"Mists of Avalon" Cast: *Americans trying to pass for Brits: Anjelica Huston as Viviane, Julianna Margulies as Morgaine, Joan Allen as Morgause, Samantha Mathis as Gwenwyfar and Michael Vartan as Lancelot (although he could be considered French). *Scotsmen trying to pass for Brits: Hans Matheson as Mordred, Clive Russell as Gorlois. *Actually British: Caroline Goodall as Igraine, Edward Atterton as Arthur and Michael Byrne as Merlin Julianna Margulies stands in the middle of a boat while a couple of extras row it around in circles in a tank with a smoke machine that's working on overdrive. "No one knows the real story of the great King Arthur of Camelot," she says in a fake British voice over. "Most of what you think you know about Camelot, Gwenwyfar and Lancelot and the evil sorceress known as Morgaine the Faith is nothing but lies. I should know for I *am* Morgaine the Faith. Priestess of the Isle of Avalon where the ancient religion of the mother goddess was born." I knew that doing recaps of movies would kick me in the ass one day. Like when I have to do a recap of a freakin' THREE HOUR MOVIE! And judging from that monologue, I think you can guess why it's that long. So I'm just going to fast-forward through the exposition here. The director proves that he has seen Braveheart one too many times by reenacting one of its lengthy, ultraviolent battle scenes for the first of about five times total. Something about Christians VS Followers of the Goddess. Whatever. Morgaine's mother Igraine has "visions" and Auntie Morgause is EVIL! Or, you know, just power hungry. On the other hand, Auntie Viviane is the High Priestess of Avalon, aka the Lady of the Lake and she apparently either works with or sleeps with Merlin but considering Merlin is a crotchety old man in this movie I'm hoping for the former. Viviane tells Igraine that she is destined to bear the future king of Avalon, but the father will not be her husband. That's always good to hear. So Morgaine's father Gorloise dies in another Braveheart scene and she marries Uther through some sort of whacked out hocus pocus that I'm not even going to try to understand. Uther fathers Arthur (of course), and when he and Morgaine are "old enough" Viviane takes them away from their parents to "train" Morgaine to be a priestess and "protect [Arthur's] future destiny" whatever that means. So. Now Morgaine is all grown up and knows how to create fire and rain out of thin air. For her final trick Viviane takes her to the middle of the water tank where she lifts her arms and magically "parts" the "mists" to reveal "Avalon". Okay, that was kinda cool. She gets a really painful looking tattoo on her forehead and her mother is less than thrilled. (That she's a priestess, not that she has a tattoo.) And we break for commercial! Damn...there's no commercials in the video version. Never mind. Okay, that's a lot of names, so let's review who's who here. Viviane, Igraine and Morgause are sisters. Igraine's first husband Gorloise is Morgaine's father. Her second husband Uther is Arthur's. Got it? Alright, so Morgaine is paddling...er... the extras are anyway, around the tank as her voice over babbles about a visitor to Avalon. And from a distance of about 100 feet I can already tell you it's Michael Vartan. Yes, I'm pathetic. Is there a problem with that? He introduces himself to her as Lancelot. Or should I say Lahancehloht because he's speaking in a really thick (not to mention phony) BRITISH ACCENT. He's also her cousin. Spawn of the Lady of the Lake, although it's never explained how *that* happened. Here's hoping daddy isn't Merlin. Yerg. So the poor extras have to paddle them both around the tank until they collapse from exhaustion. Now we have a little conversation between Lancelot and his mommy although damned if I can follow what they're saying. This is either because a) I'm still trying to get used to these dang accents, b) it's too freakin' complicated for my poor wittle brain to understand or c) the scene started with Lancelot smiling and winking in the general direction of the camera, thus turning me into a drooling idiot. I'll let you guess which one it is. Actually, I'm laughing my ass off, because I'd swear Michael slips into an *Irish* accent for a second here. Basically, Lancelot wants to 'fight the Saxons' and mommy is being the typical, loving mother by telling him 'absolutely not'. "I have lived in a world where men do naht wait on a woman's bidding to come and go," he snits. Viviane slaps him so hard he's knocked flat on his ass. No, wait...that's what *I* would have done. She just tells him to go up to the "stone circle" to say farewell to Avalon. He asks why. She says 'just do it you little shit' and Morgaine drags him out by the hand. Morgaine and Lancelot race each other to a scale replica of Stone Henge, giggling the whole way. She arrives about five minutes before him, takes a few laps around the circle and lounges in the grass smoking a cigarette, shouting "move it, grandpa!" over her shoulder. Yeah, I'm making shit up. This movie is THREE FREAKIN' HOURS LONG! I need to do *something* to entertain myself. Lancelot staggers in behind her, gasping and coughing. "I think you spend too much time riding horses," she twitters, not even the slightest bit out of breath. "Bite.............me," he gasps. Okay, maybe not. Blah blah, I still can't follow this crap. I'm too distracted by the way it is so OBVIOUS that there's a smoke machine hidden behind the big foam rock behind them. All I can tell you is that they are definitely flirting with each other. Not that I can blame her. Heh. No, wait, yes I can. HE'S YOUR COUSIN! Not that I've never had a cousin flirt with me before but...ew. Too closely related. Fourth cousin twice removed? Now that's a different story, but I'll just shut up now because if I keep babbling I'll never finish this damn thing. A group of Christians walk by. Lancelot asks 'can they see us'. Morgaine says no, they're in Glastonbury, not Avalon. One woman wanders over and stares in their direction. "Are you sure they cahhhhhn't see us," he asks. Yes, I will be making fun of the accents throughout this recap and if you don't like it you can kiss my ahhhrse. Lancelot asks if Morgaine can "part the veil" between worlds and she says she's not going to use this crap for play. He asks, "is it because you cahhhhn't do it, cousin?" Apparently, he's ten years old. Morgaine stomps her foot, glares at him and waves her arms. The smoke moves around a bit and the Christian blinks as if they've suddenly appeared. Then she shrieks something about the Devil, throws holy water at them and sprints away. Or at least she would if she had any brains in that pretty little blonde head. "Where did you come from," she asks in quite possibly the worst British accent so far. She also seems to have taken acting tips for this scene from Keanu Reeves if you get my drift. Lancelot tells her she's in Avalon. She says Avalon doesn't exist. Oh, blah blah. She calls Morgaine a "fairy person", makes the sign of the cross and tells Lancelot to keep her away. Yeah right. Morgaine wouldn't rip him to shreds or anything. Morgaine is acting inexplicably jealous of this new development. I will repeat: HE IS YOUR COUSIN! Lancelot wisely ignores her and asks the girl who she is. She says Gwenwyfar. Dundundundundundundun... "I must be dreaming," she says. "Avalon doesn't exist!" Yeah, it must be those 'shrooms. She asks where the path with the smoke machine goes. Lancelot says it goes "down to the lauwrinovqn and the growjiakofvp." Yeah, I can't understand him at all. Ease up on the accent a little there, Mike. They make goopy eyes at each other for a bit and she asks if she can stay in Avalon and he can "show them to her." Oh ho ho... yeah, I'm thinking that's not all he'll show her... He says she can stay as long as she wants. Morgaine glares and waves her arms to close the curtain. Then she gets a look that says 'Ha! I win! Pbbbbbbtttttttt!' Lancelot says 'I see my mother has trained you well'. Heh. Speaking of mommy dearest, he says he should go tell her his decision. "I haaaaave the power to lead men into battttttle. That's what I intend to do." Okay then... The Voice-over of Melancholy Blatherings tells us that "as Lancelot announced his decision, deep within me there stirred something I had felt for no man before." Well, *I* have something stirring inside me too, but I think it's my lunch. Now we have something called the "Fertility Rights of Beltane", which is some weird-ass ritual where a bunch of guys in masks try to hunt down a deer and the winner gets to boink a woman who's completely covered in war paint. Basically. In this case, the woman is Morgaine. This plot point goes on for about five minutes and ends with the first hot sex scene of the movie. As the extras paddle Morgaine around the tank again, the VOoMB whines about a "great longing" and "I hoped that the man...had been Lancelot." Oh for Pete's sake, I know he's cute, but HE'S YOUR COUSIN! Gag. At any rate it couldn't have been him because a) we've already seen that he can't outrun *Morgaine*, much less a *deer*, b) the man didn't have any sleeves, paint or gobs of make-up covering the gigantic tattoo on his left arm and c) he threw the spear with his right hand. Although her little fantasy is actually better than reality because the next thing we see is Arthur - Morgaine's stepbrother - washing war paint off in the lake and asking Merlin who the woman was. Cue projectile vomiting. Ick. Merlin refuses to answer - for obvious reasons. So Arthur scampers off to join another Braveheart battle sequence and manages to fight about a dozen men away from his injured father (Uther) without even breaking a sweat. He carries Daddy into a burning shed where Daddy promptly dies. The shed starts collapsing, but instead of fleeing like any *sane* person would, Arthur begins praying to God and the Goddess. A hologram of Viviane appears and says 'God is kind of busy right now, waddya want?' She makes him promise to "rule in the name of the Goddess" if she helps him out, then she directs him to the Sword in the Stone (trademark), which he pulls out in an almost anticlimactic moment. Then he runs back outside and gets blood all over it. Meanwhile, Auntie Evil has married some guy from Orkney, Scotland. He's played by Christopher Fulford, last seen as "The Brit" in my recap of "Eye See You". For continuity's sake, I will continue to refer to him as the Brit here even though, ironically, his is one of the few characters that is *not* British in this movie. Anyhow. The Brit and Auntie Evil have a son that is way too old to be theirs but we'll never see him again so who cares? Igraine has apparently had it with men and declares she's moving to Glastonbury to join a convent. Moving on. Cut to a courtyard of some sort where a bunch of young, stupid men (which, really, is an oxymoron come to think of it) are spontaneously challenging each other to sword fights. Arthur challenges Lancelot (I think) and they fight for about five full minutes. Apparently Lancelot was left-handed. They end up in a clinch and stare at each other for at least a minute before Ed flips Michael's stunt double over his back and onto the ground. Then Arthur helps Lancelot back up and they hug. Aww, isn't that cute. Pft. Arthur's future wife enters the scene wearing a veil so we can't tell that it's Gwenwyfar. Oops...my bad. Arthur introduces Lancelot to her and she visibly stiffens. Then he tells her to take off the veil, which she does, and Lancelot's jaw crashes into the ground. Of course it's Gwenwyfar, who else would it be? Arthur - totally oblivious to the blatant sexual tension between the two - nudges Lancelot and urges him to say something. "I am your servant, Miss," Lancelot finally forces out. Is it just me or does that sound dirty? Arthur apologizes for Lancelot's lack of verbal skills, then gets distracted as Morgaine arrives on the scene. Arthur asks Lancelot who that woman is and Lancelot says 'it's your sister, dumbass.' Arthur runs off to greet her, leaving Lancelot and Gwenwyfar to continue staring at each other awkwardly. Morgaine and Arthur have a happy little reunion and Arthur tells her about his soon-to-be-wife. Morgaine asks if he loves her. He says he will. Yeah, that sounds convincing. Morgaine gets him to admit there was this one other woman... Uh-oh. Problem is he doesn't know her name, where she is or what she looks like because she was wearing a maahhhhsk. And the smile starts to drop from Morgaine's face. "It was at the Rights of Beltane". Slip. "It was everything that I ever dreamed of." Slide. Oh, and EW! Somebody calls Arthur, mercifully ending the little "let's reveal the truth to Morgaine so Julianna Margulies has a reason to show great 'acting talent' by sobbing her way through the next half-dozen scenes" moment. He scampers off and Morgaine, naturally, bursts into tears. Meanwhile, Auntie Evil is putting some sort of freaky voodoo curse on Gwenwyfar (hereinafter referred to as "Gwen" because I'm getting too lazy to type her full name every damn time). We don't know *why* she is doing this yet, but I think it's safe to assume that she's a raving witch. In fact, she looks more and more like the villainess in "Snow White" as this movie progresses. Arthur is finally crowned King of England. This takes about a half an hour. And heck, why not kill two birds with one stone and hold the marriage ceremony at the same time? When Gwen steps up Viviane, Merlin and Lancelot all fidget nervously, wide-eyed. I'm sure they each have different reasons for doing this, but I really don't feel like going into it. On the other hand, Auntie Evil is grinning and just *barely* suppressing a wicked cackle. Her husband the Brit comments - for no particular reason - that Arthur is the best person to save Britain. Auntie Evil says it's too bad he won't have any heirs. "What did you do," the Brit asks warily. Ha! She reveals that the voodoo curse she put on Gwen will prevent her from having kids which ensures that Auntie Evil's child will become the next king. Frightening thought. The Voice-over of Explanation informs us that Arthur left for the "border country" after that "leaving [Gwen] in Lancelot's care." Yeah, because that's a *good* idea. So, we see the doomed couple riding through the forest talking about...you know what? It really isn't important. There's an ambush and about three of their escorts are dragged off their horses and cut up into worm food while Lancelot kills about a dozen guys without even getting off his horse and doesn't even get a scratch on him. He's interrupted when Gwen is dragged off her horse and screams for help. He rides to her rescue, kills her attackers, swings her up on the back of his horse and rides away. Yes, his horse is white, why do you ask? They arrive at a stable some time later. It's raining. He asks if she's hurt. What? He could have asked that en route? She gets this starry-eyed look and gushes about his bravery and devotion and what cheesy romance novel did she climb out of anyway? Lancelot gathers some convenient materials, taps two rocks together and gets a fire started right away. Sure. How many takes did they have to do to get *that* to happen? Gwen blathers about a dream she had back in Glastonbury where he "opened the curtain to Avalon." He says it wasn't a dream. "So you felt it too," she murmurs. Diandra dissolves into a fit of giggles. "But I am swooorn to Arthur," Lancelot whimpers. And since I promised myself I wouldn't make any slash jokes in this recap I have nothing to say to that. Gwen protests "But I have sinned with you in my thoughts!" Oh, get in line, sister. He says thinking isn't the same as doing or he would "burn in hell a thousand years every time I see you walk past." Well, at least he's honest. Gwen rams the stick back up her ass and declares that they will do nothing about the blatant sexual tension between them although we know she's really just kidding herself. "Are you listening to me," she shrieks when he just stares at her like an idiot. "Why won't you swear?" He answers by slamming his lips into hers. Well, that works. She pushes him away and they stare at each other, surprised. "There will be nothing between us," she declares. "Will there, my love?" I figure this makes about as much sense as if she had slapped him and then jumped in his lap and shoved her tongue down his throat, but whatever. He just gapes at her like he'd rather throw her on the ground and perform several illegal acts of carnality on her right there in the stable. Meanwhile, Morgaine and Auntie Evil are in some sort of dungeon. Auntie Evil is further pushing the witch look by stirring some sort of potion in a pot over the fire. "I'm afraid," Morgaine whimpers. "Of course you are," Auntie Evil soothes. "But don't worry...here, bite this apple." She hands a cup to Morgaine and tells her to drink it so of course it can't be good. Viviane bursts in and demands to know what the fuck is going on. Auntie Evil explains that she was "helping" Morgaine "get rid of" a child she doesn't want. Viviane tells her to leave. Auntie Evil says you're not the boss of me so nyah nyah NYAH! Viviane lays the smackdown on her and she stomps off in a huff. Morgaine asks how Viviane could let her do the horizontal tango with her BROTHER and end up pregnant. Viviane says she wasn't supposed to find out who the father was. Yeah, that makes it *so* much better. She blathers about Morgaine and Arthur being the "last line" between the two worlds and it's really all very ancient Egyptian of her. Then she reveals that she wants Morgaine to take over her title of "Lady of the Lake" when she dies. Morgaine says no way and fuck you. She's keeping the kid and he'll have nothing to do with her or Avalon when he grows up. Apparently she has some sort of psychic powers that give her the ability to know her baby is a male when she's still at the beginning of her first trimester. There's a lot of back and forth and crying and fuck yous before Morgaine "renounces" Viviane and flees the room. Since this little cut in here was obviously intended to be filled with commercials for cars and fast foods, I will treat it as such by stopping the tape and searching for some Aspirin and a bottle of Bailey's liquor. I have a feeling I'm going to need it to get through this... And we're back! Morgaine obviously becomes a complete masochist at this point because she goes to live with Auntie Evil and the Brit in Orkney. Several months have passed, as indicated by the fact that her stomach is bulging out at least a foot and she looks like she could pop at any moment. She is at some sort of party. The Brit offers her the "raw liver of a stag" and she promptly goes into labor. As she's being carted into a bedroom, the Brit pulls Auntie Evil aside and reminds her that if the baby dies, their son will become high king. So, is this really *her* idea or *his*? Discuss that amongst yourselves. So, the second Morgaine falls asleep, Auntie Evil leaves the baby by an open window so it'll freeze to death. Then Morgaine starts mumbling in her sleep and reveals that the father is Arthur and Auntie Evil changes her mind. She brings the baby to her husband and announces this "new" development. "She doesn't know I know," she bubbles happily. "With this secret, we have a weapon in our hands." Does that sentence sound weird or is it just me? Basically she plans to bring the kid over to the dark side (cue evil laughter). Arthur comes home from some sort of battle and Gwen greets him by announcing that she just got her period (or, as she calls it, her "cooourses"). Well, hello to you too, honey! Sheesh. He assures her that they are still young and they have plenty of time left to have children. Sure you do, pal. In Orkney, Morgaine bolts upright as she wakes from a nightmare and her son Mordrid (who is at least seven years old now) asks why she has those so often. My guess is that's what happens when you live with a she-devil who plans to corrupt your incestuous offspring but I could be wrong. Morgaine starts to tell him that some people see things like, I don't know, dead people, but Auntie Evil stops her, saying he's much too young for this discussion. "Why don't you go back to Camelot," she says, tying a scarf around her head to cover the growing horns. Morgaine isn't sure. 'Mordrid will be fine here with me,' Auntie Evil continues, shoving the pitchfork behind her back. Poor gullible Morgaine agrees as long as Auntie Evil doesn't let Viviane get to Mordrid. "I promise," Auntie Evil hisses, forked tongue flicking out of her mouth. Camelot. Arthur is introducing Morgaine to the knights of the roundtable when Gwen interrupts. Arthur formally introduces the two women and Gwen babbles something about Morgaine being in Arthur's "affections" long before she was. As if Morgaine would want to be reminded of *that*. They leave and knight #3, who was obviously attempting to flirt with Morgaine during their introduction, proceeds to drool all over the floor. Gwen tells Morgaine that she was raised in fear of the "old religion" but she's getting desperate. She asks if there's any "magical" way to get her pregnant. Sure, you just have to build a time machine, go back to a few days before your marriage and kill Auntie Evil, but I'm guessing that's not going to happen. She says she'll do whatever Morgaine says as long as Morgaine promises that she's not a witch, that her "magic" doesn't come straight from the devil and that Gwen won't go to hell for it. Gee, is that all? Morgaine meets Lancelot out in the courtyard sometime later so they can flirt a little more. Someone gag me. Please. "I'd have thought you'd have a bride by now," she teases. Yeah, he would, but she had to go and marry Arthur. "Or does your heart still long for the woman you can't have," she asks. BINGO! Johnny, tell her what she's won! He says the rumors are not true. Coughliarcough. "I love Arthur more than I have ever loved another man," he moans. Sure. I decide to lay off the slash jokes and they start throwing lines like *that* at me. Damnit. He says, basically, whatever feelings he has for Gwen will die with him. "I feel the loss of you dear cousin," Morgaine says. I have no idea what she's talking about. "No one has touched me like you did," she continues. Um...sweetie? Are you sure that wasn't just a *fantasy*? "Even now I yearn for you." Oh lord, would somebody just HOSE HER DOWN already? I feel like I should mention that they are standing roughly a half a millimeter apart and staring at each other's lips the way a starving man would look at a nice, juicy hamburger. Arthur is watching all of this from a balcony above and we can almost see the wheels spinning in his head. The next day...I guess, Morgaine gives Gwen an amulet to wear around her neck that will magically counteract the freaky voodoo curse that neither one of them even knows about. Not. There's some sort of party that night where the knights of the roundtable all get themselves thoroughly tanked - except Lancelot who is apparently the medieval equivalent of the designated driver. He and Gwen help a drunken Arthur to bed while he (Arthur) babbles about them being the two people he loves most in the world. "Do you love me?" he slurs. Snort. Then he drags them onto the bed with him and says they need to have a talk before the alcohol wears off and his better judgment kicks in. Uh-oh. He reveals to Lancelot that he hasn't been successful at impregnating Gwen and the smiles start dropping off the doomed couple's faces. "I see how you look at each other," he says bluntly. Well, no duh. A blind person could see *that*. It's not like they're being subtle or anything. Lancelot, sensing where this conversation is headed, tries to make an escape. Arthur drags him back, saying he's going to finish this, damnit, so shut up and listen. He says Gwen thinks it's her fault, but he doesn't because "sometimes the fault lies with the man." Excuse me? SOMETIMES?! Now Gwen tries to escape. Heh. Arthur says he would rather have Lancelot's son reign after him than the Brit's and asks if Lancelot will do this one little favor for him. Yeah, like asking your best friend to knock up your wife isn't too much to ask. Lancelot looks very uncomfortable and says it's up to Gwen. Good answer, honey! Ahem. There's a long pause while Arthur looks at Gwen expectantly. She says no way in hell and gets up to flee the vicinity. Snort. Oh, come on, you know she really wants to. Why else would she put up such a protest? Arthur grabs her and reminds her that she is his wife and therefore has already agreed to obey him. See, this is why I could never have lived in pre-women's lib times, because if I were her, I'd grab the nearest sharp object and go Lorrena Bobbitt on his ass for *that* comment. Then he points out that it's not like their forefathers haven't done the same thing. Or future generations, really. He promises they will both "be with her" and if she gets pregnant they don't need to know who the father is. Oh, that's just lovely. He's a real sweet talker, isn't he? He says their loophole is for her to claim that the child was conceived in the king's bed because it's true, but it infers something entirely different than 'I had a threesome with my husband and the guy I'm secretly in love with and I don't know which one knocked me up.' She stands there thinking about it for about ten minutes before she starts removing her clothes. Lancelot looks everywhere but at her. She crawls onto the bed between the two men, naked. Lancelot just sits there, sweating and looking lost although since this is Michael Vartan we're talking about that may not mean anything. And now we have the second hot sex scene of the movie. Thankfully, this time it features known non-relatives. Well...I guess technically Arthur and Lancelot are related, but it's not like they're screwing each *other* or anything. I really need to shut up now. Unfortunately, it still makes me feel ill because all I can think of is the fact that in First Knight these same characters were played by Julia Ormond (okay so far), Richard Gere (eh. :::ducks flaming arrows:::) and Sean Connery (bleeeeeerrrrrgggggghhh!) Oh, by the way, there was a scene with Morgaine and Knight #3 flirting and kissing interspersed throughout this scene, but I really don't give a shit. Oh, and kudos to the director for managing to hide Michael Vartan's gigantic tattoo throughout this scene without being obvious about it. I can't say the same for Samantha Mathis' breasts, however. Although I know *I* always strategically arrange my hair over one breast and cover the other with one hand before I go to sleep at night. [/sarcasm] Morgaine meets Lancelot out in the courtyard again the next morning. She twitters out a cheerful greeting and he just glares at her. "You gave her the charm, didn't you," he growls, his voice at least one octave lower than normal. Morgaine looks confused and says it wasn't meant for *him*. 'Really?' he snaps. Heh. He tells her what happened and she seems very much amused by the idea that he spent the night in bed with *both* the King and Queen. Hehe. He isn't. "How can I go back to the way things were," he whines. Hey, the way things were going you were never gonna get a chance to boink Gwen, honey. Gift horse? Mouth? 'nough said. Oh, he's not finished. "How can I kneel before him and call myself his servant?" Excuse me while I laugh so hard that my keyboard is short-circuited by drool. Unfortunately, Morgaine does *not* answer "Well, I'm sure you did that just fine last night." What? Okay, I promise: no more slash jokes. Really. Gwen's servant twitters about helping Gwen dress and announces that Lancelot proposed to her. Wha? When? Why? ...huh? Gwen blows the hell up at her and the poor girl scampers away in a dense cloud of confusion. Gwen then interrupts a meeting at the roundtable and demands to speak to Arthur privately so she can rant and rave at him. Apparently she's moody because she gets her period every other week. Oh, and Lancelot couldn't get her pregnant either meaning it *is* her problem and Morgaine's amulet didn't work for shit. "God does naht reward sinners," she sobs. Arthur responds "we are all sinners. He knows that and understands." Amen, brother! She says He also knows Arthur "value[s] Pagans equally with Christians and fight[s] under the banner of the Mother Goddess as if she were equal to our father in heaven." Yeah, now she's just asking to be slapped, but unfortunately Arthur is totally pussy-whipped, so he just stands there and lets her tell him she's being punished for his failure to acknowledge God as the most powerful being in the universe. So much for a loving and forgiving God, huh? Lancelot marries "Lady Elaine", not that it makes any difference since she has no importance to the story whatsoever and we'll never see her again. The long departed Voice Over of Melancholy Blatherings returns to say "if he could not make me happy, at least he could fill her soul with delight." There are just so many things I could say to that that I don't know where to start, so I'll just skip it. Lancelot asks Merlin where Mommy Dearest is. He says she couldn't bear to see her son married under the banner of Christianity, but she sends her blessings. Yeah, right. She's probably going to hold that over his head 'till the day she dies. Lancelot and Morgaine shoot lustful glances at each other and I run to the bathroom so I don't vomit all over the carpet. And I'm just going to skip the pointless little conversation between Morgaine, Merlin and Knight #3. Arthur and Gwen chat with the King of North Wales (an old fart), who asks Arthur if there are any women in his court who'd be willing to become his Queen. Gwen channels Auntie Evil and hisses "Morgaine." Arthur looks at her like she's suddenly sprouted horns and a pointy tail. She says she thinks Morgaine would be "happy" with an older man. Surprisingly, her nose does *not* grow several inches. Arthur says he thinks he knows what Morgaine's answer will be. We cut to Morgaine shrieking "Are you out of your fucking MIND?!" Okay, not really, but wouldn't that have been funny? Morgaine is tricked into agreeing to marry the old fart through a bit of sit-com-like mis-communication wherein she thinks she's actually agreeing to marry Knight #3, who happens to be the old fart's son. Also? Merlin dies. I would go into more detail here, but I'm only, like, halfway through this recap, so, moving on! After another non-commercial, the VOoMB admits that her marriage to the old fart gave her some of the happiest years of her life. Except for the part where she's rather be sleeping with her new stepson than her new husband. Twenty years later, a grown-up Mordrid is stampeding through the forest with his minions of doom when Viviane appears in the middle of the path. He tells the minions to go on ahead and jumps off the horse, falling to his knees in front of her. "You have a plan for me, I think," he says. She says the Goddess needs a "champion" as they can no longer rely on Arthur. She needs him to be the King's heir to the throne. He asks why anyone would acknowledge him as the King's heir. She says because he actually is. Duh. Mordrid laughs and protests that his mother is Arthur's sister. Viviane gives him a look that says 'no shit, genius, now what's two plus two?' Mordrid, understandably, is not happy about this. Viviane says she's placing the future in his hands although since she's psychic you'd think she would already know that this is a bad idea. Mordrid storms into Auntie Evil's dungeon and demands to know why she didn't tell him he's the bastard child of incest. Blah blah blah Auntie Evil tells Mordrid about the curse on Gwen. Mordrid finally gets a clue and discovers Auntie Evil's plot to become high queen mother. All that's in her way is Arthur. "Your enemy is that the King is so loved," she hisses. I mean it, she's literally *hissing*. I almost expect her to grow pointy fangs and slither off to find a rat to swallow whole. "No man is without flaws," she says. "With the King it concerns his Queen." Oy. Can you see where this is headed? Mordrid protests that he would like to love Arthur "as all men do". I am *not* going there. Then he starts crying and laughing insanely, confirming that he has officially gone off the deep end. I will hereinafter refer to him as "Damien" (You know, like that demon child from "The Omen"?). I should point out that the actor who plays him (Matheson) does a really good job on this scene and it made me race to the computer to find out who he is. You know, just in case you thought all my snarkiness indicates that I didn't like this movie. Damien interrupts a roundtable meeting and introduces himself to Arthur. For some reason the make up department has decided that the best way to "age" Ed Atterton twenty years is to make him look like a hobo. It's not pretty. Damien says the Saxons are planing an invasion. The knights of the roundtable laugh and Arthur says he doesn't see why they would do that seeing as how they've been peaceful for the last TEN YEARS. Damien fights one of the knights for no good reason other than to prove that he can kick ass. Then he announces that he is Morgaine's son. Arthur says that figures because only his sister's kid would have the balls to barge in on him like Damien did. Hee. Meanwhile, Morgaine's husband dies. Apparently she grew to love him because she tells the son that she can't stay because "every time I look at you I'll see him." So she goes back to Avalon. On route, she announces "the Saxons are upon us" a second before an arrow hits one of her guards. She grabs his sword and starts fighting. Excuse me? I'm all for equality and women being able to fend for themselves and everything but where in the hell did she learn how to handle a sword while on horseback? Was this part of her priestess training? She gets hit in the shoulder with an arrow and rides away. The bad guys give chase and she hides by veering off the path and laying in the bushes. This works because the bad guys have obviously not seen "First Knight". She pulls the arrow out. By herself. Without screaming her head off. I know she's supposed to be tough, but really. Arthur and Damien are watching the troops practice when Damien suggests they have a plan in case Arthur dies in battle. In other words, who will take his place? Arthur says he can't designate a successor as long as there's still a chance that Gwen will give him one. Oh bloody hell, is he kidding? It's been over twenty years, isn't it about time to give up? Gwen scampers into earshot just as Damien reveals that he's Arthur's son. There's a little 'no you're not' 'yes I am and you know it!' moment and she runs off crying. She ends up in front of an altar. A man walks up behind her and she tells him about Arthur's incestuous offspring. We cut to a close up of him and OH MY GOD! Well...uh...I think it's Lancelot, but with the long, white-streaked hair and full beard it's hard to tell. Yech. She whines about all the time and effort spent trying to impregnate her and all the prayers she said while God was apparently jamming His fingers in His ears and saying "lalalalalalala I can't heeeeeaaaar you!" She asks if Lancelot thinks she's being punished for their little menage-a-trois. He kneels next to her, puts his hand on her arm and says "I don't think it's God who punishes us. I think we punish ourselves." Oooo...I like that line. "Would it nahhht be a comfort," he continues "to believe - just for a time - that we create our own heavens and our own hells?" Sure. They wait to give him all the good lines until after he looks like he's crawled out of a sewer. Damien creeps up to the door and listens as Lancelot suggests that God has given Gwen other "comforts" which she would see if she would just open her damn eyes. She takes the hint and they kiss for about ten minutes while Damien seethes quietly. Methinks he's found his leverage. Morgaine paddles *herself* to Avalon for a change (with a wounded shoulder no less). I'm guessing the extras got tired of her standing in the boat no matter how many times they pointed out that it would be a lot safer if she would just SIT DOWN DAMNIT. She waves her arms, but the mists refuse to part. The VOoMB explains that her powers have left her. Well, duh, I think we could have figured *that* out. So Morgaine just drifts for a while until she is spotted by a group of nuns. One of them happens to be her mother Igraine (remember her?), and she wades out to the boat so Morgaine can spout off a bad line and sob on her shoulder. Back at the castle, Gwen practically bounces into the bedroom, gets undressed and crawls into bed. Huh? What's with the sudden mood change? Did I miss something? She hears a noise and calls "Lancelot?" Oh. Well, I guess that answers my question. Damien leaps onto the bed, slaps his hand over her mouth and holds a knife to her throat. *Now* Lancelot enters and starts removing his clothes. Gwen breaks free and yells "run", but she's a little too late. Several other knights move to block the exits. Lancelot sneers at Damien, not at all surprised that he's behind this trap. Another knight declares he's under arrest for high treason and tells him to get dressed. Oh, so it's treason for another man to sleep with the Queen but the King can have as many mistresses as he wants, is that it? Man, I really need to learn to abandon my feminist ideals when I recap historical movies... Damien calls for 'mommy' and Auntie Evil enters. He tells her to watch Gwen until Arthur can "deal with her". Don't we think the poor girl has suffered enough? The other knight asks Lancelot for his sword. Lancelot bends down, grabs... something, and clocks the guy over the head. Damien just stands there, grinning evilly while Lancelot single-handedly disables about half a dozen armed men with whatever makeshift weapons he can get his hands on. Then he grabs Gwen - who has just been sobbing uselessly on the bed the whole time - and they scamper away. How old is he supposed to be anyway? Like, forty? Fifty? Somehow I find it difficult to believe he could bounce around the room fighting like that without pulling something. The other knights start to give chase, but Damien stops them, saying their fate is in Arthur's hands. Huh...and here I thought it would be in God's. Auntie Evil pointlessly chimes in that "no man in all of Britain will hide them now." Meanwhile, the doomed couple is easily escaping through the woods. Yeah, I don't think that will be a problem. Some guy rants at Arthur about not letting the couple escape because they have "defied" him and Lancelot has "slain one of your most loyal men." What? When did that happen? Arthur says he can't because he loves them both too much. Heh. Too easy. He doesn't mention that he also practically threw them into each other's arms so he can't exactly be upset about it now, can he? Damien points out that if Arthur doesn't do something about it he will "lose the confidence" of his men which, basically, was the plan all along. Arthur whines that he doesn't have the heart to do it. "I have no choice but to leave this in your hands," he says. Oy. Cue the Drums of Impending Doom and Destruction. Convent of Seriously Depressed Women. Lancelot is dropping Gwen off and saying goodbye. This takes about twenty minutes, during which they reflect on the moment they first met and nearly put me in a coma. "How innocent we were," Gwen marvels as if she hadn't thought of tackling him to the ground right then - in front of Morgaine - and screwing him blind. Or maybe that's just me. He babbles something about heaven and angels and being together again when he dies which may be sooner than he thinks. Oops. Did I just give something away? My bad. Okay, I know the white hair and beard are supposed to make him look older, but frankly, in this scene it just makes him look like a thirty-year-old with a white-streaked mop on his head in desperate need of a shave. Mother Superior Igraine greets Gwen inside the convent and says "I knew you'd come." I take it she's still having visions then? She also says this is the place where Gwen can find forgiveness because "suffering brings women closer to God" and gnsiagownAGNEITANWIQN...Okay...deep breath...I can do this... Then she takes Gwen to Morgaine, who greets her with a hug. Aw, isn't that sweet. Morgaine asks how Arthur is doing and Gwen says he's in "great danger" and he needs her. Wha? So Morgaine rides back to Avalon and finds complete chaos and destruction at the border where the Saxons are attacking. Viviane rides up next to her and takes her hand. "I was behind you much of the way," she says and Morgaine says she may have turned her back on Viviane, but "[her] heart never turned." Aw. Ow...I think the abundance of sap is giving me cavities... Then Viviane says she 'sees' "a land that runs red with blood." Well, no shit, stupid, it's right there in front of you. "It is the end of an age," she declares ominously. They ride to the castle, which seems to have been redecorated with dead bodies and smoke. Morgaine demands to see Arthur. Damien steps out of the shadows and says 'Mommy! You came to see Daddy and not me? I'm insulted!' He gives her a kiss that borders on inappropriate, although considering who his parents are I suppose that's a moot point, and welcomes her to the "new" Camelot. Viviane says it sucks. Martha Stewart mutters "you got *that* right," and goes back to sharpening the end of her toothbrush. Auntie Evil appears behind Damien and starts whining about how Viviane always got everything she wanted. I'm starting to sense a bit of middle child syndrome here. Viviane stands in front of her and announces to the crowd that she is the Lady of the Lake and her sister is an evil manipulative bitch. I'll say it again: duh. Auntie Evil shrieks maniacally and runs at Viviane with a knife. This plan may have worked if Viviane were not PSYCHIC. Instead, Viviane just swings the blade around and Auntie Evil ends up stabbing herself. Damien, grief stricken over the loss of his Mommy Dearest, slashes at Viviane. It looks like a flesh wound, but Viviane dies in Morgaine's arms anyway. In Glastonbury, Igraine's ears perk up as though she senses that she has just become an only child. The wind starts blowing, there's an instant solar eclipse and some freaky-looking woman is standing in the stone circle, screaming bloody murder. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on anymore. Damien stomps off in a huff and Morgaine asks if she can see Arthur *now*. Heh. Roundtable of Days Gone By. Arthur greets Morgaine and asks 'is that really you?' Well, duh. Her hair color hasn't changed and she hasn't grown a beard, so she looks pretty much the same as she did twenty years ago. I'm thinking *she* should be asking *him* that question. He asks her why she didn't tell him about Damien. She says there was no point and it wouldn't have made it any easier on her. How selfish is that? Yadda yadda blah blah she convinces him to stand up and fight the Saxons and then whips his sword off the table in slow motion to overdramatic music. Arthur takes the sword and the music dwindles as several key players pass out from exhaustion. Arthur and his merry men ride into battle accompanied by war drums while Morgaine oversees her aunts' funeral. THE SAXONS ARE COMING! THE SAXONS ARE COMING! Ahem...sorry...I couldn't resist. Morgaine sets fire to the wood piles the sisters are laid out on and we return to the battlefield, where the two sides are just sitting, staring at each other. We hear galloping and Arthur turns to see his back-up arriving, led by Lancelot, still on his white horse. I thought "no man in all of Britain" would hide him? How the hell did he manage to round up a few dozen people willing to follow him into battle? "We will fight as we always did," he announces as he sidles up to Arthur. "As we always did," Arthur repeats. What? No 'hey, how've you been?' 'where the heck is my wife?' 'sorry my evil demon child tried to kill you'? Gah. Men... The Saxon reinforcements arrive. Oh, just go ahead and whip out the ruler boys. Sitting on a horse on the Saxon side, wearing a dead wolf on his head, is Damien. Ungrateful brat. Arthur decides to boost his men's morale by saying "our father in heaven and our mother of the earth...soon I shaaaall be taken into your house." Well, *that's* reassuring. "Let the sword that I die by cleanse me," he adds. I'm guessing he's going to Valhalla then. Sheesh. I can't believe I'm actually spouting knowledge I've gleaned from romance novels... Blah blah the Saxons start whooping and shouting and generally acting like a bunch of cocky nitwits. The Brits just stare silently. Arthur blinks expressionlessly and Lancelot looks disgusted. Or something. Actually, since Michael's idea of "troubled" tends to resemble "confused" there's no telling what the heck he's going for. Damien starts screaming like the raving psycho that he is and the Saxons charge. The Brits just sit on their duffs looking bored or mildly perturbed or perhaps confused. After a freaking *eternity*, Arthur and Lancelot draw their swords and nearly smack them into each other because somebody thought it would be a good idea to put Michael on Ed's left, forcing them to draw their swords from the small space between them. Neither one of them looks very confident about this battle but it could just be my imagination. The Brits charge and we cut to some stock footage from Braveheart. For some reason, that moment when the two sides meet makes me giggle. It looks like the first couple lines of guys are knocked down because they smashed their faces into the other guys' foreheads. Hee. That and I'm just plain weird. Fighting fighting...and more fighting. We break for a moment to check on the dead sisters. They're still dead. Those burning wood piles are *way* too close to the trees, but they have somehow managed to *not* start a forest fire. And we're back with Braveheart II, the lower budget, Mel Gibson-less version. Damien is walking all over a bunch of dead bodies, seemingly immune to the British soldiers all around him even though he's SHOUTING HIS FATHER'S NAME AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. He pauses to skewer a couple of guys, wipe the three droplets of blood off his cheek, readjust the dead wolf on his head, take a drink of water, and kiss the guy next to him passionately. No, not really, I was just seeing if you're still paying attention. Arthur stops fighting to shout back the name of his demon child back and Morgaine (still at the funeral of potential fire hazards) jumps as if she can hear him. For some reason, the battlefield is now tinted orange, as if they thought the way to reduce the likelihood of being sued for ripping off Braveheart was to throw in a few references to Traffic. There are flashbacks and explanatory voice-overs and some symbolism involving a deer and a wolf, but if I try to explain it I'm afraid I may never finish this blasted recap. Meanwhile, Morgaine hops on her horse and rides like a bat out of hell toward the battlefield. And now we have the obligatory long fight scene between Arthur and the Child of Satan, complete with lots of grunting and yelling. Arthur asks when Damien became his enemy. Damien says right about the time the twit writing this recap forgot that my name is actually "Mordrid". He gives Arthur a lovely arm wound, although since it's not in his sword arm it shouldn't matter right? Right? Sigh... Apparently it does. Damien finally rams his sword into...let me rephrase that. Damien finally stabs Arthur, unnecessarily wrenching the sword a few times to ensure maximum damage as well as give Arthur ample opportunity to stab Damien in return. Morgaine arrives just in time for Damien to die in her arms. Then we get a brief shot of Lancelot lying dead in the field somewhere. What the hell? When did that happen? I guess I should be grateful they even bothered to inform us that he died in battle, but I still feel ripped off. I mean, it's *Lancelot*. He couldn't have at least had a decent death scene? Bah. Arthur begs Morgaine to bring him home to Avalon as she sits staring off into space, wondering if she will ever get a decent leading role in anything other than a TV movie. Looks like the extras are back on paddling detail. I'm starting to wish one of them would just yell "Lady, could you maybe SIT DOWN while the boat is moving?" They stop, she waves her arms and the mists still stubbornly refuse to part. She tells Arthur that the Goddess has rejected them because She's apparently just as unforgiving as Gwen's God. Arthur gets the brilliant idea that they should make a "sacrifice" and hands her his sword. Remember Excalibur (tm), aka The Sword in the Stone (tm)? She throws it in the air where it freezes with the help of special effects and lights up like a Christmas tree, looking suspiciously like a Christian cross. Ah, symbolism. Real subtle. Not. The mists part and Morgaine props Arthur up so he can get a good look at Avalon before he croaks. She cries and the mists - apparently fed up with this 'now you see it, now you don't' shit - close again. And now we get a wrap-up monologue from the VOoMB. "Avalon faded from the world of men," she says. "The Saxons overran Britain...and the Goddess was forgotten." Gee, how cheerful. "Or so I was convinced," she adds mysteriously. We see her walking through the Convent of Seriously Depressed Women, past a group of people praying in front of a statue. "Until at last I realized...she had not been destroyed but had simply adopted another incarnation. And perhaps one day future generations will be able to bring her back as we knew her in the glory of Avalon." And we close on a shot of the statue...of the Virgin Mary. Excuse me for a moment while I dance around the room waving a copy of the DaVinci Code, laughing merrily. Wheeee! Normally, this is the point where I make some closing comments or try to make the recap look more like a review by giving my opinions of the movie such as "this movie (choose one: rocks, sucks rocks, brought me to a whole new level of unconsciousness)," but...well...this movie was three friggin' hours long. I am *so* done.