"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End"

Directed by: Gore Verbinski

Staring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly, Tom 
Hollander, Bill Nighy, Naomie Harris, Stellan Skarsgard, Kevin 
McNally, Mackenzie Crook, Lee Arenberg, David Schofield, Jack 
Davenport, Reggie Lee and Jonathan Pryce, many of whom I forgot 
to credit in Dead Man’s Chest because I got lazy.

With Special Appearances by: Chow Yun Fat and what’s left of 
Keith Richards

Written by: Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, to whose houses I 
will be sending armies of dogs to redecorate their lawns

Music by: Hans Zimmer who actually did a few new songs this 
movie

Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer, who should really examine this 
perpetual fascination he has with things exploding.



Sigh. Five years after the first Pirates movie we have come to 
this: the last recap. At least unless the Disney Corporation 
decides they need to milk the cash cow a little more in a year 
or two. I think I’m going to miss doing these movies...even the 
part where I get whacked in the head by Chrissy every other 
scene.
   Chrissy: That wouldn’t happen if you could control your 
    impulse to make slash jokes.
   Diandra: I’m a slash author. Not bloody likely.
Okay, well...here we go. Sniffle.

Previously on Pirates of the Caribbean: Barbossa mutinied 
against Jack and took over the Black Pearl. He then “killed” 
Will’s father, who ended up on the Flying Dutchperson working 
for Davy Jones, an octopus-like man with a severe speech 
impediment-ah. Jack spent a lot of time staggering around 
drunkenly muttering about rum. Jack and Will declared their 
secret undying love for each other [WHACK!]...in my head and 
broke some sort of Aztec curse that doesn’t really matter 
anymore and then Jack killed Barbossa. Will freed Jack from 
prison and saved him from a hanging and Jack repaid him by 
handing him over to Davy Jones to avoid “settling a debt-ah” 
and Will vowed to rescue his father from Jones. Liz’s former 
fiancé Norri was a bad guy, then a good guy, then a guy whose 
allegiance was totally murky and then he stole Davy Jones’ 
heart and handed it over to the East India Trading Company 
asshat Beckett so I think it’s safe to say he’s with the bad 
guys again. The writers spent the entire first movie developing 
a romance between Will and Liz only to spend the second movie 
throwing her at Jack for no damned reason. She kissed him (right 
in front of Will, no less) before chaining him to the Pearl and 
leaving him for the Kraken. Then a Jamaican mystic named Tia 
Dalma told Will he had a “touch of destiny” about him but that 
could have been a pick up line. And in the end it was revealed 
that Barbossa was still somehow alive.

There. I think that’s everything. Y’all might want to get the 
alcohol and aspirin ready because this is going to be a long, 
bumpy ride.

After a drumroll, we open on a noose. Welcome back to Port 
Royal. I have to take a moment to make an apology for all the 
bitching I did in the “Dead Man’s Chest” recap about everybody 
forgetting that it was pronounced Port *Royale*. I went back 
and checked The Curse of the Black Pearl and...  yeah... 
apparently it was always Port Royal and I never noticed. Which 
is odd since I only saw the movie about a half a dozen times, 
but I guess this is what happens when I don’t have captions. 
Anyway, moving on. A Brit in a wig is reading a letter to a 
long line of shackled dead people walking. The gist of it is 
‘we’re trying to eliminate the whole piracy problem by killing 
everyone who’s ever even *thought* of becoming a pirate.’ 
Beckett has declared Marshall law so everyone’s right to a fair 
trial (or any trial for that matter) and freedom of speech are 
suspended until further notice. Thanks, Disney co. I don’t get 
enough of this from Junior’s administration. 

This scene of government-approved mass genocide grids to a near 
halt as a child climbs up and takes his place along the row of 
nooses. He looks at the rope about five feet over his head, 
looks down at a coin in his hands and starts singing. “The king 
and his men stole the queen from her bed and bound her in 
bones. The seas be ours and by the powers, where we will, we’ll 
roam.” He stops as the hangman gets a barrel for him to stand 
on and situates the noose. Another guy picks up the song where 
he left off. “Yo ho. All hands. Hoist the colors high.” And 
every other Dead Person Walking joins in “Heave-ho. Thieves and 
beggars. Never shall we die!” They get louder and stamp their 
feet like maybe this is a ritual chant and they’re trying to 
turn the Brit soldiers into donkeys. A soldier scampers over to 
Beckett in a tizzy to yelp “they’ve started to sing, sir!” OH 
REALLY? I’M PRETTY SURE THEY’RE LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE NEXT TOWN 
TO REALIZE THIS. “Finally,” Beckett purrs and, in a shot of 
irony, the last “never shall we die” is punctuated by the 
hangman pulling the lever. Cut to a black screen with a 
spinning coin and the title card. Great. Looks like we have 
another new That Blasted Song. Maybe that name will actually 
pay off this time.

We open again on some sort of cave where a woman in a 
Vietnamese style hat is rowing among crude looking pier 
supports. I’m not going to go into a long description of the 
set. Suffice it to say it looks like Chinatown, were Chinatown 
located inside a sewer.
   Chrissy: In some cities it may as well be.
   Diandra: Yes, thank you, smart ass.
   Chrissy: [raising hand warningly] Don’t tempt me.
She’s singing That Blasted Song as well. As she comes out of 
shadow we realize that it’s Liz and she’s looking very furtive. 
She gets out on a dock and a couple of oriental guys descend on 
her, one finishing the “never say we die” part for her. How 
nice that everyone seems to know the lyrics to this song. I 
suppose somebody could randomly start a dance routine and 
everyone would know the steps too.
   Chrissy: [groan] Please, God no.
   Diandra: Oh, like these movies aren’t two steps away 
    from parody already?

Chinaman says that’s a dangerous song for one ignorant of its 
meaning to sing. Especially dangerous for a woman all alone. 
“What makes you think she’s alone,” Geoffrey Rush’s voice 
sneers from off screen and Barbossa appears from nowhere. 
Seriously, how did he get there? Chinaman turns to ask if he’s 
“protecting” her and Liz jumps on him, holding a knife to his 
throat. “What makes you think I need protecting,” she snarls. 
Well, let’s start with the other two guys currently pointing 
guns at your head, dear. Barbossa calmly says Chinaman’s master 
is expecting them. They duck out of sight as some British 
soldiers march past. Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. 
Already.
   Chrissy: What else is new?
   Diandra: Oh, quiet you. And where’s my alcohol?
   Chrissy: If you start drinking now, you’re never going 
    to get through this recap.
   Diandra: ...and your point would be?

Meanwhile, Larry, Curly and the rest of the Hapless Crew creep 
in via the water, army hats on their heads (seriously, 
costuming, did you raid the wardrobe of the last Vietnam War 
movie?). Also, really, closed captioners? Did we *need* a 
transcript of the background sailors’ conversation about 
getting their sea legs and how many days it took before they 
stopped throwing up? Jack the Monkey starts playing a crank 
music box loudly to cover the sound of the Hapless Crew sawing 
through some bars.

On the way to this meeting, Liz picks up the mantle of Bestower 
of Exposition and asks Barbossa if he’s heard from Will. He 
says no but he trusts Will to “acquire the charts” and he 
also trusts that Liz will remember her place in front of 
“Captain Sao Feng”. “He’s much like meself, but absent my 
merciful nature and sense of fair play.” Translation for the 
lobotomy patients: this is sarcasm. They enter another room in 
the complex and we take a moment to check back with the Hapless 
Crew, who are crawling in the tunnels beneath the sewers. 

Liz and Barbossa are stopped and asked to hand over their 
weapons. Then Chinaman asks Liz to remove her vest, which she 
does, revealing an entire small arsenal. She hands over two 
pistols, a sword and a hand grenade, then reaches behind her 
like she’s trying to retrieve something shoved up her ass and 
produces a very large gun. Barbossa hilariously looks behind 
her like ‘where the hell was she hiding that?’ But this 
apparently isn’t enough to satisfy Chinaman, who still has her 
strip down until she’s wearing only a robe that is almost short 
enough to reveal her true hair color. Pervert. Finally, they 
are brought into a steam room (we can tell that’s what it is 
because it’s foggier than a London dawn), where they meet Chow 
Yun Fat, who welcomes them to Singapore. He turns to one of the 
pretty twins beside him and orders more steam. She pulls a 
chain to signal the men below to throw another tree on the 
fire. The Hapless Crew watch from nearby. Larry gets spooked by 
the sight of a man the size of a Buick patrolling around but 
Gibbs stops him from fleeing to explain to the audience that if 
things don’t go as they’re supposed to, they are the back up.

Barbossa says he’s got this vague “venture” thingee and he was 
wondering if maybe Sao Feng could hook him up with a ship and a 
crew. Sao Feng says gee, what a coincidence because somebody 
tried to break into his uncle’s temple this morning to steal 
these navigational charts. He holds them up and Barbossa and 
Liz look wary. Yeah, where did you say Will was again? 
“Wouldn’t it be amazing if this venture of yours took you to 
the world beyond this one?” Barbossa says yeah, um, quite a 
coincidence. Sao Feng nods at some guys in the corner and they 
haul Will out of a vat of water, his hands tied to a pole over 
his shoulders. Well, I guess we know how he survived the 
sinking of the Intercepted in the first movie – he can hold his 
breath for a ridiculously long time. 
   Chrissy: How is he still alive anyway? I mean, I know he 
    could fight an entire army with one hand tied behind 
    his back but the yutz has managed to stumble into every  
    damned trap possible! By my count, he’s been captured 
    four times in the past three movies!
   Diandra: Do you want that drink now?
   Chrissy: That’s your solution to everything, isn’t it?
   Diandra: Hey, it works, doesn’t it?

Will gasps and wheezes as Sao Feng saunters over to him and 
says *this* is the thief. Does he look familiar to either of 
them? Liz and Barbossa shake their heads. Sao Feng whips out a 
knife like okay then, you won’t mind if I kill him, grabs 
him by the hair and makes a gesture like he’s going to ram the 
knife in his carotid. Liz totally falls for the fake out and 
yelps in horror. Sao Feng smirks and puts the knife away. He 
says they waltz in here and betray his “hospitality”... 
Barbossa interrupts that they had no idea... “THAT HE WOULD GET 
CAUGHT!” Sao Feng finishes. Barbossa says actually he suspected 
that might be a possibility as it happens often...not. Actually 
he says nothing because he totally doesn’t have a leg to stand 
on. Sao Feng exposits that they’re trying to travel to Davy 
Jones’ locker but he’s not sure why. Guess he didn’t catch the 
end of the last movie. Barbossa flips a coin at him and grits 
that “the song has been sung” and they need to “convene the 
Brethren Court”, which consists of nine “pirate lords”, of 
which Sao Feng is one. This doesn’t explain the Locker thing, 
but we’ll pause anyway so Sao Feng can order more steam and we 
can see the Hapless Crew scramble to follow the order so he 
won’t suspect anything has happened. Marty the Little Person is 
sitting on the Buick, wielding a shovel. Heh. 

Sao Feng says apparently the only way a pirate can turn a 
profit anymore is by betraying other pirates and looks 
pointedly at Will, who squirms and looks guilty. The Hapless 
crew haul out some weapons and “wait for the signal”. Sao Feng 
asks what good the Brethren Court is against Beckett and the 
East India Trading Co. Liz squawks some crap about him 
“fighting” and not letting an “era” come to an end. Blah blah 
“most notorious pirates” are “uniting” and here he is 
“cowering” in his sewer. He cocks an eyebrow and takes a few 
steps toward her. She scoots back nervously and Barbossa looks 
on like ‘I told the girl to keep a lid on it’. “Elizabeth 
Swann,” Sao Feng purrs. “There is more to you than meets the 
eye, isn’t there? And the eye does not go wanting.” Will 
clenches his jaw and tugs at his ropes a little. Hee. 

Sao Feng shakes himself out of his tangent and says Barbossa 
hasn’t answered his question. What are they looking for in Davy 
Jones’ locker? “My boyfriend,” Will snits. “Got a problem with 
that?” [WHACK!]
   Chrissy: Man, are you slipping or what? That was lame.
   Diandra: Yeah, well, these movies are becoming 
    increasingly resistant to slash possibilities (thanks a 
    LOT, writers).
Actually, he just says “Jack Sparrow,” but, you know, same 
difference. [WHACK!] The Doublemint Twins on either side of Sao 
Feng giggle like they know *exactly* who Jack is, if you know 
what I mean and Sao Feng looks pissed. Heh. Will explains, for 
those playing the home game, that Jack is also one of the pirate 
lords. Sao Feng stews and growls that the only reason he would 
want to rescue Jack from the land of the dead is so he could 
personally send him right back. Barbossa reminds him that Jack 
holds “one of the nine pieces of eight” because he “failed to 
pass it along to a successor before he died”. Hence why they 
need to go get him. Sao Feng looks at one of the oriental extras 
whose “tattoo” of a dragon is melting down his back. “So you 
admit that you have deceived me,” he says. He yanks out a sword 
and all his men crawl out of the woodwork, weapons ready. The 
Hapless Crew below the floorboards are still waiting for their 
cue, so Barbossa purrs “Sao Feng...I assure you our intentions 
are strictly honorable!” Four swords shoot up from between the 
floorboards into Barbossa and Liz’s hands. Heh. 

Sao Feng grabs the guy with the fake tattoo and tells them to 
drop the weapons or he’ll kill their man. Barbossa looks 
around, confused, and says go ahead, he’s not our man. Sao Feng 
looks confused. Will asks the obvious question: “if he’s not 
with you and he’s not with us...who’s he with?” In answer, a 
bunch of soldiers burst into the room, knocking down an entire 
section of the wall. Or, as the closed captioners put it, “door 
opens”. Yeah, remind me not to invite you people to my house 
for parties. Some of Sao Feng’s men are shot, swords start 
clanging and Will clobbers a few people with the tree trunk 
he’s tied to. Lucky for him, a sword slips and cuts the ropes. 
Why, hello Mr. Plot Convenience, how are you today? Liz tosses 
him one of her swords. Clang clang. Weird moment where Mercer 
(remember him? I believe I called him “Creepy Guy” in the last 
movie) comes in, aims a pistol at Liz’s head and she just gapes 
at him until Will tackles her out of the way and the bullet 
hits one of the Doublemint Twins behind her.

The Hapless Crew light some explosives below decks and duck for 
cover. Above, a bunch of soldiers line up and aim muskets at 
Will, Liz, Barbossa and Sao Feng, who all just stand there 
looking stupid. Um, move? The soldiers yell fire and, of 
course, the explosives go off and the floor collapses under 
them. Chaos and running. I don’t know where everybody’s going, 
but I’m trying not to ask too many questions. The Hapless Crew 
comes out of the gaping hole in the floor, guns blazing. More 
running and chaos. Clang clang boom. The monkey’s music box is 
still playing, all by itself (and it’s playing That Blasted 
Song too), and when it stops it explodes, sending a group of 
soldiers into the canal. 

Mercer is conveniently nearby when Sao Feng yanks Will into a 
tent and shoves him against the wall, hissing that it’s quite a 
coincidence that the EITC found him the same day Will showed up, 
isn’t it? Will says yeah, coincidence. Funny. He knocks aside 
Sao Feng’s sword and puts a knife to his throat and, unseen by 
both, Mercer takes aim with his musket. “If you want to make a 
deal with Beckett,” Will says cryptically, “you need what I 
offer.” This gives Mercer pause. When did Will become the whore 
of the Caribbean? [WHACK!] I meant *metaphorically*... well, 
maybe literally...he is very pretty. [WHACK!] Fine. Sao Feng 
points out that Will has double crossed Barbossa and is 
apparently willing to cross Jack so why should he trust him 
further than he can throw him? Will exposits that he needs the 
Pearl to free his father. Why? Why the Pearl specifically? 
   Chrissy: I thought you weren’t asking questions.
   Diandra: Yeah, well, old habits die hard.
Will flips his knife over and leans a little too close and 
says, with a slightly unhinged look in his eyes, that Sao Feng 
is going to help him get the Pearl. Yes, Will has definitely 
changed since the first movie and I’m not sure it’s been for 
the better.

Elsewhere, Jack the Monkey lights a rocket, which zooms through 
the chaos and fighting to land in a tent full of fireworks. 
Yes, Jerry Bruckheimer is definitely making up for the near 
total lack of explosions in the last movie. 

Will saunters up to Barbossa and Liz and tosses the charts at 
the former, announcing that he’s gotten them a ship and a crew 
and Sao Feng is covering their escape. He’ll meet up with them 
later at Shipwreck Cove. Barbossa doesn’t ask how he managed to 
swing that and whether there were any bodily fluids involved 
[WHACK!], though he probably should. Liz just gapes in wonder 
as they run off.

Ocean. Or Singapore Bay. Or Disney Backlot #148. Whatever. Tia 
Dalma is standing at the rail of the ship  - let’s call it, oh, 
the Crouching Dragon - when Liz approaches to ask if she thinks 
Sao Feng will “honor the call”. Tia says fuck if she knows, but 
“dere’s an eval on dese seas dat even da most staunch and blood 
tirsty pirates ‘ve come ta fear.” Well, that’s helpful. But I 
guess that’s what happens when you ask Madame Cryptic.

Cut to some random part of the ocean where the Dutchperson 
shoots to the surface and starts blasting the crap out of some 
random ship for no apparent reason while mournful music plays. 
What, has Davy Jones resorted to mass murder to recruit new crew 
members? Or is he just pissed because his heart is MIA?

Aboard some Brit ship, soldiers are milling around, moving 
model ships on a map. A familiar chest sits on a desk in front 
of Beckett, who is playing with one of the “pieces of eight”. 
“Nine of them, you say,” he murmurs. Mercer says their new 
“friend” in Singapore was very specific, yes. Which “friend” 
would that be? Beckett wonders what the significance of that 
is. It’s whatever the writers pull out of their asses, I fear. 
Mercer says it doesn’t matter because nothing can hold against 
the armada with the Dutchperson leading it. What? Did I miss 
something? What’s going on? Who am I?
   Chrissy: Here, have a cookie. 
   Diandra: Is it laced with Advil?
“Nothing we know of,” Beckett clarifies cryptically. He asks if 
this “friend” happened to say where the Brethren Court was 
meeting. Er, no, Mercer admits. Beckett says he recognizes the 
value of information then. Seriously, are we talking about Will 
or the tattoo guy? What’s going on? 

Beckett says they’d best keep quiet about this because they 
don’t want anyone just running off to Singapore. Well, that’ll 
be easy seeing as how I doubt anyone would have a clue why they 
should do that. Norri appears and Beckett acknowledges him as 
“admiral” and says he has something for him. A swift kick in 
the pants for being a doublecrossing ninny? No, it’s his sword, 
which, you may remember, is the one Will forged back when he 
was a blacksmith and not running off on one convoluted mission 
after another.

Brief, haphazardly placed scene of Governor Daddy being served 
execution papers.

“The Brethren know they face extinction,” Beckett purrs. “All 
that remains is for them to decide where they make their final 
stand. Norri looks nauseous. 

And we’re in what looks like an iceberg field with snow blowing 
everywhere. The Hapless Crew are all covered in ice crystals, 
as is the Crouching Dragon, and everything is shot with a blue 
filter. In other words? It’s cold. Larry and his newly found 
religion think there has to be a reason for their suffering. 
Yes, you’re idiots. Curly wonders why Tia doesn’t bring Jack 
back the same way she brought back Barbossa. She snaps that 
Barbossa was just dead, whereas Jack has been “taken” to “a 
place not of deat, but punishmeant. De worst fate a persahn can 
bring ‘pon himself. Stretching on forevah. Dat’s what awaits at 
Davy Jones’ Lockah.” Well, why didn’t you just say so?

Will is hovering over the charts, mumbling that nothing is set 
on them and they “can’t be as accurate as modern charts”. Well, 
seeing as you’re able to spin several inlaid rings in them like 
a combination lock I’d say that’s a given. Chinaman says no, 
but it leads to “more places.” Some random hash marks line up 
to form the words “OVER THE EDGE OVER AGAIN”, which Will reads 
aloud and I’m sorry but those bright spots of red on his cheeks 
are distracting me. He looks like a damned half-painted clown. 
And the fact that his hands are shaking is a nice touch, but if 
it’s cold enough for icicles to be forming all over him his 
lips should be completely numb and he should be slurring worse 
than a drunkard.
   Chrissy: Oh, hush, Minnesota girl.
   Diandra: I’m just saying, when I come in from shoveling 
    the driveway it takes a good ten minutes for me to stop 
    sounding like I’ve been shot full of Novocain. 
   Chrissy: Yeah, but if you start picking at the details 
    like this we’re in for a *really* long ride.
   Diandra: We’re talking about a plot that centers around 
    sailing off the edge of the Earth because apparently 
    neither Copernicus or Galileo was born in this universe 
    to retrieve a drunken rock star/pirate from the 
    clutches of an immortal with a face full of tentacles. 
    If I don’t hold the writers accountable for details 
    like this, what do I have left?

Whatever. Will spins the wheels again to reveal the words 
SUNRISE SETS FLASH OF GREEN. Then he gives up and hands it to 
Barbossa, demanding an interpretation. I wish I could do that. 
“Ever gazed upon the green flash, Mr. Gibbs,” Barbossa asks. 
Gibbs says, well, there was that one really bad opium trip in 
Tortuga...no. He says he’s seen his fair share of it. “Happens 
on rare occasion. The last glimpse of sunset, a green flash 
shoots up into the sky...” Curly cuts in that it signals the 
return of a soul from the land of the dead. Yeah, or it happens 
when light refracts into the atmosphere and is amplified by a 
mirage. Whatever. 
   [Writers room, some years ago]
   Ted: Dude, I think I’m seeing a green flash right now. 
   And monkeys. Flying monkeys. Pass me the bong pipe.
Barbossa says trust me, Will. “It’s not getting to the land of 
the dead that’s the problem...it’s gettin’ back.” Pan of pretty 
glacial wasteland with dramatic music. I think if you look 
carefully you can see subliminal messages spelled in the ice 
(“Dear Academy voters...”). 

Whatever ship Beckett is on. I believe it’s called the 
Dickless. He looks at the wreckage of the ship the Dutchperson 
blew to hell and declares Jones a “loose cannon”. That’s a 
given, but I still don’t see why he felt a need to randomly 
destroy this ship. Beckett tells Mercer to fetch the chest. 
“And the governor,” Mercer asks. “He’s been asking questions 
about the heart.” Well I would probably ask questions too if I 
saw a heart beating all by itself outside of it’s owner’s body. 
Beckett asks if he knows. Mercer just looks at him and Beckett 
concludes that maybe his usefulness has run out.

Davy Fishface is playing a funereal march on his organ on the 
Dutchperson when his music box starts playing the same song he 
is...at the same place in the same measure. It’s magic I guess. 
He picks it up and a tear spills from one eye, which he wipes 
with a tentacle and stares at, baffled, then starts getting 
angry.

Up on deck, the Brit soldiers take up posts and try not to crap 
themselves at the sight of the undead, half sea-creature crew, 
two of them carrying the chest with the heart. Um...didn’t Davy 
Jones have the chest at the end of the last movie? Hello? 
Continuity people? Hello? Davy storms up and orders them to 
leave and “take that infernal thing with you.” Water flies from 
his mouth and splatters all over the deck. “I will not have it 
on my ship.” Beckett pipes up that *he* will because it insures 
that Davy will act as his – excuse me, the EITC’s – sock 
puppet. He says they need prisoners to interrogate, which, you 
know, tends to work better if they’re not dead so maybe Davy 
Jones can stop killing them, huh? Jones sneers that the 
Dutchperson will sail as her captain commands. Beckett says yeah, 
and that captain is to sail it as commanded, capeesh? The crew 
gasp in shock as Beckett steps closer and murmurs that he’d 
have thought that point would have been made clear when he 
ordered Davy to kill his “pet”. He did what now? When? “This is 
no longer your world, Jones. The immaterial has become 
immaterial.” What the hell does that mean? And how have we 
managed to totally neuter the villains of the previous movies 
in favor of this asshat?

Star filled sky. The world’s second creepiest music box plays 
over the soundtrack (the first being the one Rambaldi buried in 
an ice cave).
   Chrissy: You can stop with the Alias references now. The 
    show’s been over for two years.
   Diandra: Pbbbbbbtttttt.
The Crouching Dragon sails into view and with the reflections 
on the still water it looks like it’s actually flying through 
the sky. It’s kinda neat. (Connect the dots in the 
stars...”dear Acadamy...”). Apparently we’re out of the ice 
field and into warmer waters. Will finds Liz on the bow and 
asks how long they’re going to continue not speaking to each 
other. Considering she’s the one who kissed Jack and then sent 
him to purgatory, shouldn’t *he* be the one refusing to speak 
to *her*? She says once they rescue Jack “everything will be 
fine.” Sure it will. Coughnotcough. He says okay, then, they’ll 
rescue Jack. Could you maybe work out your issues in the 
meantime? She brushes past him and he just looks out ahead, 
eyes widening as he notices that the ocean up ahead of them 
seems to come to a rather abrupt and alarming end. He runs to 
tell Barbossa, who calmly says yep, “we’re good and lost now.” 
But then you have to be lost to find a place that can’t be 
found. 
   Terry: [loopy giggling] Wheee! Monkeys!

Gibbs frantically notes that they’re gaining speed and Barbossa 
says yep. Will orders everyone to their stations and they 
frantically try to turn the ship around. Barbossa screams at 
them to ignore Will’s orders and keep going straight. We pan 
away from the ship and out over the giant waterfall they are 
headed toward so we can see just how much they are, indeed, 
fucked. Liz whirls on Barbossa and accuses him of dooming them 
all. He says she should be nicer to him since they may not 
survive this and these might be the last “friendly” words 
she’ll ever hear. Will and Liz finally get the ship turned but 
it’s too late and it goes sliding ass first over the edge of 
the waterfall, Barbossa cackling madly all the way down. Then 
the screen goes black and a bunch of sound effects and jaunty 
music and dialogue so blatantly from the Pirates of the 
Caribbean ride it makes my head hurt play across the 
soundtrack. Oy.

White screen. A nose appears from one side, sniffing like a dog 
trying to locate drugs. This was incredibly creepy on a forty-
foot screen. 
   Chrissy: It’s still creepy on a thirteen inch screen.
The foreground, which is apparently some sort of turntable, 
moves and a half of a peanut slides into view. The owner of the 
nose turns and some very familiar hands tie a napkin around a 
familiar neck. Yeah, for those of us who saw the first couple 
movies it’s obviously Jack (and if you didn’t see them...why 
are you here?). He spears the peanut with a fork, licks his 
lips, looks around furtively, goes to put it in his mouth and 
is shot. He falls over and we pan to... Jack, holding a smoking 
pistol. “My peanut,” he says, popping it in his mouth. He yells 
orders to the guy in the netting, who is also Jack, who yells 
to the rest of the crew, who...oh, lord they’re all Jack 
clones. Well, at least he’s putting his multiple personalities 
to good use. One Jack lays on the ground muttering “help”, 
another prances around clucking like a chicken and yet another 
appears to be hitting on a goat (what the goat is doing there 
is anyone’s guess). And if you look closely you can actually 
see the last of Jack’s marbles rolling around loose on the 
deck.

Actual Jack (we can tell he is because he’s the only one 
wearing the hat) comes up on one of his “men” and yells at him 
about the condition of a tack line. It should be noted that 
this clone is not wearing a shirt and has tattoos all over his 
upper body.
   Diandra: [shoving Chrissy aside] Who said you could take 
   over my keyboard? And mop up that drool, would you?
The clone, let’s call him Nice Jack, says beg your pardon, sir, 
“but perhaps if you gave a man another chance.” Actual Jack 
runs him through with a sword and sneers “that sort of thinking 
got us into this mess.” Nice Jack falls over and Actual Jack 
starts ranting about precious time being lost and it can’t be 
recovered and do his alter egos understand? He whirls and 
announces that this should serve as a “lesson” to the lot of 
them and the camera spins to show that he is talking to no 
one. Well, duh. He jumps on the railing and grabs a rope, 
saying “Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.” He 
swoops to the ground and we see that the Pearl is beached in 
the middle of a vast expanse of white desert. I guess now we 
know how the Black Rock ended up on Lost island. “No wind,” he 
notes, holding his finger in the air. “Of course there’s no 
bloody wind.” 

He starts ambling away from the ship, stops and looks at a rock 
on the ground. He picks it up and tosses it. “Yes sir, I know, 
but why? Why would he do that?” Who is he talking to and why 
are we only getting one side of the conversation now? “Because 
he’s a lummox, isn’t he? Well we shall have a magnificent 
garden party and you’re not invited. Heh.” Is any of this 
actually in the script? He stops, turns and sees the rock 
behind him again. “Shoo,” he says, making accompanying hand 
gestures. Heh. Then he picks it up, licks it for unknown 
reasons and tosses it again. The camera follows it this time 
and we see little crab legs emerge from the shell. ‘Ew,’ the 
crab thinks, shivering. ‘Unwashed pirate saliva.’ “Now we’re 
being followed by rocks,” Jack mutters. “Never heard that 
before.” He then attempts to drag the Pearl via a long rope but 
apparently this particular lapse in logical physics is not 
covered by the Locker since it’s not working. The crab watches, 
clicking its claws periodically. ‘*This* is what they call 
advanced, intelligent life forms?’ it thinks. 

Jack finally gives up and collapses on his back in the sand. 
The crab scoots over to a field with hundreds of other “rocks” 
and makes a few clicking and squeaking noises and they all 
spring to life and parade over to the Pearl.

Jack is still laying on the ground as the shadow of the ship 
starts passing over him. He wakes up, scrambles to his feet and 
backs up, staring as it passes by him, crabs tumbling beneath 
it like runners on a tank. He stands with a hilariously stupid 
look on his face for a good minute before running off after the 
ship.

Elsewhere in Lockerland, the Hapless Crew stumble onto shore 
amid what is left of the Crouching Dragon. Gibbs takes one look 
around and says “this truly is a Godforsaken place.” A bit 
quick to pass judgment, wouldn’t you say? Liz moans that she 
doesn’t see Jack or anyone else for that matter. Barbossa, hat 
still firmly on his head, says he’s here all right because Davy 
Jones never gives up anything he takes. Will grumbles that it 
doesn’t matter because they’re trapped here now too. A couple 
of crabs scurry past and Tia Dalma announces that “witty Jack 
is closah den you tink.” On cue, the Pearl “sails” over the 
nearest sand dune, Jack standing on the mast in the same pose he 
was in when we first met him. Everyone stares, slackjawed, as 
the ship slides down the beach and into the water. “Boat,” Larry 
says, pointing. No, honey, it’s a ship, but that’s a good guess! 
[Pats Larry’s head] Gibbs runs to greet Jack, grinning. Liz 
smiles and moves to follow, getting less than two inches before 
freezing and looking guiltily at Will out of the corner of her 
eye. Seriously, Ted and Terry, could we drop this?

Jack looks less than thrilled by his welcome committee. “Mr. 
Gibbs,” he barks. “I expect you’re able to account for your 
actions.” Gibbs looks confused. “There’s been a perpetual and 
virulent lack of discipline upon my vessel. Why?” Because 
apparently you and your alter egos can’t get along? Gibbs 
informs Jack that he is in Davy’s locker. Jack’s eyes roll to 
the side and he says “I know that,” in a way that clearly says 
“at least I do now.” Barbossa barges his way back on screen and 
Jack greets him as “Hector” because that is what Johnny Depp 
jokingly called him in the commentary of the first movie and 
the fans took him seriously. He says it’s been too long. 
Barbossa grits yes, “Isla de Muerta, remember? You shot me.” 
Yes, let’s ignore the fact that this was after you mutinied 
against him and left him to die on a deserted island *twice*. 
Not to mention kidnapping both Liz and Will and threatening to 
kill Will and Jack a few times. “No I didn’t,” Jack says 
nervously and quickly moves on to Tia. “You add an agreeable 
sense of the macabre to any delirium,” he drawls. Will, next to 
her, concludes that Jack thinks they’re a hallucination. You’re 
a genius Will. Jack rounds on him and asks if he’s come because 
he needs help rescuing a “distressing damsel...er, rather, 
damsel in distress? Either one?” Will says no. Jack steps 
closer, leers suggestively and asks if there’s anything else 
Will needs from him...[WHACK!] Ahem. He concludes that Will 
only ever comes to him when he needs help in the rescuing 
department, ergo he’s not really here now. “Pity,” he mutters, 
eyeing Will’s crotch. [WHACK!]

Liz steps up and gently says that this is real. Jack makes a 
few aborted gestures and scampers over to Gibbs. “The locker, 
you say?” Heh. Liz follows to announce that they’re here to 
rescue him. He says really? Well, that’s nice but “it would 
seem that as I possess a ship and you don’t, you’re the ones in 
need of rescuing and I’m not sure as I’m in the mood to.” It’s 
so like Jack to turn that around, though technically he’s 
right. Barbossa says he sees *his* ship right over there and 
points to the Pearl. Jack makes a show of squinting and saying 
he doesn’t see it. Will’s had enough of this and tells Jack 
that Beckett has Davy’s heart and controls the Dutchperson. Liz 
adds that he’s taken over the seas and Tia tosses in that That 
Blasted Song has been sung and the Brethren Court has been 
called to convene. “Leave you people alone for just a minute, 
look what happens,” Jack mutters. “Everything’s gone to pot!” 
Gibbs says the world *really* needs him back (lord help us) and 
Will adds that he’ll need a crew. Jack asks why the hell he 
would sail with any of them. “Four of you have tried to kill me 
in the past. One of you succeeded.” He points in Will’s general 
direction. Will looks baffled like ‘I did NOT!’, then turns to 
see Liz behind him, looking guilty. “Oh, she’s not told you,” 
Jack realizes. ‘Good, then you’ll have something to talk about 
after I leave you here to fend for yourselves.’

Jack turns to Tia, who giggles and bats her eyes and challenges 
him to tell her he didn’t “enjoy it at de time.” He says yeah, 
okay, she’s in. Snerk. Then he goes down the line: Larry scares 
him so no, but Gibbs can come, as can Marty. Curly...no. 
Cotton’s okay, “Cotton’s parrot...a little iffy, but at least 
I’ll have someone to talk to.” I think you were doing just fine 
in that department all by your onsies. He frowns at Chinaman 
and asks who the hell he is. He says he’s Tai Huang and the 
scary looking oriental pirates behind him are his men. Jack 
asks where his “allegiances” lie. Chinaman, good pirates that 
he is, says with the “highest bidder” which, seeing as Jack has 
a ship, is currently him. Jack says great then, let’s go and 
everybody scrambles. Jack looks at the Compass of Misdirection, 
which spins noncommittally. “Jack,” Barbossa purrs, holding up 
the charts. Will, Liz, Larry and Curly stand behind him. “Which 
way are you going, Jack?” ‘Damnit,’ the thought bubble over 
Jack’s head reads.

Ship of Fools. Jack and Barbossa both shout orders...the *same* 
orders, Jack looking pissy. “What *are* you doing,” Barbossa 
demands. “What are *you* doing,” Jack fires back. “No, what 
*are* you doing?” “What are *you* doing?” Repeat ad nauseum. 
“Captain gives orders on the ship,” Jack says. Yeah, that would 
be the problem, wouldn’t it? Barbossa says he is, so pbbbbttt. 
Jack says it’s *his* ship and if Barbossa doesn’t stop being 
such a big bully he’s gonna tell Mom. “STOW IT,” Curly screams. 
“The both of you! That’s an order! Understand?!” Jack and 
Barbossa both stare at him like ‘woah, look at the balls on 
that one...bet they’d make nice fishing tackle.’ Curly says er, 
I mean, uh...sorry. “I just thought with the captain issue in 
doubt I’d throw in my name for consideration.” Jack and 
Barbossa brush past him, jostling each other on their race for 
the wheel and Curly breathes a sigh of relief.

Top deck. Barbossa hauls out a two foot scope to look out 
at...who the hell knows. Jack saunters up beside him, smirks 
and pulls out his own scope only to discover that it’s, like, 
four inches long, and sheepishly slink off. Sigh. I am so glad 
I’m a girl and therefore have no reason to fret over the size 
of my equipment.

Welcome to Melodrama 101. Today, we will learn how, with a few 
angsty facial expressions and some awkward stage direction, you 
can make any scene look like a bad soap opera. Will finds Liz 
below deck, sitting on the stairs to the upper deck. 
   Hans Zimmer: Maybe nobody will notice that this “love 
    theme” I keep playing has a melody that bears a 
    striking similarity to “My Heart Will Go On”.
   Chrissy: Knowing how this movie ends, that’s actually 
    kind of appropriate.
   Diandra: Oh, hush.
“You left Jack to the Kraken,” Will says. Figure that one out 
all by yourself, did you? Liz says it’s okay now, he’s been 
rescued. It’s over. Will turns his back on her and she leaps 
up. “I had no choice,” she yips. Will, back still to her, says 
“you chose not to tell me.” Gag. “It wasn’t your burden to 
bear.” Will turns and takes a few steps toward her. “But I did 
bear it, didn’t I? I just didn’t know what it was. I 
thought...” “You thought I loved him,” she finishes. She turns 
like she’s going to leave and he grabs her and stiffly pushes 
her back a few steps. “If you make your choices alone, how can 
I trust you?” “You can’t,” she whimpers. “But it doesn’t 
matter. I’m pregnant!” Will doesn’t react because, unbeknownst 
to her, he is not really Will, he’s Gil, Will’s recently 
discovered evil twin. He turns away from her, smirks and goes 
to twirl his mustache. Unfortunately, there’s not enough hair 
on his face for such a gesture, so he ends up twirling his 
ponytail instead.
   Chrissy: Congratulations. You managed to make this scene 
    even more ridiculous than it already is.
   Diandra: Thank you. I try.

Actually, Liz just wrestles away from Will and dashes up the 
stairs. Y’know, Ted and Terry made a lot of noise in the extras 
about the great romance subplot in this movie, but I would like 
to submit this scene as evidence that they don’t know *how* to 
write romance.
   Chrissy: They’re men. What did you expect?
   Diandra: Yeah, that and they’re working with one of the 
    worst movie couples of all time (#3 in fact...look it 
    up if you don’t believe me. I think it was an MSN 
    poll), but they could at least try not to make it so 
    cheesy that I can’t get through a scene with the two of 
    them without laughing until I pee my pants.

Night. Larry and Curly spot ghostly floating bodies in the 
water. Once they get over the shock, Larry wonders what would 
happen if they dropped a cannonball on one of them. Before they 
can test the theory, Tia gives them a glare that would singe 
the hair off a monkey’s ass. “They should be in de care of 
Dayvey Joehnes,” she expositions. “Dat was de duty ‘im was 
chahged wit by de Goddess Calypso. Ta ferry does who die at sea 
te tha otha side. And evry ten years him could come ashore. To 
be wit she ‘ho love him...truly.” Yes, we remember this much, 
thanks. “But de man ‘as become a monstah.” Larry concludes that 
he wasn’t always so...”tentacly” then. Tia says no, he was a 
man once. And from the wistful smile and the way she fingers 
one of the trinkets around her neck it’s blaringly apparent 
that she is, in fact, the woman Davy cut his heart out over. 

A bunch of rowboats follow the bodies. Will stops Gibbs from 
shooting any of them because he’s pretty sure they’re not a 
threat...right? Tia says no, as far as they know, we’re ghosts. 
Barbossa says they should just let them be. We see a bunch of 
catatonic looking people, each with a lantern lighting their 
dead looking faces in the boats...and then Liz spots Governor 
Daddy in one of the boats. Oh, here we go. She decides that this 
means they’ve made it back and starts shouting excitedly at 
Daddy, who doesn’t react. Jack gently tells her that, actually, 
they’re not back yet. Liz, ever the one in denial, shouts for 
Daddy again. He hears this time and asks if she’s dead. “I think 
I am. There was this chest, you see...” I imagine if the 
Exposition Fairy were here, she would be screaming and beating 
the television with her wand, but that’s just speculation as I 
haven’t seen her since Erin filed that restraining order. Daddy 
says it seemed so important at the time...something about a 
heart... 

Mr. Plot Contrivance holds up a cue card and Governor Daddy 
reads “I learned that if you stab the heart, yours must take 
its place and you will sail the seas for eternity.” Okay, A: 
How random is this exposition placement? And B: As I recall, 
Jones cut his heart out because of a woman. It wasn’t a 
requirement of the job as Captain of the Flying Dutchperson. 
There’s really no reason to oh fuck it. “Dutchman must have a 
captain...” Liz frantically throws him a line to pull him 
onboard while Tia parks herself next to Will and dramatically 
repeats the line she gave him in the last movie: “a touch...of 
destiny.” How did I miss that line the first time I saw this 
movie?
   Chrissy: You were probably distracted by the crashing 
    anvils.
   Diandra: Yeah, that’s probably it.

Governor Daddy ignores the cast line and murmurs “I was so 
proud of you, Elizabeth.” Will runs to catch her before she 
throws herself right off the ship. Governor Daddy promises to 
give her love to her mother and she screams and cries on Will’s 
shoulder. Will asks if there’s any way... Tia shakes her head 
grimly and says he’s at peace.

Day. Er...evening? Hard to tell. Everyone’s looking rather 
ragged and apparently there’s no more water or rum. Liz sits 
quietly on the stairs, looking shell shocked. Tia tells Will 
that if they can’t “escape dese duldrums befoah night, I fear 
we will sail on trackless seas, doomed to roooom de reach 
between warld’s. Forevah.” She gets louder and more ominous as 
she talks, until Will is looking at her like ‘okay, crazy lady, 
now please get away from me.’ He wonders aloud to no one why 
Barbossa doesn’t “do something.” He and Gibbs wander around 
restlessly muttering about green flashes and going over the 
edge and “sunrises don’t *set*,” damnit, what the hell is going 
on? Jack is futzing with the charts and lines up a few hash 
marks to read “UP IS DOWN”. “Well that’s just maddeningly 
unhelpful,” he grumbles. “Clear as mud, Jackie,” a familiar 
voice whispers and a tiny version of Jack appears on Jack’s 
shoulder. Let’s call him...oh...Id. “Stab the heart,” he 
hisses. Another tiny Jack – Superego – appears on his other 
shoulder and yelps “Don’t stab the heart.” I’m just arbitrarily 
naming these manifestations of Jack’s psyche here. Given that 
Jack has morals looser than a drunken sailor’s knot I’m 
guessing that the distinction between the two  - good and bad - 
will not be entirely clear. Jack says huh? Superego says the 
Dutchperson must have a captain. Jack says that’s “more than less 
than unhelpful.” Id says he can sail the seas for an eternity. 
Superego says what about port? Jack says he prefers Will. 
[WHACK!] Uh, rum. I meant rum. 
   Chrissy: Getting desperate, are we?
   Diandra: You’ve no idea.

Superego says *making* port, where they can get rum and maybe a 
wench or two every ten years. Like I said, the distinction 
between the two mini Jack’s is unclear. Id says ten years is a 
long time, but eternity is even longer. This lesson in basic 
math has been brought to you by the letter A for Alcohol. 
Superego asks how Jack plans to spend eternity. “Dead? Or not?” 
“The immortal Captain Sparrow,” Id murmurs. Jack likes the 
sound of that. Superego says well, come sunset it won’t matter 
anyway. A light bulb goes off over Jack’s head and he says no, 
not sunset, sun *down*. He spins the center wheel – which is 
basically just a picture of a ship at sea – upside down, then 
leaps up, squawks “what’s that?” and runs to the ship rail. 
Gibbs and Will follow, confused. “What is that,” Jack repeats. 
Then he looks at his left shoulder and answers “I don’t know, 
what do you think?” Gibbs asks what the hell he’s looking at, 
searching the vast expanse of nothing. Jack just yelps and runs 
to the other side of the ship, Gibbs and Will trailing behind, 
now joined by Chinaman. They run back and forth, Tia, a couple 
other Chinese guys and finally Liz joining them. Liz demands to 
know what’s going on. Jack just makes a loopy noise and runs to 
the other side of the ship. Instead of trying to tackle him and 
calm him down everyone just keeps following back and forth 
until Gibbs and Curly figure out that they’re rocking the ship. 
I love that they don’t question *why* they’re rocking the ship. 
Maybe they’ve just given into the fact that logic does not 
apply to these movies. Or maybe they’ve arrived at the same 
conclusion as Jack because Barbossa looks at the map and 
murmurs “aye, he’s onto it.” He shouts at the now full deck 
crew running back and forth to “time it with the swell” and 
goes below deck to untie all the cannons and cargo and anything 
that has significant weight. 

Larry and Curly tie themselves upside down to the mast so 
they’ll be right side up when the ship flips over. Because they 
have the combined IQ of a hairball. Barbossa comes back up to 
join the runners. Back and forth. Back and forth.
   Chrissy: Kind of like watching tennis, isn’t it?
   Diandra: [stares at screen in a glassy-eyed, hypnotic state]
   Chrissy: Diandra?
   Diandra: [shakes self] Uh, yeah. Where was I?
A couple Asian extras fall off and one is crushed by a loose 
cannon. Finally, the ship starts to flip over and everyone 
holds onto the railings as it splashes upside down. Will 
immediately loses his grip on impact and Liz frantically tries 
to grab him. Cannons and crap fall everywhere. We linger on the 
submerged crew for a really long time before going to long shot 
and slowly spinning the camera so the ocean and sky change 
places. Y’know, in case we’re still not clear on the whole “up 
is down” thing. 

The sun finally dips below the horizon, followed by a big ass 
green flash and the entire ocean rises to meet the ship, 
sending Will and everyone else crashing back to the deck. 
Somewhere nearby, some guy on a fishing boat has just seen the 
entire ship suddenly spring from the water like an overgrown 
daisy and has vowed to quit drinking... eventually. 

“Blessed sweet westerlies,” Gibbs splutters. “We’re back.” Liz 
notes that the sun is rising in the distance and Barbossa 
smiles. Then he turns and points a pistol at Jack. Will, Liz 
and Gibbs respond by pointing pistols at him. Jack points a 
pistol at Will. Will points a pistol at Jack. Jack makes a face 
(I thought you loved me! [WHACK!]) and points another pistol at 
Liz, who already has a second pistol on him and Barbossa has 
another pistol pointed at Will. Jack the Monkey points a toy 
pistol at Cotton’s parrot, who immediately invokes parlay. Heh. 
Pause. Barbossa laughs, followed by Jack, Will and Liz and they 
all slowly lower their weapons. Then their laughter dies and 
they all raise them again. “All right then,” Barbossa barks. 
Heee! “The Brethren Court is a-gatherin’ at Shipwreck Cove and 
Jack, you and I are a-goin’ and there’ll be no arguin’ that 
point.” Jack says he *is* arguing that point because, frankly, 
if there’s pirates gathering “I’m pointing my ship the other 
way.” Liz turns both pistols on him and growls that they’re 
gathering to fight Beckett and he’s a pirate so he’s *going*, 
damnit. 

Jack turns both pistols on her which, naturally, prompts Will 
to turn both pistols on *him*. Will says Jack’s fighting 
whether he likes it or not. He’s not running away this time. 
Damnit, you’re not leaving me again! Sob! [WHACK!] Ahem. Jack 
turns a pistol back on him. Barbossa says if they don’t stand 
together they’ll be hunted one by one until Jack’s the only one 
left. Jack, to no one’s surprise, actually kind of likes that 
idea. “Captain Jack Sparrow: The Last Pirate.” Barbossa takes a 
step toward him and says yeah, and then he can duke it out with 
Davy Jones all by himself. How do you like them apples?
   Chrissy: [groan] Don’t mention apples in connection with 
    Barbossa.
   Diandra: Sorry. I forgot.
Jack says he’s still working that one out but he’s definitely 
not going back to the Locker, thank you. He transfers his 
pistol from Will to Barbossa and fires...and a squirt of water 
comes out. Everyone fires all their guns and water comes out of 
all of them. Yay, water pistols! “Wet powder,” Gibbs grumbles 
and the group disbands, calling it a draw.

Will unrolls the map and points to some spot, declaring there 
is a “fresh water spring” on this island. And we know this how? 
“We can resupply there and get back to shooting each other 
later.” Heh. Jack says okay, if by shooting you mean [WHACK!] 
he can lead the search party and Jack’ll stay with the ship. 
Barbossa says no way, he’s not leaving *his* ship in Jack’s 
command. Will suggests they both leave the ship in *his* 
command. The dueling captains look at him like a whole pile of 
marbles just came tumbling from his left nostril. 
“Temporarily,” he adds. Heh. But before we do that, we take a 
moment while Barbossa looks through his two foot telescope at 
the island and Jack steps beside him and raises a scope so big 
the weight actually causes it to bend in the middle. Millions 
of children tug on their Mommies sleeves and say “I don’t get 
it. What does that mean?” Unfortunately, the Mommies are too 
busy drooling over Johnny Depp to come up with an answer.

On the island, the group finds the carcass of the Kraken 
sprawled all along a section of the beach. Curly declares it a 
“stupid fish” and Larry corrects that it’s actually a 
cephalopod. Seriously, when did he become the smart one? And 
more importantly, *how* did he become the smart one as it was 
noted in the last movie that he can’t read? They talk about 
turning the Kraken into a tourist attraction while Jack stares 
at it’s dead eye (it had eyes?). Barbossa asks if he’s still 
thinking of running. “Think you can outrun the world? Y’know 
the problem with bein’ the last of anythin’...by and by there 
be none left at all.” And yet Bond villains persist in 
concocting plots to destroy the world and become king of the 
smoldering remains. Jack says sometimes things come back, of 
which they are living proof. Barbossa says sure, but those 
aren’t great odds and there’s no guarantee of coming back. “But 
passin’ on, that’s dead certain.” Oh, look who made a funny. He 
says summoning the Brethren court is their only hope. “That’s a 
sad commentary in and of itself,” Jack mutters. Know what’s 
sadder? The fact that this entire save the world plot hinges on 
Jack, the drunken bumbling ninny who would step over his own 
grandmother if there was rum involved. Barbossa says the world 
used to be a bigger place. Jack says it’s still the same, 
there’s just less in it. I’m tired of this conversation and 
it’s accompanying metaphors. Can we get back to the adventure 
story? We haven’t had a sword fight in a while. Or an 
explosion. I’m sure Mr. Bruckheimer is keeping score.

They find some random Asian guy face down in a pond and Curly 
claims to remember him from Singapore but they’re distracted 
when Larry the lookout yells that they have company. Sure 
enough, a ship is pulling up alongside the Pearl. Suddenly, all 
the Asian guys in the search party point weapons at the Hapless 
Crew. “He’s the captain,” Jack says, pointing to Barbossa. Heh. 

The group is taken back to the Pearl, where Sao Feng has taken 
everyone hostage. 
   Chrissy: Five, Will! Five!
   Diandra: Where is Will?
Barbossa says gee, what a remarkable coincidence you showing up 
here. Sao Feng ignores him, focusing on the skittish drunken 
pirate attempting to hide behind him. He says Jack paid “great 
insult” to him once. Jack says that doesn’t sound like him. Sao 
Feng punches him in the nose. Jack pops it back into place and 
says “shall we just call it square then?” Heh. Will elbows his 
way forward suddenly and orders Sao Feng to release Liz because 
“she’s not part of the bargain.” Barbossa asks what the hell 
he’s talking about. Sao Feng turns to his men and says “you 
heard Captain Turner.” Jack’s eyes bulge until they nearly fall 
right out of his head and roll over the sides of the deck. 
“Captain,” he repeats. Gibbs says yeah, about that... bastard 
mutinied while you were gone. Ha! Will explains (again) that he 
needs the Pearl to free his father, which is really the only 
reason he came on this mission in the first place. Liz stomps 
over to ask why the hell he didn’t inform her. Oh, I’m going to 
go out on a limb here and say ‘because you never would have 
gone for it’. He just goes for the low blow, saying “it wasn’t 
your burden to bear.” Dude. You are *so* going to regret that.

Jack gets a bee in his...hanky and points to Will, Liz and 
Barbossa in turn, whining “Captain Turner needs the Pearl. And 
you felt guilty. And you and your Brethren Court. Did no one 
come to save me just because they missed me?” Marty, Larry, 
Curly, Cotton and Jack the Monkey raise their hands. Jack 
smiles. “I’m standing over there with them.” Sao Feng grabs him 
by the scruff of the neck and says there’s an old friend who 
wants to see him first. Liz, meanwhile, stares at Will like if 
she tries hard enough she can set him on fire with her eyes 
alone.

And we’re on the Dickless. Sao Feng apparently doesn’t know the 
meaning of the word “friend” because Jack is shoved in a room 
with Beckett. “Your friends appear to be quite desperate,” he 
purrs. “Perhaps they no longer believe that a gathering of 
squabbling pirates can defeat the Flying Dutch[person]. And so 
despair leads to betrayal.” Jack just takes the opportunity to 
search all the nearby containers while Beckett has his back 
turned until Beckett informs him that “it’s not here”. “What? 
What isn’t,” Jack says defensively. “The heart of Davy Jones.” 
Really, Jack, do you think he’d be able to hide it in that 
teapot you were just searching? I’d think you’d be able to hear 
it thumping if it were in the vicinity. Beckett says it’s safe 
aboard the Dutchperson so he can’t use it as leverage to 
“satisfy your debts to the good captain.” Jack says that 
“account” has been taken care of. Beckett says yeah, by his 
death. And seeing as he’s still alive that might be a bit of a 
problem. Beckett asks what Jack thinks Jones will do when he 
finds out.

Cut to the Pearl. Er...that was abrupt. Sao Feng tells Mercer 
that he already has enough crew. Mercer says “company ship, 
company crew”. Will stomps up to whine that the ship was 
supposed to be *his*, damnit. They agreed! Sao Feng says yes, 
and it was his for about five minutes. He nods at a couple of 
his men, who lunge forward to grab Will, socking him in the 
stomach.
   Chrissy: Like I said, five!

Beckett...auuuugh...asks if Jack will consider an “alternate 
arrangement” wherein he only has to give them information. As 
opposed to, say, blood. He hands Jack a tiny goblet of liquor 
which Jack slowly accepts because, hey, it’s not like he’s the 
type to ever turn down booze. Then he grabs Beckett’s tiny 
goblet as well and downs both as he guesses this has to do with 
the Brethren Court and he will be fairly compensated. “Square 
my debt with Jones? Guarantee my freedom?” Beckett says yes, of 
course. “It’s just good business.” Jack wonders what Beckett 
wants to know. Beckett says everything. Where do they meet? Who 
are they? What are the pieces of eight for?

Pearl. Seriously, are these abrupt cuts supposed to disorient 
the viewers? Because it’s working. Will is now in handcuffs and 
looking pissed off. Sao Feng whispers to Mercer that Beckett 
agreed the Pearl was to be *his*. Okay, we’re talking about a 
ship that was plugged full of holes in the first movie, right? 
The one with the tattered sails? Why is everyone so damned het 
up on taking command of it?
   Chrissy: Because it’s the only ship that can sail faster 
    than the Dutchperson and it represents *freedom*, 
    remember?
   Diandra: [gag] Right. I forgot about those stupid plot 
    devices. Okay, well, that explains Beckett and possibly 
    Sao Feng, but what about Will?
   Chrissy: Like I said, the Pearl can outrun the 
    Dutchperson, which is where his father is. He probably 
    planned on going after the Dutchperson, taking his father 
    back and running like hell.
   Diandra: [blink] And how does pissing Fishface off and 
    getting himself killed help his father any?
   Chrissy: Hey, I didn’t say it was a *good* plan.
Mercer informs Sao Feng that Beckett will not be giving up the 
only ship that can outrun the Dutchperson, which he has already 
taken over as well, and stalks away while Sao Feng’s face 
twitches with rage. Barbossa says shame about them not honoring 
the Brethren Code, isn’t it? “Honor’s a hard thing to come by 
nowadays.” Well, he would know. Sao Feng says there’s no honor 
in staying on the “losing side” and repeats the part about it 
being “good business”. So, in other words, consumerist business 
has fucked up the world? Is that what we’re trying to say?
   Chrissy: Yes. Thought it’s somewhat ironic coming from a 
   franchise that has produced a disgusting amount of 
   merchandise.

Barbossa wonders why he thinks they’re the losing side. Sao 
Feng points out that they have both the Dutchperson and the only 
ship faster than the Dutchperson. What do the Brethren have? A 
bunch of tugboats? Barbossa says yeah, well, we have Calypso. 
Sao Feng’s eyes shift pointedly toward Will and Liz and he 
laughs. Barbossa says no really, they have the goddess herself 
in human form. “Imagine all the power of the seas brought to 
bear against our enemy.” Sao Feng is too fascinated by the 
prospect to notice the confused looks Will and Liz are sharing. 
We have Calypso? Really? WHY IS NOBODY SHARING ANY INFORMATION 
WITH ANYBODY?! Barbossa says he intends to release her but he 
needs the Brethren Court to do it.

Dickless. Jack is waving a pretty little decorative fan over 
his face as he says Beckett can keep Barbossa, “the belligerent 
homunculus and his friend with the wooden eye.” But he gets to 
keep Will. [WHACK!] Actually, Beckett can have him too. He’s 
nothing but a headache. And a backache. [WHACK!] Oh, [blows a 
raspberry]. The rest of the Hapless Crew goes with him and the 
Pearl and then he’ll gladly lead Beckett and his minions to 
Shipwreck Cove and hand over the pirates and Beckett will 
return the favor by not handing him to Davy Jones. Though the 
rest of the pirates probably will. Factor that into your plan, 
Jack? Beckett asks about Liz. Oh, she goes with Will whether 
you like it or not. She’s kind of annoying that way. Jack asks 
why Beckett is interested in her.

Pearl. Okay, now I’m just getting dizzy. Could we stop with the 
disjointed scene cuts sometime soon here? Sao Feng asks what 
Barbossa is proposing. Barbossa asks what he would be willing 
to accept. Sao Feng smirks. “The girl.” “What,” Liz squawks.

Dickless. Beckett says oh, wait, he just remembered he has this 
lovely compass that points to anything he wants so what does he 
need Jack for? THEN WHY THE HELL DID WE GO THROUGH THIS 
CHARADE?!
   Chrissy: Breathe, honey.

Will snarls that Liz is not part of *any* deal. And how are you 
going to stop them, sweetie? Luckily, Barbossa agrees with him 
and says it’s out of the question. Sao Feng says it *wasn’t* a 
question.

Jack clarifies that the compass points to what he wants most, 
which in this case is not the Brethren Court. Beckett asks what 
he *does* want then. Jack smiles. “Me.” Oh, get over yourself. 
[WHACK!] “Dead,” he adds belatedly.

“Done,” Liz says. Will splutters. “What? Not done!” She points 
out that he’s the one who got them into this mess and if 
striking a deal is going to get them out of it she’ll damned 
well do it!

“Damn,” Beckett says, tossing the compass at Jack. Jack tosses 
him the fan, which he uses on his face as he ponders whether 
it’ll point him to Shipwreck Cove if he just kills Jack now and 
cuts out the middle man, as it were. Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. 
I’m kind of losing track of what the hell is going on here with 
all this abrupt scene changing. Dear Mr. Verbinski: not 
everyone has the attention span of a fruit fly as you obviously 
do. Beckett cocks his pistol.

Will steps between Liz and Sao Feng and reminds her that Sao 
Feng and his men are pirates. Dear, as far as the law is 
concerned, you all are pirates too. She snarls that she’s had 
“more than enough experience dealing with pirates” and shoves 
him aside. Barbossa asks if they have an accord then.

Jack dances around in circles, making me even more seasick than 
all these scene changes are already, saying if Beckett kills 
him he’ll never get into the Cove because it’s a stronghold 
“able to withstand blockade for *years*.” With Jack alive, he 
would have a man on the inside. And he thinks he can accomplish 
all this, Beckett asks. What? I lost them there. “You may kill 
me, but you may never insult me,” Jack declares, making grand 
gestures. “Who am I?” Beckett looks blank. Jack’s face falls. 
“...m Captain Jack Sparrow.” Heh. A sudden explosion knocks 
Beckett off his feet. Jack wobbles, shakes Beckett’s flailing 
hand, declares “done!” and runs off.

   [Diandra groans and lays on the couch, pulling a pillow 
    over her face]
   Chrissy: Want me to drive for a while?
   Diandra: I’ll be fine in a minute. Could you get me a 
    few aspirin though? I think I’m going to need them. 
    Better yet, bring me the whole damned bottle.

Jack emerges on the deck of the Dickless to find chaos. Cannons 
are firing, swords are clanging and Barbossa appears to be 
fighting with Mercer. What the hell happened in the last two 
minutes? Beckett emerges a minutes later and finds Jack tying a 
rope to a cannon, throwing it over some rigging and lining up 
to swing over to the Pearl. “You’re mad,” he says. He’s a 
little slow on the uptake, obviously. “Thank goodness for that 
because if I wasn’t this’d probably never work,” Jack replies. 
He lights the cannon and the recoil of it firing sends it 
rolling backwards, yanking Jack upward and sending him flying, 
screaming like a banshee, across the gulf between ships. The 
Hapless Crew all run to see where he went or something and find 
him casually leaning on a decorative lamp over the deck. “And 
that was without even a single drop of rum,” he slurs. Heh. 
Barbossa grumbles and stomps off. Jack saunters up to Will, 
glowering, and orders the Hapless Crew to “send this pestilent, 
traitorous, cowhearted, yeasty codpiece to the brig...and by 
‘brig’ I mean ‘my cabin’. And make sure you relieve him of his 
clothes.”
   Chrissy: Are you finished?
   Diandra: Well...[WHACK!] Yes, I’m finished.

Ship of Nancies (aka the Dickless). First mate asks which ship 
they should follow. Beckett says send the Dutchperson after Sao 
Feng and they’ll follow the Pearl. How soon can they be ready 
to pursue? In response, the mast behind them splits and loudly 
topples into the water. First mate looks at it and asks “do you 
think he plans it all out or just makes it up as he goes 
along?” What a coincidence, that’s exactly the same thing I’ve 
wanted to ask about the writers. Though I’m afraid I already 
know what the answer would be.
   Hans Zimmer: [muttering to self] Let’s see...Curse of 
   the Black Pearl...track five...or is it six? 
   And...remix! Ha! No one will ever know the difference.

Morning. Sao Feng’s ship, which I’m going to assume is called 
the Flying Dragon or something along those lines.
   Chrissy: Are you saying the Chinese are uncreative when it 
    comes to names?
   Diandra: No, not at all. I’m sure it’s just a  
    coincidence that all Chinese restaurants seem to be 
    named using a template (Golden/Chinese/China 
    Dragon/Wok/Star/Sun/etc.) whether they belong to a 
    chain or not.
A couple servant girls dress Liz in oriental robes. Sao Feng 
enters, babbles an entire paragraph of untranslated Chinese 
(which I’m going to guess includes a lament about how much he 
wishes he had killed Jack while he had the chance but hey, at 
least he got a pretty girl out of the deal) and orders them to 
leave. He says by this time tomorrow they’ll get to Shipwreck 
Cove and “you will be free. Calypso.” Uh, oops. She looks 
surprised, though she probably shouldn’t given the way he looks 
at her every time anyone mentions Calypso. 

He blows off her confusion, saying he imagines of the many 
names she has that’s not her favorite, but ‘that’s the one we 
know’. The wheels strain to turn in her mind, but the hamster 
is getting kind of tired by now. “We being who?” He says “you 
confirm it.” “Confirm what?” Will SOMEBODY tell SOMEBODY what 
the HELL is GOING ON? She says he’s told her nothing. He says 
not him, the Brethren Court. The first one. The one that bound 
her in human form, which naturally he thinks was wrong of them 
but he’s probably just saying that to get on her good side. She 
finally catches on and starts playing along and the hamster 
collapses in exhaustion and takes a much needed nap. He says 
she should never be seen as anything less than what she is. She 
says nice words coming from the guy who just took her hostage. 
He asks if he can be blamed for trying. “All men are drawn to 
the sea, perilous though it may be.” Yes, that’s because all 
men are genetically stupid with suicidal tendencies. Or, as Liz 
puts it, “and some men offer desire as justification for their 
crimes.” You go girl. He says naw, he just offers his desire. 
She asks what he expects in return. Oh, I wouldn’t ask that. He 
says her “gifts” should she choose to give them. She asks what 
if she doesn’t. He says well, then, he’ll just take her anger 
and shoves her against a pole, kissing her. In other words, he 
has learned nothing from this conversation.

Liz wrestles him away and shoves him back several feet. He 
advances toward her again but doesn’t get far because suddenly 
an entire section of the wall explodes inward, sending him 
flying to the other side of the room. Looks like Davy Jones 
finally caught up. Chaos and fighting erupt outside. Inside, 
Liz crouches by Sao Feng, who has a large piece of debris 
sticking out of his stomach. Of course, he stays alive just long 
enough to have the following conversation. He hands her the 
skull pendant from around his neck, saying it’s one of the nine 
pieces of eight. She takes it slowly and he declares her captain 
of his ship now. She says whu? Who, me? He says she must go in 
his place to the Brethren Court meeting. First mate Chinaman 
stumbles down the stairs just in time to see him whisper 
“forgive me,” in “Calypso’s” ear before he dies. Chinaman 
demands to know what he said to her. She clutches the pendant, 
shell shocked, and mutters that he made her captain. Chinaman 
looks at her like ‘oh, sure. I’ve been busting my ass for the 
guy for years and what does he do to thank me? He goes and hands 
his command over to some pretty girl who just stumbled in off 
the pier with NO EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER! I fucking HATE this 
job!’

They stumble out on deck and are immediately grabbed by 
soldiers, who put swords to their throats. “You are not my 
captain,” Chinaman snarls. Fortunately (maybe) the soldier in 
charge of this particular unit appears to be Norri, who gapes 
and calls her name. She gasps and throws off her captor, 
flinging herself at him. “Thank god you’re alive,” he says. 
“Your father will be overjoyed to know you’re safe.” She 
frowns. “My father’s dead.” He gapes. ‘What? No, they told me 
he went to England’. Poor Norri. I bet he still thinks that dog 
he had as a kid went to some farm in the country too. Some 
distance away, Davy Jones asks who the men on this ship call 
captain. Chinaman, good little pirate that he is, points to Liz 
without missing a beat. Heh. Norri boggles. *You’re* the 
captain?! Try not to look so shocked, would you? He orders Davy 
to tow the ship and put the prisoners in the brig. Except the 
captain. She can have his quarters. And this time I’m not 
making that up.
   Chrissy: Why would you? It’s het.
   Diandra: Good point.
Liz says thanks but no thanks, she’s staying with her crew. The 
crew she was made captain of, like, five minutes ago. Quick 
with the loyalties, isn’t she? He grabs her arm and apologizes, 
saying he didn’t know... “Know what,” she interrupts. “Which 
side you chose? Well now you do.” Snap.

Brig on the Dutchperson. Liz tries to find Daddy Turner amid the 
creatures roaming around outside the cells. She finds him 
actually *in* the cell, half plastered into the wall with 
barnacles. “You know my name,” he says. She says yes, she knows 
his son. Bill looks confused. “Will Turner,” she adds. The 
light bulb finally goes off. Unfortunately its wattage is only 
in the single digits. “William!” He unearths himself from the 
wall and whoops excitedly. “He made it! He’s alive! And now he 
sends you to tell me that he’s coming to get me.” Um...sure. 
Liz says yes, he’s alive and he *wants* to help, but uh... 
Bill’s face falls. He can’t, he concludes. “He won’t come.” 
Well, that depends on Jack, I think. [WHACK!] Er, I mean, he’ll 
try anyway because he’s like a freaking dog with a bone – too 
stubborn to let go. Bill says he knows her. She’s the girl Will 
talked about. When? He says Will can’t save him. “He can’t come 
because of you.” What? Huh? How did that become an either/or 
scenario? “You’re Elizabeth,” he says like that explains 
everything. “If Jones be slain, he who slays him must take his 
place. Captain. Forever.” Yes, we’ve established this already 
and I still have the bruise from that anvil dropping on my 
head, thank you. Can we get to what the hell this has to do 
with the price of rice in China? So to speak, I mean. “If he 
saves me,” Bill concludes. “He loses you.” What?! How the hell 
are these two things interdependent? Hello? Writers?
   [Ted and Terry do not answer as they are too busy 
   staring at a lava lamp, pupils the size of quarters]

She says she understands. Really? Can you explain it to me 
then? Because I really don’t see any reason why Will would have 
to chose between Liz and rescuing his father.
   Chrissy: Because apparently in order to rescue his 
   father he has to kill Davy Jones and if he kills Davy 
   Jones...[sees Diandra giving her a death glare] never 
   mind.
Bill says Will won’t pick him over Liz. “I wouldn’t pick me. 
Tell him not to come. Tell him to stay away.” He sits back down 
and the barnacles grow back over him. “Tell him it’s too late. 
I’m already a part of the ship. And the crew.” He closes his 
eyes. She’s persistent though and she puts a hand on his arm 
and calls “Bootstrap”. His eyes fly open. “You know my name,” 
he says like he’s a computer and his memory of the last five 
minutes just disappeared from the hard drive for no damned 
reason because, hey, you didn’t expect these stupid machines to 
actually make your life any *easier*, did you? Ahem. Yeah, I 
might be having computer issues. At least this time Bill 
remembers his son’s name on the first try. “He’s coming for me. 
Wait and see,” he says like a child convinced that Santa is 
*real*, damnit. “You’ll see. He promised.”


TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2