"Kingdom of Heaven"

One of these days Ridley Scott is going to make a movie with 
characters I can actually give a shit about. This is not that 
movie. It's been only a half an hour or so since I left the 
theater and I've already forgotten most of the plot. Then 
again, I doubt there was much for me to forget as my brain 
pretty much shut down about an hour in. I was surprised to 
find out that the movie was well over two hours because it 
didn't feel that long - that is how big the gaps between my 
periods of consciousness were. For all I know, I was abducted 
by aliens and returned to my seat a half an hour later with my 
memory wiped clean. Of course, it's possible that lack of 
sleep had something to do with it. I stopped at a drug store 
on the way home and stood in front of a rack of medications 
for, like, five minutes because I had forgotten what the hell 
I was looking for and my brain wasn't even attempting to 
search for an answer. I'd swear I could actually hear the 
sound of crickets chirping. 

Anyway, my point is...um...what was my point? Oh, yeah. Ridley 
Scott. The more of his movies I see, the more I wonder if the 
only reason I sympathized with Thelma and Louise at all is 
because they were strong women. Every film he has done before 
or since seems to feature protagonists so flat and/or 
downright unlikeable that whatever crisis they are going 
through doesn't seem quite as urgent as it should. I didn't go 
into this movie with that expectation - in fact, I had hopes 
that Ridley would prove me wrong for once - but when the first 
of the many fakeouts that are supposed to make us believe 
Balian might actually be killed rolled around I realized I 
didn't give a rats ass if he lived or not. 

Balian's not unlikeable, really, he's just not *likeable*. And 
I know I can't blame it on Orlando Bloom's performance because 
then I would have to blame Harrison Ford, Russell Crowe and 
Nicholas Cage as well. I hated "Blade Runner" because I 
couldn't bring myself to care about the protagonist. I didn't 
think much of "Gladiator" because I actually wanted to kill 
the protagonist myself just to put an end to his bitching and 
moaning. And "Matchstick Men"...well, that one wasn't quite as 
bad, but I still found myself wishing I'd had a reason to care 
about any of the characters. Balian is basically Maximus Lite. 
He spends the first half hour or so banging things around, 
glaring at everybody who talks to him and generally acting 
like he has the world's biggest chip on his shoulder. I mean, 
I know his wife and kid are dead, but since they're already 
dead when the movie starts we have no idea what he was like 
when they were alive. And his two-steps-away-from-criminally-
insane tortured man act doesn't really make me want to root 
for him. All I'm saying is it would have been nice to see some 
sort of depth to the character. As it is, he starts out angsty 
and pissed off at the world and basically stays that way 
throughout the entire movie.

I'm going to pretend that I didn't just get distracted and 
spend the last hour reading "Kingdom of Heaven" fan fiction. 
That brings me to my next point. In spite of my apathy toward 
the main protagonist, I still liked the movie if only because 
of its general message, which seems to be that war is 
senseless and religious wars are even more senseless and yet 
they went through a whole freakin' bloody battle before 
finally surrendering. As my mother put it, she would have just 
marched out there and said "dude, I'm not fighting you, here's 
the keys, I'm out of here". Actually, the best part of seeing 
movies like this with my mother is that she's as much of a 
smartass as I am. Many times in the movie, Balian is 
recognized instantly by various characters as the son of 
Godfrey (played by Liam Neeson). The first time this happened, 
my mother and I had the following conversation:
   Me: Yeah, because he looks *so* much like Liam Neeson.
   My mother: (sarcastically) It must be the blue eyes.

And now it's been over a week since I saw the movie. This 
should tell y'all something about the amount of time it takes 
me to write anything. I have the May 20 issue of Entertainment 
Weekly sitting in front of me right now, open to the "Must 
List", and it cites Jeremy Irons for his role in this movie as 
a "conflicted nobleman" and says he "brings gravitas to Ridley 
Scott's uneven Crusades epic." This brings me to the last 
couple points I want to make, the first of which is: what is 
up with the editing of this movie? It's full of awkward and 
abrupt transitions. I felt like I was watching a rough cut of 
the film at times. I'm not sure if this was the editor's fault 
or if the film was rushed into theaters before it could really 
be polished or what but it was kind of distracting. And 
finally, in spite of the haphazard characterizations, the best 
thing about this movie, really, is the acting. I disagree with 
the critics whose knee-jerk instinct was to say that Orlando 
was wrong for the part. I think he did a great job and I know 
I'm not just biased because my mother said the same thing and 
she just barely *tolerates* him. And, of course, Liam Neeson 
and Jeremy Irons are great too but that much is a given. 

Favorite quotes:
"Praise be to God..."
"Sounds like our praise."

"You go to certain death.”
“All death is certain.”

“First I thought we were fighting for God. Then I realized we 
were fighting for money and for land.”

“God will understand, my lord. And if he doesn’t, then he is 
not God and there is no worry.”

“Convert to Islam. Repent later.”
“You’ve taught me a lot about religion, your eminence.”

“What is Jerusalem worth?”
“Nothing...everything.”

Least favorite quote:
“How can you be in hell when you’re in my heart?” Urk.