trade and 
harboring fugitives running from them would be a big political 
no-no. Old guy offers to pay double if he can sneak them in 
without anyone being the wiser. Lake Human considers this.

Back at the ranch/castle, Thranduil is rambling about the 
nature of evil and the spreading ignorance of the world. “So it 
ever was. So it will always be.” Legolas, who is holding the 
captured Orc on his knees with a knife to his throat is like 
‘yeah, whatever, can we question this guy now, Aristotle?’ He 
asks the orc why they were tracking a band of thirteen (wait, 
there are thirteen of them?) dwarves. Orc sneers that there’s 
at least one less of them now because they hit that tall one 
with a Morgul arrow so the poison should get him any time now. 
Somehow, he knows to address this part to Tauriel, who is 
pacing the outskirts of this little scene. She gulps, composes 
herself and orders him to answer the damn question. He switches 
to Black Speech and calls Legolas a dog and Tauriel a “she-
elf”, which isn’t an inaccurate description of her but he says 
it with a tone intolerant assholes use when they say things 
like “bitch” or “nigger”, so obviously it was meant as an 
insult. She whips out a dagger and Legolas warns the orc 
against pissing her off. Heh. She lunges at him, but Thranduil 
stops her for some stupid reason. She stalks past him, fuming 
silently and Thranduil says he doesn’t give two shits about the 
dwarf, he wants an actual answer to Legolas’ question. “Tell us 
what you know and I will set you free.” AHAHAHA! That’s good. 
Tell us another one! 

Legolas plays daddy’s puppet again, asking why they have orders 
to kill Thorin Oakenshield – what does he have to do with 
anything? “The dwarf runt will never be king,” the orc hisses. 
Legolas thinks this is a ridiculous statement as there has 
NEVER been a king “under the mountain”. “None would dare enter 
Erebor whilst the dragon lives.” Um...kind of a big qualifier 
there since their mission kinda includes killing him, don’t you 
think? “Your world will burn,” the orc growls. “Our time has 
come again. My master serves the One.” Oh, THAT one. I thought 
you meant the other one. You know...
   Chrissy: Um...no. What are you talking about?
   Diandra: I have no idea, I was hoping you would jump in 
    and help me out here.
He keeps rambling, but the upshot is: war is coming and y’all 
bitches are gonna DIE! Thranduil whips out his dagger and 
beheads the orc mid-laugh, leaving Legolas holding the severed 
head and looking at him like ‘gee, thanks for warning me you 
were going to do that, DAD.’ He asks what the hell he did that 
for after he promised to free him. Oh, honey. It’s so cute when 
you assume your father isn’t a lying megalomaniac. Thranduil 
thinks this is a perfectly acceptable definition of setting him 
free. He steps on one of the still twitching limbs. Legolas 
thinks he might have been able to give them more information. 
Thranduil highly doubts it. He sheaths his sword (no, the other 
one) and stalks away. Legolas asks what the orc meant about 
“flames of war” coming down on them. Thranduil says obviously 
they’re planning on unleashing some super weapon that will 
destroy, like, EVERYTHING. Duh. He orders all their security 
doubled and says nobody is allowed in or out until further 
notice. Because declaring Martial Law has never ruined 
anything.

Legolas goes to order the main gate shut. The guards look at 
him nervously and ask “what about Tauriel?” Legolas freezes. 
Yep. She ran off into the forest while daddy was finishing with 
his “questioning”, bow and sword in hand. Eh, I wouldn’t worry 
too much. She’s probably just searching for a hatch that will 
lead her back to the island where she had guys fighting over 
her.
   Chrissy: Yeah. A hick con artist and an alcoholic with 
    daddy issues.
   Diandra: Oh. Right. I forgot how annoying that triangle 
    was. That’s why I firmly believe she should have gone 
    with Sayid.
   Chrissy: That’s just because you really wanted the two 
    male points of the triangle to fuck each other’s brains 
    out.
   Diandra: Yes, but not on the SHOW. Sheesh. You don’t 
    understand how fandom works at all, do you? I loved 
    Sawyer ending up with Juliet, but basically any options 
    Kate had by the end (except maybe Claire) were boring. 
    This is why we write fanfiction and entertain ourselves 
    with pairings we know damn well the Powers That Be will 
    never go for (because often it might ruin the show). 
   Chrissy: So you’re saying you didn’t actually want 
    Aragorn to rip Legolas’ clothes off and fuck him into 
    the nearest tree?
   Diandra: I’m saying I totally want to see that happen in 
    fanfic. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did. Many times.
   Chrissy: What were we talking about again?
   Diandra: I don’t remember. But I’ve got some lovely 
    images running through my head right now.

We check in with the orcs still on the Lollypop Guild’s trail. 
One sniffs the air and announces that there’s a new scent mixed 
in with dwarf and hobbit now: “man flesh”. 
   Chrissy: Ooo, the best kind. It’s especially good 
    covered in hot cream.
   Diandra: *violent eye twitch*
   Chrissy: I mean, it’s a bit salty, but...
   Diandra: OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP!!

On the barge, Lake Human is navigating through what looks like 
the remains of a sunken city and the Guild is fretting that he 
might run into something even though he says he’s been doing 
this for YEARS. Dwarf #16 mutters that they should just throw 
this Lakeman overboard when they’re done with him. “His name’s 
Bard,” Bilbo mutters. #16 asks how the hell he knows that. 
“Uh...I asked him.” When? #16 grumbles childishly that he 
doesn’t care – he doesn’t like the guy. Old guy points out that 
liking him isn’t a necessity of hiring somebody to do a job for 
you. They all get distracted when...something comes into sight 
in the distance. I’m not sure what they’re looking at, but they 
seem spooked. It just looks like more columns and maybe the 
mountain they were headed for. Bard also seems spooked as he 
asks them for the fare money now. Thorin says he’ll get his 
money once they get their “provisions”. Bard is like yeah, 
well, you asked me to SMUGGLE you in and there are guards up 
ahead so you need to start trusting me. 

Dock. Bard goes to talk to a guard while the Lollypop Guild 
watch from holes in the barrels they are back in. They panic 
and jump to conclusions when Bard seems to point back at them 
while making some sort of deal. They stop talking when loads of 
dead fish start raining down on their heads, covering them.

And they’re off again, moaning and groaning drifting from the 
barrels seemingly full of fish. Bard kicks the nearest one and 
tells him to shut up because they’re almost at the city gate. 
We pan over a CGI approximation of a sea port in the Middle 
Ages as Bard pulls up to the main gate and is halted by a 
customs officer that he greets by name (Percy). Percy asks if 
he has anything to declare. He hands over his papers and says 
he’s “cold and tired and ready for home.” Yeah, I’m sure he’s 
NEVER heard that sort of witty play on the word “declare” 
before. Percy lets it slide and stamps his papers. He goes to 
hand them back when a guy I will refer to as Igor slithers up 
and snatches them, noting that the orders he’s carrying are for 
empty barrels which these clearly are not. He menaces that Bard 
is a bargeman, not a fisherman, so what gives? He concludes 
that the fish are illegal and orders them dumped over the side. 
Bard babbles about times being hard right now and people need 
to EAT while guards move to grab the barrels. Igor says that 
isn’t his problem. Bard says it is if the people start hearing 
that his Master is dumping perfectly good food into the lake 
and start rioting. Igor orders them to stop before they can 
dump more than a half dozen fish from a couple of the barrels. 
He spews a few more generic bad guy statements at Bard and 
slinks away as the gate is raised to let the boat through. “We 
know where you live,” Igor adds impotently as Bard sails by. 
Bard says it’s a small town: everyone knows where everyone else 
lives. They also likely know WAY TOO MUCH about each other’s 
personal lives.

Cut to Igor talking to his “master”, who is some sort of king 
or something. Maybe. He’s played by Stephen Fry, which feels 
like a waste, but that’s basically par for the course with this 
series. Igor is bemoaning that the unwashed masses are getting 
too demanding and it’s getting ugly. Stephen grumbles about 
them constantly “bleating” about jobs and food and shelter and 
it’s all so ANNOYING.
   Chrissy: So he’s Louis the Sixteenth then, huh?
   Diandra: More like Louis the Fourteenth. Louis the 
    Sixteenth couldn’t have done a damn thing if he’d been 
    competent enough to know what, exactly, he was supposed 
    to do. The Sun King was the one who spent all of 
    everybody’s money and said the world could go to hell 
    after he died.
   Chrissy: This is the “Man in the Iron Mask”, right?
   Diandra: Now you know why I was laughing at that 
    ridiculous scene at the end of the DiCaprio movie.

Igor thinks those needy loudmouths are being led on by 
“troublemakers”. Otherwise known as union leaders and 
revolutionaries. King Asshole thinks they should arrest all 
these “troublemakers” and suppress all this ridiculous talk of 
“change” before they start “asking questions” and “forming 
committees”.
   Chrissy: This guy should run for US president. He’s have 
   the Tea Party vote locked down.
Igor says it’s getting so out of control that they’re starting 
to talk about having...an ELECTION. King Teabagger (Ooo, yes, 
thanks for the suggestion, Chris) does a spit-take and scoffs 
that that’s absurd and he won’t stand for it! That’s okay, you 
don’t have to. You just have to lay down and position your neck 
under the big sharp blade.
   Chrissy: All this has happened before and will happen 
    again.
   Diandra: And another ten points for the “Battlestar 
    Gallactica” reference.
He storms out to a balcony and grumbles about who would DARE 
have the balls to question his authority. The conclusion he 
comes to? Bard. He is so unsubtle, I’m surprised he doesn’t 
punctuate all this by twirling that ridiculous mustache of his.

Bard, meanwhile, is kicking over the barrels, spilling fish and 
sputtering dwarves all over the deck of his barge. He hands 
money to the guy on the dock with instructions to pretend he 
never saw anything. And as an added bonus, he can have all the 
fish for free. Well, I doubt they’d be worth much anymore after 
a bunch of unwashed dwarves and a hobbit were swimming around 
in them. The Lollypop Guild trails after him until one of his 
kids comes running up to tell him that their house is being 
watched. Then father and son go into the house alone, Bard 
calling to a couple guys out front that they can go back to 
their master now like good little doggies. The son runs to the 
basement and signals the Guild, who crawl in through the toilet 
bench. Because smelling like fish wasn’t bad enough. Now they 
smell like fish AND sewage. Bard’s daughters hover nearby and 
ask why there are dwarves coming out of their toilet and will 
this bring them luck? Eh...yeah, sure kid. While you’re at it: 
why don’t you kiss one of them and see if he turns into a 
prince.

The Exposition Fairy apparently followed them in because while 
they’re huddled around the main living space, she forces Thorin 
to go look out the window at the “Dwarvish windlance” perched 
on the roof of one of the nearby houses. Old guy informs Bilbo 
that the last time any of them saw one of those was the day the 
dragon set the whole city of Dale on fire. We get a little 
flashback of this, but pretty much all we see of the dragon is 
a bunch of vague shadows and fireballs that seem to be coming 
from nowhere. I don’t know if this is because they’re dragging 
out the anticipation of revealing the actual dragon or they ran 
over budget on the CGI rendering and decided to scale it back a 
little. I’m guessing a little of both. More on that later. 
“Girion, the Lord of the City” ordered all of his archers to 
kill the dragon, but dragons are notoriously hard to kill what 
with their thick skin and the fact that they don’t goddamn hold 
still and keep flying away while you’re shooting at them. “Only 
a black arrow fired from a windlance could have pierced the 
dragon’s hide. And few of those arrows were ever made.” That 
seems like an oversight. We see Girion firing arrows from that 
contraption, one of them bouncing off a tail as it goes flying 
past the camera. Thorin angsts that everything would have been 
different if those archers hadn’t *@%&# MISSED. Bard, sucked 
into this exposition dump suddenly, notes that Thorin is 
talking like he was actually there. Thorin grumbles that all 
dwarves know the story. Duh. Bard’s son butts in to say they 
should know, then, that one of Girion’s arrows did hit their 
target – loosening one of the scales under the dragon’s left 
wing – and if they had fired ONE MORE TIME in that exact same 
spot, they could have killed him. Yeah, and technically you can 
throw a penny onto a target the size of a postage stamp from 
the Empire State Building, but I wouldn’t bet on it actually 
working. Especially when your target is moving at 60 mph and 
shooting fireballs at you. Thorin finally kicks the Exposition 
Fairy out of frame and reminds Bard that they were promised 
weapons as part of their bargain earlier.

While Bard retrieves the weapons, the Lollypop Guild discuss 
the fact that Durin’s Day is two days from now so they better 
get a move on if they want to reach this mountain in time. Kili 
finally asks what happens if they don’t find a way in by that 
seemingly arbitrary time. “Then this quest has been for 
nothing,” dwarf #23 non-answers. 
   Chrissy: I’m starting to notice a pattern with your 
    numbering system...
   Diandra: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Bard returns and dumps a sack full of weapons onto a table. The 
dwarves don’t recognize some of them because they are made from 
old fishing equipment and blacksmith tools. Dwarf #42 complains 
that they paid for swords and axes, not this shit. Bard says 
well, this is the best they can do since all the fancier stuff 
is stored under lock and key in the city armory because King 
Teabagger is afraid they might get the idea to use them against 
him. Can’t imagine why. Also, he says they can’t leave now 
because Teabagger’s spies are watching the house and every 
route out of town. They have to wait until dark. Then he goes 
outside, seems to see something, and runs off with instructions 
for his son to watch the Lollypop Guild and make sure they 
don’t go anywhere yet.

Tauriel comes across the bloodied, partial remains of several 
animals by the river. She stops, senses something and whips 
around, bow at ready, only to find Legolas also with his bow 
raised. “I thought you were an orc,” she says in Elvish. I 
highly doubt there are any skinny, blond orcs that move that 
quietly. Legolas says if he was she’d be dead by now. Then he 
switches their discussion to English and tells her she can’t 
hunt 30 orcs down all by herself. There’s still 30? How do we 
know that and how the hell many were there in the first place? 
That’s some serious overkill sending that many men to kill a 
few dwarves, a hobbit and a wizard. Tauriel points out that 
she’s not doing it alone. Legolas smiles and concludes that she 
knew he would follow her. She kind of smiles a little back like 
‘yeah, I figured you’d chase me like a lovesick puppy because 
you haven’t figured out yet that you’re not actually into 
girls’. Legolas says King Daddy is upset because he’s been 
protecting her for 600 years, treating her like the daughter he 
never had...
   Chrissy: What, Legolas doesn’t count?
...and now she goes and defies him like a bratty teenager, 
betraying his trust. He begs her to come back, swearing 
Thranduil will forgive her if she does. She sneers and tells 
Legolas where Thranduil can stick it. He’s the one who is 
letting orcs run rampant over everything just beyond their 
little gated community. Legolas is like ‘not our circus, not 
our monkeys’ and she argues that it is because with each orc 
victory, their evil spreads. Like the zombie apocalypse. She 
says his dad just wants to wall them in like the city is a 
bunker and let chaos rain down on everything. “Are we not part 
of this world? Tell me mellon, when did we let evil become 
stronger than us?” 

Bard runs into what looks like a medieval pawn shop. Luckily 
the owner knows him (because it’s a small town), because he 
just starts pawing through things in search of a tapestry that 
has some sort of genealogical tree on it. Some townfolk outside 
are gossiping about seeing some dwarves earlier, but they might 
have had the sun in their eyes and what the hell would dwarves 
be doing around here anyway? One of them mentions a prophecy 
though, which combined with Bard running across Thorin’s name 
on the tapestry seems to ring some sort of bell. Bard mumbles 
something about the “lord of the silver fountains” and “king of 
the cavern stone”. “King beneath the mountain shall come into 
his own.” He switches to voice over as he continues what is 
apparently the rest of this prophecy: “And the bell shall ring 
in gladness at the mountain king’s return. But all shall fail 
in sadness and the lake will shine and burn.” Mmmkay. 
So...basically he really is the dwarf version of Aragorn but 
this whole thing is fated to end badly? Lovely.
   Chrissy: Did Dr. Seuss write that prophecy?
   Diandra: Why do we even fucking try? It’s obvious we’re 
    all going to die. 
   Chrissy: That’s deep, dude. [/sarcasm] What the hell? 
    Why are you putting a “sarcasm” tag on that? 
    [/indignant bitchy tone] You are so going to pay for 
    that.
He runs back to the house to find the Lollypop Guild gone. “I 
tried to stop them,” his useless son moans. Seriously, kid, you 
had ONE JOB.

Apparently, the Lollipop Guild is trying to break into the 
armory. Because of course they are. They grab a whole bunch of 
weapons and Thorin finally notices that Kili isn’t looking too 
good seconds before he goes tumbling down a flight of stairs, 
his arms full of weapons, making as much fucking noise as 
possible. They’re all captured immediately and dragged to King 
Teabagger’s castle. Igor takes one look at them and announces 
that they are obviously mercenaries. Dwarf #48 tells him 
exactly where he can get off because it just so happens that he 
is speaking to Thorin, son of Thrain and Thror.
   Chrissy: Nephew of Loki and grand-nephew of Odin.
   Diandra: That’s Thor.
   Chrissy: Oh. 
Thorin steps forward amid murmuring from the gathering crowd 
and declares that they are the Dwarves of Erebor, come to 
reclaim their homeland. He waxes poetic about how great this 
town used to be back when it was the center of all Northern 
trade. He would like to restore it back to the way it once was. 
Bard, of all people, arrives to announce that all he’s going to 
do is wake the dormant murderdragon who will kill them all. 
Thorin says they’re all free to listen to Chicken Little here, 
but he promises if they succeed in their quest EVERYONE will 
share the wealth stored in the mountain. 
   Chrissy: Not if King Teabagger has a say, socialist.

Everyone starts cheering, but Bard jumps in front of Thorin and 
barks at them to listen: “have you forgotten what happened to 
Dale?” The old guy who was gutted by a zombie, forcing Daryl to 
shoot him? Yeah, that was rough. “Have you forgotten those that 
died in the firestorm?!” Um...no, that doesn’t ring any bells. 
He says all of that happened because of the “blind ambition” of 
a greedy mountain king. King Teabagger finally chimes in that 
they must not be too quick to blame anyone here (words usually 
spoken by the person most at fault). He reminds Bard that it 
was HIS ancestor Girion who couldn’t shoot straight and kill 
the goddamn dragon. Bard tries a different tack: he stomps over 
to Thorin and growls that he has NO RIGHT to go into that 
mountain. Thorin’s like ‘yes I do, neener neener’ and turns to 
King Teabagger. “I speak to the Master of the Men of the Lake. 
Will you see the prophecy fulfilled?” Um...the one where 
everybody dies? Yeah, I’m sure he’d be glad to see you and a 
dragon duke it out as long as he can hide in the basement. Once 
everyone’s dead, he can call dibs on ALL the money. Or, as he 
puts it: “welcome!”

Next day. Maybe. As the Lollypop Guild is headed out, Bilbo 
says “you do know we’re one short. Where’s Bofur?” Oh, that’s 
cute how you think anyone would notice if one of you went 
missing. Thorin says if #108 has fallen behind then that’s 
tough shit because they’re going to have to leave him there. 
Old guy agrees that they have no more time to waste waiting for 
anybody because they need to get to the mountain by nighfall. 
Well, if you weren’t getting sidetracked so goddamn always you 
wouldn’t be running this late, would you?
   Chrissy: What page are you on?
   Diandra: What?
   Chrissy: This recap. What page are you on?
   Diandra: ...I see your point.
Also, Thorin orders Kili to stay behind because he’s clearly 
not in any physical shape to do much of anything and he’ll slow 
them down. Kili protests that he HAS to be there when they 
enter the halls of their ancestors. Thorin sort of pets his 
hair and is like ‘no, honey, you just rest and you can join us 
when you’re feeling better.’
   Chrissy: And then we can go back to our arrangement 
    where you sneak into my tent in the middle of the night 
    and we reenact that scene from “Brokeback Mountain”.
   Diandra: Pretty sure they don’t have tents, but I 
    embrace the sentiment anyway. *salutes Chrissy with 
    beer bottle and drinks*
Dwarf #815 protests that Thorin can’t take this away from Kili. 
It’s just cruel after all the promises. Thorin says one day 
#815 will understand that he cannot risk all of them and their 
mission for the sake of one dwarf. “Not even my own kin.” Oh, 
Kili is his son? I take back all the slashy stuff I just said.
   Chrissy: Since when has a little incest stopped a 
    fandom? Like you said at the beginning of the recap: 
    there are only SEVEN dwarf families. It’s like the 
    Iceland of Middle Earth down there.
   Diandra: Ugh. No. Ew.
#815 – apparently also Thorin’s son – decides fuck this mission 
then, he’s going to stay with Kili.

King Teabagger gets on a podium to make a speech and the horns 
played to introduce him wake up #108 where he has apparently 
passed out drunk under a table.
   Chrissy: Been there, have the tattoo.
   Diandra: You’re lucky that’s the only souvenir you have.
He runs out the door just as King Teabagger finishes his no-
doubt pointless speech and everybody listening cheers and waves 
goodbye to the departing Guild. #108 arrives about five minutes 
too late and notices that there are three other dwarves left 
behind because of Kili. Kili collapses before anyone can 
explain and they rush him back to Bard’s house. Bard is not the 
least bit happy to see them and grumbles that nope, that’s it, 
he’s done with dwarves. He goes to slam the door in their face, 
but #108 pleads that something is seriously wrong with Kili and 
nobody else will help them. Er...why not? Isn’t everyone else 
in this town suddenly pinning all their hopes for the future on 
the rest of your little fellowship?

Boat. Thorin is standing on the prow, trying his best to look 
cool...or warrior like...or something as they row toward OH 
THANK GOD, THEY’RE FINALLY AT THE MOUNTAIN. That only took over 
three goddamn hours of screentime. Oh, wait...now they have to 
climb up one part of the mountain, over a ridge, and search for 
a way in. Fuck. 
   Diandra: You okay if I take a nap and you can wake me 
    when they get there?
   Chrissy: No. You started this, you’re going to see it 
    through. 
   Diandra: I hate you sometimes.
   Chrissy: I know. Now shut up, drink your beer and get 
    back to writing.
   Diandra: Yes, MOTHER.
Bilbo asks what this desolate looking place built into the side 
of the mountain is about. Old guy says it used to be Dale 
before “the desolation of Smaug”. So where is Dale in relation 
to Rivendale, exactly?
   Chrissy: What’s the significance of Rivendale?
   Diandra: I...don’t remember. My brain just farted out 
    that random memory. Hang on, let me consult 
    Nerdopedia...apparently it’s where Elrond was from. The 
    name means “deep valley of the cleft.”
   Chrissy: Should I say what I’m thinking right now or 
    should I just go sit in the corner again? 
   Diandra: Oh, shut up. Basically, it’s another city built 
    into a mountain. The place names in Middle Earth 
    continue to dazzle me with their originality and 
    creativity. [/sarcasm]

Thorin notes that it’s almost high-noon, so they better get 
going if they’re going to find the way in before sunset. Bilbo 
says wait, isn’t this where Gandalf said he’d meet them? You 
know, when he said that under no circumstances were they to 
attempt to go into the mountain without him? Thorin’s like 
‘yeah, well, he’s not here and we’re out of time so fuck him’. 

Gandalf, meanwhile, is headed toward Dol Goldur to find 
Benevolent Cucumber.
   Chrissy: Okay, now you're just naming terrible rock 
    bands.
   Diandra: Also, not as good as Malicious Alfalfa.
   Chrissy: I am seriously starting to worry about you.
He identifies it as Dol Goldur for the benefit of the audience. 
Otherwise known as “the hill of sorcery”. Well, that’s a much 
better name. Why didn’t we go with that? Radergast says it 
looks abandoned. Also haunted. Gandalf says that’s what it’s 
SUPPOSED to look like thanks to some sort of spell. He 
concludes that the “concealment spell” can only mean “our enemy 
is not yet ready to reveal himself.” Maybe if you got a few 
drinks in him first? 
   Chrissy: Knowing him, I doubt it would take that much. 
   I’ve had boyfriends who have shown less skin.
He orders Radergast to go give a message to Galadriel: “we must 
force his hand”. Radergast asks what the hell that means. Oh, 
good, I thought it was just me. Gandalf says he’s going in 
alone and Radergast is not to come in after him under any 
circumstances. Yeah, you don’t have a good history of people 
actually following instructions like that, bud. Radergast is 
like ‘yeah, sure, whatever,’ and Gandalf starts for the main 
entrance. “Wait, Gandalf! What if it’s a trap?” Gandalf rolls 
his eyes and orders Radergast to get going already and don’t 
come back. Then, under his breath, he mutters that it’s 
definitely a trap.

He wanders into what might be the main entryway of the 
“castle”, sword in one hand, magic staff in the other, and 
calls in another language altogether to “the evil that is 
hidden here” to show itself. He bangs the staff on the ground 
and a bubble of...I don’t know, magic?...burbles out over the 
ruins nearby, knocking some dust from them. Deeper in the 
castle, a couple orcs note that the wizard is here and he’s 
trying to lift the cloaking spell, which they are apparently 
hiding behind. Orc #1 thinks they should let him and the dozen 
or so werewolves crowding around them suddenly snarl and 
slobber in agreement. 

Back on the mountain, the Lollypop Guild is wandering around in 
search of the entrance. Jesus. They’re going to be doing this 
for another twenty minutes, aren’t they? Thorin says according 
to this paper he’s carrying (which I don’t remember seeing 
before), it should be right above them. “Right here,” Bilbo 
shouts, running toward an enormous, intricate pillar carved 
into the rock. On top of the pillar is an arm, connected to an 
enormous fucking statue carved so that it seems to be half-
emerged from the rest of the mountain. “You have a good eye, 
Mr. Baggins,” Thorin marvels. Um...really? He’s the only one 
who could spot that giant section of mountain that is full of 
geometric shapes not typically found in nature?
   Chrissy: Seven families. 
   Diandra: Right. I keep forgetting.

They climb the statue and Thorin goes up to the flattest part 
of the wall beside it, concluding that this is where the hidden 
door must be. And according to legend, the “last light of 
Durin’s Day” will point to the keyhole.
   Chrissy: Where did they get the key again?
   Diandra: Probably sometime during the last movie when I 
    was snoring into the couch cushion. Who cares? They 
    have a key.
Three dwarves search frantically for the keyhole while the sun 
sets, getting frustrated quickly and resorting to trying to 
bash their way in with axes, which all break. The sun droops 
below the horizon and they all stand around dejected. “What did 
we miss?” Thorin moans. Old guy basically shrugs and says they 
lost their one chance to get in. They all troop back to the 
statue to climb down, Thorin dropping the key sullenly, except 
Bilbo who yells that they can’t just GIVE UP, damnit. He runs 
over to the wall and starts reciting more detailed instructions 
than what Thorin was reading.
   Chrissy: Oh, look, he’s one of those rare guys who 
   actually reads the directions!
Then he looks up and realizes that the clouds are shifting, 
uncovering the moon. Sure enough, shadows start moving around 
on the wall, lighting the keyhole. Okay, what? It’s not like a 
beam of light was necessary to OPEN the door, just to 
illuminate the part of the wall the lock is on. Couldn’t they 
have, you know, KEPT LOOKING.
   Chrissy: Seven-
   Diandra: Right. Incest. Complete and utter morons. Got 
    it.
Bilbo shouts at the Guild to come back because obviously what 
the legend meant by “last light” was “last moon of autumn” and, 
oh yeah, he FOUND IT.

Thorin turns the key in the lock and a rectangular portion of 
rock swings open. “Erebor,” he growls. Old guy gets misty-eyed. 
No, scratch that, they ALL get misty eyed and Thorin gets 
nostalgic as they all file in. Dwarf #1516 reads the plaque on 
the wall above the door: “Herein lies the Seventh Kingdom of 
Durin’s Folk. May the heart of the mountain unite all dwarves 
in defense of this home.” Well, you guys have done a fantastic 
job so far, obviously. Bilbo blinks at it. Old guy points out 
that the picture in the middle is of the king’s throne. Bilbo 
says huh, so the weird egg-shaped thing hovering over it 
radiating light beams is...? “The Arkenstone,” Old guy says. 
Duh. Bilbo obviously has no clue what he’s talking about 
because apparently I forgot that nobody bothered to tell him 
why they brought him on this mission. Thorin says THAT is why 
they needed a burglar. Bilbo looks around to see everybody 
staring at him like he’s stumbled into some sort of human 
sacrifice ritual and he’s already been volunteered. He gulps. 
Seriously, you NEVER thought to ask what the hell they needed 
you for? Really?

And we’re back in Lake City.
   Chrissy: Town.
   Diandra: Who cares?
The three uninjured dwarves are fussing over Kili, who is 
moaning and groaning like he’s either dying or giving birth.
   Chrissy: Spoken like somebody who has read way too much 
    mpreg.
   Diandra: Read? I’ve written four.
   Chrissy: Hardly counts when only one of them had an 
    actual birth scene in it.
   Diandra: Wait, you read all of them?
   Chrissy: I...shit.
Dwarf #2342 says he needs something to bring down Kili’s fever. 
He asks Bard, who is searching through supplies in the next 
room, if he has Kingsfoil. Bard says no, they don’t use that 
for anything medicinal. They feed it to the pigs. This gives 
dwarf #108 an idea. 

Back on the mountain of bad ideas. Bilbo confirms that they 
need him to find this jewel amid a mountain of treasure. Old 
guy’s like ‘yeah, we need you to swipe it without waking the 
big ass dragon sitting on it and getting killed, but close 
enough.’ Then he sighs and says Bilbo doesn’t have to go if he 
doesn’t want to. “There’s no dishonor in turning back.” Bilbo 
says he promised he would help, so he feels he has to at least 
try. Old guy chuckles that the “courage” of hobbits never 
ceases to amaze him. You call it courage, I call it stupidity 
and the absence of self-preservation. He says okay, go on now. 
It was nice knowing you. I mean... uh... good luck? And 
remember, whatever you do, if you see a dragon down there do 
NOT wake it up. 
   Chrissy: I feel like that goes without saying. I mean, 
    if I were to stumble on a pack of man-eating bears in 
    the woods somewhere I would think staying as quiet as 
    possible would just be instinctive.
   Diandra: No self preservation, remember?

Back to Dol Goldur and the continuing search for Benzodiazepine 
Cumulonimbus
   Chrissy: I'm taking away your dictionary.
A blast from Gandalf’s staff suddenly reveals an army of orcs. 
Azure the Violator takes a running leap at him and knocks him 
on his ass. “You have come too late, Wizard,” he hisses. 
Gandalf gets up and starts jabbing back with his staff, 
demanding to know where their master is. Zog the Desecrator 
says he’s everywhere and so are they. Gandalf looks over the 
side of the broken floor and sees a bunch of orcs and several 
werewolves below. He bangs his staff on the floor again and 
disappears. Oh, wait, no. Apparently he just teleported himself 
to another part of the broken down castle and he blasts a piece 
of rock so that it falls behind him as he’s running, destroying 
a walkway as a couple wolves are halfway over it. Then he runs 
right into Puffy the Magic Smoke Dragon. “There is no light, 
Wizard, that can defeat darkness,” Puffy hisses except now his 
voice seems to be layered with about twelve other voices and 
maybe a hissing mountain lion. Gandalf holds up his staff and a 
bubble of light bursts out of it, surrounding him and pushing 
Puffy back. Puffy batters at it. This goes on for several very 
long minutes. And then Puffy folds in on himself and takes a 
human shape dressed in armor and ringed with fire. It melts 
Gandalf’s staff from his hands and throws him against the small 
portion of wall it doesn’t destroy. Then the human form loses 
definition, becoming a slit in the middle of elongating folds 
of fire and holy shit Benedict Cumberbatch is the Great Flaming 
Vagina.
   Chrissy: Oh, sure, NOW you get his name right.
   Diandra: I would like to take a moment to say that I 
    think Benedict Cumberbatch is a great actor and a 
    lovely human being and I am genuinely sorry that I 
    basically just called him a giant pussy.
   Chrissy: A giant FLAMING pussy. 
   Diandra: Thanks, Chris. You’re so helpful. *rude 
    gesture*

And we’re inside Depression Mountain.
   Chrissy: I think it’s Lonely Mountain, actually.
   Diandra: Hence why it’s depressed.
Bilbo is proving himself to be no more intelligent than the 
inbred dwarves because as he reaches the bottom of a set of 
stairs he starts calling “hello” in a stage whisper and knocks 
gently on the nearest wall, the sound ricocheting all over the 
place like a gunshot because it’s a goddamn CAVE. You’re 
supposed to be AVOIDING waking up the dragon, numbnuts. Since 
he isn’t immediately roasted alive and eaten, he assumes Smaug 
is out destroying another town and he doesn’t have to worry. 
His eyes bug out as he emerges fully into the cavern to find 
enough mounds of gold in every direction to float the economies 
of, like, ALL the countries. 
   Chrissy: Find the one needle in the haystack, they said. 
   It should be easy, they said.
He picks up several different objects and, upon discovering one 
jewel isn’t the one he’s looking for, tosses it and then tells 
it to shush when it loudly knocks down a pile of other shit. He 
keeps poking around what looks like the remains of an entire 
cathedral full of this crap until one of the objects he picks 
causes an avalanche of coins. The falling coins reveal an eye 
that is somehow still closed. Although Smaug does snort like 
maybe he’s waking up. Or dreaming about chasing werewolves 
across New Zealand. Something. Bilbo darts behind a pillar and 
starts backing away slowly until he realizes that the coins, 
like, a hundred feet away where the dragon’s tail probably is 
are shifting. He stands there like an idiot for a second, then 
crouches down as the dragon starts moving around, sending 
another avalanche of coins sliding past him. I’m sure he’s just 
hoping Smaug will go right back to sleep, but for a moment I 
thought maybe he was hoping that – like the T-Rexes in 
“Jurassic Park” – dragons can only see you if you’re moving. 
The eye opens and he fishes for the One Ring, slipping it on 
before Smaug’s head emerges in the hopes that maybe he hasn’t 
seen anything yet.

And we have finally come to the part of the movie where Peter 
Jackson blew, like, half of the special effects budget. It 
probably would have been more, but apparently it was too 
difficult to do a full rendering on the dragon so Smaug is only 
played by Benedict Cumberbatch from the waist up.
   Chrissy: What is he from the waist down?
   Diandra: Spoken for. Oh, you meant the dragon. That 
    depends. Are we talking about egg-laying dragons with 
    realistic biology or fantasy dragons that can be 
    impregnated by donkeys?
   Chrissy: Why are both of those references female when 
    we're talking about a male dragon? Are you still on the 
    mpreg thing?
   Diandra: I don’t know. Maybe. Do dragons actually have 
    visible reproductive organs?
   Chrissy: I'm sure I wouldn't know and I’m not sure I 
    want to think about this anymore. What were we talking 
    about?
   Diandra: I don’t remember, but now I kind of want to see 
    under the dragon.

Smaug sneers in Bilbo’s general direction and highlights the 
ridiculousness of this whole ‘you can’t see me’ thing by 
growling that he can still smell whoever is there. Also, he can 
hear him breathing. He then proceeds to sort of slither right 
over him because apparently neither of those senses helps with 
his sense of direction. Bilbo tries to be really still again, 
then panics and makes a run for it, finding an even bigger 
pillar to hide behind. Smaug chases him, but the Ring-o-Vision 
makes everything so blurry that trying to track anyone’s 
movements is nauseating. Smaug stalks around the pillar, 
taunting him. “There is something about you,” he hisses. 
“Something you carry. Something made of gold, but 
far...more...preciousssssss.” Somewhere, Andy Serkis is saying 
“tag! You’re it, sucker!” The ring starts whispering and we get 
a brief flash of Sauron the Flaming Vagina, which turns into 
Smaug’s similarly shaped eye as Bilbo rips off the ring in a 
fit of insanity. Smaug is like ‘oh, that was easier than I 
thought it would be’. Bilbo babbles that he’s not here to steal 
from Smaug. “I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence. To 
see if you really were as great as the old tales say.” I am not 
touching that with a ten foot pole.
   Chrissy: Oh, I doubt it’s THAT big.
Luckily, Smaug is either easily distracted from his purpose or 
has an ego the size of a planet because he moves far enough 
away to pull to full height like ‘yeah, check THIS out’. And 
I’m just going to do a direct quote here because there’s no way 
I can say this without sounding like I’m trying to turn this 
into a porno.
   Bilbo: Truly...the tales and the songs...fall utterly 
    short of your enormity.
   Chrissy: Exactly how could you have possibly made that 
    any WORSE?
   Diandra: I couldn’t. I just wanted to make it clear that 
    I had no control over how dirty that sounded. 

So here’s the point when I decided the best way to avoid this 
getting any worse was to take a break. Unfortunately, I decided 
to use this time to attend to the “Family Guy: Quest for Stuff” 
game on my tablet and when I tapped on Benedict (because of 
course he’s a character in the game) he said “oh, bugger me 
ragged!” Needless to say, I have some very strange images in my 
head right now.
   Chrissy: That sounds painful, actually. Also, I kind of 
    find it more disturbing that you gave him instructions 
    to spend the next eight hours rubbing tea on his chest 
    and thighs.
   Diandra: Yeah, that’s because that’s the funniest thing 
    I can make him do. I call it “50 Shades of Earl Grey”.
   Chrissy: Uh-huh. Well, it’s actually a better love story 
    than the original.
   Diandra: That what I’m saying. Chris?
   Chrissy: Yes?
   Diandra: I’ve forgotten what we were doing again.
   Chrissy: Failing to distract you from the fact that the 
    slash opportunities now involve bestiality? 
   Diandra: Oh. Yeah. Fuck it. *chugs the last of a third 
    bottle of beer* We already have incest going. What’s 
    another perversion? Bring it!

Where was I? Oh, yes. Bilbo was gushing about how *big* Smaug 
is. 
   Chrissy: But really, honey, it’s not the size that 
    counts. 
   Diandra: Yes it is. Liar.
Smaug asks if Bilbo really thinks flattery is going to save his 
ass here. Well, it’s working so far, isn’t it? Bilbo says 
um...no? Smaug says he’s damn right it won’t. Then he eats 
Bilbo. Oh, wait, no. He just continues his efforts to talk 
Bilbo to death by asking him how he’s heard about him anyway. 
   Chrissy: Remember that skank Suzy? She’s been telling 
    LOTS of stories.
   Diandra: And so has Johnny. Is it true you made him call 
    you Big Daddy?
   Chrissy: You know, it’s very telling that when you went 
    for the slash reference you chose the name “John”. 
   Diandra: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking 
    about.

Smaug seems confused by Bilbo, having apparently never seen a 
hobbit before, and asks where he’s from. Bilbo is distracted 
momentarily when he sees something shining from under a thin 
layer of coins. Then he says he comes from “under the hill” 
(and over the mountain and through the woods). He babbles that 
he’s been all over the place, really, because he “walks 
unseen”. Smaug gets right up close to him and slobbers a 
little. Bilbo makes a gesture to indicate that he has terrible 
breath. Probably either the unwashed dwarves he last ate or the 
build-up of morning breath from hibernation. Or both. The 
camera practically goes up Smaug’s nose as Bilbo babbles 
something about luck and riddles and nicotine patches. Smaug 
thinks this is interesting for some reason and asks “what about 
your little dwarf friends?” Bilbo makes a “the huh?” face. 
“Where are they hiding,” Smaug clarifies. Bilbo pretends he’s 
never heard of such a creature. Dwarves, you say? Nope. Never 
seen one of those. Smaug is like ‘yeah, I didn’t hatch 
yesterday.’ “They sent you in here to do their dirty work while 
they skulk about outside.” He notices Bilbo is inching slowly 
toward the shiny thing and Bilbo stops and falls back on Plan 
Flatter the Egomaniac. He says he honestly has no clue what 
Sherl- I mean Smaug is talking about “o chiefest and greatest 
of calamities.” Smaug says he is a strangely well mannered 
lying thief. He starts ranting about how he KNOWS the smell of 
dwarves and he KNEW they would come back eventually, which 
Bilbo uses as an opportunity to grab the shining Arkenstone.
   Chrissy: He says he knows the smell and TASTE of 
    dwarves. What is he tasting right now, exactly?
   Diandra: I don’t know, but he was practically licking 
    Bilbo just now.
   Chrissy: Yeah, not really. If he had been, you would 
    have been all over that shit.
Smaug – apparently incapable of standing still while he rants - 
suddenly lurches in Bilbo’s direction and knocks the Arkenstone 
all the way down the hill of gold.
   Chrissy: Yeah, you didn’t think it would be that easy, 
    did you? We’ve got at least another forty minutes of 
    movie here.
   Diandra: We do? Jesus.

Bilbo runs after the Arkenstone while Smaug continues. “Did you 
think I did not know this day would come?! That a pack of 
canting dwarves would come crawling back to the mountain?” He 
starts knocking down pillars in his tantrum. Outside, the 
dwarves feel the rumbling coming from inside the mountain and 
wonder if it’s an earthquake. Well, all of them except Old Guy, 
who knows exactly what it is.
   Chrissy: If the mountain’s a rockin’, don’t come a 
   knockin’!

And we’re back with Kili and the abandoned members of the 
Fellowship. They can also feel the tremors coming from the 
mountain. Dwarf #4815162342 says Bard should take his children 
and get out of dodge. Bard points out that they don’t have 
anywhere to go. His youngest daughter pipes up that they’re all 
going to die because the dragon is totally coming for them ALL. 
Bright little ray of sunshine, she is. Bard pulls the last of 
the black arrows out of the rafters and says “not if I kill it 
first.”

Mountain of Connotations Probably Unintended But Hilarious. 
Smaug is ranting about how he killed the King Under the 
Mountain and ate all of his people and he can kill anyone 
anytime because he is Shiva, Lord of Death and Destruction. He 
is the king of the world, he is become death and he drinks your 
milkshake.
   Chrissy: Wow, your brain must be totally cluttered with 
    random pop culture references.
   Diandra: I would think that would have been obvious long 
    ago.
He’s chasing after Bilbo (and somehow not really catching him) 
as he brags about how invincible he is. “No blade can pierce 
me!” 
   Chrissy: Unless you want it to, of course. 
   Diandra: Consent is absolutely important when swords are 
    involved.
   Chrissy: Especially those big, double edged ones.
   Diandra: I...thought we weren’t talking about actual 
    swords anymore.
   Chrissy: We’re not. 
   Diandra: ...oh. 

And we’re back in the village because whatever. It’s not like 
Smaug is about to eat Bilbo anytime soon.
   Chrissy: Oh, he will. Nice and slow-like.
Bard is sneaking through the village, trying to avoid the 
guards, his son trailing after him demanding to know why he 
never told him he had the arrow. Bard says he didn’t need to 
know before, then starts outlining a shitty plan for the kid to 
distract the guards while he arms the windlance. The details 
don’t matter because it falls apart immediately when the guards 
spot them both and chase them all over town. They duck into a 
protected area and Bard gives Junior the arrow and tells him to 
run for it, then surrenders to the guards. Well, that escalated 
quickly. The guards say he’s under arrest on whatever charge 
King Teabagger sees fit to throw at him. Bard fights back, 
creating enough chaos that nobody notices his kid escaping on 
one of the rowboats. He is finally caught by King Teabagger 
himself (and Igor).
   Chrissy: Maybe now King Teabagger can live up to his 
    namesake. 
   Diandra: No. Nobody wants to see that.

The dwarves outside the mountain discuss whether they should do 
something. Thorin thinks they should give Bilbo more time. Old 
Guy thinks more time won’t help him and he might be dead 
already anyhow. Thorin asks if he’s afraid in that insulting 
way men do to make themselves feel manly by pretending they are 
unfeeling robots. Old Guy says yes, he’s afraid for Thorin. 
Because a “sickness lies upon” the mounds of treasure inside 
the mountain and it drove Thorin’s grandfather crazy. Isn’t 
that what all power and obscene wealth does? Thorin says he’s 
not like his grandfather, but Old Guy isn’t convinced because 
the Thorin he knew wouldn’t flinch at going in there to back 
Bilbo up. Thorin growls that he can’t risk the whole mission 
for the life of one thieving hobbit, even if the mission 
totally depends on him being able to complete it. Seriously, 
this logic makes no sense.
   Chrissy: Since when has any part of this plan made 
    sense?
   Diandra: Good point.

Smaug, meanwhile, is still pacing circles around the enormous 
underground cavern, snarling that he knows Oakenshield sent 
Bilbo in for the Arkenstone. Bilbo says nope, not at all. I 
have no idea what you’re talking about! This might be more 
convincing if he wasn’t still keeping one eye on the Arkenstone 
and babbling frantically. Smaug says he can stop that pathetic 
bullshit because he’s known for some time what Thorin’s plan 
was and it doesn’t matter. “The darkness is coming. It will 
spread to every corner of the land.”

We check back in briefly with Gandalf, who is watching from a 
hanging cage as armies of Orcs march from the ruined castle. 
The faction led by Zurg the Despoiler, meanwhile, has reached 
Laketown.

“You are being used,” Smaug declares.
   Chrissy: Not yet. 
Basically, he pretty accurately summarizes what Thorin was 
suggesting earlier: that Thorin has decided he is expendable. 
Bilbo, happily floating down the river Denial, accuses him of 
“lying”. “What did he promise you,” Smaug taunts. “A share of 
the treasure?” Well, too bad, he says, because he’s not parting 
with a single bit of it. I have a feeling he and King Teabagger 
would get along well. 
   Chrissy: Well, technically they are Sherlock and 
    Mycroft, right?
   Diandra: Oh, right. So they wouldn’t get along at all.
   Chrissy: Yeah, I didn’t really think that one through. 
    Sorry.
Then he goes on this time-waster of a rant: “My teeth are 
swords! My claws are spears! My wings are a hurricane!”
   Chrissy: Oh, do keep going. I want to see how many other 
    body parts you can find metaphors for.
   Diandra: My tail is a bullwhip! My legs are oak trees! 
    My coc- okay, I changed my mind. I don’t want to do 
    this anymore.
   Chrissy: Well, apparently whatever you call it, it’s 
    enormous.
   Diandra: *drinks*

While he’s rambling, Bilbo is focusing in on the spot near his 
wing where the scale has been ripped off. The camera lingers on 
this so long, there might as well be an arrow pointing to it 
with the words “aim here”. “So it is true,” he murmurs. “The 
black arrow found its mark.” Okay, rule number one: don’t 
broadcast your knowledge of your enemy’s one weakness. As a 
strategy it’s right up there with painting a giant bullseye on 
yourself. Smaug’s like ‘what was that, lunch?’ Bilbo 
frantically backtracks: “I was just saying your reputation 
precedes you, o Smaug the Tyrannical.” Smaug snarls and gets 
all up in his grill while Bilbo continues babbling about how 
AMAZING he is. Bilbo looks down and realizes the Arkenstone is, 
like, a foot away from him. “I am almost tempted to let you 
take it,” Smaug purrs and the slasher part of my brain 
instantly pictures those words coming from Sherlock instead of 
Smaug in a completely different context and goes to its happy 
place.
   Chrissy: The slasher part? You make it sound like 
    there’s another part.
   Diandra: What? I’m sorry, my mind kind of...wandered for 
    a minute there.
   Chrissy: Nothing. Just tell me, does whatever is going 
    on in your head right now involve the words “bugger me 
    ragged” by any chance?
   Diandra: Well, it does now.

Actually, Smaug thinks it might be entertaining to watch the 
Arkenstone corrupt Thorin. But on second thought...nah. He asks 
Bilbo how he chooses to die, then apparently chooses for him 
anyway as he lunges at him with his mouth open. Bilbo puts the 
ring on and disappears at the last second. Smaug starts blowing 
fireballs everywhere, but Bilbo has already run past him back 
up the stairs. Without the Arkenstone. Well, that was a massive 
fuck-up.

Laketown. Dwarf #108 snatches some Kingsfoil right from under a 
pig’s nose and runs back to the house, completely ignorant of 
the Orcs crawling around on the roofs waiting to descend. At 
least until one drops to the ground in front of him. A few more 
burst into Bard’s house and everyone but Kili sort of 
ineffectually tries to fight them off by throwing things at 
them. And then an arrow takes out the Orc attacking #108 and 
Tauriel swoops through the door, swords blazing. I seriously 
have a girl crush on her. Legolas comes in through the hole one 
of the Orcs made in the ceiling and takes whatever Orcs she 
isn’t mowing down like a furious hellbeast. Outside, Zoloft the 
Desecrator has determined that Oakensheild isn’t here and 
orders the men to fall back. There’s a ridiculous moment where 
an Orc goes flying from Bard’s house onto a boat below, 
flipping the Orc already sitting on the other side into the air 
high enough for Legolas to behead him. Yes, this is the kid 
friendly version of “Lord of the Rings” in that it is 
absolutely no less violent than “Lord of the Rings”. He goes 
back into the house growling that there will be others coming 
and barks at Tauriel to come with him like she’s his pet and 
running after the retreating Orcs. She looks between him and 
Kili groaning in pain and debates for way longer than she 
probably needs to. Then she sees #108 coming back with the weed 
and snatches it, announcing that she is going to save Kili.
   Chrissy: Yeah, she’s officially a better character than 
    Kate.
   Diandra: Or at least she’s as good as Kate could have 
    been before the Powers That Be chickened out of the 
    whole Woman as Leader thing.

Thorin has apparently changed his mind as he comes down the 
stairs and gapes at the miles of treasure lining the cavern 
floor until Bilbo comes running around the corner like ‘run for 
your life!’ Thorin stops him to ask if he found the Arkenstone. 
Bilbo stares at him like ‘really? There’s an angry dragon on my 
tail and that’s your first concern?’ He grunts something 
indistinct and says they have to go NOW. Thorin blocks his path 
out of the cave. This standoff is interrupted when Smaug comes 
around the corner several yards away and snarls. This is when 
the rest of the Lollypop Guild come tumbling in, doing their 
best warrior yells and probably crapping their pants at the 
sight of the dragon barreling at them. They all leap out of the 
way just as a fireball hits the walkway. Thorin’s coat catches 
fire, but he rolls out of it and keeps running like ‘eh, 
whatever’. I would say he’s a badass, but apparently he’s just 
an ass.

Bard’s house. Tauriel crushes the herbs and smashes them into 
Kili’s wound while chanting something in unsubtitled Elvish. At 
some point, Kili looks up to see her surrounded by a weird 
light, rocking back and forth and speaking breathy nonsense and 
likely thinks ‘either this is heaven or the BEST dream I’ve 
ever had!’
   Chrissy: “Why are there so many other people in my sex 
    dream?”
   Diandra: Aren’t there usually?
   Chrissy: Not ME, Kili.
   Diandra: Oh. Sorry.

Meanwhile, back inside the mountain, the Guild are creeping 
around some part of the underground city that isn’t cluttered 
with piles of shiny crap. #1516 thinks maybe they’ve lost Smaug 
because clearly he’s that one guy in the horror movie who says 
stupid shit right before whatever they are running from kills 
him. Luckily, the others seem to realize this. Bilbo asks what 
they should do now. Thorin thinks there’s a way out if they 
head for the western guardroom. Old Guy points out that this 
involves crossing the incredibly high walkway in front of them 
and that seems dangerous. Thorin says it’s their only chance. 
Lucky for them, Smaug seems to have lost his sense of direction 
again because they’re halfway across the bridge when he flies 
over their heads and just keeps going totally obliviously. 
Seriously, it’s weird. 
   Chrissy: It’s like he can’t sense when something is 
    underneath him. Ooo, that gives me an idea...
   Diandra: No. No! Bad girl!

Bard’s place. Tauriel is tying a bandage around Kili’s wound 
and...wait...why is his pillow a pile of walnuts? 
   Chrissy: Because the humans have a shortage of feathers.
   Diandra: Really?
   Chrissy: How the hell would I know? I have less 
    knowledge of Tolkein cannon than you!
   Diandra: Right. Sorry.
#108 and #815 are huddled in the kitchen, marveling at the 
wonders of Elvish medicine. Kili is awake and calls Tauriel’s 
name. She smiles serenely at him and orders him to lie still.
   Chrissy: Not the last time she’ll be saying that.
   Diandra: Isn’t it usually better if they DON’T stay 
    still?
   Chrissy: That’s a matter of preference, really.
“You cannot be her,” he babbles. “She is far away. She walks in 
starlight in another world. It was just a dream.” He reaches 
for Tauriel’s hand and asks if she thinks this woman could ever 
love him. Tauriel kind of gulps and we switch scenes quickly.

Back in the mountain tunnels, the Lollypop Guild turn a corner 
and find a room with about three dozen dead bodies piled up 
around a caved-in tunnel, in varying stages of decomposition. 
Dwarf #221b bemoans that there is no way out. Old Guy notes 
that the bodies are the last of their “kin” and they...I don’t 
know, laid down and died when they realized that the way out of 
the mountain had caved in and the only other route was past the 
dragon that can’t see anything that’s underneath him? This 
isn’t making a whole lot of sense to me, but then not a whole 
lot else about this movie is. Old Guy says they could try to 
reach the mines (presumably through that caved-in tunnel), but 
they might only last a few days. Thorin says fuck that, he’s 
taking his chances with the dragon. Old Guy says they’ll never 
make it. Thorin thinks SOME of them might if they split up and 
run really fast. And if they can lead him to the forges they 
can kill him. “If this is to end in fire, then we will all burn 
together.” Hm. That would make a good song lyric.

So some of them go running back the way they came to the 
amusement of Smaug, who is perched just off to the side and 
points out in his best Bond villain voice that they don’t have 
anywhere to hide. He starts coming down from his perch when a 
couple other members of the group come running up from the 
side, yelling. He turns and they get hilarious “oh shit” faces 
and run the other way. Then a third group appears on ANOTHER 
walkway and they’re all running in so many directions that I 
don’t even know who is who anymore. Smaug chases after a couple 
of them and nearly lights a couple more on fire, but is 
obviously no better at keeping track of them than I am.

Rivertown. 
   Chrissy: LAKE.
   Diandra: Dude, do you want to write this?
Zarg the Besmircher orders the remaining Orcs to get word back 
to Dol Guldur that Thorin has reached the mountain. Then he 
hears Legolas slicing through all the slow Orcs and orders a 
couple guys to come with him before stomping off in that 
direction. He comes to a main path just as Legolas rounds the 
corner. Legolas draws his sword and does his best to look 
menacing. The other two Orcs come at him from the sides and one 
basically dies immediately. Legolas manages to skewer Zorg 
(maybe), except it totally looks fake and Zurk throws him 
against the nearest flat surface. They engage in the most 
imbalanced fistfight ever for a while until Azol bear-hugs him 
from behind and tries to bite him. 
   Chrissy: Okay, this whole “Twilight” craze has 
    officially gotten out of control
   Diandra: We passed that point at “50 Shades of Grey”.
Legolas headbutts him and reaches for another sword on his 
back. And then the other two Orcs suddenly reappear even though 
I was pretty sure they were dead and the whole fight scene 
vaults into video game territory again. Zolag walks away while 
Legolas dispatches them again (hopefully for good this time). 
Legolas staggers after him, pauses for minute to note that his 
nose is bleeding. Apparently this was enough of a lead for Zurg 
to get on his werewolf and make for the town line. Luckily, 
Legolas’ horse apparently happened to be nearby because we cut 
right to him giving chase.

Back to Operation Confuse the Dragon (not that this should be 
particularly difficult). Smaug catches up to Thorin, Bilbo and 
Old Guy (because of course they didn’t split up the most 
important group members). Bilbo and Old Guy dart into a side 
tunnel to avoid the fireball, but Thorin goes running over a 
ledge, catching some sort of rope pulley that just happened to 
be there on the way down. Smaug chases him. I’m not really sure 
what happened next because it seemed to involve assorted 
dwarves coming out of freaking nowhere to try to haul Thorin 
back up, but it ends with Smaug ripping down the pulley system 
and Thorin landing on his nose. Except that just before Smaug 
can flip him into his mouth like a dog with a treat, Thorin 
jumps onto another pulley that seems to appear out of freaking 
nowhere and gets yanked up, chased by a fireball. I seriously 
have no idea what’s going on anymore.
   Chrissy: Oh, good. The beer’s finally kicking in.
   Diandra: Yeah, let’s blame the beer. That’s good. 
    Thanks.

And now they all stumble on the furnaces Thorin was talking 
about earlier, except now he notes that the plan is not going 
to work because they went cold long ago. “We’ve no fire hot 
enough to set them ablaze,” Old Guy moans. This is, of course, 
the cue for Smaug to roar in the distance, the sound covering 
the noise of an anvil crashing to the floor beside them. 
Thorin’s like ‘oh, don’t we now?’ He marches over to where 
Smaug is crawling up the architecture and applies the age old 
method found in playgrounds across the world. It basically goes 
like this: HEY FAT ASS, SHOULD WE RUN A LITTLE SLOWER SO YOU 
CAN CATCH UP? ALSO, YOU’RE TURNING INTO A REAL IDIOT IN YOUR 
OLD AGE. I’m surprised he doesn’t throw an insult to Smaug’s 
mother in there. They all duck behind the pillars as Smaug 
proves them right about his intelligence and blows an enormous 
fireball at them instead of, say, knocking over the pillars and 
eating them. Somehow, standing just on the other side of the 
pillars is enough to protect them because...oh, fuck it. Logic 
stopped applying to this series long ago.
   Chrissy: When did it ever start?
   Diandra: This is why I don’t do fantasy. I can suspend 
    enough disbelief to buy the existence of supernatural 
    beings or almost anything sci-fi wants to throw at me, 
    but those worlds have RULES that I can UNDERSTAND.
   Chrissy: And that’s why we drink.

The furnaces all catch fire, including the ones nowhere near 
where Smaug was blowing (because WHY NOT?). Thorin orders dwarf 
#1523 to “work the bellows” and Bilbo to go pull a lever when 
he gives the command. Then they pause to marvel at Smaug 
bashing his way through an iron grate for a minute before 
running to put together some sort of “flash flame” which #1642 
notes that they don’t have a whole lot of time left to do on 
account of they wasted their lead time just STANDING THERE. 
They disappear just as Smaug smashes through the gate and 
stands there, panting and snarling and completely missing the 
opportunity to say “here’s Johnny!” He stalks around menacingly 
while Bilbo runs up to the giant lever at the top of some 
stairs. There’s a long moment where Smaug runs into Thorin and 
hesitates long enough for Thorin to scream “now!” Bilbo pulls 
the lever and about a million gallons of water come out of the 
nearby ducts, knocking Smaug sideways and putting out whatever 
fireball he was getting ready to spew. All the pulleys and 
crap, like, everywhere start working because I guess this place 
used to be some sort of assembly line for coal. And the 
machinery somehow still works despite being unused 
for...uh...how long were those bodies there? Whatever. Smaug 
comes crawling back at Thorin while the other dwarves throw 
their “flash flames”, which are apparently basically moltov 
cocktails. This does fuck all because hi, you’re trying to kill 
a dragon with tiny balls of fire? Really? At what point did it 
seem like that plan might actually work? Somebody cuts a cable 
that makes a whole line of coal carts come crashing down on 
Smaug’s head, which slows him down a little. While he’s 
flailing around trying to free himself of the lines, Thorin 
flips a switch that causes molten gold to come pouring out of 
the furnaces and run along gutters in the floor. He yells that 
they have to lead Smaug to the Gallery of the Kings. Then he 
grabs a wheelbarrow and launches himself at the river of molten 
metal flowing past, using the wheelbarrow basically as a 
makeshift sled. Somehow, this actually works, despite the fact 
that it may well be the stupidest plan I’ve ever seen.
   Chrissy: You forgot to suspend your disbelief again.
   Diandra: I don’t think I can ever suspend it far enough.

Smaug finally gets free and glares at Thorin. Except just then, 
the whole chunk of walkway Bilbo was standing on crumbles right 
next to the portion of molten river Thorin sailed past. 
Somehow, Bilbo manages to roll clear and not die. Thorin looks 
back and yells “keep going, Bilbo!” Bilbo looks up at the 
furious dragon glaring daggers at him and completely neglects 
to say “yeah, that’s REALLY HELPFUL! Thanks for the advice, 
asshole!” He starts running with Smaug chasing after him really 
slowly, knocking down as much of the architecture as possible 
in his wake. He gets to what looks like a big banquet hall and 
stops for a second to marvel at it before Smaug smashes through 
the wall behind him and roars. He knocks one of the hanging 
tapestries onto Bilbo and yells “you think you can deceive 
me?!” He raves and rants about this all being some sort of plot 
designed by the dwarves and the men of Lake-town and they’re 
all cowards and thieves and blah blah blee. He draws out the 
words “black arrows”, his voice warbling and hitting pretty 
much every pitch within an octave range, but I’m not sure what 
that was about because the camera is inexplicably focused on 
Bilbo peeking out from under the tapestry. I’m finding this 
funny for some reason though.
   Chrissy: It’s because you’re buzzed. You were giggling 
    when Thorin went tobogganing down the river of lava 
    gold too.
   Diandra: Heh. Lava gold.
   Chrissy: Yeah, you might want to finish this recap 
    before you pass out.

Smaug concludes that maybe it’s time he paid the people of Lake 
Town a visit and starts to leave, but Bilbo leaps up and yells 
that he can’t do that because it’s not their fault. Oh, yeah, 
because dragons are renowned for their sense of fairness and 
justice and would never attack the wrong people by accident. 
Smaug pauses and says “you care about them, do you?” He gets 
right up in Bilbo’s face and adds “good. Then you can watch 
them die!” He starts stomping down the banquet hall in a 
completely different direction than he was headed literally two 
seconds ago because seriously, there is something very wrong 
with his sense of direction.
   Chrissy: Yeah, but since he’s a male, he’d never admit 
    to it.
   Diandra: Shut up! I KNOW WHERE I’M GOING! 

This is when Thorin appears, somewhere back the way they came, 
and gets Smaug’s attention by continuing to shout playground 
insults. Smaug turns to see him standing on top of a pile 
of...something...triumphantly declaring that he is taking back 
what Smaug stole. Smaug crawls back toward him and growls, 
basically, ‘the fuck you will. I’ve been killing little 
pipsqueaks like you since I was WEANED because I AM A VICIOUS 
HELLBEAST AND YOU WILL FEAR ME!’ Thorin’s like yeeeaaaaaah, 
not. He yells something in dwarvish and the rest of the 
Lollypop Guild pull on some chains so that the covering falls 
away from the thing he’s standing on – forcing him to leap onto 
some chains that are hanging nearby for some reason. A massive 
gold statue of a dwarf is revealed and Smaug stares at it for, 
like, a full minute because seriously, he’s even more 
distracted by shiny objects than Gollum. Honestly, why – during 
this entire Escape the Dragon sequence – did NOBODY think to 
try picking up the shiniest object they could find and throw it 
to see if he chased after it like a dog with a squeaktoy? Sure, 
it’s kind of a long-shot, but it MIGHT have worked! 
   Chrissy: Thanks, now I’m picturing Smaug running after a 
    squeak toy with his tongue hanging out.
   Diandra: And knowing him, he’d be going in the wrong 
    direction.

Then still-molten gold comes squirting out of various places 
and the whole statue just dissolves back into a liquid mess, 
sweeping Smaug under its current as it floods the hall. 
Luckily, there just happens to be a depression in the floor 
that keeps it from slopping up past this one main part of the 
hall because, um, Bilbo is still standing over their somewhere. 
Not that anybody has shown any signs of caring about his 
wellbeing at any point in this movie.
   Chrissy: Eh, they pretended to have him along because 
    they needed his special “skills”, but any idiot could 
    have botched that mission the way he did. I’m starting 
    to think they actually just needed him as a virgin 
    sacrifice.
   Diandra: Who says he’s a vir...yeah, I just heard that 
    in my head and realized how stupid it sounded so I’m 
    going to shut up.

Thorin grins triumphantly at the motionless pool of liquid gold 
mess he’s created like ‘yeah, we did it!’ Then Smaug bursts out 
of it, screaming about revenge and running for the other end of 
the hall. “I will show you revenge,” he yells, blasting through 
the far wall and flying into the air, spinning until he’s 
shaken all the gold off before flying off toward Lake Town. “I 
am fire,” he growls at absolutely no one. “I am DEATH.” Bilbo 
(hey, remember that guy?), peers through the newly created hole 
in the side of the underground city and asks “what have we 
done?” Well, honestly, YOU didn’t do all that much, dragon-
bait. Then the screen goes black and Ed Sheeran starts singing 
about how “we should all burn together” so I guess we’re done. 
   Chrissy: Oh, good, because you totally ran out of 
    numbers for the dwarves, like, twenty minutes ago. 
   Diandra: Was that only twenty minutes ago? I feel like 
    time moves at a completely different rate when I’m 
    recapping a Tolkein movie.
   Chrissy: Uh-huh. Does this mean we have to do the third 
    movie now too? I mean, since absolutely NOTHING was 
    resolved in this one?
   Diandra: Oh, god, please just kill me now. 

In conclusion I would like to say, once again, I’m so sorry, 
Benedict. I love you, really!