Welcome back. I can’t really tell what’s going on here because 
this is the point when my VCR went kaput the first time I 
watched this movie and tried to eat the tape. By the time I 
had taken apart the entire VCR and pulled the tape out the 
first couple minutes had already been wrecked. There’s 
fighting and fireballs and Gandalf but I have no idea what’s 
going on or what any of those things mean. To the makers of 
Emerson VCRs: I don’t care how cheap you can sell these things 
for, they’re crap. Now that I’ve got that off my chest...

Pippin watches Denethor lead a bunch of men into some big 
room, muttering something about wood and oil and burning. Oh, 
and the men are carrying Faramir. That’s probably important.

Orcs bust through the gate and all hell breaks loose. Where is 
Aragorn? When I first saw this movie, I mistook Faramir for 
Aragorn, which pissed me off because I had no idea how he had 
ended up shot full of arrows or where Legolas and Gimli went. 
Anyway. Where are they? I’m getting bored over here.

Frodo is finally within sight of the Tower of Mordor (well, 
he’s been in sight of it since the beginning of the last 
movie, but this time he’s closer) when the giant spider sneaks 
up behind him. Oy, here we go...glug glug glug. He hears 
something and turns to find...nothing. So of course, the 
spider is actually in *front* of him now. This has got to be 
the oldest cliché in the book. While his head is turned, a 
giant needle-like protrusion appears and stabs him. He moans 
and squeaks and foam spews from his mouth. That can’t be a 
good thing. “She” is wrapping him up to have for dinner later 
when Sam shows up, brandishing Cate’s light and a sword and 
growls “let him go.” Howard Shore cues up the heroic brass. 
Welcome to Sam’s Moment in the Sun: Part I. “She” immediately 
drops Frodo, presumably because Sam looks like a much more... 
filling alternative. “You will not touch him again,” Sam 
snarls. 
   Chrissy: No, of course not, that’s *your* job!
   Diandra: AAAUUUGGGHHHH! (glug glug glug)

In the ensuing tussle, Cate’s light breaks and Sam manages to 
stab “She” in the eye. “She” responds by sending both him and 
his sword flying. Then she tries to stab him with her phallic 
protrusion of death. He manages to retrieve the sword and stab 
it into her underside. She shrieks and staggers and retreats 
back into her cave. Sam peels cobwebs from Frodo’s face and 
finds him staring blankly at nothing, seemingly dead. Sam 
cradles him and cries. “Don’t leave me here alone,” he 
whimpers. Oy, the clichés. 

Sam’s recitation of old war movie phrases is interrupted when 
Frodo’s sword turns blue. 
   Chrissy: No, the other one!
   Diandra: EW!
He scrambles for cover as a pack of orcs enter the scene, 
hissing and growling. The leader pokes Frodo and declares that 
he’s still alive. Over in his hiding place, Sam looks 
surprised because he apparently didn’t think to check whether 
Frodo was still breathing or anything. The yutz. The orc 
leader orders the others to “get him to the tower” and they 
scuttle off.

Meanwhile, Pippin finds Denethor and his men arranging Faramir 
on a big pile of firewood. Pippin yelps that Faramir is still 
alive (because even *he* knows to check stuff like that) and 
tries to dismantle the pile. Denethor basically throws him 
outside by the seat of his pants and tells him he’s fired.

The army led by Cap. Smith and featuring Eowyn and Merry 
arrive at...some field...somewhere. The orc army is waiting 
for them, oddly patient. Cap. Smith gives the guys (and one 
gal) a pep talk and they charge. The orcs start firing arrows 
but quickly become worried when the good guys keep right on 
charging. Many orcs are killed in the stampede.

Pippin finds Gandalf and tells him that Denethor has 
completely flipped off the deep end and is planning to burn 
his son alive.

Denethor douses himself with oil and orders his men to light 
the woodpile. Gandalf bursts in and the men hesitate. Denethor 
grabs a torch and does it himself. Gandalf charges over and 
knocks him from the flaming pile. Pippin decides that his 
earlier Moments in the Sun were not enough and hurls himself 
into the growing inferno, rolling himself and Faramir back out 
to safety and putting out the flames on their clothes. I’m 
sorry, was the name of this movie “Return of the King” or 
“Revenge of the Bumbling Idiot”? Where’s Aragorn? And what 
happened to my Bailey’s? 
   Chrissy: You drank it all.
   Diandra: Oh. Can you get me another one?
   Chrissy: No.

Denethor roars that they “will not take my son from me,” and 
grabs Pippin. Gandalf rears his horse up on its hind legs and 
knocks Denethor back into the bonfire. Faramir wakes up and he 
and his father make eye contact just before Denethor turns 
into a human fireball, jumps from the bonfire, runs down a 
hall, out the door and down a ridiculously long path off the 
edge of a cliff. Total trip: about two miles. In reality, he 
probably wouldn’t have gotten ten *feet* before collapsing, 
but whatever. “So passes Denethor, son of [someone],” Gandalf 
declares. Gee, you think?

Battle sequence #149. Everyone stops whatever they were doing 
as the ground starts shaking and the ninjas arrive on their 
giant elephants. Cap. Smith frantically orders everybody to 
reform the line of defense. The elephants start flinging 
people left and right with their giant tusks and the riders 
shoot arrows at the survivors. Chaos and carnage abound. Peter 
Jackson pops the tape out of the machine, labels it “for your 
consideration: special effects” and ships it off to the 
academy voters. Eomer manages to shoot one of the riders, who 
falls off his perch, weighing down one side of the elephant 
and causing it to veer into another elephant. Both topple 
over. Did anyone else find this amusing?
   Chrissy: If you have to ask then I think it’s safe to say 
    the answer is “no”. 
   Diandra: Oh. Could you get me another bottle of Bailey’s? 
    I’m out.
   Chrissy: (sigh)

Eowyn gets Merry to take the reigns as they ride under an 
elephant so she can slash both it’s hind legs with her swords. 
The elephant goes down immediately, wailing in pain. Sure. The 
thing has, like, 5,000 arrows sticking out of its body and 
isn’t hindered in the least but a couple of little cuts to 
it’s legs and it drops like a sack of bowling balls. Right. 
The other good guys seem to realize the benefit of taking out 
the elephants and bring down another one. The resulting shock 
wave knocks Eowyn and Merry from their horse and they 
immediately lose each other.

Now we get a relatively quiet moment with Gandalf and Pippin, 
chatting on a balcony while an ogre tries to beat down the 
castle door. What the? Gandalf says this is not the end and 
that death is just another “journey” that everyone must take. 
Excuse me, but since when does Gandalf just roll over and GIVE 
THE FUCK UP? I don’t think I like this new and improved 
Gandalf anymore.

Back on the battlefield the pterodactyls arrive. One plucks 
Cap. Smith up – horse and all – shakes him like a dog with a 
chew toy and tosses him aside. Um...that can’t be good. Turns 
out the rider is the witch king, who then orders the 
pterodactyl to kill Eowyn. Eowyn pulls out a squeaky toy and 
throws it and the dinosaur runs after it, tail wagging. Okay, 
not really, but it seems that easy. She ducks to the side and 
chops the dinosaur’s head clean off. Ew! EW! 
   Chrissy: Do I need to take over again?
   Diandra: (lifting head from garbage can) No, I want to 
    recap this scene, damnit!
The witch king gets off the dead animal and turns to her 
slowly and dramatically. Ooo, he pissed now. He waves a 
gigantic, nasty looking ball and chain contraption at her and 
she gulps. They fight and she manages to dodge his blows for a 
while. Then he shatters her shield and she groans in pain, 
clutching an injured arm.

We break away from this showdown, partly to build up suspense, 
but mostly to annoy the hell out of me. The second army of 
orcs that Elrond was telling Aragorn about is met by a ship, 
which they assume contains their comrades, but since it looks 
completely deserted I think it’s safe to say this is a trap. 
Sure enough, the Three Stooges jump out, brandishing weapons. 
The look in Aragorn’s eyes makes me want to crawl under a 
table and whimper. Mommy?
   Chrissy: Get off me!
   Diandra: Oh...sorry. (crawls back out of Chrissy’s lap) 
    Ooo! More Bailey’s! (hic)
The Three Stooges charge forward, followed by several hundred 
creepy dead guys who seem to ooze right out of the ship’s 
hull. The orcs panic and start to retreat. We pull back to see 
the rest of the dead-man army floating across the water to 
join the fight. It’s actually a pretty cool scene. Really.

Back to Eowyn. The witch king grabs her by the neck and hisses 
“you fool. No man can kill me.” Oy. Anyone who knows what 
comes next, raise your hand. I saw this same exact plot device 
used in a *children’s* show recently. Merry crawls out from 
under the elephant that fell several scenes ago and whacks at 
the witch king, who drops to his knees. His usefulness in this 
scene over, Merry collapses back to the ground. Eowyn rips off 
her helmet and announces “I am no man!” Then she rams her 
sword right through his helmet into the space where his face 
should be. And while that was all one big fat cliché, I’m 
still going to say YEAH, YOU GO GIRL! Have I mentioned that I 
love her? This was her Moment in the Sun in case you didn’t 
notice. We hear what sounds like a balloon deflating and then 
the witch king just *implodes*. What the?

We’re back with the Three Stooges, who seem to have joined the 
same battle as everyone else now. Legolas and Gimli are still 
keeping score. Snort. Aragorn shouts his lover’s name and 
Legolas looks up to see a giant elephant lumbering his way. 
Welcome to Legolas’ Moment in the Sun and my favorite scene in 
this movie. Of course it could just be my favorite because I 
laughed so loud the first time I saw it that my dog nearly 
jumped out of her fur. Legolas runs at the elephant, grabs it 
by the tusk, launches himself up onto its front leg, leaps 
across to its back leg and climbs up to its back. Don’t ask 
how he does this with no handholds whatsoever, just go with 
it. [A/N: apparently I forgot about the arrows sticking out of 
just about everywhere on all the elephants] When he reaches 
the top, he starts firing arrows at the stunt men in the 
bucket strapped to the elephant, muttering “33...34...” Heh. I 
think his accent changed for a second there, but it could just 
be my imagination. The stunt guys start leaping out of the 
bucket to fight him and go flying right off the elephant – 
sometimes with a little push from Legolas, but I’d swear some 
of those guys decided to just save him the trouble and commit 
suicide. He cuts the rope holding the bucket to the elephant 
and watches as it crashes to the ground. Then he shoots three 
arrows simultaneously into the elephants head and slides down 
its trunk as it falls over dead, landing triumphantly on solid 
ground and shooting Gimli a look that I will interpret as 
“beat *that*.” There’s a pause while Gimli pulls his jaw back 
up off the ground. “That still only counts as one,” he snaps. 
Seriously. Best. Scene. Ever.

Clang clang clang. Pretty pan of Gondor. On fire.

Eowyn crawls over to Cap. Smith, who is trapped beneath his 
horse. “I know your face,” he gasps. “Eowyn.” Yes, this is 
*exactly* the same thing he said back in the Two Towers. No, 
it doesn’t make any sense for him to be saying it now. I get 
the distinct impression that the writers have decided to save 
time on this movie by not actually writing anything original. 
She says she’s going to save him. He says she already did. Aw. 
I think...sniff...I have something in my eye...oh, wait, it’s 
just an eyelash. He tells her she’s going to have to let him 
go. Then he talks for, like, twenty minutes more before he 
finally croaks. Seriously, it’s almost as bad as Trinity’s 
death scene in “Matrix Revolutions” except without all the 
mushy lovey-dovey crap. And I say “almost” only because it 
wasn’t quite long enough to make me start throwing things at 
the television, screaming “JUST *DIE* ALREADY!”

Back with the Three Stooges and the army of Dead Men Walking. 
CDG demands that Aragorn “release” them now. Gimli argues that 
this is a bad idea. Why? I’d think it would be better than 
letting a bunch of un-killable ghosts with bad tempers hang 
around. CDG yelps that he *promised*! Oh, and he’s gonna tell 
mom that Aragorn’s a big meanie if he doesn’t do it. “I hold 
your oath fulfilled,” Aragorn says. “Go. Be at peace.” And 
*poof*, they just disappear. Well, that was ridiculously easy. 
What was the point of that whole side story?

Pippin and Gandalf arrive on the battlefield. Pippin sees 
Merry trapped under a body and runs to uncover him. Then he 
cradles his lover in his arms and calls his name. Merry opens 
his eyes and moans “I knew you’d find me.” Well, of course he 
would, sweetheart, you’re his better half! And I mean that in 
more ways than one. Pippin promises to “look after” him and 
covers him with a blanket that was lying conveniently nearby. 
Or maybe it’s someone’s cloak, I don’t know. I could make 
jokes about Pippin “looking after” Merry, but I think I’ll 
pass because I have decided to take the high road on this one. 
Also because the alcohol is starting to affect my brain and I 
just don’t have enough functioning brain cells to come up with 
clever innuendoes right now.

Mordor. Or Bara-dur or something. Frankly, the more I try to 
keep these names straight the more confused I become, so I’m 
just going to refer to this place as the Tower of Doom: Part 
Deux. We pan up the tower and inside where we find an 
unconscious and sick looking Frodo. He’s not wearing a shirt, 
which is making me feel a wee bit uncomfortable. He wakes up 
when orcs enter the room and start rooting through his things. 
I have to give him credit for not screaming his head off, 
although he’s gasping and panting so loudly I’m surprised they 
haven’t noticed he’s awake anyway. One orc picks up the elven 
shirt of armor Frodo’s been wearing since the first movie. Orc 
#2 says it’s his now and orc #1 alludes to the idea that *all* 
of Frodo’s clothes are his. Frodo hears this and warily looks 
down to confirm that he is, in fact, naked. Ew. Kiddie porn.
   Chrissy: You do realize he’s two years older than you and 
    therefore has been a legal adult for a while, right?
   Diandra: No, he’s not! He’s eleven years old and he just 
    rescued Mel Gibson from a cryogenic freezer!
   Chrissy: You’re hopeless. You know that, right?
The two orcs fight while Frodo quietly panics and tugs at the 
rope binding his hands. Orc #2 kicks orc #1 down a chute and 
into a room with a bunch of other orcs. “[He] tried to knife 
me,” orc #2 lies. “Kill him!” 

Sam arrives somehow. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was 
too busy being squicked out by the kiddie porn. He manages to 
spook a few orcs by positioning himself so they can only see 
his big shadow and then grunting and growling and waving his 
sword. Then he steps out in the open and they see that he’s 
actually a three-foot-tall fat guy. Well, that didn’t do much 
good. There’s a fight and, against all logic, Sam wins. He 
runs to the ToD:PD. 

And we’re back to the BDSM kiddie porn. Ew. Frodo apparently 
thinks he’s alone now because he starts squirming and grunting 
and tugging at his bonds. He jumps – and probably pees himself 
– when a nearby orc tells him to knock it off. The orc goes to 
skewer him with a sword, but stops suddenly, gasping as 
another sword plunges into his back and erupts from his chest. 
It’s Sam. Wow. What a surprising and original plot 
development! I totally didn’t see that one coming! Glug glug 
glug. That was sarcasm, by the way. Frodo whimpers an apology 
to Sam and Sam unties him.
   [Chrissy opens her mouth to comment and is immediately cut 
    off]
   Diandra: Say anything about Sam “taking advantage” of the 
    situation and I swear I will hurt you!
   Chrissy: (blinks “innocently”) What makes you think I was 
    going to say that?

Frodo says it’s all over because the orcs took the ring from 
him. Oh, as if. We’ve still got another hour to go here 
already. We don’t need an additional hour of them playing 
Capture the Ring. Sam says no, they didn’t and pulls the ring 
from his pocket. How? When? What? “I thought I lost you,” Sam 
explains. “So I took it...for safe keepin’.” Um...okay, but 
how? And when? And...oh, fuck it. Glug glug glug. There’s a 
bizarre moment where Frodo tries to get him to give the ring 
back and Sam hesitates for, like, five hours before sort of 
reluctantly handing it over. Frodo snatches it and puts it on. 
“[It’s] my burden,” he says. “It will destroy you, Sam.” And 
what about Frodo? I mean, we’ve never really gotten a good 
explanation as to why he’s the only person who *hasn’t* been 
corrupted by the blasted thing. Is he immune somehow? 

They disguise themselves by putting on some orc armor that was 
apparently just lying around and walk right out into the City 
of Doom and Destruction. I won’t even bother pointing out that 
the orcs are at least twice their size and therefore the 
likelihood of them finding armor that fits perfectly is pretty 
nil. Oh, I just did, didn’t I? Oh, well. They pause on some 
sort of ridge overlooking a sea of tents. Frodo whines that 
there’s too many of “them” and they’ll never make it through 
unnoticed. Then he follows a beam of light to the tower it’s 
shining from and gasps “it’s him.” It’s the Great Flaming 
Vagina/Cat Eye of Doom!

“Frodo has passed beyond my sight,” Gandalf declares. Blah di 
blah blah. “Behind the walls of Mordor our enemy is 
regrouping.” Gimli asks why they should care. Huh? What kind 
of question is that? I think I’m lost again... Because 10,000 
orcs are standing between Frodo and Mount Doom where he can 
finally get rid of the damn ring, that’s why. Aragorn says 
Frodo will need time and a “safe passage” to the ToD:PD and he 
thinks they can help with that by marching right up to the 
black gate and inviting the orcs to come out and play. Eomer 
argues that they can’t win that sort of fight as they are 
vastly outnumbered. Aragorn says no, but they can at least 
keep Sauron (aka The Cat Eye of Doom) busy while Frodo 
destroys the ring. “A distraction,” Legolas declares. No, 
Aragorn is just feeling suicidal all of the sudden. YES, IT’S 
A DISTRACTION! Grumble. Okay, I’m willing to overlook this 
little moment of lamebrained obviousness in light of that 
whole swinging-around-on-a-giant-elephant scene earlier and 
the fact that he’s annoyed me less in this movie than he has 
in the previous two. Otherwise, I’d be threatening to jump 
through the screen and strangle him right about now. Gimli 
looks thoughtful. “Certainty of death...*small* chance of 
success...what’re we waitin’ for?” Heh. 

So the entire remaining fellowship – minus Frodo and Sam – 
march toward the gate with whatever is remaining of Cap. 
Smith’s army. Frodo and Sam watch as the orcs abandon their 
camp and march out to meet them.  “Some luck at last,” Sam 
mutters. Oh, it’s not luck, sweetie. You do remember there 
were nine of you when you began the Longest Trip Ever, right? 
They all gave their vow to help Frodo destroy the ring in 
whatever way possible? Oh, forget it, I’m not even making 
sense to myself anymore. More marching. Frodo and Sam take a 
rest stop and Frodo runs out of drinking water. Sam offers him 
his. Frodo says they won’t have enough for the trip home. “I 
don’t think there will be a return journey, Mr. Frodo,” Sam 
says. Finally, he catches on. They stagger across the barren 
wasteland toward the tower and the CEoD snaps in their 
direction. Sam screams “get down!” Frodo looks right at the 
eye and faints in slow motion. Oh, the (melo)drama!

Back with the kamikaze troop. Aragorn shouts “let the lord of 
the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!” 
Yeah, that’ll work. Oh, look at that, it did. It’s official. 
The bad guys have the combined intelligence of a fruit fly. 
The gates open and the CEoD turns in their direction.

Sam tries to get Frodo up and informs him that the Cat Eye is 
gone! Something must have distracted it! Gee, I wonder what?

Aragorn gives a little pep talk to the kamikaze troop. Blah 
blah hot air and flashiness. If you’ll excuse me, I’m just 
going to take a little nap here. Wake me when something 
interesting happens. [Chrissy’s elbow jabs into Diandra’s 
ribs] Ow! Okay, okay...

Frodo drags himself up the hill a ways and passes out again. I 
hope the kamikaze troop can stall the bad guys for a long time 
because this could take for-freakin’-ever. 

The good guys form a circle, which is then completely 
surrounded by the bad guys. Gimli grumbles that he never 
thought he would die fighting beside an *elf*. Legolas asks if 
he could die fighting beside a *friend*, then. Gimli blinks up 
at him and husks “aye, I could do that.” They share a tearful 
hug, but the damn camera cuts away before we actually see it.

Sam cradles Frodo and babbles on and on about the Shire. He 
begs Frodo to get up and fight damnit! Oy, the clichés. Then 
Sam says he can’t carry the ring, “but I can carry you!” He 
picks up Frodo and staggers up the hill while Howard Shore 
ratchets up the overdramatic music until the musicians fingers 
cramp up and/or their faces turn blue.

Aragorn steps in front of the others in dramatic slow-mo. “For 
Frodo,” he says. Then he turns and charges at the orcs in slow 
motion, his cape fluttering behind him. It’s actually a really 
cool moment. Really. No, I mean it. Seriously. Oh, shut up.
   Chrissy: Who are you talking to?
   Diandra: What? Oh, you’re still here? (downs the rest of 
    her bottle of Bailey’s)
   Chrissy: You know, I don’t think I like you when you’re 
    drunk.
   Diandra: I’m not (hic) drunk you hobbit lover.
   Chrissy: Elf fancier.
   Diandra: Oh, blow me. I’m not the one who was nearly 
    leaving tongue prints on the television!
   [long pause with mutual glaring]
   Diandra: Chris?
   Chrissy: What?
   Diandra: I love you.
   Chrissy: Oh, lord...

Sam staggers up to a “doorway” and says “we’re almost there”. 
So of course, this is Gollum’s cue to make his reappearance, 
creating one more obstacle to keep them from just getting it 
over with already. He tackles them and tries to strangle 
Frodo. Sam hits him in the head with a rock and they fight. 
Gollum bangs Sam’s head on another rock and bites his neck. 
Sam slashes at Gollum with his sword and pauses as he notices 
Frodo running up the hill all by himself. 

Battle sequence #1,286. The flying dinosaurs arrive and 
descend on the brawling armies. One is flying toward Gandalf 
when a giant eagle appears out of nowhere and smacks into it. 
I would complain about how this is a total cop-out in story 
telling, but I’m sure some Tolkein fanatic would send me an e-
mail that says something along the lines of “that came 
directly from the book, you ignorant buffoon! Auta miqula 
orqu!” Pippin looks up and shouts excitedly, “the eagles are 
coming!”
   Diandra: THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
   Chrissy: That’s it. You’re not allowed to drink while 
    you’re doing recaps anymore.

Sam follows Frodo through the doorway and finds him standing 
at the edge of the same cliff Elrond was standing on 3,000 
years ago when he tried to get Isildur to dump the ring, 
staring at the molten lava below in fascination. Frodo takes 
the ring off and holds it over the edge. I take a shower, have 
lunch, check my e-mail, take a walk around the block and come 
back to find him still standing there, staring at the ring. 
For God’s sake JUST THROW IT ALREADY! “What’re you waiting 
for,” Sam asks. Ah, Sam. The voice of reason and sanity. I 
love him. Frodo just stares at the ring like it’s swinging 
back and forth and a voice is saying “you’re getting 
veeeeeeerrrrrry sleeeeeeeepy.” Then he turns to Sam with a 
mildly psychotic look in his eyes and says “the ring is mine.” 
Oh, for the love of goddess. He schleped the damn thing all 
the freaking way across New Zealand without being corrupted by 
it, only to give in at the last second? The clichés are 
running amok here, people! He puts the ring on and disappears. 
“Noooooooo,” Sam shrieks. The CEoD hears this (don’t ask how a 
giant eyeball can “hear” anything. Just don’t.) and turns to 
the doorway they went through. The pterodactyls abandon the 
battle at the gate to check on this new development. 

Gollum shows up again and knocks Sam unconscious. He locates 
Frodo by following his footprints (no, I have no idea why he’s 
leaving footprints, especially since the footprints are a 
light color and he’s been covered in dirt for the last hour) 
and jumps on his back. So now we have a special effect on top 
of a special effect – a CGI character wrestling with the 
Invisible ManChild. It’s all so absurd that Chrissy had to 
slap me to stop my insane giggling.

Meanwhile, outside, Aragorn is fighting with an ogre. Gee, do 
you think he’ll die?

Back with the marionette from Hell. Gollum bites something, we 
hear a gawd-awful snapping sound and he tumbles from the 
suddenly visible and screaming Frodo.

Outside. Aragorn falls and Legolas looks distraught. HoYay.

Inside. Frodo is curled up on the ground, clutching his hand, 
which is now gushing blood from the stump that used to be his 
left index finger. EW!
   Chrissy: Should I take over?
   Diandra: Um...actually I have a confession to make. All the 
    blood and gore in these movies doesn’t really bother me 
    all that much. 
   Chrissy: (blink) What?
   Diandra: I used to watch “The X-Files”, dude. This stuff is 
    child’s play by comparison.
   Chrissy: But...the decapitating...and the intestines...
   Diandra: Were disgusting, but after you’ve seen Robert 
    Patrick pull a giant, slimy slug out of Gillian Anderson’s 
    neck that sort of thing really doesn’t bother you anymore.
   Chrissy: So why were you pretending it did?
   Diandra: I was bored. I needed to do *something* to amuse 
    myself. And the flying intestines did gross me out a 
    little.
We get a *long* moment of Gollum staring at the ring like it’s 
the Holy Grail.

Back to the battle. Aragorn rolls over to see the ogre 
lumbering toward him again in slow motion. Howard Shore drags 
out the mournful, wailing singer. Legolas freaks the hell out, 
clawing at the orcs that are holding him back (no, I don’t 
know why they’re doing that) like a crazed person, trying to 
get to Aragorn. I’m sure even the most heterosexist of viewers 
– the ones who think Aragorn and Arwen are THE couple despite 
the fact that they’ve had a grand total of maybe two scenes 
together and barely create enough sparks to light a match – 
will agree with me when I say HOYAY! 

Back with the mission that just won’t freaking end. Frodo 
looks up from his bloody stump to see Gollum doing a happy 
dance at the end of the cliff. He staggers over and they 
wrestle some more.

Outside, Aragorn is pinned to the ground by the ogre’s giant 
foot, which he stabs. Legolas is still frantically trying to 
run to his lover’s rescue. Here’s a question: why aren’t the 
bad guys taking advantage of the fact that his guard is down? 
It would be so easy for them to just turn him into an elf-
kebob right now while he’s distracted by his lover’s peril, 
why are they just holding him back? Moreover, I’m starting to 
notice a disturbing trend in that this is the second movie 
I’ve seen where Orlando spends the majority of a scene 
surrounded by guys who are pawing at him like a bunch of 
hornballs with a cheep hooker. I mean, I know he’s pretty, but 
seriously. Not that I’m comparing him to a prostitute or 
implying anything about his sex life or anything. Just making 
an observation. And I would like to apologize if I sound like 
I’m being overly critical or mean toward him at times. It’s 
just that his character seems to get all the annoying and 
unnecessary lines in the movie. I like Orlando, really! He’s a 
good actor, it’s just that...
   Chrissy: Oh, for God’s sake, would you get back to the 
    recap before I’m old and gray over here?
Oh...sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Back with the Lollipop Guild. Frodo and Gollum fall over the 
edge of the cliff. Gee, do you think Frodo will die? Gollum 
clutches the ring the whole way down and is swallowed by the 
lava. The ring just floats. Oh, come on. Do we have to drag 
this out too? Sam finds Frodo clinging to the edge of the 
cliff and shouts “give me your hand!” I feel like I am knee-
deep in cheese and corn over here, if you know what I mean. 
And you probably don’t because that was a really stupid joke. 
Frodo grabs for Sam’s hand and misses. “Don’t you let go,” Sam 
gruffs. OY, THE CLICHÉS! I seriously think it’s a testament to 
the overall acting ability of the cast that they are able to 
keep straight faces throughout this third movie because some 
of this dialogue is just so corny that it’s beneath them. 
Frodo grabs Sam’s hand and the ring finally melts. Well, 
hallelujah. It’s about damn time!

The CEoD begins convulsing...as much as a giant eyeball can 
“convulse” anyway. The ogre sees this and gives up his 
attempts to kill Aragorn (something that would seem 
increasingly impossible) and takes off like a bat out of Hell. 
Legolas has apparently given up trying to save his lover 
because now he’s just standing there, showing no signs of his 
earlier distress and being hindered by no one, watching the 
CEoD while his long blond hair flutters prettily. Everyone 
stops fighting to watch as the Tower of Doom: Part Deux – the 
Cat Eye perched on top of it – crashes in slow motion. Yes, 
it’s really cool. It’s also completely gratuitous. Gandalf 
gets all teary-eyed. Legolas runs to Aragorn and showers him 
with kisses of relief. Okay, maybe not. The eye implodes, 
creating a shock wave that blows the collapsing tower sideways 
and sweeps all the way out over the armies at the gate. Merry 
starts cheering and the rest of the Fellowship grins proudly. 
Orcs flee as the ground starts crumbling. All of Mordor 
crumbles into a pit of lava but the destruction naturally 
stops just short of where the good guys are standing. And yes, 
I am rolling my eyes right now. Merry stops cheering, Pippin 
starts crying and everyone else looks worried.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam run out the door just ahead of the 
lava flow and take refuge on a rock as everything falls apart 
around them. “It’s gone,” Frodo mutters. Yeah, I hope so. 
“It’s done.” “It’s over now,” Sam agrees. Oh, stop teasing me. 
Frodo flops down and starts babbling about being able to “see” 
the Shire. Oh, please don’t let this be another long, drawn 
out death scene or I will send a small army of dogs to 
redecorate Peter Jackson’s lawn. Sam starts babbling about 
some girl named “Rosie” and how much he wanted to marry her. 
He cries. Frodo hugs him and says he’s glad Sam is here with 
him “at the end of all things”. They cuddle and the screen 
goes black. That’s it? Well, that was a pretty abrupt ending, 
but I guess...oh, we’re not done yet.

We fade back in on fire and lava and general destruction. A 
couple eagles fly up, Gandalf on the back of one, pick up the 
semi-conscious Frodo and Sam and fly off. Okay that was better 
I gue...oh, we’re still not done.

Shift to Frodo lying in bed, surrounded by golden light. This 
is Heaven. Sam enters, naked and covered in honey. Ew, I just 
grossed myself out. Not because I have anything against pudgy 
people, I just...Elijah Wood...kiddie porn...[shiver]. 
Actually, Frodo’s back where he was before he started the 
Longest Trip Ever (approximately 15 hours ago) and Gandalf is 
sitting on the bed, staring at him. They stare at each other 
for about twenty minutes and then Gandalf starts laughing. 
Frodo joins him and they both laugh for another ten minutes. I 
start laughing along with them because, frankly, recapping a 
nine-hour movie has pretty much robbed me of most of my 
remaining sanity. The Comic Relief twins stumble into the room 
and pounce on Frodo. Hugs and noogies ensue. Gimli enters the 
room, followed closely by Legolas and Aragorn. They stand by 
the bed, Gimli laughing and the other two smiling like proud 
parents...kissing and groping. Oh, get a room guys. Finally, 
Sam appears in the doorway. He and Frodo stare at each 
other...
   Chrissy: Lustfully.
   Diandra: LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!
...for about five minutes, silently, before Sam finally cracks 
a small smile and the screen goes black.

Wait a minute! We’re not done yet! Sit your ass back down! 
Sit! Don’t make me come over there! Aragorn is crowned King of 
Gondor. By Gandalf. No, I don’t know how Gandalf has the 
authority to do this, so don’t ask. “Now come the days of the 
king,” he declares. And it all went downhill from there, 
didn’t it? Whenever “there” was because after nine hours I 
still don’t have a freaking clue what time period this story 
is supposed to take place in. I’m sure the idea is that it 
could take place at any time and all elements of the story can 
be interpreted differently to fit any situation because 
everything is a metaphor for something else, but it’s 
frustrating the crap out of me. I mean, Romeo and Juliet is 
timeless, but there’s usually some sort of definite reference 
to some time period in its interpretations. Anyway. 

Aragorn takes a deep breath, turns to the cheering crowd and 
says “this day does not belong to one man, but to all. Let us 
together rebuild this world so that gjaiopweuvhnwzgibow;
   Chrissy: DIANDRA!
   Diandra: (snaps awake with a startled snort) Oh, sorry. 
There’s something about the way Viggo talks that has a 
tendency to put me to sleep. Not that he’s boring or anything. 
He just has this low, soothing voice and often mumbles and/or 
talks at the speed of a glacial flow. Two minutes of listening 
to him and my eyes start to droop. The crowd throws flower 
petals. Then he starts singing. In Elvish, I think. I was 
originally going to say something along the lines of “don’t 
quit your day job, Viggo,” or “my ears are bleeding”, but then 
I saw Hidalgo and realized he actually has a pretty decent 
voice. So I’ve decided that the problem is the register of 
this song, which is almost completely out of his range. It 
reminds me of what I sound like when I try to sing bass.
   Chrissy: Don’t you mean tenor?
   Diandra: No, I mean bass. I have a deep voice. 
   Chrissy: Um...okay...(drags chair several inches away from 
    Diandra)

Aragorn walks down the aisle in the center of the crowd and 
stops when Legolas approaches, completely dressed in white and 
wearing a tiara on his head. For a second, I wonder if maybe 
this is some sort of wedding ceremony as well as a coronation. 
Alas, it isn’t. Damnit. Aragorn thanks him again. Legolas 
smiles shyly and looks at the ground and might have blushed if 
elves had any facial coloring aside from large, mysterious 
bruises that suddenly appear on their foreheads and magically 
disappear once a battle is over. Or maybe that’s just him. And 
his eyes might be brown again, but I’m not sure. Actually, the 
only time I’m absolutely sure his eyes were brown is during 
the Council of Elrond scene in the first movie. If those were 
blue, then I’m the Queen of Scotland.

Aragorn is distracted when he sees Arwen in the crowd, 
standing next to Daddy Elrond and half-hiding behind a flag. 
Aragorn brushes past Legolas and Daddy Elrond tearfully gives 
Arwen a little nudge, a wonderfully fatherly look on his face. 
Aragorn takes the flag from her and attacks her lips like they 
are a prime cut of beef and he hasn’t eaten in weeks. The 
extras applaud. Elrond smiles proudly. Legolas bursts into 
tears and runs off to mourn the loss of his lover. I assume.

The “happy couple” continue walking through the crowd and come 
upon the hobbits. The foursome go to bow to Aragorn, but he 
stops them. “You bow to no one,” he protests. Then *he* bows 
to *them*. Everyone else sees this and quickly follows suit, 
not even wondering why a *king* would be bowing to these 
short, hairy creatures that – for all intents and purposes – 
look like children. The hobbits watch all this, shell shocked.

“And thus it was,” Madame Exposition concludes. “A fourth age 
of Middle Earth began and the Fellowship of the Ring that were 
eternally bound by friendship and love [wink, wink] was ended. 
Thirteen months to the day since Gandalf sent us on our long 
journey...” Oops. I guess that’s Frodo talking, not 
Cate/Madame Exposition. My bad. They sound a lot alike. Now, 
this scene could have been a nice conclusion to the trilogy – 
ending right back where we started – but nooooo.

The hairy wonderboys sit alone at a table in the pub back at 
the Shire, staring at each other silently. If you listen 
closely, you can almost hear Peter Jackson talking about the 
parallels to soldiers coming home from World War One in the 
background. I could say more about that, but this recap is 25 
pages long already and I’m starting to feel the early symptoms 
of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, so I won’t. But I think the problem 
could also be that they just don’t remember how to socialize 
with their own people after spending the last year (or 
whatever it was) with a couple scraggly humans, a poncy elf 
and a hairy dwarf. Maybe. Discuss that amongst yourselves.

Sam marries Rosie. Pippin catches the bouquet and waggles his 
eyebrows at the person next to him, who, sadly, is not Merry.

Frodo wanders around his house and whines in voice over about 
not knowing how to go back to his old life after everything 
that’s happened. Diandra appears behind him, brandishing a 
pistol and shrieking “I have a solution!” Chrissy appears 
beside her and drags her away, apologizing profusely. 

Frodo is writing in a diary or something when Sam enters 
(without knocking, I might add) and asks what’s wrong. I 
assume he’s asking why Frodo is moping about whining about his 
life.
   Chrissy: Because you ran off with some floozy of a barmaid, 
    you heartbreaker!
   [Diandra throws the remote at Chrissy]
Frodo says something about it being four years ago that 
something something and “it’s never really healed. Wait, four 
years? Since the ring was destroyed or since these movies 
began? Because I’ve certainly aged a lot more than that since 
I started these recaps. Sam reads the cover of the 
manuscript/diary in front of Frodo. “’There and Back Again: A 
Hobbit’s Tale, by Bilbo Baggins’...’The Lord of the Rings, by 
Frodo Baggins’...you finished it.” Frodo says not really, 
“there’s still room for a little more.” I get the feeling the 
writers had this same conversation when they were working on 
the script for this movie.

So blah blah apparently the elves have saved Bilbo a seat on 
the “last ship to leave Middle Earth.” Whatever. I lost 
interest about three scenes ago. Can somebody explain to me 
how Bilbo could have aged, like, twenty years throughout the 
course of these movies when everybody else looks like they 
haven’t aged a day? I’ll just take that as a shout out to 
people like me who feel as if they’ve grown old just trying to 
get through these movies. Bilbo asks if Frodo still has the 
ring he gave him. Frodo visibly stiffens. “I’m afraid I lost 
it.” He says this so unconvincingly that the fact that Bilbo 
believes him suggests to me that he’s grown incredibly dense 
in his old age.

Fast forward. Bilbo gets on the boat with Elrond and Cate. 
Gandalf yammers on and on about...something and then says 
“it’s time, Frodo.” The rest of the hairy wonderboys looks to 
him for an explanation. “We set out to save the Shire,” Frodo 
says. “And it has been saved...but not for me.” If anybody 
knows what the hell *that’s* supposed to mean, then...well, 
don’t bother explaining it to me because I don’t care. Sam and 
the Comic Relief Twins start blubbering. Frodo gives Sam the 
manuscript and says the last pages are for him. Teary-eyed 
hugs all around. Sam gets this expression that says “hey, 
what’s poking me?” when Frodo hugs him. Ug. I can’t believe I 
just wrote that.
   Chrissy: Welcome to the Dark Side. Mwahahahahaha.
   [Diandra curls into a ball and whimpers]
Frodo gives Sam a *long* kiss on the head.
   Chrissy: No, the other one!
   Diandra: AUGH! Somebody get me a brain scrubber! STAT!
Everybody stares at each other. Frodo gets on the boat with 
Gandalf and they stare some more. And we fade out.

So I guess we’re finally at the review portion of this recap. 
You know, as much as I’ve complained throughout these movies, 
they’ve kind of grown on me...
   Chrissy: Diandra?
   Diandra: What?
   Chrissy: The movie’s not over yet.
   Diandra: Oh, you have gotta be kidding me. (groan)

Sam arrives at what is presumably the house he shares with his 
barmaid wife. A little girl runs outside and into his arms. 
She looks more than four years old, but at least she looks 
like she could pass for Sean Astin’s daughter because...well, 
she *is* his daughter. “My dear Sam,” Frodo voice-overs. He 
blathers on for a while, but I can’t understand much of what 
he’s saying and I don’t really care enough to try. Rosie 
appears in the doorway, holding an infant in her arms and 
smiling happily. Looks like someone’s been busy the last four 
years. “Your part in this story will go on,” Frodo mercifully 
concludes. Sam looks around and pauses for a moment to ensure 
the dramatic “hero’s final words” status of this next line. 
“I’m back,” he says. Then they go inside and close the door, 
accompanied by a pretty flute and a few dramatic strings 
courtesy of Howard Shore.

Then we cut to Legolas, sitting in front of a mirror, brushing 
his pretty blond hair and looking depressed. Aragorn enters 
and Legolas jumps to his feet, gasping in surprise. “Did you 
really think I would leave you,” Aragorn asks, amused. “But,” 
Legolas splutters. “Arwen...the Evenstar...” Aragorn cuts him 
off by kissing him so fiercely I half expect to see blood. 
Legolas grabs Aragorn by the shoulders and...
   Chrissy: Would you knock it off already?
   Diandra: What?
   Chrissy: Everybody knows you’re making this up.
   Diandra: (innocently) Why, whatever do you mean?
   Chrissy: Well, for one thing, you’ve been doing this since 
    the beginning of the first movie, and for another, the 
    credits have been rolling for the last five minutes.
   Diandra: Oh. Yeah. Never mind then.

Okay, so this is the point when I would normally give my final 
thoughts on the movie and my general review of it. However, I 
just finished recapping a nine-hour-movie, so I’m just going 
to skip it. If you really want to know my opinion, scroll back 
a couple of paragraphs. That said, I’m out of here.

~Diandra