"Friends": episode 4x08 "The One With Chandler in a Box" Staring: Jennifer Aniston as Rachel, Courteney Cox (pre-David Arquette) as Monica, Lisa Kudrow as Phoebe, Matt LeBlanc as Joey, Matthew Perry as Chandler and David Schwimmer as Ross Guest staring: the spirit of Tom Selleck as Richard Burke and Michael Vartan as Tim "Ally McBeal": episode 4x03 "Two's a Crowd" and episode 4x04 "Without a Net" (11/2000) Staring: Calista Flockhart as Ally, Robert Downey Jr. as Larry, Portia de Rossi as Nell (Blondie), Greg Germann as Richard, James LeGros as Mark, Jane Krakowski as "Elaine", Lucy Liu as "Ling" (Lucy), Lisa Nicole Carson as Renee and Peter MacNicol as John Guest staring: William Russ as (Old Fart) Michael, Michael Vartan as Jonathan (yes, that will probably confuse the crap out of me), Lisa Edelstein as Cindy, Jill Holden as Clueless Wanda (The Sucker), Jami Gertz as Kimmy and Florence Henderson as Dr. Shirley (aka Dr. Quack) I am combining these two Michael Vartan guest spots...well, for reasons of convenience partly, but also for reasons that will become clear later in the recap. Note: I watched every episode of "Friends" from the time it began in 1994 all the way to the series finale, but I have never had any interest in watching "Ally McBeal" until I discovered Michael did a guest spot. Does that make me shallow? Oh, well. My point is, while I know the characters and their overarching storylines backward and forward on "Friends", I am totally clueless when it comes to "Ally". Bear with me. Previously on "Friends": Chandler appropriated Joey's girlfriend and Joey found out about it and Monica dated Tom Selleck (aka Richard). Thanksgiving day, 1997. We're in Monica's apartment, so you know there's going to be a lot of screaming and spazzing in the near future. Chandler swaggers in, bitching and groaning about turkey and giving thanks and yeeeeccccchhhh. "Look everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving," Phoebe chirps. Rachel asks if things are still going badly on the Joey front. Chandler says he spent eight hours trying to get him on the phone last night. Rachel unsubtley concludes that he could probably use one of those plug-in headsets for his phone. Ross asks if they can all expect their gifts from her to be stolen office supplies. Ross? It's Rachel. Would it really be all that surprising? She snarks that he shouldn't because this episode apparently took place during one of their "off-again" jags. I'm not certain, though, as I lost track a long time ago. Phoebe suggests they do a Secret Santa and Ross corrects her grammar because he's a dork. Moving on. Sometime later, the gang is watching the Macy's parade when Rachel yawns and announces that she's going to take a nap because turkey makes her sleepy. Monica points out that they haven't actually eaten yet. Heh. Rachel makes some half-ass excuse about how it must be all the work Monica is putting into it and blah blah trailing off as she disappears into her room and shuts the door. Chandler takes this opportunity to ask who got Rachel for Secret Santa because he wants to trade. Phoebe jumps up and says "oooo, thank GOD you want her." Yeah, that's subtle. Chandler asks why. Phoebe says Rachel exchanges everything you get her and it's impossible to get her anything she likes and here you go, have fun! Chandler protests that he got her that backpack once and she loved it...right up until the moment that big dog ran off with it and there was no dog, was there? No, there wasn't dinkus. He says this sucks because he already got her a briefcase with her initials on it. Monica points out that Ross has the same initials. Chandler says yeah, but it's kind of a girly briefcase. Have you *met* Ross, Chandler? Monica points out that it shouldn't be a problem and turns to de-ice the freezer. Why she is doing this now, on a major holiday that requires a lot of preparation is a mystery to me, but then again, so are most of the things she does. Chandler loudly asks what time it is and whether the game is on yet. Phoebe points out that Ross and Joey aren't there so he doesn't have to do that. He can watch the parade. Ah, yes. One of the reasons I love Chandler. Just then Monica mutters a slew of FCC-approved curses, jabs at a chunk of freezer ice and recoils, squawking and clutching her right eye. Rachel sticks her head out to whine that she can't sleep with all this noise, then realizes that Monica's actually in pain here and decides to make an effort at being more helpful and supportive. Phoebe asks if Monica can open her eye. Monica says no. Chandler suggests putting ice on it and she manages to glare at him while wincing. Heh. Rachel suggests taking her to the doctor and Monica says she can't because her eye doctor is Richard and she can't see him right now because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Chandler smartasses that he must have some pretty strict requirements. No, it's just that Monica's relational maturity has apparently not developed past high school. Phoebe picks up the phone and calls his office, telling the receptionist she's calling on behalf of "Monica Geller's eye" and is Richard Burke in today by any chance? She gives the receptionist approximately two seconds to respond before relaying to Monica that he's out of town, but she can see the on-call doctor instead. "Yes," Monica sighs in relief and Phoebe yelps that she's "very excited about that". Later, Phoebe has taken over kitchen duty while Monica is away. Is that really a good idea? I mean, assuming she would like all of her limbs to remain firmly attached to her body? Ross hovers nearby and reminds her that Monica said she should follow the recipe *exactly* and Phoebe snaps at him to get out of her kitchen. Um, Phoebs? Considering that Monica would probably claim screwing up her Thanksgiving dinner as grounds for justifiable homicide, you might want to take his advice. Chandler bursts in to announce that he's making progress with Joey because even though he still went into his room the last time Chandler entered their apartment, he only slammed the door once. "I mean, yeah, he did give me the finger while he was doing it..." Heh. Drama queen. Phoebe scampers from the room suddenly with cell phone in hand, claiming she needs to ask her mother a "left-handed cooking question". Yeah, that screams "plot device", but it's so Phoebe that I won't complain. Ross brushes it off and asks Chandler if he wants to switch Secret Santas because he's already getting Monica a Hanukkah present. Cheapskate. And if everybody knows who everybody else picked then what is the point of doing a Secret Santa? Chandler says he was actually trying to trade for Ross. Ross asks what Chandler was thinking of getting him. Chandler says, oh, I don't know "RG, I was thinking something girly for your office". Once again, subtle. Ross says he'll just try Phoebe then. Chandler warns him that he'll get Rachel if he does that and she exchanges everything. Ross scoffs that she does not. She never exchanged that necklace he gave her last year. Chandler asks when he last saw her wearing it. Ross says, well, she wore it all Christmas Day...and then trails off as realization finally dawns on yonder numskull. "Big dog," Chandler asks. Heh. Ross goes across the hall to the Apartment of Testosterone to find Joey packing up "all the stuff Chandler bought out of guilt." Except for the TV, of course, because you'd need tranquilizers and the Jaws of Life to pry a guy away from a perfectly good big screen TV. Ross pleads with Joey to at least hear Chandler out. Joey asks if he would have done the same had Chandler kissed Rachel back when R & R were "on- again". Ross admits that he has a point, but asks how long Joey intends to punish Chandler. "Five years," Joey replies without even blinking. "You've sentenced him," Ross asks in disbelief. Again, Ross, are you really surprised? "Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time," Joey says. Okay, now I’m picturing Joey as a cop and, while he may not be quite as stupid as Michael Kelso, it's still a really disturbing thought. Joey points out that with Chandler out of the way, Ross is next in line for the title of Joey's Best Friend. I thought that title went to Little Joey. I'll pretend I didn't just say that. Ross plays along and says his first act as best friend is going to be getting Joey to talk to Chandler. "All right," Joey sighs. "But if you weren't my best friend..." Yeah, we get it. These people are all stuck in junior high. Central Perk. Sniffle. Y'know, I got to see the "Friends" set on a tour of Warner Brothers but it was just after they had filmed Chandler and Monica's wedding so they had replaced the interior set of Central Perk with the wedding chapel set, so I never got to see what it looked like in person. I feel like I missed out on something, although I did see the sets for both the Apartment of Testosterone and the Apartment of Estrogen and Neuroses and I got to see what the chapel would look like a month before the episode aired. Anyway. Chandler is whining to the Friendship Wrecker Girlfriend about his Joey problems. "He won't even talk to me...just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words." Well, of course. Those are the best ones to learn. Va te faire foutre! Joey, as all sitcom characters, has impeccable timing as he chooses this moment to saunter into the cafι and ask Gunther the Creepy Barista if he's seen Chandler. Gunther, who is pretty much unaware of the existence of anyone who is not Rachel, says "I thought you were Chandler." Then he shrugs and points to the table Joey walked past on his way in, where Chandler and FWG are kissing and holding hands. Chandler opens his mouth to lamely apologize (I'm assuming), but Joey just tells him, in Italian, to go fuck himself. No, I don't know the actual translation, but I like to imagine it's possible to get stuff like that on the air if it's in a foreign language because the FCC wouldn't know what the hell it means. Heh. Office of Dr. Dick. Sorry. Every time I see the words "Doctor" and "Richard" in close proximity I have flashbacks to "Cybil". Anywho. Monica and Rachel are sitting alone in the waiting room, presumably because most people in this situation would go to the emergency room instead of making an appointment with a specialist whose office would likely be closed on a national holiday and I just realized how contrived this plot is. Sheesh. Michael Vartan stumbles in, mutters something to the receptionist and ducks behind a door, presumably into an exam room. Oy. I remember watching this episode back when it first aired, but I don't remember noticing just how awkward Michael was in it. Of course, I had no idea who he was at the time so I didn't really know what he looks like "normally". Monica stares after him, a giant puddle of drool forming around her, and says "how cute is the on-call doctor?" "So cute that I'm thinking of jamming this pen in my eye," Rachel purrs, staring after him hungrily. At this point, a decade ago, I was thinking: "meh. He's okay looking." Of course, I was, like, ten at the time, but I actually stand by my assessment because damn is he a lot hotter now than he was ten years ago. Rowr. Ahem. Sorry. Hairball. The receptionist hears her cue and announces that "Dr. Burke" will see Monica now. Um, no, Monica sputters, he's out of town. I'm here to see the hot guy...I mean the on-call doctor. The receptionist patiently explains that yes, *Richard* Burke is out of town but his son *Timothy* Burke *is* the on-call doctor and he will be seeing her now. The live studio audience cackles in delight. "Tim" comes back in the room, now wearing a white lab coat, and chirps "ready?" Heh. Monica looks dazedly at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs-up, an amused smile on her face. We leave the oncoming train wreck behind for the moment and go back to Joey and Chandler's Apartment of Testosterone. Chandler enters, his apology two steps ahead of him, and falters when he sees Joey with a packed bag, zipping up his jacket. Joey explains that he's going to his "folks" place and maybe he'll just stay there while he looks for a new apartment because they obviously can't work this out. You haven't even tried, bud. Chandler asks if Joey wants him to stop seeing FWG, but Joey says it's not about her, it's about what Chandler did and he doesn't want to live with someone who doesn't know the meaning of friendship. Chandler proceeds to snatch his bag away and practically crawl on the floor begging for forgiveness. Then he pulls the married couple card and tells him to at least stay for the duck and chick, who choose this moment to waddle into the room, wings flapping and pecking the carpet in search of food, respectively. Chandler says they've had a difficult year what with the robbery and all. This reminds Joey of the episode where he stupidly let some guy lock him in the entertainment center and rob them blind. He says he spent the whole time in there thinking about how he'd let Chandler down, but if he'd known Chandler would turn into a girlfriend-stealing jerk, he would have done something else. Like what? Hum a couple rounds of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Wonder whether or not he could fit a quarter up his nose? Chandler stupidly says that if they still had the entertainment unit, he'd sit in it for six hours and think about how he let Joey down. Joey perks up and announces "we have a box". Here we go... Commercials. Wow, I almost forgot about "10-8". That show lasted all of, what, six episodes? Optometrists Office of Shameless Flirting. Tim blithers a bunch of character exposition while he checks out Monica's eye. He says he remembers seeing her the day he left for college and she was standing outside the Dairy Queen, waiting for it to open. Yes, because god forbid we talk about Monica's youth without reminding everybody of how fat she was. He says she looks great now. :::grumble:::typicalman:::grumble::: Monica does her best impression of a blushing schoolgirl and says he does too. Yeah, well, wait till you see what he looks like in ten years. Rowrrrrr...ahem. It's that blasted hairball again, I swear! "You're an excellent patient," he twitters in a voice so damn perky it makes me cringe. Then he turns around and Monica very pointedly looks at his ass. "So, how does it look," she asks. It looks like you're headed for some very awkward family reunions, Mon. Tim says she scratched her cornea and she'll have to wear a patch for a couple days. "Like a pirate," she asks. He says yeah, sure, whatever floats your boat. Rim shot. Okay, that was lame. I apologize. Tim flips on the lights and hands her a Kleenex. Monica, whose social skills leave a lot to be desired, asks how long Tim's been working with his father. My guess is he doesn't really as he was never seen before this episode or ever again. Tim stares at some random spot off to the side woodenly. Monica says come on, one of us had to mention him eventually. Yeah, but I'm thinking he was hoping he wouldn't have to think about the fact that the woman he's flirting with has done the horizontal mambo with his father. Tim says he moved to New York City a couple months ago. At least I think that's what he said because there was a tornado warning somewhere in the northern half of Minnesota the night I taped this episode and ABC is never satisfied with just reducing the picture so they can run a warning scroll across the bottom and left sides of the screen and playing a non-invasive beep. No, they have to BLARE AN OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD NOISE EVERY FEW MINUTES, OBLITERATING ENTIRE LINES OF DIALOGUE EVERY TIME A THUNDERSTORM BLOWS THROUGH THE TRISTATE AREA. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Tim goes to get the eye patch. Monica asks if he's got a big family dinner tonight. Didn't we already establish that his father is out of town? Hello? And I'm not certain, but I think I remember Richard mentioning that the mother of his kids was dead. So, really, that question makes no sense whatsoever. Why am I worrying about this? [ETA: I scrolled through a few episode transcripts and found out that Richard's wife did not die, they were divorced. I was also pleasantly surprised to find out that Monica's mother was trying to set Monica up with Tim a season and a half before this episode, so way to go writers for actually paying attention to details! I say "pleasantly surprised" because I fully expected to find out that Richard only had one child and her name was Michelle. Actually, it turned out he *did* have a daughter named Michelle, but he had a previously-unnamed son too.] Tim just waves a bag lunch at her. Okay, A) that's just sad and B) could Michael look any more uncomfortable here? I mean, it's possible it's just my imagination, but he looks the way I would look if I had to give a speech in front of a room full of people. He says he was going to have dinner with his girlfriend... "Oh," Monica says dejectedly. "But we broke up," he finishes. "Oh?" Monica smiles and bats her eyelashes. Try not to act too sympathetic there, Mon. Tim explains that she just wasn't ready to make a serious commitment. I laugh so hard I fall out of my chair and hit my head on the floor, raising a bump the size of a golf ball. After I regain consciousness and determine that I have probably not sustained a concussion I decide that the best course of treatment is the Dave Barry method: drink beer. Unfortunately, I only have one can left, so I won't be able to get myself totally hammered by the time I get to "Ally McBeal", but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Seriously though, has anyone else noticed a pattern with the characters Michael Vartan plays? I mean, aside from the cheating husband and the psychopath pretty much all of them are just a little...too perfect. Gag inducingly perfect. It's depressing really. Just about every one of them has had me sneering at my television screen for trying to make me believe that guys like this actually exist. Hmmm...I think I may have discovered another reason why I don't have a boyfriend. Anyway. So Monica responds to Tim's little confession with a "sympathetic" "ohhhh..." I'm surprised she doesn't offer him a hug and then cop a feel or something. Instead, she makes a lame joke about making the girlfriend "walk the plank" in a cheesy pirate voice. Tim looks at her strangely and points out that she's not actually *wearing* the patch yet. "I know," she mutters, embarrassed. Cut to the Apartment of Obsessive Compulsiveness. We know there's been a time shift because Monica is there, eye patch in place, setting the table. "He's coming *here* for Thanksgiving," Ross segues. Rachel agrees that it's "sick", repeating – for those in the audience just tuning in – that he's Richard's son. "It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner." Except that the likelihood of half the characters ending up dead is pretty slim here. Monica tries a different tact, appealing to Phoebe for help. Phoebe says yeah, um...no, this is just too twisted even for her. Joey emerges from the bathroom and asks what they're talking about. "Me going out with Richard's son," Monica replies. Joey's face screws up and he says "EWWWWWWW! Ew! Ew! Ew!" This from the guy who would jump at the chance to bang a mother-daughter pair in the same night. I'm just saying I don't think he'd be all that discriminate. Chandler's muffled voice drifts from the large crate sitting by the TV. He thinks it's a bad idea. Because if there's one member of this group who is qualified to give relationship advice, it's Chandler. [/sarcasm] Ross points out that if things work out between her and Tim, Monica can tell their kids she slept with grandpa. Oh, okay, ew. And I have to transcribe Monica's line here because it's probably one of her most famous ones: "Fine, judge me all you want but [points to Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler's box in turn] married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!" She stomps into her bedroom while the studio audience cheers. Rachel asks Joey what the meaning of the box is and the following visual gag wherein Chandler explains it to her whilst sticking his fingers through the airhole is both redundant and too difficult to describe so I'll just skip it. Ross then asks Rachel if she still has that necklace he gave her and can he see it? She shoots him a suspicious look and grudgingly goes to "find it". While she's gone we are given a time filler joke involving Ross accidentally putting his hand over Chandler's air hole. Rachel comes back with the necklace, twittering about how much she loves it and waving it around spastically in an obvious attempt to prevent him from actually getting a good look at it. Ross snatches it and points out that it's silver and the necklace he gave her was gold. She lamely suggests that it "changed". Oh, Rach. You could at least try to lie better. Says the person who couldn't lie to save her life. Ahem. Rachel finally admits that she traded his necklace in for store credit. His response is interrupted by a knock at the door of the apartment. Monica comes flying into the room, squealing "I'llgetitI'llgetitI'llgetit." Decaf, lady. Try it. It's Tim, of course, who hands her a bottle of wine. And if there really is a guy this character is based on I would like to know where he is and if he's currently single. Monica introduces him to the visible members of the gang. Chandler clears his throat loudly and Monica introduces him too. Chandler sticks his finger out of the air hole and waves at Tim. Tim's forehead wrinkles in confusion. "What's..." "He's doin' some thinkin'," Joey explains authoritatively. Tim nods, pretending this makes sense. Sometime later Ross, Rachel, Tim and Joey are watching the game. One of the teams scores a goal...or something...I can't tell... and they cheer loudly. Chandler asks what happened. "You kissed my girlfriend," Joey snaps. Then the game goes to commercial and Rachel comments on how much she likes the sunglasses in one of the ads. I seriously don't understand the whole brand-name sunglasses thing. It's like regular glasses – you have to buy them based on how they look on you, not what designer label they carry because some labels, frankly, don't look good on some people. Anyway. "Like 'em, like 'em or 'I'd like to get store credit for that amount' like 'em," Ross asks snarkily. Rachel uses Joey's Italian insult, which I still say translates to "go fuck yourself." Monica announces that dinner is ready and Tim asks where the bathroom is so he can go adjust the stick up his ass. Actually, he says he needs to "wash up", but, you know, whatever. The second he's gone, Monica says "see, he's nice, right?" Phoebe says yeah, but "do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase 'that's not how your dad used to do it'?" I love how the people in sitcoms always talk at full volume about people who are only twenty feet away. I mean, come on, the walls in that apartment can't be *that* thick! Tim returns, stiffly tells Monica that the food looks great and asks where he should sit. Yep, stick still firmly in place. Monica giddily pats the chair next to her. I'm surprised she didn't "accidentally" lose one of the chairs and suggest she sit in his lap or something. "Sicksicksicksicksick," Rachel sing-songs as she pours Monica's wine. Oh, so we're going to do it right in front of him now? Sheesh. There's a loud knock and Phoebe goes to answer the door. "Gotcha," Chandler calls from inside his box. I'm surprised he waited this long to do that. Joey reprimands Chandler. Rachel asks Ross to pass the yams. He says okay, oh and "Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them." Ah, this is bringing back memories of Hollman family get-togethers. Yes, I have a royally screwed up family, but who doesn't? Rachel, frustrated, asks what the hell Ross' problem is. You want the short list or the long one? Monica attempts to dispel the oncoming shitstorm by pointing out that they have company. Like that's ever stopped anyone. Ross ignores Monica and responds that there's nothing wrong because he's not "completely devoid of sentiment." Oh, that was so the wrong thing to say to a woman, Ross. Rachel says fine and storms out of the room while everyone looks at each other uncomfortably and Tim thinks maybe he should have just stuck with his lonely little bag lunch instead of walking into the war zone of the raving loony. The silence is broken by Chandler's muffled voice, announcing that he is trying to break the tension by mooning them. Snort. Joey marches over and tells him if he's not going to take this seriously then he can just forget it. Chandler quickly promises to be good and not talk anymore which, knowing Chandler, is a pretty major sacrifice. This is Rachel's cue to stomp back in the room, armed with a shoebox full of junk. Er...I mean "sentimental nostalgia". She proceeds to show Ross all the crap she's saved, including an eggshell from the first time he made her breakfast in bed and a bone from the museum where they first broke several laws of exposure, public indecency and lewd behavior. She says yes, she might exchange gifts, but she keeps "the things that matter". Okay, I get placing sentimental value in weird things, really, but...um...broken eggshells? Oh, forget it. Ross apologizes, but points out that she wasn't supposed to take the bone because it's museum property. Rachel kindly refrains from beating him over the head with it. Commercials. I don't care if McDonald's makes salads now, I still can't step in one of their restaurants without gagging on the smell of the fryers. Monica's balcony. Monica struggles to put on her sweater (or jacket or something) and Tim helps her. They stare at each other lustfully. At least I assume that's what it's supposed to be. "You have very beautiful...eye," he ventures. She blithers that all her friends think "this" is weird and SHUT UP MONICA! God, can't you just let it *go* and enjoy the company without reminding him (and yourself) that you dated his father? Oh, who am I kidding? Tim admits that he almost chickened out but, yeah, it's really not that weird at all. Monica adds that they are "just two people who find each other...very attractive." I can't tell if she's fishing for a compliment or giving one. He stares at her for a second, then dives in for a kiss that lasts, like, two seconds. Then he moves in to kiss her again and she leans back with an expression on her face like she just ate some bad fish. "What," he asks cluelessly. "Nothing," she says in a way that clearly means "everything." He asks if it wasn't good or something and she says no, it was a *really* good kiss, actually. Really? Because it didn't look like much to me. Then again, I don't have any experience when it comes to such things and I think I'm going to go find a phone number for a local therapist now because judging by the way this recap is going I'm going to need one. Tim recoils, looking like he just ate the same fish, and says "Oh, my god, it didn't remind you of..." "No, don't say it," Monica interrupts. Heh. He says it did, though, didn't it? "Yes," she shrieks. They both freak the hell out, making exaggerated gagging noises and shivering in disgust like a couple kids at the playground who just gave each other cooties. Hee. And hee hee. Five hours later or so, Tim has high-tailed it out of there, but Monica is still shivering intermittently and making grossed-out noises. And in the interest of pacing and not making this a record-long recap, I will switch geers over to Ally McBeal now. If you're a Friends fan, you know how it all turned out. Joey forgave Chandler and gave him and FWG his blessing, the relationship ended anyway and Chandler eventually married Monica and adopted some twins from a woman who may well be more of a space cadet than Phoebe. Ross and Rachel were on-again...and off-again...had a baby and maybe ended up on-again. And Joey moved to California for a spin off show with luke-warm reviews. Okay, so...here we go...ugh. [Beep-boop-bop-boop...ring...ring] Chrissy: Christine Ancsher, Sex Goddess. Diandra: Very funny. Listen, I'm recapping an Ally McBeal two- parter and I ran out of alcohol. Can you come over here and help me out? Chrissy: Two hours of Twiggy McBores-a-lot? Forget it. You're on your own. Diandra: (whining) But Michael Vartan is in it! [pause] Chrissy: Is he that really hot guy from that really boring Noah Wyle movie? Diandra: Uh-huh. [long pause] Chrissy: I'll be right over. Diandra: And bring some alcohol, would you? Chrissy: Way ahead of you. Previously on Twiggy McBores-a-lot: some pretty Latina chick announced that she used to be a man and caused an overblown, two person spit-take. Some guy named Mark started dating her anyway and some other guy named Greg threatened to tell Mark her little "secret". Yeah, like I said, I've never seen this show before. I'm going into this blind, people! It all started with a smile, which is the real root of all evil, Ally informs us in a droning voiceover wherein she actually sounds vaguely bored with herself. We see her discussing legal whatevers with a guy I recognize even though I'm not sure where I've seen him before. The flirting is already running rampant. Voice Over Ally explains that the case they were working on was over and he just seemed so happy "which is unusual for a lawyer". Mark that as the first reference to lawyers generally being humorless, unfeeling scum and hold on to your hats because there's plenty more coming. Oh, and here's a crazy idea, Ally, maybe he's smiling because he's picturing you naked. I mean, you're practically waving your breasts in his face and giggling like a giddy schoolgirl, so I wouldn't exactly blame him. She says she wants to ask him a question. "You have a smile that seems to embrace life. Either you've never married or you'd be a cancer." He says it's funny she should say that because he was married once... but she died...of cancer. Big mouth apologizes and he says it's fine and thanks for the compliment. She finally gets to the question, which is how he can just smile so genuinely like that, "like everything's going to be okay." Yes, she's a lawyer and therefore incapable of normal human emotion. We get it, thanks. He demonstrates closing his eyes and saying, "everything's going to be okay" for her. She stares at him like this is the most fascinating thing ever and voiceovers "I'm not sure why, but I wanted some of what he had inside him." Okay, I'm...not even sure what to say to that except... ew. He asks her to dinner suddenly and she accepts without batting an eye. In her continuing voiceover she calls this "my very first date with an... old... person". Excuse me for a moment. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! [wipes tears from eyes] Oh, man. The irony. Quick, somebody call Harrison Ford! Giggle. Ahem. Credits. Upon third (or fifth or ninth or so) viewing, I've realized that there are several scenes from this very episode in the opening montage. Is that just a coincidence or did they change the montage regularly? Commercials. Get cheap contacts delivered right to your door. Unless, of course, you're like me and need more than a *slight* correction in which case you might as well go to the optometrist. I hear there's a clinic in New York City that never closes. Oh, god I hate that Sierra Mist commercial with that creepy ass dog. Sara Lee makes mustard now? When did that happen? Oh, well, at least the dog in that commercial is cute. Cootchie cootchie do I hear a key in my front door? [Chrissy breezes in, an entire case of beer in hand] Chrissy: What'd I miss? Diandra: [gulping beer] Calista was being a hypocrite. Chrissy: Mmm...shocker. Voice Over of Mumbling Boredom. "They say after breaking up with somebody, a woman will date *anybody*," she declares. Quick, somebody call Jennifer Garner! "They also say that men can pick up on that." That's because they have some sort of radar to detect single women. Chrissy: Like they have to be single? Diandra: I know, shh, just go with it. To prove her point, Ally bumps into a dorky looking guy on the street, who immediately does a one-eighty and starts following her like an eager puppy so he can ask her for a date. VOoMB says she's in her thirties, so dating a guy in his fifties really isn't such a big deal. You'd better hope so, Calista. Except now Ally's got this little voice telling her that it might be serious. This is the voice of self-doubt. She's also got a little voice telling her she could really use a new dress. This is the voice of commercial advertising, also known as the Voice of Satan and it is accompanied by a lingering shot of a bunch of designer names I don't recognize so I have no idea if they're even real. Meanwhile, Lucy Lieu and some blondie are talking to a potential client back at the firm. The client is a rather large, loud, angry woman who claims some "doctor" gave her shitty advice that resulted in her husband leaving her. The woman who shall henceforth be called The Sucker rants that the "doctor" is a quack job and she has half a mind to go to one of her meetings – "How to Satisfy Your Man" (Step 1: show up naked) – and tell everybody what a quack she is. Lady, if you thought some Dr. Ruth type was going to miraculously save your marriage, you only *have* half a mind. The Sucker says she did what Dr. Quack told her to do – make sacrifices and be "submissive" – and her husband dumped her like "toxic waste". Interesting analogy. Oh, and apparently "being submissive" included greeting her husband after a "hard day" at work with food, slippers and a blowjob. Words cannot express how much that makes me want to vomit. And I'm starting to regret dubbing her "The Sucker" now. Ew. Lucy suggests that maybe the Sucker's husband left her because he finds her unattractive and gets a death glare from both the Sucker and Blondie. Oh, like that would be totally out of the realm of possibility here? I mean, it's not like this whole situation screams "shallow" already. Greg from the previouslys asks Ally if she's ever known him to be "morally conflicted". And since they're all lawyers and therefore don't know the meaning of the word "morals", she says no. Then he starts blithering about that chick "Mark" is dating and how she has "many nice qualities, but one of them is a penis." Ally freezes and stares into space with something resembling shock or possibly horror on her face and slurs, "Did you say that she has a penis?" Greg blathers that he's not sure whether he should tell Mark or not. "The woman Mark is dating has a penis," Ally repeats. Yes, we got that. You can move on now. Chrissy: I think the writers were experimenting with how many times they could fit the word "penis" into one hour of programming without the FCC banging down their door. Diandra: (sarcastically) You think? VOoMB blithers that while Mark appears to have the "biggest" relationship "problem" (wink wink), problems have this way of following her around like lost kittens. Cut to her sitting at a restaurant table, alone, waiting for her old fart of a date to show up. No, I'm not saying fifty is old. But clearly she thinks it is and I forgot whether or not they mentioned his name so Old Fart Michael it is! The host escorts a dead rodent to her table by mistake, although I don't suppose the rodent had a choice in the matter as it appears to be attached to Michael Vartan's head. Chrissy: (shriek) Oh my GOD, what have they done to him? Diandra: I've seen a variation of this in One Hour Photo. It's best if you try to just look past it. Chrissy: Are you kidding? That would be like trying to look past Pamela Anderson's breasts! Diandra: Good point. Maybe it'll look better if we drink more. In keeping with the theme of this recap, I will say that Tim was so shamed by his failed date with his father's ex that he ran off to join the witness protection program and his new identity required him to have a hairstyle that looks like a throwback to the 80s. Or maybe 70s. Anyway. Ally stares at NotTim, her eyes practically bugging out of her head. NotTim politely points out that there must be some sort of mistake. Chrissy: Yeah, the stylist dropped acid before coming in to work the day she did your hair. Diandra: Okay, deep breath...let it go...ohmmmmmm... "It's always the case," VOoMB grumbles. "As soon as you meet one man, they all come out. Translation: "If I had only waited one more day I could have been having dessert with this guy right now if you know what I mean. And I really think you do." "Look at this guy," VOoMB moans. "He's perfect." Wow, she's quick to judge people. Oh, that's right, I forgot. She's a shallow, bottom feeding lawyer with no sense of humor. Chrissy: And don't you forget it! Unfortunately, she's got a date with Grandpa Smith, so her chances of getting to lick the back of NotTim's neck in the back of a cab later are basically zero. NotTim apologizes again and walks away as VOoMB says "this is the thing about dating somebody older. Young, beautiful things get dangled in front of you all day." Okay, A) it's hardly been all day and B) how would you know since you claim this is the first "older" guy you've dated? Why am I even bothering with this? And now we're up to the first Ally McBeal Daydream (trademark) of the episode. You know, those weird moments where she sees dancing babies and metaphors and shit? Yeah. In this case her tongue just flops cartoon-style out of her mouth, crashing loudly onto the table as she stares at NotTim's retreating back. Heh. Chrissy: My sentiments exactly. Diandra: Speaking of which, you are planning on cleaning up your drool when we're finished here, right? Chrissy: That's your drool, hon, not mine. Diandra: Oh. I knew that. Ally snaps out of it as Old Fart Michael shows up and apologizes for being late, blaming this case he's been working on representing an environmentalist group and blah blah pro bono snore. Go back to NotTim. VOoMB gushes about how nice it is to meet a guy who isn't obsessed with money...Michael flags down a waiter and orders a bottle of Cristal...but has loads of it, VOoMB finishes. Time shift while VOoMB summarizes their entire awkward first- date conversation as they tried to find things they had in common. "We both liked movies, but different ones...we both liked sports, but different ones...we were both afraid of George Bush...but different ones." Chrissy: Uh-oh, here comes a rant... Diandra: No, I promised myself I wouldn't go into politics in this recap. But someday people will finally realize that President Junior is the third antichrist of Nostradamus and I will be there, saying "I told you so". Anyway. They finally found something they had in common... disco. Of course, he used it to meet women back when it was actually cool and she just thought the clothes made great Halloween costumes, but I guess they have to take what they can get at this point. On the other side of the club they are disco dancing in, Blondie pulls Jane Krakowski off the dance floor so they can discuss The Sucker's case. Blah blah back and forth. They agree to do some undercover snooping at Dr. Quack's seminar tomorrow. Oh, let's just go back to the train wreck, shall we? VOoMB gushes about how suddenly she and Michael could talk about everything and how old is she again? Because even her inner VOoMB sounds like a teenager. She says she actually started to believe that she had more in common with a guy twenty years her senior than a guy her own age. It's the maturity, hon. Never underestimate the power of maturity in attracting a woman. It's the main reason I dated a guy in his thirties when I was nineteen – I could have a conversation with him without feeling like my IQ was suffering. He was also one of the few males in existence who appeared to not be obsessed with sports and/or sex. In fact, the furthest he ever tried to go with me was the one time he held my hand. Come to think of it, maybe he didn't qualify as a "date" per se... Chrissy: Are you done analyzing your love life, Freud? Diandra: What love life? Remember "Never Been Kissed"? I basically *am* Josie Geller. Except, you know, minus the whole reporter thing. Chrissy: Yeah, so maybe once you get that school librarian job you'll meet a teacher who looks like Michael Vartan's long lost twin brother, fall in love and live happily ever after. Diandra: Have you met any teachers recently? More like Michael Vartan's long lost uncle Bob who is married and has 2.5 kids. Beer gut and receding hairline are optional. Chrissy: Well, at least you're optimistic. Diandra: Bite me. Ahem. Cut to Ally and Old Fart Michael walking home. VOoMB notes that the "young beautiful things" rule is still in effect. We see at least half a dozen male models pass by the couple on the sidewalk, some of them having clearly just stepped out of a department store catalogue. Ally distractedly tries to keep up her end of the conversation, her head whipping around so fast to follow the models that it all but flings right off her neck. Their conversation is basically unimportant, but from the things she's saying it's clear that she's trying to convince herself that she doesn't just want wild monkey sex with young hotties. Why are so many of these models walking around without shirts on in the middle of the night? Are we supposed to assume that they are just now coming out of the gym or something? Because judging by their muscle tone they must spend about half their lives there. Ally blithers some more about Michael's smile while her Voice Over of Inner Deprecation (or VOID) grumbles that she's probably so fascinated because she doesn't remember how to smile. Sigh. For those of you just joining us, Ally is a lawyer and therefore was required to have her sense of humor surgically removed before taking the bar exam. Except the doctor screwed up and forgot he was supposed to remove her conscience and sense of morality too and oh the irony har har. Meanwhile, the couple doomed to spend the rest of their lives in therapy (Mark and Cindy the Woman with the Penis) are dancing back at the club. Or maybe it's a different club. I really have no idea, nor do I care. Cindy starts to confess the whole penis thing, but then flakes and instead babbles about how wonderful Mark is and how she's had a lot of relationships end abruptly. My problem with this whole sub- story is that there is not enough suspension of disbelief in the world to make me believe that this woman could be a transvestite. Especially if she supposedly hasn't gone through with the surgical part of the sex change yet. Hormone therapy may go a long ways but it does not completely alter a person's DNA, nor does it give a man the kind of facial features and body shape this woman has and yet leave the male sexual organs fully intact. No, I'm not a doctor, but I've had to do a lot of readings on this sort of thing and I've had a guest lecturer who looked so much like a middle-aged woman that I didn't realize she used to be a man until she opened her mouth and a very masculine sounding voice came out. Diandra: What was my point again? Chrissy: I have no idea. I lost you about three detours ago. Can we just get back to the recap? Mark swears he won't leave her and she gets all goopy eyed. At a nearby table, Lucy stuffs a napkin into the mouth of a very antsy and sputtering Greg. They should have her do that in every scene. No, I don't like his character. Is it obvious? Commercials. Oooo..."Ransom". That was a really good movie. It took me years after I saw it to be able to look at Gary Sinese again without feeling my skin crawl, but man. He's so good in it he almost makes you forget that it's Mel Gibson's movie. Okay, so we're back and now we're in what I assume is Ally's apartment. The token black girlfriend Renee asks if she's afraid she'll give the Old Man a heard attack. Oh, come on, he's FIFTY. And he seems to be in good health. The way they keep talking about him you'd think he was an 80-year-old asthmatic with an oxygen tank. Ally says as much but in fewer words. Renee disagrees: "he's a fossil!" Diandra: Do me a favor? If I ever start talking like that, shoot me. Chrissy: Can I have that in writing? More "girltalk". All the main female characters are present and wearing slinky nighties. Okay, what kind of thirty-year- old woman still has slumber parties? And why does this scene look like some sort of teenage boy's wet dream? I keep expecting a pillow fight to break out. Jane pipes up that she once had a guy die of a heart attack while he was in bed with her. Ew. Thanks for sharing. Ally says she hasn't even kissed Old Fart Michael yet and maybe they don't really need to have these slumber parties once a week anymore. I'd say you don't need to have them ever again, but maybe that's just me. Jane starts babbling about her undercover work with Blondie which leads to a rehashing of previous exposition and more "girltalk" that makes me gag. Then Lucy reveals that she tapes hundred dollar bills all over her body in the morning so she smells like money at night because it drives her boyfriend wild in the sack. The other girls stare at her and make mental notes to never borrow more than fifty dollars from her ever again. Greg...okay, I suppose I should really start calling him Richard...ambushes Mark at work and asks how things are going with Cindy. Clueless asks why Captain Nosypants is so interested in her lately. Is he jealous and wants her for himself? Councelor Ohgrowupalready chokes on his coffee and then takes off on the meandering scenic route to try to explain the situation to Mark. The short version? He thinks of himself as cupid firing his metaphorical arrows at them since he introduced them and all and...well...it turns out Cindy has an "arrow" of her own. Mark, of course, doesn't understand this lame euphemism and thinks Richard has lost his marbles. Captain Juvenile is able to avoid further clarification by chasing after Ally as she walks by, begging her for advice. She says she thinks they shouldn't tell Mark because, really, honesty in a relationship is *so* overrated and maybe Mark'll be openminded about the whole thing because "guys can be a lot more accepting than you know when it comes to women they love." Projecting much, Ally? They are interrupted by a guy I recognize as Charlie's friend the absent minded professor on "Numbers". His name is apparently John here. Senor Getalife leaps at the chance for a second opinion. He starts out vague and professional, asking if he should tell Mark about Cindy's "secret". John asks if it's material and Sergeant Bigmouth says yeah, well, she has a penis. John stares at him, wide eyed, and makes squeaky noises. Somewhere, Sigmund Freud is rubbing his hands together gleefully. So sometime later Ally is walking down the street (don't these people have cars or some form of public transportation?) as VOoMB philosophizes that all men are homophobes. "The biggest consider gayness a disease. The more enlightened ones don't... only because they're afraid of catching it." Yeah, don't get me started on that can of worms. Ally is so engrossed in her voice over that she doesn't see NotTim step in her path and runs headlong into him. For some reason, this causes her to giggle like a total loony toon. Chrissy: It's probably the horrific hairstyle. Diandra: Now that you mention it, it is quite possibly less attractive in broad daylight. Chrissy: I'm praying for Twiggy to whip a pair of scissors out of that coat and sheer a couple inches off of it. It might actually make me dislike her less. Diandra: (raises beer) I'll drink to that! NotTim looks at her strangely (as is the norm in dealing with her I suspect) and recognizes her as the woman who stole his table at the restaurant last night. Because he has a photographic memory, I guess. "Oh, that was your table?" she twitters. "Then why didn't you sit down?" VOoMB adds bitterly. He asks where she's going. She says back to her office and hey, it was nice seeing you again, yeah, you too. Long pause. Much staring. She finally goes to leave and he draws her back with a long winded pick-up line about how he believes in fate and since they keep running into each other and she doesn't have a ring on her finger...oh, my god, I've actually heard this line before. Recently. From an African Frenchman who also tried to make me believe that he was a doctor, owned some sort of small company on the side and was filthy rich. Is this the new "what's your sign" or something? NotTim asks her to dinner. VOOMAB states that the one thing she doesn't do is "juggle" as it's the one thing she hates most about dating. Unfortunately, the neural connection between her brain and her mouth malfunctions at this exact moment and she ends up saying "I'd love to." Or maybe she's just willing to make an exception for cute half-French guys. Chrissy: Shit, wouldn't you? Diandra: Hell yeah, but that's not the point. Chrissy: What *is* your point? Diandra: (pause) I'm not really sure... NotTim introduces himself as "Jonathan". Ally introduces herself and reveals that she's a lawyer. He laughs and rolls his eyes. She asks if he has something against lawyers and he says yeah, but that's probably because he *is* one. Not that it makes any difference what he does for future reference. Ally says they can work out the negative first impressions over dinner, then smiles and leaves. I'm just thankful she didn't make any suggestions about "dessert". I am also happy to note that Tim seems to have dislodged (or at least considerably loosened) the stick from his ass since the whole Monica debacle. Michael Vartan, however, would still be working on this for a few years. VOoMB tells us that she then spent all of lunch with Old Fart Michael pretending to listen to him while she was really thinking about (translation: mentally undressing) Jonathan. We see Ally sitting with OFM at a different restaurant (I think), staring off into space and wiping at her lipstick with a napkin in what looks to be an approximation of restless passion. VOoMB explains that whenever she thinks about sex, she uses her napkin "a lot". Huh. I just eat chocolate and write slash, but to each her own and enough about me. VOoMB continues that she hopes Michael is saying something funny or the big dumb smile she has plastered to her face is going to seem really inappropriate. She's assuming that he's trying to be funny anyway since it's a date and all so every so often she "takes a shot" and giggles so it looks like she's paying attention. Then VOoMB murmurs that she can still smell Jonathan's cologne – or perhaps aftershave – and starts wiping at her lips again. Good lord, woman, get a hold of yourself. So, of course, this leads to the following conversation... Old Fart Michael: ...so she said goodbye to the family and she passed away. Ally: (giggle) That's cute. Why he doesn't call her on this is anyone's guess. And now we are forced to watch the Dr. Quack seminar with Jane, Blondie and Lucy. It's a long, painful scene that I can't even bring myself to go into detail about. Suffice it to say that she employs a lot of bad Freudian logic and sets women's lib back at least fifty years. Oh, and she sings. Basically, Florence Henderson makes an ass of herself and totally perverts the image of Mrs. Brady. Office bathroom. Renee is playing the poor man's psychiatrist and discussing Ally's love life with her. She says dating is all about lying and making the other person see the person you want to be and really the whole purpose of this conversation is to make Cindy uncomfortable as she joins them at the sink and starts freshening her makeup. Blah blah Renee says she tells some guys she's still a virgin and has never even *seen* a penis (or, as she calls it "a peppermint stick" and thank you, David Kelley for ruining Christmas for me). Renee asks if Cindy has ever done that and Cindy, of course, jumps to conclusions and has a spazzy fit about "everybody" knowing her secret before bustling out the door, completely missing the growing cloud of confusion forming around Renee. Ally chases after her and says they *don't* know. Only Ally does since "everybody runs to me with their problems 'cause I have a conscience." Diandra: We should totally have made a drinking game out of this. "Take a sip every time anyone makes a crack about lawyers being soulless, cold-blooded snakes with no sense of humor" Chrissy: If we had, you'd be so inebriated by now that you wouldn't be able to type. Diandra: Good point. Hand me another beer, would you? Ally recaps her previous conversations with Richard and says she thinks Cindy should tell Mark. Cindy says no way. Ally says Mark's in love with her and Cindy seems to reconsider the possibility. Girly, lovestruck smiles abound and we go to black before I have a chance to throw anything at the television screen. Commercials. Can you hear me now? Good. The next day? Maybe? Ally and Jane discuss Ally's double dates and Ally realizes that she's accidentally scheduled both guys at the same time. Wow, that's such an original plot device. She can't weasel her way out of either date, so she'll just have to cut her dinner with Michael short so she can meet Jonathan for "drinks". She insists it's just dinner and drinks. Uh-huh. And we shift back into the B Plot as Mark runs into her, looking depressed. She needles him until he admits that he suspects Cindy is planning to dump him because she says she wants to "talk" about something and it sounds ominous. Ally says he shouldn't jump to conclusions and "there may be circumcisions you don't know about." Nice one, Grace. Meanwhile, a lawyer brings crazy Mrs. "Dr." Brady into the office, bitching the whole way. She's bitching. Not the lawyer. Although he'd be completely justified in doing a little bitching – and perhaps some slapping – himself. Dinner. Michael says he has an 8:00 meeting and Ally makes double entendres about him "sandwiching her in" to his schedule. VOoMB says great, now she's thinking about sex with *him* too. Ally starts futzing with her napkin again. You'd think Michael would be starting to wonder about this weird little tick of hers. "Have you lied to me yet?" she randomly blurts, then looks shocked at her own total lack of self control. She says most people lie on first dates and has he? He says yes, guiltily, and reveals that he actually hates disco. Yawn. In fact, he's really into Neil Diamond. She splutters. He says he was in a band – he played piano - and he could always wow the crowds with Neil Diamond songs. Really? Judging by some of the stuff Dave Barry writes I assumed anybody who played Neil Diamond for a crowd risked being pelted with rotten fruit. Ally points out that there's a piano in the restaurant and he should go play something. And we cut back to Wingnut Brady at the Quirkiest Law Firm in Boston. No, I still can't bring myself to talk about it. She gives a speech that makes my hair stand on end and concludes "if you want somebody to sue, sue society." The Sucker repeats that she tried Wingnut's method and her husband left her. Crazypants Brady suggests she try to find a fat guy with no teeth and no other choices. Okay, *I* want to sue Bitchy Brady. Blondie says they are definitely going through with this lawsuit...beeyotch. The Bitch says The Sucker's love life will become public discourse if she does and her husband probably left her because "he got his eyesight back." Never mind. Screw the lawsuit. Just shoot her. Doomed couple. Cindy tries to tell Mark about her little "secret", fails miserably and instead asks him on a date. Oh, god, not "Sweet Caroline". It's a nice song when Neil Diamond sings it, but it sort of loses it's charm when a couple dozen non-singers attempt it, all of them singing in different, unidentifiable keys. Ally doesn't seem to notice the musical disaster as she is wiping frantically at her lips. Yeah, she has definite issues. VOoMB says there was just one thing stopping her from marching up to him and asking him to marry her..."I had another date." Cut to her and Jonathan dancing at that same club she and Michael were at before. I guess this is the only dance club in the greater Boston area. VOoMB debates the whole mature older guy/guy who is actually in her age range for a while. The singer, who just happens to be Renee, barges in between them suddenly and Ally introduces Jonathan to her "roommate". Jonathan asks if Ally can get rid of her and Renee gives him the stink eye before moving on to Mark and Cindy elsewhere on the dance floor. She hovers over Cindy's shoulder, singing "Mr. Bigstuff". Yeah, that's subtle. Cindy starts twitching nervously and Mark asks her to tell him what the problem is already because he's going crazy here. She tells him to hold her close and when they're really pressed up tight against each other he freezes and his eyes go really wide. "Surprise," she says. He just stumbles away silently. Way to ease him into the revelation there, Cindy. Commercials. Those Geico ads ("I just saved 15%...") always make me giggle. Am I just easily amused or something? Chrissy: We've been over this many times. Yes. Mark and Richard are chatting at the office the next day (I guess...I'm getting totally confused on the timelines here), but the promo for "Ransom" flying across the bottom of the screen is accompanied by such loud sound effects that I can't really follow what they're saying. Apparently, Mark is really torn up over the whole Cindy thing. Richard starts this great, philosophical monologue while weepy music plays. "It's not easy finding a person to love in this world. And whoever you end up with...she won't be perfect. Cindy is beautiful and when people see you with her, they're more impressed with you. What I'm trying to say is don't dump her." And the music falters and dies humorously as he adds "Use her as bait to attract other beautiful women – ones without meat whistles." I am learning so many new euphemisms watching this show. Mark leaves the room. Good move. Elsewhere, The Sucker doesn't understand why Blondie and Lucy need to talk to her husband. Blondie says it's because, as horrible as Bitchy Brady is, she's right. The fuck she is! Somebody whack this girl upside the head with a sock full of nickels, STAT! Ally arrives at the Lawfirm of Halfwits and Immaturity and is greeted by Jane, who is holding a bouquet of flowers. She announces that Jonathan just disappeared into the unisex bathroom but the flowers are from him. "Wow," is all Ally says. "Wow is right," Jane says cattily. "There's probably three decent guys in this town. You've got two of them and Mark's got the other." This is naturally Mark's cue to walk by and sneer at her. Then Michael steps out of the elevator. An ominous chord blares across the soundtrack with such force that it practically knocks me right out of my chair. He says he came to see Ally and hey, nice flowers. Ally stutters, excuses herself and ducks behind the bouquet with Jane for a rapid fire whispered conversation wherein she instructs Jane to go distract Jonathan and make sure that he does NOT leave the bathroom. Ally, I hate to break it to you but those flowers are not exactly a shield of invisibility. He's five feet from you. Michael may be fifty, but he's not deaf. Although I'm starting to think that he *is* a complete idiot. Jane saunters off as Michael asks if Ally will have dinner with him again tonight. Jane stumbles into the bathroom to find Jonathan washing his hands. She flirtingly introduces herself as "Elaine". He says he knows, "we just met two seconds ago." Jane flails. Jonathan starts to leave and she blocks him, bullshitting something about the firm conducting a poll on the unisex and could she ask him a few questions? He says maybe some other time (like the fifth of never) and tries to scoot past her. She blocks him again and something approximating the theme from "Jaws" warbles across the soundtrack. He looks at her warily and makes a break for the exit on the other end of the room. She chases after him, lunging dramatically off-screen. Okay, that made me giggle. Outside, Michael is telling Ally he wants her to meet his two kids. Hmm...you don't suppose...? Nah. Can't be. She waffles a bit. Then, from somewhere in the near distance we hear Jonathan yell "get off me!" and she says "sure!" and bustles Michael over to the elevator, punching the call button frantically as the scuffling and grunting noises get louder. She shoves him in and the doors close just as Jonathan comes around the corner, dragging Jane with him. She is clutching his leg like a five-year-old begging Daddy to stay home from work today. Snort. Ally runs over and scolds Jane like she's a puppy who just did a no-no on the carpet. Jonathan looks vaguely confused. Actually, considering this is Michael Vartan he could be trying to look confused, concerned, disturbed or constipated and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Chrissy: (defensively) Are you saying he's a bad actor? Diandra: No, I'm saying there's a fine line between "subtle" and "incomprehensible" and it only goes to ten and I'd like to finish this recap sometime in the next week so I'm just going to move on. Jane calmly detaches herself from Jonathan's leg and walks away. "She's a guard secretary," Ally explains. "She's crazy," Jonathan huffs. Ally says granted, but she's not exactly qualified to pass judgment on other people's sanity. Actually, she says she doesn't "have the heart to fire her", but I stand by my version. Jonathan then does a 180 and says he just came by because he couldn't stop thinking about Ally. "Well, you've been on my top two thoughts as well," Ally replies. y 43w87n 53qy5 y5wn 'oym/ Chrissy: Dude. I don't think banging your head on the keyboard like that is good for the computer. She lamely tries to cover herself by claiming that was a joke. Yeah, good one. Not. He has apparently lost whatever intelligence he may have had to lust because he buys this load of horse manure and just tells her she looks beautiful and makes lovesick puppy eyes at her. She blushes and makes vague hand gestures that I think are supposed to be endearing and he asks if he can see her tonight. Of course he does. Because when a woman is dating two guys at once and doesn't want them to find out about each other they *always* ask her out on the same night. She says how about tomorrow. He says he'll call and they kiss cheeks like a married couple or casual friends or something. They just don't look like a dating couple is all I'm saying. He leaves and Jane slithers back over to remind Ally that she is headed for trouble and "give me one." I don't suppose she has a preference? [Diandra clamps a hand over Chrissy's mouth to stem the no doubt drool-flecked response to that question] This is the point when – as I was taking notes on this show – some door to door salesman or Jehovah's witness or somebody rang the doorbell and I dropped to the floor and crawled around on my hands and knees in the hopes that he wouldn't see me despite the fact that the chair I was sitting in was right next to a big window that is visible from the street. Maybe this is a sign that I should stop pretending to be normal. Blondie and Lucy are chatting with The Sucker's husband who, let's just say, is a far cry from being mistaken for Brad Pitt's twin brother. He says he stopped loving The Sucker six years ago, actually, but he was too chicken shit to leave her because she scared the bejesus out of him. When she went to that seminar and started acting all submissive, he was able to work up the courage to "tell her what I really thought." I love how half of the shots of him in this scene make him look about two feet tall with a chipmunk voice. Heh. Before he leaves he says he'd appreciate if they didn't tell The Sucker that he never really loved her. Aw, a spineless weasel with a heart. How sweet. I guess. After he leaves, The Sucker marches in a demands to know how it went. Blondie suggests she drop the case because it's "too tough to make". You can't tell me she's the *only* person who's tried to sue that whackjob. Can't they try some sort of class action suit or something? Is that even the right term? The Sucker argues but Blondie just blows smoke and dodges a few land mines and finally convinces her to drop it before she gets hurt. Night. Mark goes to Cindy's apartment...or house, I'm not sure and works up the nerve to knock. He apologizes and says he's been thinking about her all day and "as hard as I try...I can't see you...as anything other than a woman" and he wants to keep going out with her. Atta boy! Then they hug and it's really a cute scene. Dinner Doomed to Disaster. Come on, you know it is. Michael's daughter is gushing over Ally, saying they've always hoped Daddy would start dating again. All VOoMB can concentrate on is the fact that "his daughter is older than me." Get used to it Calista. Harrison has *two* kids who are older than you. "If this works out, I could be calling you Mom," Michael's daughter laughs. "Only once," VOoMB sneers. "Because I'd kill you." Heh. Well, people in glass houses...yadda yadda. Is that even the right proverb in this instance? Chrissy: Just be quiet and drink your beer. Diandra: Ooo, beer! Michael gets uncomfortable and tells her not to jump the gun, but the daughter points out that if he's introducing her to the kids it must be serious. An ominous cloud flies in and hovers over Ally's head, but nobody seems to notice. Then Michael jumps up and announces "your brother's here." Wait for it... "Ally...my son, Jonathan." Bingo. Jonathan steps into frame and he and Ally gawk at each other in horror and Jonathan presumably thanks his lucky stars he never tried to give her a *real* kiss. "Hi," Jonathan says awkwardly, looking a bit green around the gills. VOoMB whimpers that she never asked Jonathan his last name. Yeah, that might have helped. "I think we've met," Jonathan adds. You think? Ally just makes squeaky noises and wishes she could daydream herself a hole in the floor to fall through. TO BE CONTINUED Oh, wait. Never mind, we're just going right into the second half. The second half of this recap is being brought to you by Miller Lite. Miller Lite...when taking a baseball bat to your television just isn't an option. Previously on Twiggy McBores-a-lot...Ally was a hypocrite, Michael Vartan was attacked by a sadistic hairdresser, Mark found out Cindy's name used to be Chuck or something equally masculine, Florence Henderson annoyed the crap out of me - as did Richard - and Ally "accidentally" dated two guys from the same gene pool. Except that the actual previouslys seem more concerned with Robert Downey Jr. than any of this. Apparently there was some sort of UST between his character – Larry – and Ally at some point but Renee thought he was all wrong for her. Maybe it's the whole bad boy/crack addict thing. Anyway. We return to the Dinner of Impending Greek Tragedies, already in progress. "Your son...a...dad...um, what," Ally splutters. The daughter whose name is never mentioned – let's just call her...oh...Michelle - looks shocked and if I'm not mistaken just a wee bit thrilled that she finally has something she can hang over her dad and big brother. Or little brother. I'm not sure. The Voice Over of Inner Deprecation says this is one of those moments where she wishes she had a remote that could reset time fifteen seconds. Only fifteen? Hell, why not rewind all the way back to the beginning of this entire scenario and redo the whole blamed thing? Chrissy: And while we're at it, is there a remote that can rewind us back to the early stages of production on this episode so we can take away the hairdresser's crack pipe? Diandra: No. Chrissy: Damnit. Ally Daydream #2: Ally pulls out a big ass remote control and rewinds the scene back to Jonathan's entrance. Somebody should explain to her that simply turning back time is unlikely to change other people's reactions to a given situation because this time around Jonathan is inexplicably all smiles and acting not in the least bit surprised to find his new girlfriend out on a date with his father. Ally twitters and babbles and basically sucks up to both of them big time and they smile and blush like, yeah, this is totally a situation a person could talk their way out of this easily. Sigh. I'm thinking she doesn't need a remote that turns back time. She needs a remote that takes her into an alternate reality on some other planet where all humans are irretrievably stupid because I'm thinking the only way they would fall for something this lame is if their brains had been surgically removed and replaced with a drunken hamster on an exercise wheel. Speaking of drinking. Glug glug. Anyway. Back in reality, Michael and Jonathan are still staring at her in confusion and disgust (respectively). "Oh," Ally mutters, looking like a person just about to throw up on their own shoes. "I totally have to pee." Heh. Credits. Same images. On second (or maybe 9th) viewing, Jane's hand looks precariously close to "Jonathan's" crotch in the Keep the Boyfriends From Knowing About Each Other scene. Commercials. Okay, if the words somebody wrote in Sharpie turn into a little cartoon character and start talking to you, it's seriously time to stop dropping acid. Oh and speaking of which, the Anti-Drug Association would like you to talk to your kids about drugs. Nice segue. Back in the restaurant of Greek Tragedies, Ally comes back from the bathroom and just stands watching the boys...and Michelle from a distance. The VOID says that "one day I will look back on this and laugh...or cry. One or the other, I'm sure of it." Ha. She is startled from her self pity by some chick named Kimmy Bishop, who she apparently knows and who drags her over to a table full of women, introducing them as the "Officers of the Women of Virtue Bar Chapter of Massachusetts." Yeah, I had to rewind the tape, like, five times to get all that. Basically, they are the Coalition of Puritan Women Wound Way Too Tightly. Chrissy: Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron? Diandra: Shut up. I'm trying here. Kimmy twitters that she was voted the "biggest prude" for the third year in a row. Oy. Ally takes the opportunity to weave a tale about Kimmy offering her spermicide under the table one time and then giving Ally's boyfriend a blowjob instead. The Uptight Women all look horrified. Ally continues by saying she'd love to chat but she has a date with a father-son team and they brought the sister/daughter along tonight so "things could get really wild". She skips off as Kimmy looks like she's about to have a stroke. I know this was kind of mean and Kimmy didn't really deserve it, but...hee! Anything to mess with a Puritan is okay in my book, I guess. "Hi, what'd I miss," Ally says as she sits back down at the table of Greek Tragedies. "Well," says Old Fart Michael, "we've talked about it and we decided the best way to settle this is for Jonathan and I to have a fight to the death over you. How does pistols at dawn sound? Too clichι?" Oh, no he doesn't either, but stupid questions deserve stupid answers. Actually, Michael says he's going to "remove [him]self from the equation" and let Jonathan have her. Jonathan protests that he doesn't really want to date a woman who "has the hots for" his father. Didn't seem to bother you before, Tim. Or is it different if your father has recently broken up with her and you're the rebound guy? Michael says men his age "don't get hots". Hell, they can barely maintain an erection. And I'm going to pretend I didn't say that. The boys argue and Ally cuts in to ask if she has a say in this. She barely gets another sentence out of her mouth before Jonathan gets up and leaves the restaurant. I'm guessing that's a no? Also, nice manners you taught your kid there, Mike. Old Fart Michael apologizes all over the place for his son's behavior and says he needs some time to reflect on the situation or debate his options or beat himself up for being so stupid. Whatever. Then he also leaves the restaurant. Um, did he just leave Ally alone with Michelle? I mean, I realize she's been a pretty negligible presence so far, but...um... what? Can you imagine the awkwardness? Chrissy: "I'm confused, would I be calling you 'mom' or 'sis'?" "Um...uh...so how about those Red Sox?" Diandra: Exactly. And in case you haven't figured it out by now, this is my secondary reason for combining these two guest spots into one recap. Michael Vartan is basically playing the same character in the same comedy of errors storyline. In fact, when I first started working on this recap, I got confused and thought that the "thigh of turkey" joke coming up in a few scenes came from the episode of "Friends". I know this is probably a common sit-com plot device, but still. Sheesh. Okay. Ally's Apartment of "Grown-up" Slumber Parties. Oh, yeah, that's another commonality. Both shows feature character who haven't matured past high school. Ally admits that both men sort of...dumped her. Duh. She says she doesn't really blame them because she wouldn't want to date somebody who was interested in her mother. Well, in my case the guys who hit on my mother and the guys who hit on me tend to be in the same age range so my thinking is that it's more awkward for the person caught in the middle of family members. Lucy says yeah, but Ally's mother is "old" and "wrinkly". "Michael's at least half cute...for a relic." Gee, how magnanimous of her. Jane says she doesn't see why Ally can't date both. Um, because they'd know and it would be really uncomfortable for them? Blondie agrees that there are "obstacles" but, hey, good men are hard to find. I fail to see how this justifies her taking *two* good men off the market, but whatever. Drink more, think less. The doorbell rings. Ally looks out the peephole and groans. She opens the door to Jonathan, who doesn't even give her a chance to tell him that this is not a good time or warn him that her girlfriends are watching and just starts babbling away. He apologizes for walking away earlier and admits that he has wanted to "make love" to her ever since the moment he first saw her. I fall out of my chair in a dead faint and come to several minutes later with Chrissy slapping me repeatedly, saying that she will *not* take over recapping this "shite" for me, damnit, so GET A GRIP! Then she scribbles a note to remind herself to borrow this tape from me sometime so she can make an audio file of that line and use it as her computer's start-up sound while I ransack the pantry for chocolate and write a few lines of slash. Ally tries to interrupt Jonathan's speech a couple times and finally just slaps her hand over his mouth as he's in the middle of asking whether she really likes his dad or is just attracted to him, you know, sexually. He finally notices their very attentive (and now giggling – my god, are we sure they're adults?) audience and looks suitably embarrassed. "Can I get back to you on that," Ally asks. Jonathan, practically blushing in mortification, says yeah, you do that, and slinks off, probably to go get drunk and forget this ever happened. Much like Chrissy and I will no doubt be doing once this recap is over. The next day. Seriously, does nobody in Boston have a car or money for bus fare or anything? Why does everybody have to walk everywhere? The VOID says it's comforting to know that everything happens for a reason, but it would be nice to know what that reason is once in a while. What? Did I miss something or have I had more to drink than I thought? What the hell is she talking about? She screeches to a halt – as does the music – when Kimmy pops out of nowhere and accuses Ally of humiliating her in front of the people who "look up to" her. Ally says something mean and Kimmy "curses" her, saying "may you never find a man." Oh, the irony. Also, shouldn't she be holding a crucifix or something if she really wants this to work? Ally Daydream #3: Ally punches Kimmy four times and Kimmy's head springs up off her neck like a Jack-in-the-box. Back in reality, Kimmy announces that she just left Ally's office where she filed a complaint. "I'm suing you for defamation, you total bitch!" And of course a nun just happens to walk by at this exact moment and she gasps and crosses herself. She falls all over herself apologizing and Ally explains to the nun that Kimmy has put on some weight and her "diaphragm is pinching". The nun scampers away in disgust and Kimmy looks horrified and pissed as all hell. Ally just chirps that she can add that to the complaint. A block or so later, she literally runs into Robert Downey Jr. Sorry, "Larry". They make small talk and he flirts a bit and the opening strings of "My Girl" start playing. Ally startles and spins in a circle, frantically searching for the source of the music. I like that. It's cute. Larry calls her name and she snaps out of it. The music stops. He asks about the guy she used to date...I guess. I'm not familiar with past relationships of characters on this show. She spills the whole I started dating a guy *and* his son at the same time but I didn't know they were father and son blah blah story and he says "it happens". Yeah, in television comedies, I'm sure. I guess he's a therapist as well as a lawyer because he tells her to call him if she needs someone to talk to. They part ways. "My Girl" starts playing again, but Ally doesn't seem to notice it this time, probably because she's too distracted by all the hormones raging through her body. Lawfirm of Halfwits and Immaturity. Richard asks about this whole lawsuit thing and Ally reminds him of Kimmy who he calls an "androgynous beast". Mark walks in at this moment and Richard says no, we weren't talking about your girlfriend. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Blondie goes off on Mark for dating that "disgusting" he/she (after a caveat wherein she claims to be "open-minded"...usually) and when word gets out it'll embarrass the whole firm. And Ally thought guys were the worst homophobes. She claims this is not about gay rights, it's a "circus act" and it could affect his reputation and credibility. How? He says it won't and they're not talking about it anymore. Nice to see at least one of these people is capable of being an adult. Jane pokes her head in to tell Ally that Old Fart Michael is here. Ally's Office. Michael also apologizes for leaving Ally alone at the restaurant. Ally says oh, it was no problem, really. She and Whatshername had a lovely dinner and gossiped about the boys and is it true that Michael's wife breast-fed Jonathan until he was five? Oh, shut up, she does not. Michael says he was a little spooked when he found out she was dating his son. Well, duh. He swears he is *not* going to compete with Jonathan. Ally asks why he came here then. He asks what her feelings are for his son. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she's lusting after him like a rabbit in heat. She says she just met both of them and they're both really nice guys but it's just too early for her to know anything really. Yeah, and that whole napkin thing was just a symptom of her OCD. Sure. Michael finally gets to the point and says he and Jonathan have agreed that "you might be the most amazing woman on Earth and it would be a tragedy if at least one of us didn't get you." Let's not get too carried away here. She says that's a really *good* answer. But, he says this has to be *her* choice. She says she can't do it yet. "If you really want me to make an informed decision then I'm going to have to continue seeing both of you." "Did I just say that," the VOID asks in shock. Michael says that's a bit...odd. She promises not to exchange bodily fluids with either of them until she makes her choice. Ew. Nice conversation piece. Then she shoos him out, promising that he will get the first date tonight. Then she bangs her head on the door as the VOID chants "I'll look back and laugh. I'll look back and laugh..." Commercials. Apparently, AMP energy drinks are like a legalized form of crack. You can play two person ping-pong all by yourself and (presumably) stay awake for days! Ally and John discuss Ally's crazy idea while the "Ransom" promo all but drowns them out completely. Richard points out that if things work out with one of the guys then at Thanksgiving she'd have an in-law "wanting [her] thigh over the Turkeys". See what I mean? Then he changes the subject and says that Kimmy...did something I can't decipher because I don't watch "Law and Order" or any of it's rip-offs and therefore am not familiar with legal terminology. Sue me. (Rim shot). Something about a court order and withholding wages. Ally grabs Jane and says she wants to respond to this. Blondie runs into Cindy at the elevators and makes an ass of herself by frantically punching the elevator buttons until she sets off some alarms in an attempt to get as far as possible from Cindy and Mark who proceed to act all lovey-dovey,. They kiss and Mark spots Richard and John scramble and smack into each other in their efforts to pretend they weren't watching the "circus act". I guess Blondie was so flustered she forgot to get off the elevator because when it comes back up, she's still in it. She acts skittish as Cindy gets on with her and Cindy announces that "my penis makes you nervous". Why is that anyway? Does she think Cindy will force herself on her because all transvestites are sex fiends or something? Or is she just envious? Why, hello, Mr. Freud, how are you today? Ally goes to Larry's office. "Don't tell me," he jokes. "The son has a twin." I, Chrissy and about five thousand other women across the country shout "I WISH!" She says she wants to hire him as "outside council" to represent her in her lawsuit against Kimmy. "My Girl" starts playing again, apparently in her head and she bops along. Larry decides to humor the crazy woman and copies her head-bopping motions until she snaps out of it and declares that he seems like a smart and "decent litigater" but if he doesn't want to... He interrupts that he does. She starts to leave and he asks if there's something else she wants to talk about. "What," Ally sputters. "No, no, no, why? No." Yeah. This woman is a psychologists wet dream. However, I'm starting to wonder just how good a lawyer she could possibly be if she's this incapable of bluffing and improvising shit. Larry says he meant is there anything else about the case and she giggles nervously. I'm surprised he doesn't ask what she thought he meant. She relates the whole situation with Kimmy thus far, but skews it in such a way as to make Kimmy seem like a raving loon who mistook Ally's perfectly innocent comments as verbal attacks. I take back my previous assessment of Ally's credentials. Larry asks if Ally's wealthy. She scoffs at the impropriety of such a question. He goes into a long explanation that doesn't entirely make sense to me and, given that she is also a lawyer, I would think should not even be necessary. She says she gets by. He asks if she's ever been married. "No," she grits. I would certainly hope not because she could drive any man into an early grave. She asks how this is relevant. He says it isn't. Snerk. Blah blah lawyer speak. Ally admits that she was being "caustic" the first time she insulted Kimmy. Yes, but sarcasm only works on people who can take a joke and Kimmy is obviously not one of those people. Also? I wouldn't call it being "caustic" so much as "scuttlebutting". Ally and Larry schedule a date...er..."meeting" and she asks if there's anything else she should know. "The son will probably live longer," he deadpans. Oh, really? Chrissy: Not to mention he's charming, chivalrous, romantic and HOT. Diandra: Yeah, like I said, he's too perfect. There's got to be something seriously wrong with him. Chrissy: Must you always be a cynic? Diandra: Well...I did suspect that my one boyfriend was married when he first asked me out. Chrissy: And you wonder why you're still single? Diandra: (grumble) Shut up. Back at the Lawfirm of Halfwits and Immaturity, Mark finds John hanging upside down from some sort of contraption in his office. He asks what John is doing and John says he's either hanging upside down or playing ping pong and does Mark want to take a guess which it is or "use up one of [his] lifelines"? Heh. Mark says he wants to talk about his girlfriend. John does an unrealistically graceful gymnast flip, landing with his feet on the floor and gives the following advice: "Dump it...he, she, whatever." Mark should really get the hint that the majority of his coworkers are hopelessly homophobic and he really shouldn't ask their opinions on such matters. Maybe he should try Larry, he seems open-minded at least. John continues that "platonic love affairs have been known to exist...but as far as flaws go...SHE HAS A PENIS!!" Yes, we've established that already, thank you. Courtroom of Quirks and Catfights. Kimmy marches over to Ally and says she knows she's trying to "schedule a lot of motions" in the hopes of scaring her off with the promise of lots of big legal fees but it won't work. Larry interrupts with a smartass comment and she hisses about Ally hiring a "snide" lawyer. Kimmy's lawyer finally has to reel her back in. The judge enters and asks what basis they have to dismiss a claim the day it was filed. Larry spews a lot of hot air and fancy words, speaking at about ninety words per minute in order to illustrate what a smart, hot shot lawyer he is. He calls the accusation gender biased and archaic since a man wouldn't have made such a big stink if Ally had made "caustic" comments about the number of women he banged which, while true, really has nothing to do with the situation as Kimmy has not exactly shown any indications of adhering to gendered double- standards. Wait. Has she? I...I think I just confused myself. I think I need more beer. Whatever. At any rate, Ally clearly knew that what she was saying would offend Queen Uppity so gender bias is sort of a moot point. There is an argument and a lot of big words are used but they go by so fast that I can barely make out any of them. Kimmy's lawyer reveals what Ally said, exactly and Larry excuses himself to go bitch at her for not telling him everything. "Whatever," she sneers. Larry kindly refrains from slapping her and spews more hot air about "enlightened times". Motion denied. Round one goes to Kimmy. Larry turns to Ally and snaps that he doesn't like being surprised like that and she *will* fill him in on all the details in the future, is that clear? Ally smirks as VOoMB realizes that she has some twisted desire to have men push her around, scold her and, deep down, maybe spank her once in a while. Oh for god's sake. If she starts calling him "daddy" I swear I will throw up. Larry serves Kimmy with a deposition appointment and drags a star-struck Ally out of the courtroom. Mark's Office. John enters and apologizes for what he said earlier. Then he tells Mark a story about asking out a girl...at least he thought she was a girl when he was a teenager and now he's suspicious of beautiful women and basically assumes they're all transvestites until proven otherwise. Because in the television world, women who used to be men are all knockout beauties with highly feminine curves and no trace whatsoever of their former self. I'd like to think this is a casting issue but I suspect many writers actually think a sex change operation is capable of miracles. Chrissy: Okay, we get it. Move on. Diandra: I'm just saying that the odds of a man being able to transform himself into a supermodel of a woman with an hourglass figure and delicate facial features are slim to none as it would require major skeletal reconstruction. Chrissy: Fine, but we're closing in on thirty pages of recap here. Do you really want to try for forty? Diandra: Oh. Point taken. Anyway, John talks about dating a girl with a mustache, which gave him a nervous twitch in his upper lip and they went to a therapist for "special" couples and here's the phone number. Moving on. Restaurant. Ally sits at a table looking bored while Old Fart Michael plays "I Am, I Said". I'll grant that this song has a decent tune, but it has what are quite possibly the dumbest lyrics known to man. "Okay, the thrill is gone," VOoMB announces. Could be the song. She says she's not even fantasizing about Jonathan now. Well, I certainly am. Did I say that out loud? Ally goes home to talk to Roommate Renee. She says she hasn't broken up with either of the guys yet, but she thinks she's getting "the ick" on Michael. Renee sympathetically asks if he sang "You Don't Bring Me Flowers". Oh, no, *that* would have been an improvement. Ally changes subjects by bringing up her case. Renee asks why Ally didn't hire her because she's outside council. She is? Then why was she gossiping with Ally in the bathroom of the Quirkiest Law Firm in Boston? Oh, forget it. Ally stammers that they're roommates and their "personal relationship" would create a conflict of interest, which, of course, is not a problem with Larry. Nope. Not at all. Except for the part where she adds that he's "just... so...you know...yummy." That's not exactly a word I'd use to describe Robert Downey Jr., but okay. Renee says she "checked up on him" and found out that he's married. Oops. Ally flails and pretends not to care. I'm surprised she doesn't have an Ally Daydream wherein Larry is attacked by a pack of hungry wolves. Maybe she's more forgiving than I am. She says she's got a deposition tomorrow so "I should probably go kill myself... er...prepare...my...self." She does this by walking approximately five feet away from Renee and banging her head repeatedly on a wall. Commercials. And now we have an ad for another energy drink wherein a guy has hand to hand combat with his suit, which has come to life for some reason. Are all commercial executives on heavy narcotics or something? Oh, and Always would like to remind women that exercise helps ease menstrual cramps. Right. Because when you're cramping so badly you can barely move without wanting to scream the first thing you want to do is take a jog. Ally bursts into Larry's office and bitches at him randomly. Because he has half a brain he realizes that something is wrong and tells her to sit. She says yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you and generally acts childish and irrational. She's obviously mad about the wife thing and flailing for any excuse she can find to yell at him. Larry says okay, "I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now and it seems this would be a good time." He takes her hand. "Ally, are you nuts?" HA! And really, isn't that much a given? Ally says she's "erratic" (to say the least) and bitches about how she might lose the case and she has two men chasing after her and juggling them is kind of sick since one of them came from the womb of the other's dead wife and cry me a river. Larry sits her down and says he'll handle the suit and really the father- son thing is not that big a deal since men and women have historically been known to date an ex's brother or sister. Yes, but the "ex's" part is important here because it implies that both relatives are not dating the same person AT THE SAME TIME. "If you like them both, date 'em both," he concludes, regardless of his flawed reasoning. "The world won't end." "Certainly not yours," she snarks. And we're moving on. Louie Anderson is apparently the therapist John sent Mark and Cindy to. He gives a speech about people having differences and fragilities as the camera pans around the patient circle to show a guy with a woman old enough to be his mother, a heavy woman and a dwarf, a woman dating a pair of Siamese twins conjoined at the head and a man with a woman who clearly used to be the "bearded lady" of a traveling circus. Sometime later, Cindy marches outside and calls a taxi. She berates Mark for humiliating her like that because she is not a freak, damnit, and if that's what he thinks of her then she never wants to see his ass again. She storms off and he looks crestfallen. See? This is what you get for taking advise from homophobic half-wits, Mark. Lawfirm of Halfwits and Immaturity. Jane greets Ally and Larry, saying they're ready to go and *who* is *this*? Ally introduces Larry to her and she smiles flirtily at him. Does this woman have an off switch? I mean, seriously. Is she competing with Samantha Jones for the title of Horniest Woman on the Planet? Larry tells Ally she has to "behave" and "be quiet" during the deposition and if she's not a good little girl she won't get any dessert tonight. No, he doesn't say all of that, but it's implied and it's all sorts of wrong. Conference Room of Fast Talkers. Blah blah lawyer stuff. Larry says his question to Kimmy is "why? Why are you so upset?" Does *everybody* really *know* she's a virgin? I mean, couldn't Ally have made an honest mistake? I'm going to take "not a chance in hell" for 5,000, Alex. Larry suggests mistaken identity and source confusion and bicker bicker bullshit. Yeah, because it's likely Ally just happens to know two women named Kimmy who are both members of the Bar Chapter of Uptight Women Who Really Need to Get Laid. And here's where the fast talking makes sense because Larry smoothly talks circles around Kimmy and gets her to admit that the Uptight Brigade would never believe a word of what Ally said. I had to watch this scene a few times to figure out what, exactly, he did here. I blame it on my processing speed not matching his rate of speech. Then he says they're done here and he and a smirking Ally leave. Kimmy asks her lawyer what she said. Heh. We switch to the Bar/Restaurant/Dance Club that Ally apparently takes all her dates to. Ally is bragging to Jonathan about the way Larry tricked Kimmy. Yeah, this is good form. Gushing about another guy you clearly find attractive to your boyfriend. Nice. Jonathan asks if the case is over then and she says no because it's possible that the Uptight Brigade actually *did* believe her, which, Jonathan finishes for her, would be libel. Oh, yeah, he's supposed to be a lawyer, isn't he? I forgot. Oh, well. I told you it wouldn't be important. Ally asks how Jonathan's dad is doing. Oh for...that's one way to turn him off quickly, Ally, remind him that you're seeing his dad. Brilliant. She is saved from further awkward conversation when Larry walks in the restaurant with Blondie, causing Ally's eyes to bug out of her head. She excuses herself and runs off. Jane immediately notices her absence and swoops in, staring at Jonathan like she's a starving dog and his tie is made of steak. Oy. Jonathan should really learn to carry pepper spray with him when he goes on a date with Ally. Ally drags Larry aside to talk about their "settlement conference" and Larry tells her that Blondie asked him out for drinks when they met at the office and she "seems nice". Ally splutters incoherently and reminds Larry that he's married and doesn't he think this is a little inappropriate? Larry says nah, his wife doesn't suspect a thing. And if things go well with Blondie he'll just lace her morning coffee with Cyanide and she'll no longer be an issue. Not. Actually, he says he's divorced and Ally mentally kicks herself. Blondie interrupts her self-flagellation to point out that her date is looking "a little insecure". We get a shot of Jane sprawled across the dividing wall next to Jonathan's table, licking and sucking at her drink garnish in a way that is both seductive and unnerving. Like I'm getting the impression she's from a breed of humans that kills their mates after sex. Has anybody looked into that one guy she claimed had a heart attack on her in bed? Because I'm starting to think it wasn't an accident. Ally runs to Jonathan's rescue, shooing Jane away. Jonathan asks if everything is okay. "Fine," she says through clenched teeth, staring flaming daggers at Larry and Blondie. We cut to black before Jonathan has a chance to call her on her blatant lie, but I'd like to think he knows better than to ask questions by now. Commercials. My god is Carrot Top scary. Mark is clearly a masochist because he is once again talking to Richard about his problems with Cindy. I'll just use the noisy promo for "Nip/Tuck" flashing across the bottom of the screen as an excuse to skip this annoying male chauvinistic conversation. Cindy enters and tells Richard to take a hike. Then she asks Mark if he really thinks she's a freak. Mark proves that he is, in fact, a lawyer by saying he thinks she's "aberrant", which is basically just a nicer, politically correct way of saying the same thing. He admits that he's a gutless coward who can't handle the way others look at them or, because he's a man and therefore controlled by his dick, the lack of sex in their relationship. Okay, so some of that might be implied. And what happened to "I can't see you as anything other than a woman"? Did the person in charge of continuity quit? Cindy says they should be adults about this then and just admit that the relationship isn't going to work. Because Mark is like everybody else at the Quirkiest Firm in Boston deep down and is therefore incapable of acting like an adult he says nothing. Cindy storms out angrily, colliding with Richard – who was clearly listening in on their conversation - at the door. She says she'd like to thank him for everything and gives him a big kiss, full on the mouth. With tongue. And Richard is finally rendered mute. Hallelujah! Ally and Blondie are having a fakey civil discussion about Larry and his date with Blondie last night out by the elevators as Richard runs past, accompanied by a squealing pig sound effect. Ally Daydream #4: Ally bites off Blondie's head and spits it across the room with the help of some cheesy special effects. Larry slinks in and Ally snaps "you're late!" He apologizes and he and Blondie make eyes at each other until Ally drags him away angrily. Possessive much? What, is two men not enough for you? Conference Room of Fast Talkers. Part two. Blah blah lawyer speak. Oh, hell, we know she's going to win, right? Let's just cut to the chase. Larry convinces Kimmy that if the Uptight Brigade thought Ally's statements weren't true then suing Ally might give them second thoughts and she really doesn't want that to happen now, does she? He gets Kimmy to settle for Ally paying her attorney fees and giving her an apology, which Ally does grudgingly from between firmly clenched teeth. Ally bitches at Larry for making her do that because it *so* wasn't worth it and now she has to pay legal fees and rant rant bitch topic change. Diandra: Is it too obvious that I'm glossing over things so I can get this recap over with faster? Chrissy: I don't care. Where's Michael? Diandra: Don't you mean Jonathan? Chrissy: Whatever. Ally says Larry is going out with Blondie tonight. He smartasses that no, he'll be going out with her mother. He has to have her back early though because it's Bingo night. Yeah, I made that last part up for fun. Ally tells him to leave. He says he doesn't want to and she can't make him nya nya NYA. Oh, and he wants her to dump Michael and Jonathan, he'll dump Blondie and he and Ally can go out to dinner tonight. "Done," Ally says with a touch of hostility. What the hell just happened? Ally goes back to the restaurant of Greek Tragedies with both of the boys so she can break up with them at the same time which, while efficient, doesn't strike me as the most tactful of strategies. VOoMB tries to justify dumping both of them by claiming that she really wasn't ready to become Michael's daughter-in-law or have Jonathan call her "mom". Ew. Scary thought. Unless, of course, it was some sort of kinky sex thing in which case...no, that's an even scarier thought. If you'll excuse me I have to go throw up now. So it was all for the best, VOoMB concludes, although Michael did go right over to the piano and play "September Morn" because he was so depressed he felt the need to inflict pain on everybody else in the restaurant. And then she was free to start dating Larry and felt all warm and fuzzy and like she was walking a tight rope without a net and blah blah shut up VOoMB. And we go to a nearby table where most of the gang is watching Ally and Larry out on the dance floor. Lucy and Blondie chat bitterly about Larry dumping Blondie for Ally while Richard tries to drown himself in breath spray. Lucy thinks he's expecting her to kiss him because she's full of herself and Richard says trust me, that's not it and switches to gargling water. Heh. Cindy is my hero. We pan over the regulars to find Renee acting like a proud momma and Jane emitting actual (well, presumably CGI) steam from some facial orifice. Let the Horny wars begin I guess. Ally asks Larry why he encouraged her to date the father-son pair if he was interested in her. He says it would be unethical for a therapist to hit on his patient. I don't understand. Is he a former shrink turned lawyer? Is he a shrink and a lawyer? Why do I care about this? Cut to Ally walking home, seemingly alone. VOoMB says walking alone gives her a chance to "reflect on the day". Then the camera pulls back and we see that Larry is walking beside her. "But I guess that'll have to wait," she adds. Vonda Shepard sings us into the closing credits. Diandra: There. That wasn't so bad, now, was it? Chrissy? Chrissy: Zzzzzzz... Diandra: CHRISSY! Chrissy: ZzzNK! Wha? Is it over? Diandra: Yes. Some help you are. Chrissy: Hey, I told you I didn't like this show. Don't you have something better to recap? Diandra: Well, I should probably do "Kingdom of Heaven" next... Chrissy: Oh, god. Are you trying to put me in a coma? Diandra: Well, it's either that or "Monster in Law". Chrissy: Hmm...two hours of Jane Fonda acting like a raving loon and torturing Jennifer Lopez. I'll get back to you on that. Oh, and as usual the amount of bitching I do in recaps does not necessarily correlate with my actual opinion of the program. I was pleasantly surprised by these episodes of "Ally McBeal" because I've always considered it a stupid show. Of course, the fact that there were no dancing babies anywhere in sight may have helped. A lot. ~Diandra Hollman