“Kingdom of Heaven”

Staring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Marton Csokas, Alexander 
Siddig, Ghassan Massoud, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, David Thewlis, 
Brendan Gleeson and Edward Norton (or his voice anyway)

Directed by: Ridley “What Character Development?” Scott

Okay, I’m going to try something different. Instead of 
watching this movie on a regular VCR and taking lengthy notes 
which I would then have to transcribe onto the computer, I’m 
going to watch this movie directly through the computer and 
toggle back and forth, typing my notes directly and then 
editing as I see fit. (I know I probably make it sound like I type 
all my recaps directly but, well...I lied. I just exchanged the 
words “paper” and “pencil” for “keyboard”.) I say this so that if 
this recap turns out to be a totally unfunny disaster of typos and 
nonsensical commentary you’ll know why. I should also warn you 
that my knowledge of religious history is somewhere in the range 
of zero. What little I may know has been gleaned from other 
movies, a PBS special or two, some romance novels and The DaVinci 
Code. So don’t be surprised if I start getting confused about 
names and events...basically everything plotwise.

Oh, goodie, I get to transcribe lengthy “this movie is based 
on a true story” subtitles. Joy. “It is almost 100 years since 
Christian armies from Europe seized Jerusalem” the utterly 
boring white font declares. “Europe suffers in the grip of 
repression and poverty. Peasant and lord alike flee to the 
Holy Land in search of fortune or salvation. One knight 
returns home in search of his son.” Great. A minute in and I 
already need to check myself for signs of consciousness. 

Fade in on a really pretty (and ominous) shot of a cross at 
dusk. I stop to giggle for a while because I just typoed “duck” 
and got a mental image of a duck wearing a cross and blessing 
people with his wing. I can’t help it – I’m easily amused. The 
boring white font declares that this is France in the year 1184. 
Yeah, because they spoke English in France back then. A couple 
guys are digging a grave next to the cross as snow drifts around 
them. Where are they, the Alps? We get a shot of the body laying 
nearby, wrapped in burlap or something. The wind blows a section 
of cloth aside, conveniently the section over the corpse’s face so 
we can see that it’s a female. A third guy – who appears to be a 
priest - kneels over her and rips the cross from her neck.

All three stop and look up when some men on horses ride their 
way. One of the gravediggers is forced to point out for the 
benefit of the audience more than his buddies that they are 
crusaders. They scramble to clear the path as they ride by. 
Among the crusaders is David Thewlis and Liam Neeson, the 
latter of which glances significantly at the body on the 
ground. We know this because the camera cuts to the body 
between shots of him, although his facial expression doesn’t 
seem to change. The diggers go to throw the body in the grave 
after the crusaders pass, but the third guy stops them by 
pointing out that she was a suicide so they should cut off her 
head first. Why? Isn’t she already going to hell? Or did I miss 
the part where they said she was also suspected of being a 
vampire?

We transition from one of the diggers swinging the axe to a 
blacksmith shop where Orlando Bloom is whanging the living 
hell out of a flaming piece of metal like he has some sort of 
personal vendetta against it. The blacksmith’s assistant 
nearby gives him a silent look like “Dude? It’s dead.” 

Back out on the countryside, we get brief expository dialogue 
between Liam and David, the gist of which is Liam is from 
around this place or something along those lines.

They arrive at the blacksmith shop and Orlando...fuck it, 
Balian glares at them. David says they need their horses shod 
and Balian nods at his assistant and the words “says yes” 
appear in the subcaptions. I wonder for a moment if the person 
in charge of the subtitles realizes that they’re supposed to 
used by the hearing impaired not the BLIND, but then David 
says “says yes” and I wonder if I should just turn the 
subtitles off and suffer through trying to decipher what 
everybody’s saying so I don’t make any more jokes that are 
totally unfounded.

Sometime later, David...damnit, Tobias takes his position as 
Lord of Exposition and tells Liam that it turns out Balian is 
the man he’s looking for, but he should know that the dead 
woman they passed on the way in was his wife, who killed 
herself after their child died at birth. 

Liam goes to talk to him anyway. Balian glares and angsts as 
Liam gives his sympathies for Balian’s loss. Liam blathers 
that he has also lost a loved one (or loved ones, I have no 
idea) and “some say Jerusalem is the very center of the world 
for asking for forgiveness. For myself, I call it here. Now.” 
Is there a point here somewhere and will he be getting to it 
any time soon? Because I love Liam Neeson, but I’m already 
getting tired of characters speaking in cryptic subtext. 
Balian silently inspects a horseshoe. If he doesn’t start 
doing more talking and less angsting this is going to be a 
long movie.

“I knew your mother,” Liam tries, and from the way he says it 
it’s pretty obvious he means that he knew her in a biblical 
sense. Then he says that it was “against her objections”. 
What? The man just lost his wife and kid and Liam thinks now 
is the time to tell him that he raped his mother and there’s 
probably a good chance that Balian is his bastard son? What 
does he expect, a tearful hug and a “hello Dad”? He quickly 
adds that he didn’t “force” her, and it was just his way of 
showing he loved her. That’s the logic of abusers everywhere, 
prick. He says that he is Balian’s father and he would like to ask 
him for forgiveness. And I’m going to transcribe Balian’s 
expression here as “is this guy fucking kidding me?” 

He brushes past Liam and starts pounding away at metal again. 
Liam says that his name is Godfrey and he is the baron of 
Ibelin, wherever that is and he has an army of a hundred men so if 
Balian could come with him he’d have a job and his eternal thanks. 
Balian tells him to go fuck himself. No, actually, he very 
politely declines but I figured everybody’s speaking in subtexts 
already so what the hell. Godfrey says Balian will not be seeing 
him again in that case, so if he wants anything he should speak up 
now. Balian says no and he says ‘okay then, goodbye!’ and scoots 
off. Wow. For all the effort he put into trying to connect with 
his long lost son he gave up awfully easy. 

Balian exits the smithy to watch him ride off and Godfrey 
gives him the following farewell: “Jerusalem is easy to find. 
You come to where the men speak Italian, then continue until 
they speak something else.” Thank you, oh wise master of 
linguistics. There’s a lot of land between Italy and 
Jerusalem, maybe you could be a bit more specific? Or was that 
entire portion of Europe completely unpopulated in the 12th 
century?

Sometime later, Balian is tending the fire when the guy who 
ordered the diggers to cut off his wife’s head earlier shows 
up to taunt him because he has all the subtle villainy of a 
hissing snake. He reminds Balian that he is his priest and 
therefore knows that “God has abandoned you” and “you will 
have no peace so long as you stay here”. Basically he says 
Balian has been outcast now that his wife cast herself into 
hell and he should have gone with the crusaders. Balian 
silently whangs the hell out of a strip of metal. I’m starting 
to wonder if I’ll be able to just cut and paste the majority 
of conversations involving him. “Balian glares at [fill in 
blank] silently.” “Balian whangs the hell out of something and 
generally unleashes a lot of pent up hostility on a bunch of 
inanimate objects.” 

The priest says if Balian takes the crusade he might “relieve” 
his wife’s position in hell. Then he says no, I’m putting that 
delicately, she killed herself so she’s already in hell. He’s 
behind Balian, however, so he can’t see the fire shooting from 
his eyes right now. Then the priest stupidly reveals that he 
had her head cut off. Yes, taunt the angry widower. That’s 
brilliant. Balian looks at the cross around the priests neck 
and snaps, stabbing him in the gut and throwing him in the 
fire. Then for some reason he drags the priest back out of the 
fire so he can run around frantically and set the entire 
blacksmith shop ablaze. Balian stares, strangely calm, at the 
cross in his burned hand as the priest collapses. Then he 
grabs his horse and takes off. 

It’s now morning again and it’s still snowing. Seriously, 
where in France is this? He catches up to Godfrey and his men 
in a forest. Godfrey asks if Balian has come to kill him. 
Well, if he had he probably wouldn’t have given you a warning 
if the last scene is any indication. Balian asks if it’s true 
that he can erase his sins if he goes to Jerusalem. Um...you 
killed a priest. My knowledge of Catholicism may be rusty but 
I’m pretty sure that you’re screwed no matter what you do. 
Godfrey says they can find out together. Aww. Father/son 
bonding. Over dead relatives and homicide. How sweet. 

Dusk. The crusaders (and Balian) have stopped for the night. 
Balian is curled under a blanket and it looks like they’re in 
the middle of a damn blizzard for crying out loud. Seriously, the 
last time I checked it doesn’t snow this much in France. The only 
thing that’s keeping me from writing this off as a complete 
inconsistency is the fact that it seems to be melting when it hits 
the ground. Godfrey drops a sword next to Balian, waking him, and 
tells him to pick it up so he can “see what you’re made of.” 
Tobias protests that his hand is injured. Godfrey says he once 
fought for two days with an arrow through his testicle. Thanks for 
that mental image. 

Godfrey barely gives Balian time to stand up before he comes 
at him, his own sword swinging and backs him into a tree. 
Balian manages a haphazard defense and Godfrey says that’s 
good, but he should never use a “low guard”. He then proceeds 
to teach him how to use a “high guard”. Basically this is 
another weird bonding moment. Clang clang they end up in a 
clinch and Godfrey swings the base up, stopping just short of 
Balian’s face. “The blade isn’t the only part of a sword,” he 
grits. Thank you, Mr. Miyagi. Although it’s nice to see 
someone address that cliché. Then Balian tries to attack and 
Godfrey sends his sword sailing through the air effortlessly. 
One of Godfrey’s men – let’s call him Lars - takes his place as 
Balian picks it up. What is this? Let’s gang up on the new guy? 

Some men on horses ride up as they’re fighting and announce 
that the lord bishop has sent them to retrieve Balian, you 
know, since he killed a priest and all. Why bother bringing 
him back? Why not just kill him now and get it over with? 
Balian admits to his father that they’re telling the truth but 
Lars says “I say he’s innocent.” Um, he just confessed. And he 
wasn’t even under duress. Even a modern day lawyer couldn’t dance 
around that one. After much backtalk and posturing they agree to 
fight to the death over it and let God decide who is guilty of 
what (as if She could give a rats ass). Arrows start flying, 
horses are needlessly injured and Lars takes an arrow to the neck. 
Godfrey, suddenly on a horse, stabs a guy as he charges past and 
then takes an arrow to the side. Balian, meanwhile, takes out 
about a half a dozen guys without so much as a scratch. And he 
only has one good hand. Sigh.

Clang clang clang graphic violence worthy of Braveheart. Lars 
is still alive, somehow, and he manages to kill several men as 
if he’s not bleeding to death from the arrow lodged in his 
right carotid artery. Clang clang another of Godfrey’s men 
goes down. Cut to Balian, killing another “bad guy” and 
spinning around just in time to see a man riding toward him, 
bloody sword extended. The guy just taps him on the head with 
it, though, (with a loud clang like maybe he has a metal plate 
in his head or something) and we realize that it’s just 
Tobias. This marks the first of many fakeouts during this 
movie where we are supposed to believe that Balian might 
actually die. At this point, however, I actually almost cared.

“Thank the bishop for his love,” Godfrey snarls before 
splitting some guys head open like an overripe melon. Ew. Lars 
finally goes down, approximately a half a dozen arrows 
sticking out of him. Later, he is laid out next to the other 
guy who never had any lines and I guess they’re just going to 
leave them out in the open like that for the wild animals. 
Tobias removes the arrow from Godfrey’s side and says if it 
broke his ribs then his “marrow” will enter his bloodstream 
and he’ll catch a fever and die. That or he’ll form a “cyst” 
and live. Whatever. It’s in God’s hands now. Godfrey asks for 
more wine. Unfortunately, I think he just wants to use it as a 
painkiller instead of pouring it on the wound to prevent 
infection because Pasteur would not be around for another 700 
years. Godfrey calls his son over and explains that the 
problem was not that those men had no right to take him, “it 
was the way they asked”. Snort. So if they had asked nicely, 
you would have just handed him over? Good to know...

Boring white font of location: “Pilgrim Camp – Road to 
Messina”. Some guy is standing on a hill, preaching about 
killing infidels being the path to heaven. The remaining group 
of crusaders ride past, glaring into the general distance and 
pretending he doesn’t exist, which is how I usually deal with 
people screaming religious drivel in public. They stop at the camp 
and Tobias begins poking at Godfrey’s wound again. The leader of 
the pilgrims demands to know who Balian is. Godfrey tells him it’s 
his son and the leader grins and says “would I had fought you when 
you were still capable of making bastards.” Yeah, I have no idea 
what he means by that. “I knew your mother when she was making 
hers,” Godfrey sneers back. “Fortunately, you are too old to be 
one of mine.” Oooo, snap! Commander Asshat just laughs and 
walks away.

And now we’re at “Messina – Port to the Holy Land”. There’s 
people in battle gear everywhere and ships in the water and 
basically it looks like your average tourist trap during 
summer vacation. Although with the clear waves crashing on the 
rocks and the seagulls flying overhead it’s kinda pretty... 
yeah, I miss California.

Godfrey is brought to some sort of temple or something. 
Somebody is speaking French in the background but judging by 
the accent he is probably not from France, which means either 
we’re in another French speaking area or they got somebody who 
doesn’t actually speak French to say the line. Considering this is 
Hollywood, I’m betting on the latter. And then we’re in the 
infirmary sometime later and Godfrey asks Balian “Do you know what 
lies in the Holy Land,” in a way that suggests an important 
monologue is coming up. “A new world.” Blah blah a poor man from 
France can be “master of the city” and a rich man can turn into a 
beggar. “There, at the end of the world, you are not what you were 
born but what you have it in yourself to be.” That’s some awfully 
high expectations for a spit of blood-speckled sand. Balian says 
he just wants to find forgiveness. Godfrey says that since Balian 
is his child he will also “serve the king of Jerusalem.” And I 
guess I should transcribe the following dialogue, although it 
sounds a bit off to me:

Balian: What could a king ask of a man like me?
Godfrey: A better world than has ever been seen. A kingdom of 
conscience. A kingdom of heaven. 

I’m not sure how that answers the question, but whatever. 
“There is peace between Christian and Muslim,” he continues. 
Nurse! This man having delusions! He says peace is what lies at 
the end of the crusade, or some such bull and Balian is all he has 
left of his bloodline so “do not disappoint me.” No pressure or 
anything.

Outside, Balian and some guy I think was traveling with their 
group but whose actual role has been pretty negligible until 
now watch a group of Muslims chanting and praying to Mecca. 
The guy translates what they are saying: “Subhena Rabi 
Alladin...Praise be to God.” “Sounds like our prayers,” Balian 
says, instantly earning my respect. 

They’re eating something that looks like it may or may not be 
completely dead when Commander Asshat saunters up and blithers 
something about the Holy Land [ETA: not to be confused with 
“Holly Land” which is where they grow Christmas plants] will 
not be a place for “friends of Muslims” or “traitors to 
Christendom...like your father” once the king is dead. He 
introduces himself as Guy de Lusignan and thwacks Balian in 
the nose a couple times with a...baton. I don’t know the name 
for those things. Scepter? Balian snatches it away and Guy 
shrugs and stalks off. Balian stops him with a sneer about 
needing his stick to beat his horse and throws it at him. The 
translator points out that that man will be the king of Jerusalem 
one day. Thank you, Good Sir Exposition.

That night...I guess...the translator drags Balian to the 
infirmary with an urgency that can only mean Liam Neeson’s 
role in this movie will soon be over. He looks like crap and 
is surrounded by Tobias, a few other people and at least a 
couple dozen candles. Balian kneels in front of Godfrey, who 
is helped into a standing position so he can give the 
following speech: “Be without fear in the face of your 
enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak 
the truth, always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard 
the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath.” He gives 
Balian his ring and then hauls off and slaps him, making his 
head snap to the side, probably more out of surprise than 
actual force because Godfrey looks like he has all the 
strength of a newborn kitten at the moment. Bitter guys 
everywhere cackle with glee and shout “do it again!” but 
Godfrey just stumbles and falls back into his chair. Tobias 
retrieves a nearby sword, which is given to Balian as Tobias 
declares him knighted. He stands up momentarily, only to kneel 
back down and catch Godfrey as he pitches forward. “Defend the 
king,” Godfrey hisses. “If the king is no more, protect the 
people.” Tobias steps in and tells Godfrey that he should be 
confessing his sins to God, not his son. Godfrey says he regrets 
all but one of those sins and passes out or perhaps dies while 
Tobias blesses him with holy water.

Next day or so. Tobias sends Balian and the translator off to 
Jerusalem, promising to follow within the week. Blahdi blah if God 
has a purpose for you in Jerusalem, you’ll survive the trip, if 
not...well, you’re fucked, but it was nice knowing you. 

It was a dark and stormy night... Balian is on a ship and there is 
thunder and lightning and waves and other ominous crap. Then the 
crew is all huddled in the hold of the ship, peeing themselves and 
probably praying furiously as they listen to the crashing and 
creaking. And then the ship capsizes and we cut to black. Brief 
shot of debris floating in the water. If nothing else, the photography 
in this movie is pretty. Then Balian wakes up on a beach 
somewhere looking like a drowned rat (but somehow still clutching 
his sword). There are dead bodies all around him so I guess we’re 
supposed to assume he was the only survivor. Bit heavy handed 
on the whole “this is your destiny” theme, isn’t it? I would ask if 
this actually happened to the guy this character was based on, but 
as I recall nobody really knows anything about him. He 
staggers over to one of the bodies and grabs his water bottle, 
gulping about half of it. At least I hope it’s water. The closed 
captioning tells me that a horse whinnies in the distance at this 
point. It’s a good thing it said that because I would have guessed 
it was the wail of a dying seagull. 

Balian finds the horse caught in the netting in a piece of the 
wreckage. How the hell did that happen? The horse wasn’t 
actually on the ship, was it? Or are we actually supposed to 
believe that the lone survivors of the wreck were Balian and a 
horse? Ow, anvil. Balian frees the horse, which promptly runs 
off down the beach. Balian chases it, getting all of five feet 
before stumbling because he was just in a shipwreck for god’s 
sake. That or whatever he was slugging out of that cask is 
kicking in.

So he ends up walking through the desert. Yeah, that’s a good 
plan. He stops at a watering hole and the horse just happens 
to arrive on the other side of the hole, nickering mockingly 
and generally laughing at the lazy human’s inability to keep 
up. Balian manages to catch him this time. 

So he and the horse are resting under the shade of a desert 
fern when a couple of guys ride up, yammering in Arabic. One 
tells Balian (in perfect English no less) that the horse 
belongs to the other Arab guy because it’s on his land. Balian 
protests that he found it by the sea. Guy #1 translates this 
and Guy #2 shouts that he is a liar and challenges him to a 
duel. Balian says he doesn’t want to fight. Guy #1 says then 
give him the horse. Balian sighs and draws his sword. Heh. Guy 
#2 rides at him, sword swinging. Balian relieves him of this 
weapon and he draws another one out of the ether or something 
and makes another pass, Balian easily deflecting him again. 
Balian shouts at him to get off his damn horse and fight fair. 
Guy #1 says he doesn’t have to because he’s a knight so 
pbbbtttt. Balian says yeah, well I’m the baron of Ibelin, so 
ha! Arabic chatter. Guy #1 says Guy #2 knew the baron of 
Ibelin and he’s “old”. Balian says he’s the new one. 
Surprisingly, the Arabic guys believe him. 

Guy #2 jumps off his horse and charges at Balian. Clang clang 
clang. Guy #1 starts yelling at #2 to stop, which of course he 
won’t, and finally Balian slits his throat and blood sprays 
everywhere, accompanied by a ridiculously loud squirting sound 
effect. Guy #1 falls off his horse and Balian stands over him, 
sword pointed at his throat. The camera cuts to Balian’s face 
as he stabs down into what we’re supposed to assume is Guy 
#1’s neck. And then the camera goes back to Guy #1 and we see 
the sword is actually a foot away from him. That was actually 
a pretty good mislead. Balian says he’s taking the death of 
his “master” very well. Guy #1, good Muslim that he is, says it 
was what god willed and are you going to kill me now? But of 
course, Balian is the hero of the story so he just says “take me 
to Jerusalem” like he’s Guy #1’s “master” now, which, I suppose, 
is entirely likely.

Jerusalem. People everywhere, milling around, soldiers... Arab 
guy admires Balian’s horse. Balian says he can take it. Arab 
guy goggles and says it’s his “battle prize” and he is 
Balian’s prisoner now so he’s not going anywhere anyway. 
Balian says he experienced something very near slavery (huh?) 
and therefore balks at the idea of keeping a slave himself so, 
you know, scram. Arab guy just hops back on his own horse and 
says the man Balian killed was a great Muslim cavalier. Balian 
promises to pray for him and Arab guy predicts that his 
reputation will reach his enemies before him. I’ll assume he 
means his reputation for being noble and fair and not “he’ll 
be easy to overthrow”.

So of course Balian makes a trip to the place where Jesus was 
crucified (which takes the rest of the day apparently) and 
asks God, in voice over, what the hell s/he wants him to do 
now. Then he buries his wife’s cross under some dirt and a 
pile of rocks and voice overs “how can you be in hell when 
you’re here in my heart?” I’m not entirely certain what came 
after this line because I was too busy vomiting. 

A group of menacing (sort of) looking guys follow Balian 
through a crowded market. He stops at a water fountain and 
draws his sword. The group leader (a fairly big bald guy) 
recognizes the sword as Godfrey’s and says Balian must have 
known him. Then he tries to trick him by describing Godfrey as 
“a man my size” with “green eyes”. “Blue,” Balian corrects, 
thus passing the test. Baldy says come with us then, “my 
lord”.

And then Balian is asleep in a palace or something when a 
couple of girls run in, open the shutters and run back out, 
giggling. And there’s a lot of shots of smoke that I assume is 
either being created by incense or opium. Yeah, I don’t know 
what’s going on. And I really don’t care. I’m only a half an 
hour into this movie and I’m bored. Oh and there’s a couple 
more girls standing in the doorway to Balian’s room which 
makes me wonder if he’s inherited a few stalkers.

So he goes down into the main courtyard and finds a couple 
guys trying to calm a frantic horse. He rushes to stop them, 
saying they’re hurting it and starts petting it and talking to 
it. Yes, I believe we got that he’s really good with horses a 
few scenes ago, thanks. He gets distracted as a veiled woman 
rides in and demands to know where his master is. He says he 
doesn’t have one. She pulls the scarf from her face, causing 
several Arab men to scream and clutch their chests in horror, 
and demands that he give her some water. He gets a ladle from 
a nearby bucket and they share a lengthy, significant glance 
as she drinks. Then she says thank you and if he happens to 
see Balian, “tell him Sibylla called” and then she rides off 
again. She’s going to feel very foolish soon... Balian spots 
Tobias and smiles, which...when did Tobias get there?

Inside, Balian whines to Tobias that God is not speaking to 
him and he’s “outside God’s grace” and he’s “lost” his 
religion. Tobias says he doesn’t put much stock in “religion” 
because by the word “religion” he has “seen the lunacy of 
fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God.” I 
love that line, but it’s sort of a glaringly modern thing to 
say isn’t it? He says holiness is in doing the right thing and 
defending those who can’t defend themselves and he has to make 
the choice to be a good person in the things that he does 
every day. I think I love him.

He takes Balian to the “office of the Marshall of Jerusalem” 
where some crusaders (identifiable by the giant red crosses on 
their uniforms) are being hung in the courtyard. Tobias 
exposits that the king has “made a peace” with the Arab ruler 
Saladin the past six years, claiming Jerusalem a place of 
worship “for all faiths”. The men being hung are Templars and 
they killed Arabs. Yeah, all I know about the Templars is that 
they supposedly found the Holy Grail beneath the ruins of the 
Temple of Solomon but nobody knows anything much about them. 
This blatant plug for The DaVinci Code brought to you by the 
Bailey’s I have been drinking for the last hour. I think the 
alcohol is finally starting to kick in. Balian points out that 
they’re basically dying for what the pope would command them 
to do. Tobias says yeah, but Jesus wouldn’t have commanded it. 
Heh. Nice.

And now we are introduced to the two best characters of the 
movie, played by Jeremy Irons and Brendan Gleeson. Turns out 
somebody accused Brendan of raiding, but it’s their word 
against his. Jeremy, aka Tiberias, says there will come a day 
when Brendan, aka Reynald de Chatillon, will not be protected 
by his title. “Oh? When will that be,” Reynald asks in a funny 
little mock-innocent voice. Or maybe it’s just funny because 
I’m getting drunk. Whatever. I don’t care. Hee. Tiberias says 
he knows Reynald commanded the raid the Templars are being 
hung for and Reynald flippantly says “prove it.” More threats 
are exchanged and Reynald leaves. Tobias and Balian arrive and 
Balian inspects a model of the castle at Helm’s Deep. No, 
wait...scratch that. The castle of the Holy Land. My bad. 
Tiberias takes one look at Balian and says “it’s true. You are 
your father’s son.” I think this is the point when I leaned 
over to my mother in the theater and muttered “yeah, because 
they look *so* much alike.” “It must be the blue eyes,” she 
fired back. This is why I love going to movies with her. Tiberias 
says Godfrey was his friend so he is Balian’s and what’s this I 
hear about you killing a lord of Syria? Saladin himself declared 
it justified and refused to press charges. I mean declare war. I 
think I need more Bailey’s. 

Balian takes this opportunity to play exposition fairy. Blah 
blah Saladin is the king of the Saracens (a band of Muslims) 
and has 2,000 men in Damascus alone. If he decided to declare 
war he could easily win. Blah blah the world is a better place 
as long as the king and Saladin stand between the fanatical 
wingnuts on both sides. “What did your father tell you of 
your...obligations,” Tiberias asks. “Only that I should crawl 
before you and call you master,” Balian replies. Oh, not. But 
if I pass up one more opportunity to shout HOYAY at the screen 
I may explode. Actually he says that he is to be a “good 
knight.” Tiberias just blinks and says he prays the world and 
Jerusalem “can accommodate such a rarity as a perfect knight.” 
Wha? Then he asks if they’ve eaten yet, solely for the purpose 
of connecting this scene to the next one. 

And at this point I stopped and came back to the recap about a 
week later, so now I will be sober for the next few pages. I 
may not be all that coherent, however, as I just woke up a 
couple hours ago and I’m still waiting for the caffeine to kick 
in. Wish me luck.

So now we’re in a courtyard or something and there’s a long 
banquet table and a guy announces “Princess Sibylla of 
Jerusalem and her husband Guy de Lusignan.” They sit at the 
table with all the major players and Balian and Sibylla stare 
at each other meaningfully. Tiberias talks shop with Guy. Blah 
blah 50 knights in France swore allegiance to the king, 
although it may or may not have been voluntary. Guy finally 
notices Balian and they snit back and forth a little and Guy 
announces that he doesn’t want to eat anymore because he’s 
“finicky” about his company and blah blah bastard. He has 
“business” in the East (probably in a whore house) and his 
wife “does not lament my absences” so she is either the best 
wife in the world or the worst, take your pick. Tiberias asks 
if he’s going to see Reynald and he says hell no, he’s not 
taking sides with that “troublemaker”. Then he tosses his wine 
goblet at a servant and saunters off and he may as well have 
“I am a two-faced asshole” sewn onto his robe. Silence as 
everyone feels sorry for Sibylla and then Tiberias makes a 
toast to the “the very best of wives”. Like I said: best 
character in the movie. Love him. Love, love, love. Some 
servant delivers a message that the king would like to see 
Balian and Sibylla eagerly offers “I’ll take him.” Yeah, she’s 
practically leaping out of her seat like “Oo! Oo! Let me do 
it!” Uh-huh. No ulterior motives there.

En route, Balian apologizes for not recognizing her this 
morning. She says she recognized him: “it’s unmistakable”. 
Again, I fail to see a resemblance. Then she says she “loved” 
his father and she shall love Balian as well and...ew. Guess 
that answers Guy’s question on what kind of wife she is. Not 
that I blame her. Balian looks understandably uncomfortable at the 
suggestion that she has slept with his father and she asks “do you 
fear being with me?” Okay, I can’t be the only one reading between 
the lines on this, can I? Is she just blatantly saying she 
routinely whores herself out to visiting knights or...what? He 
says no...and yes. Heh. Yeah, she’s pretty sneaky. You might have 
to check to make sure you still have all your valuables and 
internal organs when she’s done with you. Then she says a woman in 
her position has two “faces: One for the world and one which she 
wears in private. With you I’ll be only Sibylla.” The floorboard 
creaks and some nearby guard ducks back behind a wall, pretending 
he didn’t just hear them talking about cheating on her husband. 
She explains that Tiberias thinks she’s unpredictable, which she 
is, and I guess he’s sending servants to watch her and make sure 
she doesn’t kidnap random cute knights, screw them blind and then 
bite their heads of or something. Then she points him in the right 
direction and skips off to light a few candles and cast a few 
spells.

King’s chambers. A cloaked Ed Norton invites Balian in and 
says he’s glad to meet the son of Godfrey because “he was one 
of my greatest teachers”. We see his bandaged hands as he 
tells a story about getting his arm cut when he was a boy and 
Godfrey noticed before the physicians that he didn’t feel any 
pain which really doesn’t say much for the royal physicians 
and he cried when he told the then-king that his son was a 
leper. He pulls back his hood as he says this to reveal an 
eerie metal mask covering his face. Blah blah the Saracens 
think leprosy is God’s way of punishing the vain Christians, 
much like homophobes thought AIDS was God’s way of punishing 
gay men until children started to be born with it, but they 
assure him that the punishment waiting for him in hell is far 
worse. Isn’t it always? He doesn’t think that’s fair, which, 
yeah, no shit. Then he invites Balian to sit at a table with a 
chess board on it. Great. Here come the game analogies. 

He says he won a “great victory” when he was 16 and thought he 
would live to be 100 (which would have been a bloody miracle in 
the 12th century) but now he knows he won’t live to see 30. 
“You see, none of us choose our end, really. A king may move a 
man...” he moves a pawn and I notice that his side of the board is 
white and Balian’s is black which matches their outfits and what 
is this supposed to say about Balian? “A father may claim a son. 
But remember that even when those who move you be kings or men of 
power, your soul is in your keeping alone.” And the captioning 
died for a moment here, like it was getting bored and went for a 
cup of coffee or something. Speaking of which, I think I need more 
caffeine because I’m not nearly awake enough yet for all this 
analogy and symbolism. And when he stands before God he can say 
that he was doing what other men told him to do (yeah, because 
that makes it all right) or that “virtue was not convenient at the 
time”, which is probably the official mantra of President Junior’s 
administration. “This will not suffice...remember that,” he 
concludes. Oh, okay. Balian says he will and the king whose name I 
can’t think of right now tells him to go to his father’s house in 
Ibelin and “protect the pilgrim road” and safeguard the helpless 
and stop me if you’ve heard this before and maybe one day “you 
will come and protect me.” He smiles and nods and we cut to some 
crusaders riding across the desert, Balian among them.

They arrive at Ibelin, which appears to be a three-house 
village of two small stone castles and a mud hut. Yippee. 
Balian rides into the center of the village and a guy yammers 
in Arabic and gestures wildly, indicating that Balian should 
come with him and he walks out onto a balcony overlooking what 
looks like farmland and can I go to sleep now? Apparently, he 
is now the baron of a thousand acres and a hundred families, 
all poor farmers from varying religions. Balian points out that 
they don’t have water though. Well, duh, you’re in the desert.

So now we get scenes of all the villagers digging (and of 
course Balian joins them but manages not to get as dirty as 
the others) and finally one guy finds water. And apparently 
Balian speaks Arabic now. And...yeah, that’s about all you 
need to know about this scene.

This heartwarming scene of domesticity and teamwork is 
interrupted when Sibylla arrives, claiming she is on her way 
to “Cana” and proceeds to taunt and flirt some more with 
Balian. He welcomes her to the village, which can only lead to 
trouble. And then she’s bathing in one of the rooms and 
watching Balian crawl around on some big wooden contraption 
outside and if you can’t see where this is going by now you 
haven’t been paying attention.

Some time later, they are lounging outside somewhere and she’s 
shoving her face with something and he’s staring at her like a 
lovesick puppy. She giggles and asks “what?” He says it seems 
like it’s been years since he’s watched a woman eat and she 
says oh, reeeally? and I nearly fall out of my chair giggling 
like a lunatic. Yes, my mind is currently in the gutter. Join 
me, won’t you? She says she was watching him earlier, awed 
that he seems to be on the path to turning a “patch of dirt” 
into the new Jerusalem. I’d say she was more impressed by his 
manly posing and the way he was covered in dirt and sweat, but 
whatever. He says he’s just trying to make it better. Yawn.

Later, Balian watches the Muslims of the village praying and 
Sibylla is in the background somewhere but I’m too distracted 
by Balian’s bare chest to figure out what the hell she’s doing. 
No, I’m not shallow. I’m just impressed by the sudden increase in 
muscle tone Orlando has had since his last movie. Okay, maybe I’m 
a little shallow. Bite me. He puts his shirt back on and the faint 
buzzing in the background resolves into Sibylla’s voice as she 
says that her marriage to Guy was arranged by her mother when she 
was 15, so, you know, the upcoming adultery is totally justified 
because she doesn’t love him and blah blah stop me if you’ve heard 
this before. Then we cut to another scene of her gawking at him 
from a distance just to put some time between that revelation and 
the next scene.

Night. Orlando...I mean Balian...damn it. I don’t think the 
coffee I’m drinking has enough caffeine. Balian is sitting at 
a desk, scribbling on a piece of velum or whatever the hell it 
is when Sibylla saunters up to the doorway and asks why he 
thinks she’s here. Dur...is that a trick question? He says 
well, for one thing, Ibelin is not on the way to Cana. Wow. 
She has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. She says she 
didn’t come to him because she’s bored or “wicked” but because 
“in the East, between one person and another...there is only 
light.” Yeah, I have no idea what she means by that. And 
apparently this computer doesn’t either and has grown bored of 
this movie because WinDVD just crashed on me. Damn it. She blows 
out the candle in her hand and then the weirdest, most distracting 
music starts playing and completely distracts me from the fact 
that they are kissing and falling onto a bed and ripping each 
other’s clothes off. Seriously, it has this woman singing in 
Arabic and it sounds like she’s in pain and needs somebody to put 
her out of her misery, like, now.

Now there’s a bunch of Crusaders riding around somewhere and I 
have no idea what’s going on because I stopped after that last 
paragraph and put the recap aside for a couple weeks. Or maybe 
it’s because half of the scene changes in this movie are 
abrupt and make no sense. I guess it’s Guy and Reynald’s group 
and they’re attacking a caravan. Guy wants to avoid 
repercussions of attack but Reynald assures him that everyone 
will think it’s Reynald anyway because he’s a freaking loony 
toon. He says if there is to be a war he’d rather have it now 
because “how long can the lepur last?” Huh? One of the men 
translates this to the group as “god wills it”. Yeah, not even 
close. I’m pretty sure God has nothing to do with this. Slow 
motion charge into battle. Clang clang. The prop or makeup guy 
chucks a bucketful of fake blood on Guy’s deranged face. 

We’re back in the courtyard where Tiberias is informing the 
assembly that Guy and Reynald attacked a Saracen caravan with 
the help of the Templars. Some guy who is apparently acting as 
Guy’s attorney argues that it was actually an army headed for 
Bethlehem to “desecrate the birthplace of our lord”. 
Coughbullshitcough. Tiberias says whatever, they broke the 
king’s pledge of peace and now Saladin is going to come into 
this kingdom and...well he doesn’t say because Guy interrupts 
to snit that Tiberias knows more about Saladin’s intentions 
than any Christian has a reason to know. Oh for...ass. 
Tiberias sneers that it is only because he is a peaceful man 
by nature that Guy is still alive. Heh. Have I mentioned that I 
love him? He continues his argument that they should not go to war 
with Saladin because it’s political suicide (I’m 
extrapolating here) and they “may not” win. “Blasphemy,” Guy’s 
lawyer shouts. Your momma! What? Like that makes any less 
sense? There’s arguing in the courtyard and one of the 
crusaders says that the army of Christ cannot be beaten. Why? 
Because they pray to the right God to protect them? Give me a 
break. Guy’s lawyer says there must be war because God wills 
it. Everyone starts repeating this stupid phrase. “Would you 
morons stop blaming me for your stupid wars,” God mutters. 
“What part of ‘love thy neighbor’ do you not understand?” 

Somebody hands the king a message and he announces that 
“Saladin has crossed the Jordan with 200,000 men”. Tiberias 
sneers at Guy that he’s probably headed for Kerak in search of 
Reynald then moves closer to the king so they can speak in 
relative privacy. The king says they have to stop him before 
he reaches Kerak (why? Let him kill Reynald, then intercept 
him) and he will lead the army. Tiberias protests that if he 
travels he will die. “Send word to Balian to protect the 
villagers,” he says somberly and orders the men to assemble 
the army. They cheer and Guy looks evil.

Elsewhere, Balian and Sibylla walk out into a courtyard where 
people stare at them suspiciously. Or knowingly. Or maybe I’m 
imagining things. He helps her onto her horse and she asks 
what will happen to them now. Well, I’m pretty sure if your 
husband finds out you will both die very violent deaths. “The 
world will decide,” he says. “The world always decides.” What 
is the difference, exactly, between the world’s decision and 
God’s will? They sound pretty similar to me. They are 
interrupted by shouting as a horse runs into the village, its 
rider slumped in the saddle, spilling blood everywhere. One of 
the guys who runs to take care of it announces to Balian that 
the king is marching on Kerak. What? Did somebody shoot the 
messenger? 

Cut to “Kerak Castle – Stronghold of Reynald de Chatillon”. 
Who are these people and why are they running across the 
desert? Balian and his men ride up and I may be alone on this 
but I think the crusader helmet and chainmail makes Orlando 
look ridiculous. (Yes, I see the irony in this considering he 
rode to fame on a trilogy where he had long blond hair and 
wore tights, but he actually managed to make that look good). 
The guy who is apparently in charge of explaining everything 
that’s going on spews the following exposition: “Saracen 
cavalry. They’re coming to close Reynald in. These people are 
not safe outside the walls. Saladin will certainly come behind 
them.” The who in the what? Screw caffeine, I think I need to 
go back to the Bailey’s. Maybe this’ll make more sense if I 
raise my blood alcohol level. Balian looks worried and not 
unlike an inexperienced kid who wants to take his father’s 
place but doesn’t have a clue in the world what he’s supposed 
to do now. I think I just described Bush Jr. Yech. I 
definitely need alcohol. 

The Saracen army marches forward, shouting in Arabic so we 
know which side they’re on. Balian tells Sibylla to go inside 
and she, amazingly, follows without even a hint of reluctance. 
There’s a lot of charging but I’m not sure where everyone’s 
going or their relative position to anybody else. Some guy 
rides back and forth in front of the crusaders in search of 
Balian and tells him that Reynald has asked that he bring his 
men into Kerak. Balian says no thanks, they’re needed out here to 
hold the Saracen army back until the king arrives. One guy on the 
end of the line says “What?! Screw you, I’m going in.” Or not. The 
messenger says hey, it’s your funeral and leaves. The guy who is 
apparently Balian’s right hand man points out that they are 
outnumbered and can’t possibly win. What a shock. We see the 
armies from Sibylla’s point of view up on a balcony. It looks like 
about a dozen guys facing off against a thousand-man army. And 
since the former is led by the movie’s main protagonist it’s 
painfully obvious that they are going to win in spite of these 
ridiculous odds. Yes, I am groaning right now. And drinking.

[Ring ring]
Answering machine: This is Christine Anscher. I am either 
   unable to come to the phone right now or I saw your name 
   print out on the caller ID and I don’t want to talk to you. 
   If you can’t think of a reason I might want to avoid you, 
   go ahead and leave your name and number after the beep. 
   Otherwise, hang up and call somebody who gives a damn.
[BEEP]
Diandra: Pick up, Chrissy, I know you’re home. 
[noise of receiver being picked up]
Chrissy: You don’t follow directions well, do you?
Diandra: Oh, whatever. I know you put that message on the 
   machine for your ex-boyfriend’s benefit and now you’re just 
   using it to mess with me.
Chrissy: Okay, but if you want company while you work on a 
   recap it’d better be for something interesting.
Diandra: Er...yes?
Chrissy: (sigh) It’s for “Kingdom of Heaven”, isn’t it?
Diandra: Yeah, but I’m halfway through already, I swear! 
Chrissy: (grumbling) Fine.
Diandra: I love you!
Chrissy: Yeah, yeah...[click]

Slow motion charge à la every war movie post Braveheart. Lots 
of moaning women on the soundtrack. Up close, the odds look 
even worse. The horses kick dust at the camera and I get 
“Black Hawk Down” flashbacks. Then, just as the armies meet, the 
music totally dies. The silence is broken by swords whistling, men 
yelling and various other sound effects associated with battle. 
Okay, that was kinda cool. Balian is knocked off his horse 
immediately. Total chaos. I’m not really sure who’s who under all 
the helmets and chainmail, especially since the camera is wobbling 
like crazy and blood is spurting everywhere. Is there a rule 
somewhere that says every wound made in a war movie, no matter how 
severe, has to gush blood like an artery was severed? Balian takes 
off his headgear which is a really stupid thing to do but it makes it easier 
for the audience to pick him out of the crowd. Clang clang 
clang. Balian manages to kill several guys before being 
clocked in the head a couple times and going down like a sack 
of bricks. Why they’re just beating him up instead of, I don’t 
know, STABBING HIM is unclear. 

Sibylla looks dejected. I guess from that distance she didn’t 
see the COMPLETE LACK OF ANY STABBING OR BLOOD and 
thinks he’s dead or something.

And I guess the battle is over now. What’s left of the 
crusading army has been subdued and is just lounging around in 
the sand while a couple of Saracen’s drag Balian’s possibly 
unconscious body over to what looks like their commanding 
officer. He drags his sword through Balian’s hair and we cut 
to a shot of his hand plunging the sword down in slow motion. 
The crusaders don’t react at all. I remember being completely 
unaffected by this too when I saw it in the theater. I suspect 
now that part of it may have been that I just wasn’t fooled by 
the obvious fake-out, but I’m pretty sure a lot of it was 
because I honestly didn’t give a shit. Balian blinks at the 
sword piercing the sand two inches from his nose and wearily 
lifts his head to squint at the Saracen holding it, who 
declares that Balian’s quality will be known among his 
enemies. Gee, let me guess who this is. I like the parallel, 
but my head is starting to hurt from the weight of the anvils 
falling on it. “You were not that man’s servant,” Balian 
rasps. No shit, but I’ll give Balian the benefit of the doubt 
here since he did just take a blow to the head. 

I honestly have no idea what the next few lines of dialogue are 
supposed to mean, but it involves the phrase “you reap what you 
sow”. Arab guy (what the hell is his name?) gives them permission 
to go into Kerak but warns that they will die there. Then he gawks 
as a backup army of crusaders appears from the distance like a 
mirage and he tells one of his men to inform Saladin that 
“Jerusalem has come”. Sure enough, the new guys are carrying a 
ridiculously huge cross and are led by King Baldwin (yes, I just 
remembered his name but just so you know I might slip and call him 
“Balian” in the future). The commanders meet in the middle and we 
cut quickly to Sibylla, who informs the audience that one of these 
guys is Saladin. He and Baldwin stare each other down. Saladin 
tells Baldwin in a passive-aggressive manner to pull back his men 
and get out. Baldwin says, basically, ‘you first’. They agree to 
talk it out or something and Saladin promises to send Baldwin some 
of his physicians.

Baldwin rides to the castle and is greeted by Reynald. And now 
I’m confused because Balian and all the rest of the men are 
already there. How did that happen? Baldwin waves his staff at 
Reynald and orders him to get on his knees. Reynald snivels 
and acts like a dog who knows he’s done something wrong and is 
anticipating a rolled up newspaper to his butt. Great. That 
just gave me the worst mental image. 

[Chrissy arrives to find Diandra laying on the floor with a 
pillow over her face. She sees the image of Baldwin waving a 
stick at a kneeling Reynald, rolls her eyes and confiscates 
Diandra’s alcohol]

Okay, I think I can move on now. Baldwin whips off his glove 
and orders Reynald to kiss his hand. 
   Chrissy: “And while you’re at it, bark like a dog, lick my 
    boots and call me master!”
   Diandra: You’ve been here a minute and you’re already 
    trying to gross me out?
   Chrissy: Hey, you were the one who was so bored you needed 
    me to come over and entertain you.
Reynald does so (with way too much enthusiasm) and Baldwin 
slaps him very violently multiple times. Then Baldwin 
collapses and Tiberias orders a couple of men to take him 
before standing over Reynald, gloating. Reynald: What are you 
looking at? Tiberias: A dead man. The sooner the better. He 
places Reynald under arrest and declares him condemned.

Several crusaders stare wide-eyed as Baldwin calls Balian over 
to his makeshift gurney. Baldwin says at this rate he may have 
to find a better use for Balian. “If God can spare you, that 
is.” “God does not know me,” Balian says. “Yes, but I do,” 
Baldwin murmurs. 
   Chrissy: Does the fact that he’s in a bed while they’re 
    having this conversation automatically qualify this as 
    HoYay subtext?
   Diandra: No.
Baldwin is carried away and Tiberias pats a sullen Balian on 
the shoulder and tells him he needs him in Jerusalem as he 
rides off.
   Chrissy: Does...
   Diandra: NO!

Over at the Saracen camp, a soldier demands to know why they 
backed off because God determines the outcome of battles and 
he clearly was not favoring Balian’s army. “Oh, for my sake,” 
God mutters, picking up a megaphone. “For the last time, I 
don’t care about your stupid religious squabbles! I’m too busy 
with starving children and plague ravaged communities to give 
a rat’s ass about people like you picking childish fights over 
who’s religion is better. Guess what? IT’S ALL THE SAME!”
   Chrissy: I see someone’s unleashing some pent up hostility.
   Diandra: (grumble)
Saladin says yeah, but they’re also determined by preparation, 
numbers, availability of water, etc. “One cannot maintain a 
siege with the enemy behind. How many battles did God win for 
the Muslims before I came?” Stupidly passionate soldier says 
that’s because they were “sinful”. And now you’re not? Saladin 
says it’s because they were unprepared. Note the difference. 
SPS says if he thinks that way he won’t be king for long. Oh, 
shut up. Saladin says thanks for stopping by and shakes his 
hand. Heh. I like him. SPS sneers that he can’t forget his 
promise to return Jerusalem to the Muslims and stomps off.

Brief scene of Balian watching Guy and his men ride into the 
castle from a balcony.
   Chrissy: What the hell is with the turban on his head?
   Diandra: You ask that like you think I actually have an 
    answer.

King’s quarters. Baldwin tells Balian that they have decided 
he will take command of the army of Jerusalem. Mostly because 
he doesn’t want to leave it with Guy. Either way it looks like 
they’re screwed to me. Then he asks if Balian would marry 
Sibylla if she were not already married to Guy. Um, what? 
Balian squirms a little and asks what would happen to Guy. 
Tiberias pipes up that he would be executed along with any 
knight who doesn’t pledge allegiance to Balian. Can they 
really afford to lose that many men? Balian says he can’t 
agree to that, but thanks anyway. 
   Chrissy: Really, wouldn’t they be screwed either way?
   Diandra: No kidding.

Tiberias chases him down the hallway and demands to know why 
he is protecting Guy. ‘You can’t stand each other and he’d 
kill you for looking at him funny’. He tries to talk Balian 
into taking the offer. “Jerusalem has no need of a perfect 
knight.” “No, it is a kingdom of conscience or nothing,” 
Balian grits and brushes past him.

Okay, so it’s now been about a year since I recapped the last 
scene. Let’s just say life got kind of crazy. But I’m back and 
I’m ready to recap! I’ve got my breakfast of Ranch flavored 
popcorn (shut up) and Chrissy should be here any minute. Let’s 
see if we can get this sucker finished this time.

We’re in the courtyard suddenly. Sibylla rides up as Balian 
is...saddling a horse or something. She sort of hugs him and 
practically licks his ear as she asks who he thinks he is to 
“refuse a king”. “I am what I am,” she adds. “I offer you 
that...and the world” What? I don’t think I’m awake enough for 
this. She moves to kiss him and he kind of pulls away. She 
wonders aloud if he’s really refusing her *now* of all times. 
“Do you think I’m like Guy,” he asks. “That I would sell my 
soul?” Where is this coming from? Insecure much? She stiffens and 
starts to stomp off, then turns to say that “there’ll be a day 
when you will wish you had done a little evil to do a greater 
good.” Okay, I know it’s been a while, but I’m not sure that fully 
explains my total confusion right now. What the hell are they 
talking about?

Guy visits Reynald in jail and gives him a loaf of bread or 
something, which Reynald snatches from him like a skittish wild 
animal. “Do you really think the king wants you head of the army 
once he’s gone,” he taunts around a mouthful of food. 
“Think your wife does?” This is really giving meaning to the 
words “bite the hand that feeds you” isn’t it? Guy looks 
uncomfortable and says “I have a problem.” Much to my 
disappointment he’s referring to Balian because wouldn’t it 
have been fun to see him try to explain his erectile dysfunction? 
Man, that was a bad joke. I really need some caffeine. 
Reynald’s advice is: “Kill him.” Yeah, he came all the way down 
here because he needed you to tell him that. Sheesh. Reynald is 
so useful.

The king’s bedroom. There are about a dozen healers surrounding 
him so we know his condition can’t be good. They leave as Sibylla 
approaches. He wakes and says he was dreaming that he was “back in 
that summer when I defeated Saladin.” He asks if she remembers. 
She smiles a sad, motherly smile and says he was a beautiful boy 
and he’s always been beautiful “in every way”. Laying it on a 
little thick, are we? “My beautiful sister,” he returns. Okay, did 
the tour guide I had in Montreal – who didn’t seem to know any 
synonyms for “beautiful” - take a job as a script writer for a 
day? “So beautiful,” Baldwin adds. Yep, he did. He apologizes for 
any pain he may have caused her and tells her to remember him as 
he was. She says she will and kisses the metal mask over his 
forehead. He closes his eyes and she cries a little. 

Guy intercepts her on her way out. “If I have your knights, you 
have your wife,” she says. Do you want all of them or just the 
one? 

Pan across Jerusalem while mournful music vaguely reminiscent 
of Gladiator plays. Apparently Baldwin died shortly after the 
last scene because now Sibylla is dressed all in black with a 
mourner’s veil and is standing over his body, laid out on an 
altar or shrine or whatever the hell it’s called, surrounded by 
candles and flower petals. She completely forgets the promise she 
made to remember him as he was and removes his mask, revealing a 
grotesque, noseless face with what looks like a severe cleft 
palate. And we blend to the courtyard, where someone the closed 
captioning identifies as “Patriarch” declares her the queen and heir to 
the throne of Jerusalem and puts a crown on her head. She, in turn, 
crowns Guy her king. Like she has a choice. “With the help of God, 
he will rule his people well.” [Diandra collapses into a fit of giggles] 
Yeah, and maybe gold coins will just fall from the sky. Sure.

Elsewhere in the desert, Balian is sitting under a lone palm 
tree...um...sleeping? Contemplating his impending doom? I have 
no idea. Three knights in full battle gear appear and we get a 
close up of his sword, which is still strapped to his horse 
several feet away. Y’know, just in case anybody thought the 
writers weren’t making his fight scenes challenging and/or 
unrealistic enough. One of the knights raises his sword and 
Balian charges at him, smashing his helmeted head repeatedly 
with a large rock. ‘Huh,’ the other guys think. ‘And here we 
thought Guy was crazy sending three fully armed knights to kill 
one currently unarmed man. Clearly, he is not human.’ The one 
still on his horse charges and Balian manages to turn the first 
guy around so he gets hit in the head with the mace. Knight #3 
bats him down with his shield even though he could probably have 
just stabbed him while he was distracted and Balian grabs a piece 
of broken pottery from the ground (with a convenient handle, no 
less) and clobbers him with it until blood spurts. 

#2 rides by again and seems to actually hit him with the mace 
which...yeah... considering he has nothing protecting his head 
and neck should probably have killed him. But since he is the 
hero of the movie and therefore invincible he just staggers and 
the guy decides this isn’t working and gets off his horse to try 
something different. #1 (I think...they all look the same) runs at 
him again, sword swinging and Balian just ducks under his arm, 
yanks him to the ground by his shirt collar and stomps on his 
throat, killing him instantly. No, really. I’m starting to wonder 
if maybe Guy didn’t send three guys because he was being 
excessive. Maybe it’s just that they’re not very good. 

Meanwhile, #2 has climbed off his horse. Balian grabs #1’s 
sword and taunts him a little. #2 swings his mace, which wraps 
around Balian’s sword and is immediately ripped out of his 
hands. After a few swings, the knight decides the fuck with it 
and just punches Balian in the face. Balian collapses like a 
sack of bricks and groans. #2 straddles him and grabs him by 
the shoulders, like, I have no idea what the hell he’s trying 
to do. While he’s taking way too long deciding how he’s going 
to finish off Superman, Balian rips the dagger from his belt 
and rams it into his face. Then he passes out. Yeah. That was 
fun.

Chrissy: What happened?
Diandra: [Jumping about three feet in the air] Good lord  
   woman, would you *knock*? Are you trying to give me a heart 
   attack?
Chrissy: [Holding up a bottle of Bailey’s] I thought you might 
   need this.
Diandra: I knew there was a reason I invited you here.
Chrissy: Uh-huh. So what happened?
Diandra: Balian just killed three armed knights sent to kill 
him. Oh, and he was totally unarmed and not wearing any sort 
   of protective gear.
Chrissy: [Blink] Are you sure they were knights?
Diandra: My thoughts exactly. 
[Long pause]
Chrissy: [Holding up bottle] So I guess I should just go ahead 
   and open this now?
Diandra: That’s probably a good idea.

Reynald is prancing around his cell like a raving loon when Guy 
next goes to see him. Seriously, what is wrong with this guy?
   Chrissy: He’s a few stones shy of a castle?
   Diandra: I see that, I was just wondering if he was dropped 
    on his head as a child or something.
“The king is in heaven,” Reynald asks. Guy looks at him like ‘I 
see you haven’t been taking your medication’ and says yes. 
Reynald stops prancing and asks if the Templars killed Balian 
yet. Um, yeah, about that...he says yes but that’s because he 
hasn’t heard from any of them yet. Also, THOSE WERE TEMPLARS? 
What the fuck kind of training were they getting?! “Reynald,” 
he pleads. “Give me a war.” Déjà vu. I’m pretty sure I saw this 
scene in Troy. Except in reverse...and with Brian Cox. Reynald 
smirks and says that is what he does best.

And we cut to some village or something and Reynald is watching 
his men massacre and burn a bunch of people, blood splattered all 
over his crazy face. “I am what I am,” he murmurs. “Someone has to 
be.” Well, that’s one way to look at it. He sees a cloaked figure 
standing out in the field away from the carnage and one of his men 
tells him this is Saladin’s sister. He licks his lips and says he 
knows. Oh, ew. He slithers out to her and she says “Saladin 
achki”, which the closed captioning helpfully does not translate 
at all so I’ll assume she’s being repetitive and saying she’s his 
sister. He says he knows and rips away the cloth covering the 
lower half of her face. 

And we cut back to the palace, where Saladin’s men arrive to 
demand Guy give the sultan’s sister’s body back. Oh, yeah, and 
“the heads of those responsible and the surrender of  Jerusalem”. 
Yeah, that’ll happen. “What answer do you return to Saladin?” Guy 
calmly walks right up to him and jams his dagger right up through 
his jaw. Blood spurts everywhere and chaos erupts. He orders the 
remainder of Saladin’s men to take the dead guy’s head back to 
Demascus and mutters to himself “I am Jerusalem” as they drag the 
body away. He orders the army assembled and does a mental dance 
of victory at having started a war so easily.

Balian has apparently recovered and is riding back, almost 
falling out of the saddle a couple times like maybe he’s too 
woozy to hold himself upright. Hell, it’s a miracle he’s even 
conscious what with the way they were knocking his head around 
like a piñata.

In a tent, next to the gathered army, Guy makes a speech about 
the assembly of barons and all Jerusalem being complete and 
while some of them might not agree with “our succession”, this 
is war. Tiberias, scowling into space, perks up as Balian rides 
up. “And I,” Guy continues. “Am...” He turns to see Balian walking 
toward them and just about swallows his tongue. “...the king.” He 
recovers and says they will march at once. The men all 
agree...except Balian who says if they have to go to war the army 
can’t move away from water, which, you know, might be a problem in 
the desert. He says they have a chance if they stay in the city 
but if they move out of it to attack Saladin they’ll all die and 
leave the city without an army to defend it. Since his argument 
makes perfect sense and is actually convincing Guy decides to go 
for a low blow and say “When I wish a blacksmith to advise me in 
war I will tell him.” What are you, eight years old? Balian points 
out that they’re doing exactly what Saladin wants them to do 
because it’s a big fucking mistake that he can take advantage of. 
One of the men leaps up to declare that they should “meet the 
enemies of God.” 
   God: Did I not make myself clear on the whole ‘God loves 
   all’ shit? I’m a fucking supernatural being, I HAVE no 
   enemies. Quit using me as an excuse!

Guy says and so they shall, which is not surprising. Tiberias 
says fine, but you’ll do it without *my* knights. Guy says fine 
then, more glory for him. Or, you know, not, because Balian is 
totally right and he’s bound to go down in flames because this is 
a movie and not real life where people who pick fights for no 
damned reason are considered heroic.

Tiberias storms off, Balian at his heels. Balian says when 
Saladin has gutted Guy and tossed him aside like a used 
Kleenex, he will come right for Jerusalem. So they should 
probably start working on their defense. “The king’s dead,” 
Captain Pessimist grits. “And Jerusalem along with him.” Tobias 
rides up as Tiberias leaves and smirks at Balian. Balian asks if 
he’s leaving with the army. No, he’s just dressed in full battle 
gear and riding next to the marching soldiers because he feels 
like it. “You go to certain death,” he adds. “All death is 
certain,” Tobias says. “I shall tell your father what I’ve seen 
you become.” Which is what, exactly? 

Palace. That night. Balian finds Sibylla crouched by a really 
bright candle. “When Saladin comes we’re not defensible,” she 
says. What, no hello? Glad to see my bastard of a husband 
didn’t murder you after all? “Save the people from what I have 
done,” she begs. Isn’t it just like a woman to blame herself 
for something she had no control over? He says a rather terse 
“I will” and walks off. Yeah, that’s not how you reassure an 
insecure woman.

So, of course, the army is dropping men like flies thanks to 
the desert heat and lack of water. One guy falls right off his 
horse and mutters something about the blacksmith being right 
after all before passing out. Or not.

Meanwhile, Saladin’s army is waiting. The cavalry is running in 
circles to burn off excess energy before the actual fighting 
starts. Or maybe they just weren’t expecting Guy to be stupid 
enough to attack them because they seem surprised by the dust 
cloud the approaching army kicks up. “God wills it,” one guy says. 
   God: Hey, I tried to stop him, but clearly none of you 
   people wants to listen to a word I say.

Back at the palace, Tiberias finds Balian brooding out on a 
balcony. “Can you sense it,” Balian asks. Tiberias looks 
uncomfortable and says he doesn’t really like Balian *that* 
much. Just kidding. Actually, he picks up on Balian’s meaning 
and notes that there’s been no messenger with word from the 
army. Oh, I’m sure the messenger’s long dead. Along with the 
rest of the army, which we now see Saladin’s men finishing off. 
Saladin brings the foolhardy brothers to his tent, dips a 
goblet into a bucket of ice (in the desert in the middle ages? 
Really?) and hands it to Guy. He sniffs it and hands it to 
Reynald, who shrugs and drinks it. Saladin points out that he 
didn’t give the glass to *him* “No, my lord,” Reynald agrees 
unapologetically. One of his men holds out a sword, but Saladin 
just pulls the dagger from his belt and slits Reynald’s throat.
   Chrissy: Should I find it disturbing that your response to 
    this is to squeal and applaud the screen?
   Diandra: Maybe. But honestly? Good riddance.
Reynald’s body is dragged away and Saladin turns to Guy. “A 
king does not kill a king. Were you not close enough to a great 
king to learn by his example?” Guy? Learn something? Surely you 
jest!
   Chrissy: Don’t call me Shirley.
   Diandra: Yeah, yeah, I should have known that was coming.

So I guess Tiberias and Balian decided to take a small group of 
men and ride out to see what the hell happened for themselves. 
They find a sea of bodies with about a thousand crows circling and 
the brothers’ heads on pikes. “I’ve given Jerusalem my whole 
life,” Tiberias moans. “First I thought we were fighting for God. 
Then I realized we were fighting for wealth and land. I was 
ashamed” [Diandra launches out of her chair to give Tiberias a 
standing ovation] 
   Chrissy: [groan] Here we go with the political/religious 
    rant...
   Diandra: No, I think he basically said it all right there. 
    But isn’t it amazing how little has changed in the past 
    thousand years or so?
He declares there is no more Jerusalem so he’s going to Cyprus. He 
asks if Balian will come with him. Balian says no. Tiberias nods 
and says he is, in fact, his father’s son. Pig headed and foolish? 
He says Saladin has to keep moving his army from one watering hole 
to the next (which Balian knew, I’m sure), which gives him four, 
maybe five days to rally his defense. “God be with you...he’s no 
longer with me.”
   God: Yes, I am, you just didn’t notice. Or have you not 
   heard the whole “Footprints” thing? 

Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in this scene. Some guys 
are arranging several rows of rocks and painting them white and 
unrolling rope and Balian is up on a balcony with some sort of 
instrument, relaying “mark four hundred” down to them 
and...yeah. Can I take a nap? Balian sees a guy on a horse out 
beyond the rock painters and announces “they’re here.” His bald 
assistant next to him squints and points out that it’s only one 
man. Balian says no, trust me, they’re here. When there’s smoke 
there’s fire and when there’s one “enemy” soldier there are 
several hundred more ready to pound you into submission. Sure 
enough, we pan past the lone rider up on the ridge to find the 
entire damned Saracen army gathering, stretching back for a good 
mile.

“This is the only section of the wall that they can attack,” 
Balian tells his second in command – Ol Baldy - as they walk 
past several very rough looking “soldiers”. “They will stop 
only to avoid hitting their own siege towers as they come in.” 
The plan is to let them attack and as soon as they stop 
shooting, shoot the hell out of them. An older priest (I think) 
grabs Balian and says they have to leave the city. Through a 
“lesser gate” and via the fastest horses they have. Balian asks 
what he thinks will happen to the people of the city then. Well, 
they’re screwed, of course, which is unfortunate “but it is God’s 
will”.
   God: No it isn’t. I’m not taking the blame for this mess.

Balian resists the urge to slap him and walks out onto a 
balcony overlooking several walkways and the main courtyard – 
basically the whole inside of the castle where the remaining 
“army” has gathered. “It has fallen to us to defend Jerusalem,” he 
announces, barely raising his voice at all. “What did he say,” 
some guy in the back asks. “I think he said Jerusalem has fallen,” 
the guy next to him replies. No, seriously Balian, speak up. I 
don’t think they can hear you all the way down there. Blah blah 
they’re as ready as they’re ever going to be blah *we* - our 
generation - didn’t take this city from the Muslims and the ones 
attacking are all too young to remember when it was “lost” to their 
ancestors so really no one knows who’s at fault any more and this 
whole fight has gotten completely out of control. Or, in his words: 
“We fight over an offense we did not give against those who were 
not alive to be offended.” You think it’s bad now? Pshah. Then he 
reminds them their churches were built on top of old Jewish temples 
destroyed by the Romans and the Muslim temples were built over 
the ruins of *theirs* so, really, what is the fucking difference? It 
belongs to nobody and everybody and there’s really no part of it 
that is more “holy” than the rest. “Blasphemy,” the priest, still behind 
him, spits. Baldy tells him to shove it. Heh. We’re not defending the 
city to protect the city itself, Balian declares, but the people 
in it. 
   Chrissy: Gee, there’s a novel concept.

Speech over, he storms off, the priest chasing him to ask how 
the hell he plans to defend Jerusalem without any knights. 
Balian turns around and I am reminded of why I had a hard time 
following this movie the first time I saw it in the theater 
because I was so tired and unfocused that the twitching muscle 
beneath Orlando’s eye distracted the hell out of me at this 
moment. It’s amazing the difference between a theater screen 
and a smaller household one because I had to actually look for 
it this time. “We have no knights,” the priest reiterates, like 
maybe he thinks Balian is completely addled and didn’t get that 
the first hundred times. Balian says oh, really? Twitch twitch. He 
turns to what looks like a teenager and asks what his “condition” 
is. “Well, I’m still recovering from flu season and I’ve got this 
rash that just won’t go away...” Oh, wait... actually he’s a 
“servant to the patriarch.” “He’s one of my servants,” the priest 
repeats like, it was in English, we don’t need a translation. 
Balian asks if he was born a servant. He nods and Balian orders 
him to kneel. [WHACK!]
   Diandra: Okay, first of all: this isn’t Pirates of the 
    Caribbean, so you don’t need to slap me when I make a 
    slash joke. And second: I didn’t even say anything yet!
   Chrissy: I know. I was just hoping to stop a lame sexual 
    joke before it happened.
   Diandra: [grumble] Fine...

“Every man at arms,” he barks to the gathered men. “Or capable 
of bearing them, kneel!” They do (slowly, while giving each 
other “what the hell?” looks) and he stands in front of the 
first boy again and gives the same speech his father gave him. 
Be without fear yadda yadda be brave and upright yip yap speak 
the truth blah blah that is your oath. He backhands the boy, 
who looks mildly dazed like, you call that a slap, you wuss?
   Chrissy: Be nice!
   Diandra: I’m just saying, I think his father put a lot more 
    force behind that slap and he was on his freaking 
    deathbed. 
“And that is so you remember it,” Balian finishes as the boy 
wipes blood from his nose (yeah, like that half-ass slap would 
cause anyone to bleed). “Rise a knight!” Everyone gets up as 
the music builds “dramatically” and the priest sputters “who do 
you think you are? Will you alter the world? Does making a man a 
knight make him a better fighter?” The music builds to big 
crescendo and suddenly stops as Balian turns around and says 
“yes.” The priest just sighs, which is pretty much my 
sentiments exactly regarding that scene. Gag me.

Night. The “knights” are all at their posts and Baldy goes 
outside the gate to meet Balian, who is staring hypnotically 
into the distance when that first Arab rider comes over the 
hill again and shouts “there can be no victory except through 
God.” Baldy’s archers get ready to fire but Balian tells them 
to wait. “May God be with us,” Arab guy adds before riding back 
the way he came. “When will it begin,” Baldy asks.
   Chrissy: Yeah, I’ve been asking myself the same question 
    for a while now.
   Diandra: Really? I’ve been wondering when “it” is going to 
    end.
“Soon,” Balian says and they walk back into the castle. 
Promises, promises.
   Chrissy: More Bailey’s?
   Diandra: Please.

Several lights appear in the distance and start flying toward 
the castle. Several men barricade the door behind Balian and 
Baldy and a man up on the lookout wall shouts “ballista”, which 
the closed captioner apparently didn’t understand as the 
captioning says “[man shouts, indistinct]”. Burning projectiles 
rain down mostly on the inside of the walls, exploding on impact, 
and the cameraman wobbles the camera crazily to make it look like 
the ground is actually shaking. Balian orders “get them to the 
walls” and runs, ducking projectiles, flames and falling rocks, to 
a group of men pushing a giant war machine.

Meanwhile, Nasir (finally learned his name) asks Saladin (I 
think...I might have them backwards now) why they are not firing 
back. Saladin says they’re waiting. Well, duh. That doesn’t answer 
the why though, now, does it oh brilliant cryptic one? They keep 
firing their trebuchets crazily while we get shots of the women, 
children and old people (lingering on Sibylla, of course) taking 
cover inside. Balian walks through the hallway where most of them 
are huddled, which... did they finish getting the machine ready? 
How did he get here?

Chaos. Lots of quick cuts. People throwing water on fires set 
by the projectiles, Balian looking heroic, Saladin looking 
coolly detached. And now Balian is out by the wall again - 
actually, he’s on top of it, looking down - so either he has 
harnessed the ability to teleport or we are seriously 
compressing time frames here. I suppose it’s the later because 
we cut from Balian looking down at the chaos and destruction 
with fireballs still flying over his head to the Saracens, who 
are dancing around and singing and not firing any trebuchets at 
all. I think I have discovered the other reason I had trouble 
following this movie the first time around.

And now Balian and Baldy are in a cellar with a bunch of vats. 
Balian says that was only the first day of fighting and there 
may be a hundred more. I’d say that’s a conservative estimate. 
Baldy says Saladin will not show any mercy. Yes, I believe that 
has been stated before. Balian says they need to hold out and 
force him to “offer terms” and repeats that this is not about the 
city, it’s about the people’s safety and freedom.

Day two. Or 568, the time shifts are not entirely clear. 
Saladin’s army is a few yards closer and they’re all praying to 
Mecca, their armor making a hell of a lot of clanging noises as 
they stand and kneel and bow repeatedly. “Mercy,” Nasir asks. 
“Seeing as how it has been repeatedly stated that I do not, under 
any circumstances, show mercy to anyone I’m going to go with no,” 
Saladin says...more or less. And I guess Guy is alive after all as 
they parade him in front of the ranks on a very vocally unhappy 
donkey before starting the trebuchets up again. Fling fling boom 
wobble. The army marches forward and we get a close up of one guy 
looking curiously at a pile of white painted rocks. “Four 
hundred,” Balian shouts. Ah. Now I get it. His men start firing 
their own trebuchets, one of which takes out one of the siege 
towers. The Saracens keep marching past another row of rocks. 
“Three hundred,” Balian shouts and a few more trebuchets go off, 
taking out another tower and a few dozen more men. I assume they 
have, like, two or three groups of trebuchets that they’re 
alternating and re-setting for distance. Or maybe he’s just 
figured that a war machine that takes an hour to set up and is not 
guaranteed to be entirely accurate can only be used effectively 
once and has figured out a way to make the most of it. 
   Chrissy: Been doing some research, have we?
   Diandra: No, been standing in 100 degree heat for an hour 
    in Les Baux while a guy does a demonstration of firing a 
    trebuchet.

“One fifty!” And now the archers start firing. The Saracen 
archers fire back and all hell breaks loose. Balian orders the 
men to hold fire as the siege tower gets closer. The guys in 
the tower are realizing this guy might not be as dumb as the 
one who led the guys out in the desert and start praying. The 
tower butts up against the wall, the drawbridge lowers and 
Balian is standing right in front of it, ordering “fire!” The 
men coming out of the tower duck and wonder what the hell kind 
of battle tactic this is as jugs of wine rain all over them, 
then fall off the bridge screaming as they are followed by some 
sort of flaming projectile. Balian walks away as guys with swords 
finish off the survivors. He arrives at the front gate at the same 
time as the Saracen foot soldiers and their battering ram and takes 
them out with (probably boiling) oil and a few moltov cocktails. 
Saladin looks surprised by these unexpectedly competent battle 
tactics and maybe a little pissed.

Sometime later, Saladin asks one of his men who is leading 
their defense.  He says Balian, son of Godfrey. How did they 
figure out this sort of thing anyway? This rings a bell for 
Saladin, who says Godfrey nearly killed him in Lebanon but he 
didn’t know he had a son. Neither did he, apparently. Nasir 
says it was the son at Kerak. “The one you let live,” Saladin 
concludes. Um...yeah. “Perhaps you should not have.” “Perhaps I 
should have had a different teacher,” Nasir fires back. Wow, look 
at the brass ones on him.

Now we actually get some shots to mark passage of time. Balian 
looks around at all the flaming destruction at night. At dawn, 
the men wind up the trebuchets again. And Sibylla is cutting 
her hair for some reason that I’m sure will be explained later. 
Her hazy reflection in the mirror morphs into her brother’s dead, 
disease ravaged face. Nice imagery, but if I stopped caring about 
*Balian* an hour ago, trying to make me care about Sibylla is 
probably futile.

Chaos part deux. The Saracens have propped ladders on the wall 
now and are trying to climb over. Clang clang more oil, more 
fire. Balian sees a couple of Saracens make it to the main 
tower and wave their flags to signal the rest of the army, 
grabs a sword and slashes his way over to knock them down 
himself, getting a pretty deep gouge in his left wrist in the 
process. He tosses the remaining flag to the ground outside, 
turns and shouts at some men to fire. They fire arrows 
connected to ropes into the remaining siege towers and yank 
them down on top of the soldiers too slow to move out of the 
way. There’s a little pause as Balian and Saladin seem to stare at 
each other from a distance and Saladin nods like ‘valiant effort, 
lad, even if it is futile’.

Sibylla, hair freshly butchered and almost military short - is 
bandaging the wounded down in the shelters when Balian shuffles 
by, looking...well, like he’s been through a war. He doesn’t 
recognize her apparently and sits in front of another guy on nurse 
duty, who starts treating his magically transferred wound, now on 
his right arm (could somebody wake the continuity guy?), which we 
are given a gratuitous close up of. 
   Chrissy: Yeesh...I think I can actually see bone.
   Diandra: And yet he was able to drag a full grown man off a 
    ledge and toss his flag like a javelin. That natural  
    adrenaline sure works wonders, doesn’t it?

Night. Saladin says a little prayer over the fallen soldiers 
before they are buried in a shallow grave and actually chokes 
back a few tears. Hey, imagine that. A war leader who actually 
cares. Meanwhile, inside, the priest is declaring that they 
can’t burn the bodies because if a body is burned it “cannot be 
resurrected until Judgment Day”. Oh, whoever came up with that 
one? Balian points out that if they don’t burn the bodies 
they’ll all be dead of disease in three days so he’s pretty 
sure God will give them a pass this time. “And if he doesn’t 
[understand] then he is not God, and we need not worry.” I 
kinda love him right now.

Nasir tells Saladin that the wall where the gate used to be 
(now filled in with stones) has been weakened. Random soldier 
says yes, a gate is usually weaker than the walls around it 
when it is blocked in. “Or stronger,” Saladin’s lackey says. 
Nasir says no, no, it’s weaker. Trust me. This guy over here 
saw it with his own eyes. We can go through it. Saladin ponders 
this as we go back inside, where Balian’s men are working at 
reinforcing this very spot, which, apparently, is weakening it...? 
I guess? Balian declares this the spot where they will ‘make their 
stand’ and if I had a time machine I would love to introduce you 
to General Custer, Balian. I think you would have a lot in common.

Day. Nasir (I think) is giving a speech to the troops. Blah 
blah God has sent you on this mission and you will take no 
prisoners.
   God: I did what now?
“As they did, so shall it be done!” 
   God: Okay, did you humans learn nothing from Jesus?
More trebuchets.

On the other side of the wall, Balian – in full chain metal 
armor - is giving his own speech. “When this wall comes down 
there will be no quarter.” Oh, goody, we get to hear the same 
speech all over again in a different accent. “If you throw down 
your arms your families will die.” Well don’t sugar coat it or 
anything. “We can break this army here.” You think, huh? “So I say 
let them come!” And I say you look silly in chain mail, Orlando. 
“Let them come!” Yes, you already said that.
   Chrissy: Having fun over there?
   Diandra: [hic] Nah, just bored.
The men draw their weapons and cheer.

Pause. Aaannd the projectiles start blasting through the wall, 
knocking down a few guys and breaking spears. A large chunk of 
the wall collapses and both sides charge. Balian is running 
front and center and actually tosses his shield aside before he 
reaches the opposing army because he’s apparently decided he 
doesn’t give a rip anymore. Clang clang clang. Balian is back to 
his invincible self, it seems. A Saracen throws a rock, which 
bounces off of some guy’s shield way too easily in my opinion. 
What the hell are they using, pumice? The noises of battle fade, 
covered by mournful sounding music, which is starting to look 
really cliché now. We shift seemingly at random between normal 
speed and slow motion and finally pan up to show a God’s eye 
view (get it?) (groan) of the battle. Morph into dusk. Same view, 
but the majority of the soldiers are no longer moving. We go down 
to ground level and there is blood everywhere. Balian looks out at 
the guy holding up a white flag on the other side of the massive pile 
of bodies, the remainder of both armies waiting several yards back 
on either side. “They will ask for terms,” Baldy says. “They must ask 
for terms.” Yeah, get out and we won’t kill the rest of you. The 
priest says “convert to Islam. Repent later.” “You’ve taught me a lot 
about religion, Your Eminence,” Balian says flatly. 
   Chrissy: Oh, quit hugging the computer screen and sit down! 
   You look ridiculous.

Ahem. So Balian goes out to meet Saladin, who asks if he will 
yield the city. Um...I’m going to go with no? In fact, he goes 
so far as to say he will burn it down before he hands it over. 
Y’know, because maybe if he turns it into a giant pile of ash 
and ruble the Christians and the Muslims will stop fighting 
over the fucking thing. “I wonder if it would not be better if 
you did,” Saladin says. Okay, he is way too nice and wise a 
leader to have ever really existed in any country. So’s Balian 
for that matter, really. Saladin asks if he’d really destroy 
it. He says yep, and “every Christian knight you kill will take 
ten Saracens with him.” So he asks that Saladin “destroy” his army 
and never rebuild it because “I swear to God that to take this 
city will be the end of you.” “Your city is full of women and 
children,” Saladin says smoothly. “If my army will die, so will 
your city.” “You offer terms. I ask none,” Balian says. I would 
like to see a definition of “terms” before I make that judgment 
call. He says okay, he will provide safe passage for everyone to 
Christian lands. All of them. Including the soldiers and queen. 
“No one will be harmed. I swear to God.” Balian’s God or yours?
   God: They’re all the same you twat!
   Chrissy: Why does God sound like a crankier, more British 
    version of you?
   Diandra: Shh!
Balian reminds him that the Christians killed every Muslim in 
the city when they took over, though, as he pointed out 
earlier, neither of them was alive when that happened. Well, 
maybe Saladin was since he’s, like, sixty.
   Chrissy: Your math could use a little work.
Fifty. I said fifty. Bite me. Older than anyone reasonably 
lived in the twelfth century at any rate.

“I am not *those* men,” he says testily. “I am Saladin.” Pause. 
Balian says well, when you put it like that, here you go, you can 
have Jerusalem. They start walking back to their respective armies 
and Balian stops to ask “What is Jerusalem worth?” Whatever value 
humans place on it because it’s really no different than any other 
spit of land on that giant rock you call Earth. You just think 
it’s special because somebody, somewhere, *believed* that it was 
where Jesus taught and Mohammed heard voices. It’s kind of like 
money. Worthless pieces of paper or metal until values are assigned 
to them and people are made to work to earn them.
   Chrissy: Are you done or should I get a towel to wipe the 
   foam from your mouth?
Saladin turns and says “nothing”. Then he walks a couple more 
steps, turns, holds up his fists in a sort of subdued symbol of 
victory and says “everything” with a big smile.

We see Sibylla watching this for no reason. ‘I hacked off my 
hair for this?’ she thinks.

“I have surrendered Jerusalem,” Balian announces to the 
gathered men at the destroyed gate. “If this is the kingdom of 
Heaven, let God do with it as he wills.”
   God: I tried, but every time I redecorate, you humans get   
   blood all over the carpets.
His men start cheering and patting him on the back and thanking 
the Lord. So I guess they never really cared about hanging on to 
the city either.

Sibylla is still staring from the balcony when Balian teleports 
himself up to her doorway to tell her that her brother’s kingdom 
was “here [points to head] and here [points to heart]. That 
kingdom can never be surrendered.” Yeah, yeah, and love means 
never having to say your sorry and a few other clichéd lines that 
make me gag. She asks what she should do. “I’m still the queen of 
Acre, Ashkelon, Tripoli.” “Decide not to be a queen and I will 
come to you,” he says. ‘Oh, that’s easy for you to say, she snits. 
You French are masters of doing whatever the hell you want when 
you want, aren’t you?’ He looks surprised. ‘I’m supposed to be 
French? Then why do I have a British accent?’ ‘Because the French 
won’t notice the difference on the dubbed version, the Americans 
won’t give a shit and the producers needed some way to draw a 
young female audience to a war film.’
   Chrissy: You’ve been waiting a while to make that joke, 
    haven’t you?
   Diandra: It’s been *killing* me!

Sometime later, Saladin is walking through the castle (or 
what’s left of it anyway) and finds a Christian cross laying 
fallen on the floor. He picks it up and carefully places it 
back on the table, then leaves the room. Elsewhere, amid 
Christians filing out of the city, Balian shakes Nasir’s hand. 
Nasir gives him back that horse from earlier in the movie (now 
totally forgotten), claiming it’s “not a very good horse. I 
will not keep it.” In other words, I want you to have it but I 
won’t call it a gift. “And if God does not love you,” he adds 
as Balian climbs on. “How could you have done all the things 
that you have done? Peace be upon you.” Balian says the Arabic 
version of the same phrase and rides off.

He rides alongside the rest of the Christians trudging through 
the desert, halting when he finds Sibylla. She totally ignores 
him so he gets off his horse and walks alongside her. “A queen 
never walks,” he says. Yeah, I’m sure she also doesn’t cut her 
own hair, much less hack it *all* off. She just gives him a 
look. “And yet you are walking,” he adds like maybe she failed 
to notice. She still says nothing but she takes his hand and 
sort of smiles subtly at him.

And suddenly we’re back in Balian’s original village. We can 
tell because he’s standing in a burned-out blacksmith shop. He 
is walking around, sort of dazed, looking in the general 
direction of Jerusalem, when some knights ride up. “We crusade 
to recover the kingdom of Jerusalem,” one of them announces. 
Balian, resigned to the fact that this is never going to end, 
gives the same directions he got: “You go to where the men 
speak Italian, and then continue until they speak something 
else.” A guy who looks like he might be the leader of the group 
rides forward and says actually, they came here looking for 
Balian, defender of Jerusalem, do you know where he is? Balian 
just says he is the blacksmith, which, yeah, not anymore judging 
by the state of your forge. “And I am the king of England,” the 
leader says. Ah, Richard the Lion Heart, I presume. 
   Diandra: Yes, Chrissy, I am doing my research.  
   Chrissy: I wasn’t going to say anything.
“I am the blacksmith,” Balian repeats. Leave me out of it, 
damnit. Ricky sort of bows his head and he and his men ride 
off. 

Sibylla comes up out of nowhere while Balian is fascinated by a 
new flower growing outside the shop. She is wearing a fur-lined 
cloak, which...where are they? Seriously is this the Alps? 

They’re riding together down a dirt road when they pass his 
wife’s grave. He slows and gets this look on his face like 
“huh...totally forgot about that”, then rushes to catch up to 
her again and they ride off into the...rain clouds. An entire 
page of text appears on the screen. “The King, Richard the 
Lionheart...” Oh, so I didn’t have to look that up? Great. Now 
you tell me. “...went on to the Holy Land and crusaded for 
three years. His struggle to regain Jerusalem ended in an 
uneasy truce with Saladin. Nearly a thousand years later, peace in 
the Kingdom of Heaven remains elusive.” Well, yeah. No kidding.
   Chrissy: Congratulations. That recap only took you two 
    years to write. 
   Dianrda: Oh, pbbbbtttt. Where’s the Bailey’s? This calls 
    for celebration.
   Chrissy: You drank it the last of it about twenty minutes 
    ago.
   Diandra: Damn.


~Diandra