Morning. Sea gulls flock around a barrel with a dead body tied to it floating in the water. The Brits haul it aboard the Dickless and break the bottle tied to it’s wrist. Inside is a piece of paper with the EITC logo on it. First mate notices a second barrel with a body on it about a mile away. “A breadcrumb trail,” Beckett concludes. And it’s meant for them to follow. First mate wonders if they have a traitor among them or if it’s just a trap. Beckett says it’s a “gambit by a skilled opponent.” Or a crazy suicidal one. Take your pick. Beckett says follow it. Hopefully they’ll reach their destination before whoever it is runs out of bodies. Pearl. Will, the Whore of the Caribbean, ties another body to a barrel and takes a long moment to stare at the knife his father gave him. Jack appears out of nowhere and says Will escaped from the brig faster than he expected. Will points the knife at him threateningly. Or it would be threatening if Jack weren’t standing about three yards away. Jack asks if he’s notice something...or rather the lack of something. Will realizes Jack hasn’t raised the alarm. Jack says yeah, strange isn’t it? Although not as strange as Will’s half-ass plan. “Come up with this all by your lonesome, did you?” Isn’t it painfully obvious? “I said to myself ‘think like Jack,’” Will says. Well, you’ve got the crazy part down, but I’m pretty sure Jack has a better sense of self-preservation than this. “And this is what you arrived at,” Jack sneers. “Lead Beckett to Shipwreck Cove so’s to gain his trust...accomplish your own ends? It’s like you don’t know me at all, mate.” Will mentally grumbles and puts down the knife. Jack asks what Liz thinks of Will’s plan. When exactly would he have had a chance to talk to her about it? Will looks away and Jack realizes he hasn’t told her because he’s been lying to her all movie so why stop now? “I’m losing her,” Will moans. “Every step I make for my father is a step away from Elizabeth.” Jack says if he “locks” his heart away he’ll lose her for sure. If he could lend a piece of advice...”avoid the choice altogether. Change the facts. Let someone else dispatch Jones.” I’m still trying to figure out when it was decided that Will was the only one who could do that in the first place. “Who,” Will asks. Jack looks sideways at him. “You?” “Death has a curious way of reshuffling one’s priorities,” Jack explains. His plan is to sneak on board the Dutchperson, find the heart and stab the bloody thing, thereby freeing Will’s father and allowing Will and Liz to be together. Ted: Huh...that actually makes more sense. What do you think, Terry? Terry: [swatting at the invisible flying monkeys and muttering] Kill them! Kill them all! Ted: [shrug] Okay then. Diandra: Why do I still not have any alcohol? Chrissy: Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it. I need to take a break to use the little girl’s room anyway. Will asks if Jack is really willing to cut out his heart and bind himself to the Dutchperson forever. Jack says no, he’ll be *free* forever. “Free to sail the seas beyond the edges of the map. Free from death itself. Free to do this...” He kisses Will passionately. Will jerks away from him, surprised. “What are you doing,” he splutters. “What I’ve been meanin’ to do for a long time now,” Jack growls, shoving Will against a cabin wall and kissing him again. Will struggles against him. “You’re mad,” he gasps when Jack lets him take a breath. Jack grins, says “pirate!” and proceeds to rip Will’s shirt open. Will’s struggles weaken but he still pushes against Jack’s chest. “Please, Jack...not here.” Then he gasps, his head falling back and his eyes fluttering shut as Jack’s hand disappears into his slacks... [Chrissy comes back in the room and smacks Diandra so hard she falls out of her chair] Chrissy: I KNEW IT! I can’t leave you alone for two minutes without the recap devolving into a slash porn fest! Diandra: [rubbing head and wincing] I thought you would have figured that out after the first movie. Chrissy: Yeah, by the way, I read that recap recently. [WHACK!] Diandra: Ow...it’s not my fault they can’t keep their hands off each other...[WHACK!] Fine. Will says he’d have to do the job though. Ferry souls from one side to the other. Or end up like Jones. He gestures to his face. Ted: Dude, how does that whole squidface thing work again? Terry: [swinging the bong pipe through the air, seemingly at random] Leave me alone! All of you! Jack cringes and says he doesn’t have the face for tentacles. “But immortal has to count for something, eh?” He hands Will his compass. Will asks what the hell this is for. Jack says “think like me. It’ll come to you.” Will opens it and the needle spins and points at Jack. [WHACK!] No? Okay, then Jack steps forward and lays a big, juicy kiss on Will. [WHACK!] Oh, come on! It totally looks like that’s what he’s going to do! I can’t have one little teeny tiny slash victory? [WHACK!] Fine then. Actually he just breathes in Will’s face and his breath is apparently horrible enough to cause Will to lose his balance and fall over the side of the ship. Jack shoves the barrel over after him and shouts “my regards to Davy Jones!” Will pulls himself onto the barrel with the body and mutters “I hate him”. Deep seated denial. [WHACK!] “I really don’t give a shit,” the body thinks. “And watch where you’re putting your hands, you pervert.” [WHACK!] Chrissy: If you’re trying to wear me out so I’ll be in too much pain to keep hitting you it won’t work. I’ve been building up calluses since the first movie. Diandra: How, by smacking your boyfriend around? Chrissy: Ex-boyfriend. And yes, actually. Dutchperson. Norri releases Liz and the rest of her new crew from the hold. Liz asks what the hell he’s doing. He says he’s choosing a side. The crew is crawling along the ropes tying the Dutchperson to the Flying Dragon (Brilliant little bit of contrivance you set up there, T’n’T) while Norri instructs Liz not to go to Shipwreck Cove because Beckett already knows about the whole Brethren Court thing and he’s afraid there’s a traitor among the group. Among a group of pirates? Impossible! [/sarcasm] Liz says it’s too late for him to earn her forgiveness. He insists he had nothing to do with her father’s death but admits that it doesn’t “absolve” him of his other “sins.” Pause. Liz says he should come with her. He seems to consider it but before he can make a decision Bill, who just figured out Liz and her crew have escaped, starts making noise nearby. Norri pulls out his sword and tells her to go and he’ll follow. “You’re lying,” she spits. “Our destinies have been entwined, Elizabeth,” he says. “But never joined.” Ted: Dude, that’s deep. Pass me the bong pipe. [Terry hands it to him and goes back to searching for that elephant under the sofa] Norri kisses her and tells her to get going. She does, reluctantly, just as Bill comes around the corner and gapes at the escaping Dragon crew. Norri tells him to go back to his station. “No one leaves the ship,” Bill mutters. Norri orders him to stand down. Bill starts chanting “part of the crew, part of the ship” like the loon he has devolved into since the last movie. Then he raises the alarm. Norri pulls his knife and barks “belay that!” Yeah, because the “just kidding” tactic always works. Liz shouts for him. He turns to see her only half way to her ship, gets a pained look and shoots the rope, severing it from the Dutchperson. Ah, good old noble Norri is back. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last because by the time Liz resurfaces Bill has run him through with a sword. She shrieks but keeps moving. Davy Jones appears and crouches over Norri to ask if he fears deatha. With his dying breath, Norri stabs him with his sword. Good boy. “I take that as a no,” Jones says. He pulls the sword out as he’s walking away and mutters “nice sword”. For those of you keeping track, yes, that is the sword Will made way back at the beginning of the first movie. Back when he was a blacksmith and not running after Liz’s kidnappers or trying to resolve his never ending daddy issues. Davy stomps over to whatever room it is where they’re keeping the chest like now is his chance to take back command, but Mercer is already there and announces that the ship is *his* now. Great. Pan of a pretty island. Hans Zimmer: Look! I actually wrote a new song! The Pearl arrives and Gibbs tells the crew to “keep a weather eye. It’s not for naught it’s called Shipwreck Island, where lies Shipwreck Cove and the town of Shipwreck.” Heh. They scramble and Jack says “y’know, for all that pirates are clever cogs we are an unimaginative lot when it comes to naming things. I once sailed with a geezer lost both of his arms and part of his eye.” Gibbs takes the bait. “What’d you call him.” Pause. “Larry.” Hee. Elsewhere on the Pearl, Barbossa is telling Tia that he doesn’t “renege on a bargain once struck, but we agreed on ends only. The means are mine to decide.” Tia...I guess I should start calling her Calypso or Tia Calypso or the Artist Formerly Known as Tia or something... tells him to watch it because she’s the only reason he’s still breathing. His hand turns skeletal in her grip to remind him of what she can do to him if he double crosses her. Except that the skeletal pirate thing was connected to the Aztec curse which had nothing to do with Calypso and...where’s that alcohol? Chrissy: Right here. Diandra: I love you. Barbossa shakes it off, retrieves his balls and tells her not to forget that she needs them...all of them. Hence why they couldn’t leave Jack to the Locker. “It took nine pirate lords to bind you, Calypso, and it’ll take no less than nine to set you free.” Then he orders Larry and Curly to take this “fishwife” to the brig. Oh, I wouldn’t taunt the bull, bub. “Right this way, Mrs. Fish,” Curly says without a trace of irony. Heh. Dutchperson. I guess. Davy Jones storms in on Beckett, who is sitting at a table with someone we don’t see yet, and growls that he can’t be summoned “like some mongrel pup.” Beckett calmly stirs his tea and says well you’re here so obviously you can be. He waves vaguely at the person across the table and says “I believe you know each other.” The camera pulls back and Will turns to nod at Jones and goes back to sipping his tea. Davy smirks and asks if he’s come to join his crew again. Will snots “not yours. His.” Because he’s a whore who will bend over for anyone if the price is right. [WHACK!] Again, metaphorically. [Pause]. Well...[WHACK!] Yeah, metaphorically. Oh and “Jack Sparrow sends his regards,” Will adds with a smirk. Honey, I know he’s been neutered since the last movie but really. If you taunt the sedated bull long enough eventually you risk getting gored. Jones splutters in confusion. Will “innocently” says oh, Beckett didn’t tell you? Yeah, we snuck into the Locker and brought back both him *and* the Pearl. Nya nya nya. Luckily, Jones is angrier at Beckett because he neglected to tell him this. What else did he not tell him? Beckett says they have a bigger problem right now. [Diandra stops typing for a good five minutes and stares into space, gradually turning pale] Chrissy: What now? Diandra: My mind just went off on a tangent that somehow involved Jones and Beckett gang-banging Will. Chrissy: Oh, for God’s sake...[WHACK!] Beckett says Jones knows Calypso, right? Jones gasps and gulps and says yeah, she’s a sadistic bitch and “the world is well rid of her.” “Not quite so, actually,” Will pipes up. Jones whirls on him. “The Brethren intends to release her,” he elaborates. Jones splutters that they can’t! The first Brethren Court promised they would keep her locked up forever! He showed them how to bind her himself! “She could not be trusted. She gave me no choice.” He says they must do something before she’s released. While he’s talking, the camera closes in on Will, whose wheels are starting to turn. Unfortunately, his hamster is slightly retarded and tripped all over itself trying to run the wheel backwards so he’s a little slower than usual on the uptake here. “You loved her. She’s the one. And then you betrayed her.” Good job, Will! I’m sure your father would be proud if he could remember his own name much less yours. Davy snarls that *she* betrayed *him*. She *pretended* to love him! Yeah, how does that work since she’s a god? Chrissy: And he’s an immortal. What’s your point? [Diandra sighs and takes a slug from her wine bottle] Will, increasingly familiar with betrayal, calmly takes another sip of tea, stands to face him and asks if that was before or after he cut out his heart. Davy smacks the tea cup and saucer out of his hand and snarls “do not. Test me.” Will, unruffled says he hadn’t finished that tea. Yeah. Don’t mess with the British and their tea. Chrissy: This coming from an American. Diandra: I’m half French. Chrissy: Ah, so you would be an expert in ways to annoy – and be annoyed by - the British. Diandra: Something like that. “You will free my father,” Will growls, brushing past him. “And you will guarantee Elizabeth’s safety. Along with my own.” Where and when did he acquire balls of steel? Chrissy: Probably around the same time he had half his brain removed. Seriously, like threatening Davy Jones isn’t going to have it’s drawbacks. Diandra: I ask again, what did he need the Pearl for, exactly, if he could have done this all along? Chrissy: Why do you insist on asking questions? Diandra: Because I’m a masochist, okay? Beckett says those are quite the terms you’re asking there, Sharkbait, you damned well better hold up your end. Davy says there’s only one price he’ll bargain for and that’s “Calypso. Murdered.” Good luck swinging that. Will considers this, shrugs and says Calypso is on the Pearl, which Jack is currently sailing toward Shipwreck Cove. Beckett says okay, but seeing as *you* are no longer on board, how are you planning to get us there? Will’s hamster falls off it’s wheel and spends a minute or two trying to figure out how to get back on. In the meantime, Will fumbles and finally yanks out the compass and asks what Beckett wants most. Oh, just let Will hold on to it. I’m sure it’ll point to Jack either way. [WHACK!] Chrissy: Lame! Diandra: Bite me. Shipwreck Cove. Oh great. Now That Blasted Song has worked it’s way into the soundtrack. The Hapless Crew gape at the ships parked inside the cove and Barbossa says there hasn’t been a gathering like this in any of their lifetimes. “And I owe them all money,” Jack mutters. Heh. For a multitude of reasons, I’m sure. [WHACK!] Diandra: Oh, how do you know that’s what I meant? Chrissy: Because you’re you? Diandra: [Pause] Good point. Inside, Barbossa bangs on the table with a ball and chain (cute) and announces that since he summoned everyone it’s his job to convene. Larry walks around the table with a bowl for the pieces of eight. Curly watches as a horn tip and a playing card are tossed in and says those aren’t pieces of eight, they’re pieces of junk. Gibbs says yeah, well, the plan was to use actual pieces of eight but when the first court convened they were all flat broke so they changed it. Curly frowns. “So change the name.” “What,” says Gibbs. “To ‘nine pieces of whatever we happened to have in our pockets at the time’? Oh, yes, that sounds very piratey.” Heh. Barbossa’s piece is Larry’s wooden eye, which apparently Barbossa gave to him. When it gets to Jack he fingers the coin tied into his hair and stalls, pointing out that Sao Feng isn’t here yet and he’s perfectly willing to wait for him. No, he doesn’t know yet that Sao Feng is dead, but wouldn’t it be like Jack to say that even if he did? Liz appears at that moment to announce that Sao Feng is dead and she’s taking his place. “He made you captain,” Jack yelps. “They’re just giving the bloody title away now.” She’s more of a captain than you’ll ever be, Jack. She ignores him and tells the court that Jones is under Beckett’s command and their location has been betrayed so they’re both on their way, probably with the cavalry right behind them. A deep voiced African cliché demands to know who this betrayer is. Barbossa says not likely anyone among them. Liz looks around, suddenly distracted. “Where’s Will?” “Not among us,” Jack says pointedly. Barbossa says it doesn’t matter how they found them, what’s important is what they’re going to do about it now. “We fight,” Liz declares. She’s all about the fighting, isn’t she? Hmm...I guess she and Will really are perfect for each other. Everyone responds to this by laughing. The blind Chinese lady pirate says the cove is a fortress and a well supplied one at that. “There is no need to fight if they cannot get to us.” Barbossa says there’s a third option. He reminds them about the first Brethren Court capturing Calypso. “That was a mistake. Oh, we tamed the seas for ourselves, aye, but we opened the door to Beckett and his ilk. Better were the days when mastery of the seas came not from bargains struck with eldritch creatures but from the sweat of a man’s brow and the strength of his back alone.” He gets so into this speech that spit flies everywhere and his face starts to turn red. You okay there, Geoff? You need to lie down for a minute? The pirates all murmur in reluctant agreement and neither woman takes issue with his gender usage. “We must free Calypso,” he concludes. Silence. Blank stares. Then everyone starts shouting at once. “Shoot him,” says...Saladin (I thought he looked familiar). African cliché adds “cut out his tongue!” Jack jumps in with “shoot him, cut out his tongue, then shoot his tongue. And trim that scraggly beard.” Snort. Chinaman steps up (when did he get here?) to say that Sao Feng would have agreed with Barbossa on this one. Well, that’s nice, but I don’t think it’ll hold much water here. African cliché says Calypso was their enemy then and she’s still their enemy now. French cliché adds that it’s unlikely her mood has imprrrroved any. Hispanic cliché notes the French cliché’s position, pulls out his pistol and says he’s with Sao Feng. French cliché takes this as a threat and punches him. And, to no one’s surprise, a brawl breaks out. “This is madness,” Liz squeaks. “This is politics,” Jack says. True enough. Liz says yeah, well, while these guys are busy impressing their politics on each other’s faces their enemies are still barreling down on them, if they haven’t arrived already. Elsewhere the World’s Second Creepiest Music Box plays. Davy Jones finds The Artist Formerly Known as Tia in her cell in the brig. “My sweet,” she purrs. “You’ve cooome for me.” Sweet? Did I miss the guy standing behind Squidface? She says it’s been torcha “trapped in dis singahl form. Cut ahf from de sea. From all dat I luv. From you.” He says he devoted ten years to the duty she charged him with (that’s all?) “and finally, when we could be together again you weren’t there.” He demands to know why. She just shakes her head and says it’s in her nature to not stay put for long and “would you love me if I was anyting but what I am?” He turns his head dramatically and takes a few steps away from her, saying “I. Do not. Love you.” Oh, here we go with the soap opera thing again. Chris, get the bucket ready, I may need to vomit. She says he was always many tings but cruel wasn’t one of them. “You have corrupted your pur-pahs. And so yourself.” And he hid away that which should have always belonged to her. She sticks her arm through the bars and touches his chest to make it clear what she means and he suddenly turns human – all his tentacles replaced with normal hair. He’s not the prettiest man in the world, but it’s a vast improvement. She strokes his cheek and he strokes hers and she vows that she will be freed and then she would give him her heart and they would be together forever (notice the change to the conditional tense) except that he doesn’t *have* a heart anymore, so... She pulls her hand back and he morphs back into Squidface. He tries to pull his hand back through the bars, but as it’s now a giant lobster claw it won’t fit. So he just morphs through the bars into the cell. He asks what fate she has planned for her captors. She snarls “All ahf dem. De last ting dey will learn in dis life is how cruehl I cahn be.” He starts to leave and she asks what of his fate. “My heart will always belong to you,” he whispers in a near human voice before morphing through the walls. Yeah. Except she’d have to find it first. Back to the brawl, still in progress. Barbossa climbs on the table and fires his pistol. Everybody freezes and a boom mike crashes to the floor. Nobody notices. He repeats that it was the first court that imprisoned Calypso and they should be the ones to free her. In other words we’ve gone absolutely nowhere and we’re just repeating ourselves needlessly now. He predicts that she will be so grateful she will “grant us boons.” If by “boons” you mean “swift kick in the pants”. Jack says “whose boons?” and calls this “utterly deceptive twaddle-speak.” Barbossa says if he has a better alternative he should feel free to share. “Cuttlefish,” Jack says. Er? “Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends, the cuttlefish...pen them up together they’ll devour each other without a single thought... so yes, we *could* hole up here well-provisioned and well armed and half of us will be dead within the month,” or they can release Calypso and pray she’ll be merciful. “I rather doubt it... Can we in fact pretend that she is anything other than a woman scorned like which fury hell hath no?” He says they only have one option. “I agree with – and I cannot believe the words are comin’ out of me mouth – Captain Swann. We must fight.” She smirks in victory. Barbossa points out that Jack’s never been in a fight he hasn’t run away from. “Have not,” Jack says indignantly. “Ye have so.” “Have not.” “Ye have so.” “Have not.” “Ye have so and you know it!” “Have not slander and calumny.” Sigh. How, exactly, have women let men rule the world for this long? I really want to know. Jack says he’s only ever embraced “that oldest and noblest of pirate traditions”. The Pirate Trinity: Rum, Gold and Sodomy. [WHACK!] And he thinks this tradition is exactly what they should do now: “we must fight...to run away.” Barbossa says as per the code an act of war can only be declared by the pirate king. “You made that up,” Jack snits. Barbossa says you think so? Well, where’s Captain Teague, keeper of the code? He’d know. Jack looks less than thrilled at the idea of summoning Teague. Indian pirate nudges his “translator” who says this is all a ridiculous load of crap. “Hang the code! Who cares if...” and he falls over dead from a gunshot wound. Everyone looks toward the shooter and...it’s Keith Richards, standing in the shadows. “The code is the law,” he grits. Everyone sits down, like well trained puppies. Teague comes out into the light and...my god, is that really what Keith Richards looks like now? Kids, let this be a lesson to you on the effects of recreational drug use. Eventually, you could end up looking like this and you’ll prompt people like me to make jokes about the Wicked Witch of the West (“I’m meeeellllltttiiiinnnnnnng”). He saunters up to the table and motions a couple guys to bring out the Code Book. Everyone gasps and murmurs and Larry notes that the Code was “set forth by Morgan and Bartholomew.” Well, that was nice of Bartholomew to put Morgan’s name on it since he was only six when Morgan died. Speaking of Captain Morgan...I’m running a little low on alcohol here. Chrissy: You want alcohol, you go get it. I’m not leaving you alone again. Diandra: [pouts and grumbles incoherently while she goes to get another bottle of wine] This is Chrissy. Teague whistles and the cute little dog from the last two movies runs up with the keys to unlock the Book of Monstrous Proportions. Pintel and Raggetti...sorry, Larry and Curly goggle and wonder how the hell he made it off of Cannibal Island. “Sea turtles, mate,” Teague shrugs. I love how they made a total throwaway line from the first movie into a catchphrase. Diandra: Hey! Hands off the keyboard! [grumbles, takes a slug of wine directly from the bottle and sits back down] Chrissy: I see you didn’t bring me anything. Diandra: [growls] Get it yourself. Chrissy: Touché. Meltyface flips open the book, finds the relevant page right away and says Barbossa’s right. Jack shoves him aside to look for himself. Frenchie points out that there hasn’t been a king since the first Brethren Court and that’s not likely to change. Liz asks why. Gibbs – Good Sir Exposition – explains that the king is elected by popular vote and pirate lords – being pirates – always all vote for themselves. Jack calls a vote anyway. Old Meltyface, his part in this movie basically over, wanders over to the corner to strum his guitar. Sure enough, they go around the circle and everyone votes for him or herself. Except Jack, who votes for Liz. Shocked stares all around and the group erupts into shouting again. “Am I to understand that you lot will not be keeping to the code then,” Jack calls over the din. Old Meltyface breaks one of the strings of his guitar like “the FUCK you are!” Yeah, don’t piss him off. He might vomit all over you. Like good little whipped puppies everyone sits. Chinese Lady Pirate says fine, “what say you, Captain Swann, king of the Brethren Court.” Bet those are words she never thought she’d say. Liz says well, maybe they have a point. Maybe they should just wait it out and hope for the best. Just kidding. She says prepare every vessel, they go to war at dawn. Indian Pirate stands up and, in the most ridiculous falsetto ever, says “and so we shall go to war” and everyone suddenly understands why he needs “translators” even though he speaks English. As everyone is leaving, Jack turns to Meltyface and says what? He’s seen and done it all (and then some) and survived. “That’s the trick, isn’t it? To survive?” Meltyface says it’s not about living forever, it’s about living with yourself forever. Jack mulls that over for a moment and asks “how’s mum?” Meltyface holds up a decaying shrunken head. Jack’s lip curls. “She looks great,” he lies. Yeah, the apple didn’t fall far from the drunken tree. Morning. Possibly dawn. The pirate ships are all lined up and waiting for the battle to start. A Brit ship appears on the horizon and the Hapless Crew start whooping and hollering, all eager to kick some EITC butt. Then about two dozen other ship appear behind it, and another two dozen appear behind *that* and everyone falls silent and gapes. Yeah, the EITC really means business when they say they intend to stamp out piracy once and for all. And they tend to be excessive, as we learned when they sent an entire regiment to take Will into custody in the last movie. Cotton’s parrot flies off, headed back for the cove, squawking “abandon ship!” Smart bird. All eyes go to Jack, who smiles nervously and says “parlay?” Long pan over the water to a strip of land slightly longer than a football field. An electric guitar wails. Yes, I said electric guitar. My friend Sarah, who I saw this movie with in the theaters, was baffled by this. I explained to her that it probably had something to do with Johnny Depp likening pirates to modern day rock stars, but after watching the extras on the DVD I’m thinking it might have just been a way for Gore Verbinski to make a contribution to the soundtrack. Jack, Liz and Barbossa slowly walk the entire length of the damned thing to meet Will, Beckett and Davy Jones, who are stationary because Davy is not supposed to step foot on land for another few years and therefore has to stand in a bucket of water. What a total cheat. An hour and several nods to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly later (I’ll let you figure out which one is which), they finally meet. “You be the cur that led these wolves to our door,” Barbossa accuses Will. Way to state the obvious. Beckett says don’t blame him, he’s just a tool. Er, I mean, he was *the* “tool of your betrayal.” Its mastermind is on your left. Barbossa and Liz look at Jack and, after a split second, Jack looks at the nothingness to his left. He protests that his hands are clean in this. “Figuratively”. Will says he did this on his own and Jack had nothing to do with it. Jack says yes! “Listen to the tool!” Oh, well, if we’re going to make that joke anyway... Liz says she’s been aboard the Dutchperson and she “understands” the “burden” Will “bears” but she “fears” that “cause” is “lost” and I need to end this sentence before I run out of quotation marks. Translation: let go of your damned Daddy issues and move on already. But of course this is a Disney movie, so that’ll happen...uh...never. Will says “no cause is lost if there is but one fool left to fight for it.” Did he just admit he’s a fool? He looks pointedly at Jack, who smirks like “that’s my boy.” [WHACK!] Diandra: That was a bit ambiguous, don’t you think? Chrissy: Yeah, well...knowing you... Liz looks back and forth between them, looking mildly pissed. Beckett says yeah, well, if Will wasn’t acting on their behalf, how did he end up with the Compass of Misdirection? Pbbbbttt! He tosses it to Jack and says he made a deal to deliver the pirate lords and here they are. Don’t be shy. “Claim your reward.” Before Jack can ask what reward he’s referring to and possibly make Will part of the agreement [WHACK!] Davy says Jack’s debt with him still hasn’t been satisfied. Jack says no, it was paid...with some help from Liz. Liz interrupts to propose an exchange. “Will leaves with us...and you can take Jack.” Jack and Barbossa stare at her like “this is your first act as king? Exchange the guy who got you the position for the backstabbing whore? Did your hamster fall off it’s wheel and die?” “Done,” Will says. Of course he does – he’s coming out ahead on this. “Undone,” Jack yelps. “Done,” Beckett counters. ‘We don’t care much for the whore either.’ Barbossa snaps that Jack is one of the nine pirate lords and Liz has no right to just hand him over to Beckett on a silver platter. “King,” she says snottily. Jack says fine and starts to move, but Barbossa suddenly and randomly whips out his sword and slashes at Jack, cutting the piece of eight out of his hair. Jack the Monkey grabs it and runs off. They then proceed to have a totally pointless and bizarre spat to distract everyone so they don’t notice the significance of the move. Will’s hamster is busy trying to figure out how to get that damned wheel started again, so he doesn’t notice how stilted this whole thing is. Performance over, Jack and Will switch places, eyeing each other suspiciously as they do like maybe they think one of them might try to cop a feel [WHACK!]. Jack stands uncomfortably next to Jones, who asks if he fears deatha. “You’ve no idea,” Jack mutters. Beckett tells Liz to advise the Brethren that they can fight, in which case they will all die, or they can not fight in which case only most of them will die. Pretty confident in our abilities there, are we? Liz snarls that her name is Elizabeth Swann and he killed her father so prepare to die! Ug. Why am I quoting movies I don’t even like? Beckett says Governor Daddy chose his fate. She growls “and you have chosen yours. We will fight. And you will die.” You go girl! She spins and marches off, Will and Barbossa trailing behind. “King,” Will asks stupidly. She says yep, courtesy of Jack. He shakes his head and says “maybe he really does know what he’s doing.” I wouldn’t bet on it. Brig of the Dutchperson. Jack’s multiple personalities are back. Y’know what? This scene is basically just a pain in my ass and only serves to repeat shit we already know, so I’ll just highlight the key points. Yes, Jack intended to infiltrate the Dutchperson, but landing in the brig doesn’t exactly fit into his plans. Jack has a new personality half-plastered into the wall with a free-floating brain like the guy in the last movie. Also? Stab the heart, take Jones’ place and live forever. At this rate, I’ll be saying that in my sleep by the time I finish this recap. Pearl. Liz says they’ll need to use the Pearl as a flagship to lead the attack. Barbossa ignores her, watching as Larry and Curly lead a bound Artist Formerly Known as Tia out on deck. Will barks that they *can’t* release her. Why? What does he care? Two guys leap forward to point guns at his head and he wisely backs down. Liz says they should give Jack a chance. Barbossa says oh, excuse me “your majesty” but he’d rather take the bull by the horns than wait on a wing and a prayer for Jack to come through. He puts all the pieces of eight into a bowl and Curly holds it in front of the AFKaT. Gibbs asks if there’s some sort of rite or incantation he has to say. What happened to his crown of Exposition? Barbossa says yes, the items have to be burned and “someone must speak the words ‘Calypso, I release you from your human bonds’.” Curly frowns. “That’s it?” Barbossa says no, the rules also say the speaker has to strip, paint himself with honey and kiss a newt, but he figures that’s because when the first Brethren Court wrote the rules they thought it would be funny to just make shit up just to see if anyone actually read them. Not. He says it has to be said “as if to a lover.” Then he either dismisses this as a rumor or proves that he has never had a lover before in his life as he looks to the sky and shouts the line like he’s rehearsing for a Shakespearean play and wants to make sure he’s projecting all the way to the back of the theater. He touches the smoldering torch to the bowl and, unsurprisingly, nothing happens. Larry says he didn’t say it right and hesitantly approaches the AFKaT, brushing her hair aside, leaning his forehead against her and murmuring the words softly. She arches her back like she’s just had a spiritual orgasm and the pieces ignite. Everyone backs away. Will marches forward and asks her who told the first Brethren Court how to bind her. Why does he insist on asking stupid questions? Chrissy: Why do you? Diandra: I told you. I’m masochistic. “Who was it that betrayed you?” She doesn’t know, so he answers himself: Davy Jones. She looks like she might cry for a second, then starts growing right out of the ropes until she’s about fifty feet tall. Everyone scatters and floorboards crack but miraculously are still able to hold her weight. Ah, suspension of disbelief. Chrissy: Oh, *that’s* the part you find unbelievable? Diandra: Details, damnit. Details. Barbossa pushes to the front of the group and drops to his knee, everyone else gradually following, and says he is but a humble servant and he has fulfilled his vow so he’s wondering if she’d do him a favor. “Spare meself, me ship, me crew, but unleash your fury upon those who dare pretend themselves your masters...or mine.” She kind of smiles down at him like ‘how cute...he actually thinks that crap will work’. Then she yells in a demonic voice. It’s not translated, but I imagine it’s something along the lines of ‘fuck you, you motherfucking pig and the fucker you rode in on’. Then she explodes into about a million crabs (what’s with the crab theme in this movie? Did Disney strike a deal with Red Lobster?) and they spill over the sides of the ship and disappear. Curly proclaims her no help at all and asks Barbossa what they’ll do now. He says nothing. She was their last hope. The wind suddenly picks up, blowing one of the Asian extras’ hat into the sky. Whether this means anything I have no idea. I just recap what I see as I see it. Leave me alone. Liz says it’s not over yet. Will, hoping to get back into her pants in the near future, backs her up immediately to say there’s still a fight to be had. Yes, Will, we aaaaallll know how much you love a good fight. Gibbs spits that they have a whole freaking armada against them and with the Dutchperson on their side the pirates don’t stand a chance. Unless they’re all on the Pearl. Because that can outrun the Dutchperson. Ted: It can? Dude, I forgot about that... Terry: Zzzzzzzz... Liz says there’s only a fool’s chance. Well, luckily for you, your fiancé and his boyfriend [WHACK!] are fool enough for everybody. Barbossa sees right through her Daddy issues and says revenge won’t bring Governor Daddy back and it’s not something he intends to die for. She says he’s right, so “then what shall we die for?” Here we go. Big speech coming. She turns to the crew and says they will *listen* to her, damnit and hops up on the railing. “The Brethren will still be looking here to us, to the Black Pearl, to lead. And what will they see? Frightened bilge rats aboard a derelict ship? No. No, they will see free men and freedom!” This speech could use some blue war paint. No? Just me? Sorry. “And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons. They will hear the ring of our swords and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brows and the strength of our back and the courage of our hearts! Gentlemen...hoist the colors.” I think I just got a little bit of a girl crush. [WHACK!] THAT DOESN’T COUNT! Will smiles like “that’s my girl” and everyone starts shouting excitedly again and Hans Zimmer turns up the dramatic fanfare and all the pirate ships run up their flags, almost all of them, of course, some variation on the Jolly Roger. Over on the Dickless, Beckett has set up a little table out on the main deck and is having tea. Sheesh. Like I said, don’t mess with the British and their tea time. First mate says they have a “favorable wind”. Funny, your enemy is thinking the same thing. Beckett tells him to signal Davy Jones to “give no quarter...that should brighten his day.” Since when does he need to be told to do that? Oh, right... he’s not in charge anymore because Beckett has his heart *and* his testicles. A guy waves flags in the direction of the Dutchperson, where Mercer relays the message. Davy, however, is too distracted by the sudden change in weather to care. “Calypso,” he murmurs. Thunder cracks and clouds spin like they’re gearing up for a hurricane and rain starts pouring. Davy screams angrily. Pearl. Gibbs shouts orders to sail ahead. Then he looks over the bow and shouts that there is a massive, special effects budget blowing plot device dead ahead. Or, in his words: “maelstrom”. Liz shouts to Barbossa that they need him at the helm. This sufficiently strokes his ego as he gleefully says yes, they certainly do, shoves Cotton from the wheel and starts shouting orders with relish, ending in “dying is a day worth livin’ for!” The water between the Pearl and the Dutchperson turns into a giant whirlpool and Mercer panics, ordering the men to turn around. Davy takes over the wheel and says “she’ll not harm us [wanna bet?]. Full-bore into the abyss!” Mercer shakes him and asks if he’s gone “mad”. Uh, he passed that point about a century ago, I think. Davy mockingly asks if he’s afraid to get a little wet and plunges the Dutchperson right into the whirlpool. Will shouts that the Dutchperson is on their ass and gaining speed. Barbossa orders “haul your wind and hold your water!” Too late. Ahem. Meanwhile, Davy orders bow cannonsah. They start firing and some extra goes flying off the Pearl. Will yells at Barbossa to get them out of the whirlpool or the Dutchperson will overbear them. Barbossa says nah, they’ll just go right past them to where the water is moving even faster. Everyone scrambles to get ready for the big ass battle sequence coming up. Can I take a second to say that I found the part of the DVD extras where the special effects guys talked about spending a lot of time studying the movement of water hilarious? Am I the only one who pictured these guys’ wives wondering why their husbands were spending so much time in the bathroom? “It’s research! [FLUSH!]” In the brig of the Dutchperson, Jack and his alter egos are all wandering in circles, muttering “think like the whelp. Think like the whelp. Damn, I am sexy. [WHACK!] Half-barrel hinges! Leverage!” He uses a bench to lift the door right off it’s hinges. Er...yeah, except Will did that to the prison door back in Port Royal because he said he had helped build the thing and knew it’s design...y’know what? I don’t care anymore. Fuck it. Chrissy: So I take it the alcohol is kicking in? Diandra: Bring it on. “Wish us luck boys,” he tells his alter egos. “We’ll need it.” “I miss him already,” #1 whines as Jack runs off. “He’s quite charming, isn’t he,” #2 says, reaching a whole new level of narcissism. #3 (No-Brain part the second) yelps “nobody move! I dropped me brain.” Not that anyone would notice the difference. Outside. Scramble scramble shouting. Cannons emerge from both ships and they wait until they’re lined up across the whirlpool and everyone shouts “fire!”. Bang bang people and debris fly everywhere. Barbossa shouts that it’s too late to “alter course” now and cackles gleefully. Jack saunters into the room where Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer are guarding the chest. They yell at him to stop or they’ll shoot. He laughs “good one” and grabs his pistol and crap from the table, explaining he just came for his effects. “Admirable though it may be, why are you still here when you could be elsewhere,” he asks. Because they’re idiots who follow orders blindly? Tweedle Dum says well, there has been a “breakdown in military discipline” on the ship. Tweedle Dummer says he blames the “fish people”. Tweedle Dum calls him a racist. Meanwhile, neither of them notices Jack making off with the chest. Heh. Bang bang boom debris. Davy Jones decides he’s had enough of taking orders and chokes Mercer with his tentacles, taking back his key. Why the hell didn’t he think to do this earlier? Hello? He starts to go below deck, running into Jack coming up. He chuckles and taunts “lookee here, boys. A lost birdah. A lost bird that never learned to flyah!” He whips out Will’s sword and Jack says well, it’s never too late to learn, grabs a rope, knocks it free with the chest and flings over to the Pearl’s mast. Apparently he forgot that Davy can morph anywhere he damned well wants though, because when he turns around Davy is right there on the mast behind him. And now he’s pissed off and wants his chest back. Jack offers to set him free instead. Davy snarls that his freedom was forfeit long ago and attacks. Clang clang. There’s That Blasted Song on the soundtrack again. People swing back and forth between ships. Clang bang cannons chaos. Amid the fighting, Will pulls Liz aside and asks if she’ll marry him. Okay, A: she already said yes, didn’t she? I mean, they were getting married before the EITC so rudely barged in and arrested them in the last movie, right? And B: somebody really needs to have a long talk with Will about this crappy sense of timing he has. She rightly points out that now is not really the best time for this. Clang clang slash. He shouts between jabs that it may be the only time. Clang clang. They stop fighting for a second and he says “I love you.” Why is it you always make that realization at a time when you should be focusing on saving Jack from a hanging or the sea monster trying to lop your head off? Goddamned adrenaline junkie. Clang clang slash. “I’ve made my choice,” he says. “What’s yours?” She looks at him for a moment, then turns to the upper deck and shouts “Barbossa!” Will looks at her like ‘you WHAT now?’ until she adds “marry us!” Barbossa pauses his swordfight against approximately six “fishpeople” to snap “I’m a little busy at the moment!” Hee! Clang clang bang Will shouts now, damnit! and Barbossa says all right, fine, if it’ll make the two of you shut up. Slash slash clang. He jumps on the rail and shouts “Dearly beloved, we be gathered here today...” A fishperson lunges, distracting him. “To nail your gizzards to the mast you poxy cur!” Oh, ha! Liz frowns like ‘I don’t recall that part’ and ducks an incoming sword. Pause for a second. My friend Sarah thought this whole scene was jump-the-shark ridiculous. True enough, but it’s Disney and compared to the wedding scene from season 3 of Alias...well, the fact that Liz is not currently in labor makes this the slightly less ridiculous of the two. Besides, it’s totally within their characters and funny as hell, so I don’t care. Chrissy: I’m sure the alcohol helps in that department too. Diandra: Nah, I wasn’t drunk when I first saw this movie. I probably should have been, though. Which probably explains why Sarah thought theaters should start serving alcohol at concessions. Though that could backfire because I can just picture myself ripping my shirt off, tying it around my head like a bandana and jumping on the seats, waving a box of Raisinets and challenging Jack to a duel. Chrissy: Oh, you mean like you did when I watched “Dead Man’s Chest” with you? Diandra: No I didn’t, shh. Liz and Will run around to the other side of the mast and he decides to take up the mantle himself. Does she take him to be her husband? No, Sarah mutters. Liz ignores her and grins like an idiot as she gasps that she does. A string of curses spill from Sarah. I giggle and clap gleefully. Will says “great” and they duck another attack. Clang clang. They manage to fight while holding hands for a while. Aww, isn’t that sweet? [Sarah makes loud gagging noises] Liz shouts between lunges. Does he take her [swish clang] to be his wife? [Clang clang oof]. In sickness and in health...[grunt slash] “with health being the less likely?” Snort. Will says he does. Anyone notice we skipped the entire section about “till death do we part”? Yeah, hold that thought. Barbossa shouts that as captain “I now pronounce you...” clang clang. Neat move where Will and Liz wrap their arms around each other and stab the fish people behind each other’s backs. “You may kiss...[bang clang clang shout] You may kiss...[grunt clang swish]” Will and Liz somehow end up crossing each other’s swords. “Just kiss,” Barbossa snaps, frustrated. Hee! They do, right in the middle of all the fighting and explosions and splashing water and chaos, and it’s actually a much better kiss than the one at the end of the first movie. At least this time you can see both of their faces. Back to the big ass fight scene in progress. Jack and Davy are still fighting on the mast. Davy says Jack can’t do anything without the key. Jack says he already has the key. Pause. Davy says uh, no you don’t, and waves the key in front of him. “Oh, that key,” Jack says flippantly. Ha. Clang clang. Jack chops off a couple of Davy’s beard tentacles and they go splattering to the deck, taking the key with them. Ew. Then he knocks away Davy’s sword. Davy snaps his sword in half with his claw. Jack looks at it stupidly for a moment before skittering back. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the two ships masts slam together at that moment across the whirlpool and Jack falls off the mast. Davy screams and manages to catch the chest by the handle Jack is not clinging to, dangling both over the whirlpool. He growls and flings Jack from the chest. Luckily Jack just happens to smack into one of the fishpeople swinging past and this particular person just happens to have Jack’s pistol (looks like Mr. Contrivance is working overtime here). Jack grabs it, clonks him on the head and he falls off. Jack swings the rope around to the other side and shoots the chest out of Jones’ hand. When did he become a crack shot? Chrissy: He always has been, he just rarely shoots at things. He’s just bad at swordfighting. Diandra: [blank look] Who? [hic] The chest clonks [Diandra shuffles through her Pirates of the Caribbean playing cards] Hadras (Conch Shell) on the head, making the shell disappear inside his body. Chrissy: Since when does looking at a deck of shamelessly marketed specialty cards qualify as research? Diandra: Since I said so. Hadras tumbles off the side of the ship. Orlando’s stunt person flings over on the Dutchperson, hits the deck, and Orlando springs up a few feet away. He grabs the chest and runs through the brawl. I have no idea where he thinks he’s taking it, but it really doesn’t matter, does it? Maccus (aka Hammerhead aka Bossypants)... Chrissy: Put the cards down, damnit! ...comes at him with an axe, which he deflects with the chest. Larry and Curly chose this moment to shoot Jack the Monkey from a cannon and flaming undead monkey splats onto Maccus’ face, knocking him over. Will thanks Jack the Monkey and keeps running. Some EITC red shirt picks up Davy’s (Will’s) sword and stares at it stupidly until Davy drops down onto the deck, runs him through with it and takes it back easily. Meanwhile, Will runs right into a fishperson, who backhands him so hard he actually does a backflip through the air, the chest flying from his hands. Oh, it’s Bill. Looks like he still hasn’t gotten that hamster back on the wheel. Will pulls a sword from his ass (or wherever the hell he finds them) and deflects a blow. “It’s me,” he yelps. “It’s Will! Your son!” A flicker of recognition seems to flash through Bill’s eyes and he reaches toward Will’s head like he’s going to pet his hair or something...and instead grabs him by the ponytail and flings him into a wall. That’s some tough love, right there. Chrissy: [groan] Lame. Diandra: I can’t help it, the alcohol is killing all of my functioning brain cells. Davy is headed for the abandoned chest when Jack finally drops to the deck in front of it and whips out his...two inch broken sword. From the look on his face, he seems to have already forgotten about that little problem. He drops the sword and runs, arms waving. He and Davy play chicken around the wheel that used to summon the Kraken until Davy decides he’s had enough of this shit and starts morphing right through it. He gets halfway before Jack starts spinning the wheel, which only pisses him off and makes him slightly dizzy. He finishes morphing through the thing and growls in Jack’s face. Jack shrieks and runs off. Elsewhere, Liz arrives on the Dutchperson and looks around at the chaos. Jack yanks a wood beam from the Kraken wheel and swings it at Davy. Davy relieves him of it embarrassingly fast and sends him crashing to the deck. Liz swings over and drops right in front of Davy. He snarls that she will not have any mercy from him. She says duh, that’s why she brought *this* and whips out a sword. That’s my girl! Jack comes to as the tentacle with the key attached to it actually scoots across the deck in front of him all by itself. His hamster stumbles in drunken circles, trying to figure out where the hell that damned wheel went. Will finally relieves Bill of his sword and turns, distracted, when he hears Liz grunt loudly. Davy knocks her to the deck, where she drops her sword and seems to instantly lose consciousness. Oh, damnit, Lizzie. Sigh. Will pulls out his dagger, reminds his father that he made him a promise, damnit, and stabs it into the rail by his head. Davy is just getting ready to spear Liz when Will runs him through from behind. Davy shouts in pain but then taunts that Will “missed”. Or did he forget that Davy is a heartless, undead monster? Davy bends the sword with his claw and Will stupidly tries to pull it back out anyway. Davy swings around and knocks him to the deck. Mr. Contrivance appears suddenly to shake Liz awake and she and Will stare at each other. Fishface looks back and forth between them curiously and smirks. “Ah. Love. A dreadful bondah. And yet, so easily severedah.” He stands over Will menacingly and asks if he fears death. “Do you,” Jack shouts. Davy turns to see him holding the heart, two inch broken sword poised over it. Well, it’s about time you did something that made sense, Jack. Sheesh. Will and Liz smile, relieved. Jack says holding life and death in the palm of one’s hand is quite a rush. Jones does not ask what the hell Jack thinks he’s been doing these past centuries. Instead, he just calls him cruelah. Jack, deadly serious for once, says cruel is a matter of perspective. Davy says is it now? and whirls and spears his sword into Will’s chest. No, unfortunately, I am not joking. Damnit, Will, you had plenty of time to MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. Give the hamster a jolt and DO IT. Ahem. Those of you who have been paying attention (i.e. not me...I had to read it in fan fiction before I noticed) will note that, in a bizarre twist of irony, Will was just stabbed by his own sword. Jack gapes, wide eyed while Davy twists the sword just to be excessive and Will yelps and writhes, the thought bubble over Jack’s head saying “no! Not the pretty one!” [WHACK!] Diandra: Okay, come on! That one was murky too. I can go back to holding “hostages” if you’re going to insist on smacking me around when I don’t actually deserve it. I have a copy of “Benny and Joon”... Chrissy: Oh, I called that bluff long ago. If you want me to stop then make it clear when you’re making a slash joke. Davy lets go, leaving the sword firmly lodged in Will and Jack looks at him with this distraught expression like “now I’ll never find out if he’s really a Eunich!” [WHACK!] See, that? I totally deserved. Good girl. Where was I? Davy laughs evilly and Jack looks at him, looks at the heart, and looks at Will, devastated. [Chrissy holds up her hand warningly] Oh, put that down. I already made that joke. Liz scrambles over to Will and yelps a string of useless orders: “stay with me! Look at me! You’re all right.” He just gasps and gurgles and thinks “the fuck I’m all right! I have a sword lodged in my aorta!” Bill’s hamster wakes up, staggers onto it’s wheel and slowly starts it up. It creaks loudly, rust flaking off as Bill’s eyes slowly register the knife stuck in the railing beside him. “William.” Welcome to the party, Bill. You’re only about five minutes too late. He comes out of his stupor and lunges, tackling Davy. Once again, Bill, TOO FUCKING LATE! Jack grinds his teeth and debates whether or not he should just go ahead and stab the heart. He looks at Will and debates some more. Liz screams at Will to look at her, damnit! Will’s thought bubble reads “woman, would you stop SHAKING me and just let me pass out already?!” Davy finally corners Bill and says Bill “will not forestall my judgmentah!” He goes to stab him and suddenly freezes, gasping and gulping and wide-eyed. He turns to see Jack holding Will’s hand on the broken sword, stabbing it through the heart. Jack lets go and Will’s hand just flops onto the deck. Davy gasps one last “Calypso” and tumbles over the side of the ship into the whirlpool. Goodbye, Davy Jones. You will be missed-ah. Barbossa yells that the Dutchperson is taking them down and they have to get the hell out of there before they end up in the Locker again. Larry and Curly shoot a ball and chain from the cannon to break part of one of the masts, unlocking them, and Barbossa pulls the ship out of the whirlpool to bittersweet fanfare. Bill pulls the dagger from the rail and looks over just in time to see Will die in Liz’s arms. Liz starts shrieking and Jack looks crestfallen. Creatures crawl from the woodwork and swarm around, chanting “part of the crew, part of the ship”. Liz is still screaming at Will to not leave her because damnit, she’s not going to leave him when Jack pulls her away. I half expect her to scream that no, he’s just SLEEPING, you bastard, put me down! Bill kneels in her place, repeats (for the umpteenth time) that the Dutchperson must have a captain and plunges the dagger into Will’s chest. We are spared from the impending gore by cutting to Jack and Liz, the former having rigged a sail somehow into a parachute, the latter clinging to his chest as it takes off. They watch from the air as the Dutchperson is swallowed in the sinkhole and disappears. Liz cries on Jack’s chest. They land in the water and are picked up by the Pearl. Gibbs says thank goodness they’re all right (did he not notice they came back with one fewer person?), but the armada is still out there. The Dickless is coming up on their starboard and he’s thinking it’s about time they “embraced” that “pirate tradition” Jack was so fond of. Jack just glares at the EITC fleet and growls that he’s never been much for tradition. Because damned if he’s not going to make those bastards pay for... [WHACK]...[pause] killingthemanheloved [WHACK!] Oh, fine! [Sob!] He shouts orders to...do something with the sails and possibly drop anchor. Or lift anchor. Yeah, that makes more sense. I don’t know. Hic. Barbossa says belay that, they’ll be damned sitting ducks! Jack says damnit, if his precious Will is gone then he doesn’t want to live anymore! [WHACK!] Or he says “belay that ‘belay that’.” Gibbs: But captain... Jack: Belay! Gibbs: The armada... Jack: Belay! Gibbs: The Endeav... Jack: Stow! Shut it! Wow, when he’s on a revenge mission he gets *really* testy. He stomps up to the top deck and curls his lip in the general direction of the EITC boats. “What are they waiting for,” First mate asks Beckett. Beckett, amused (or as amused as an uptight Brit like him can get anyway) says “he expects us to honor our agreement.” Cannons emerge from the hull and first mate purrs “it’s nothing personal, Jack. It’s just good business.” Yeah...not what he’s waiting for I’m thinking. Pan out to show the ships standing off. Long pause. ...aaaand the Dutchperson bursts dramatically to the surface, spraying water everywhere. “Ah, she survived,” Beckett notes in an utterly bored tone, totally unimpressed. On the Dutchperson, the “fish people” gape, fascinated at their now human bodies as fish bones, slime and all sorts of crap I really don’t want to identify splatters on the decks all around them. Bill peels a starfish from his face and looks up at the top deck. The camera follows suit and...Will, hair untied, bandana around his head, turns and takes the wheel, yelling “ready on the guns!” Diandra stops the tape, makes an odd groaning noise and leaves the room. Chrissy: Uh, should I take over for a while? Diandra: No! Chrissy stares dreamily at the screen while Diandra fills a bathtub with ice and cold water and sticks her head in repeatedly. Five minutes later, she returns, her hair dripping wet. Okay. I’m all right now. Oh, by the way, his shirt is also almost completely unbuttoned so we can clearly see the huge scar on his chest over where his heart used to be. Yes, I said scar. As in already healed. Yeah, that’s some fast healing ability you’ve got there, *Claire*, but how, exactly, was Daddy Turner able to surgically remove his heart and lock it in the chest so quickly? All while apparently underwater? Attention Ted and Terry: the human ribcage is designed to protect the human heart and lungs. You can’t just cut through it with a rusty knife. Chrissy: You’re thinking again. Diandra: What’d I saw about the masochism?! I should also note that he is wearing a long, black overcoat that is doing him all sorts of favors. Chrissy: He’s been wearing that for at least half the movie, dear. Diandra: [blink] Really? Oh. Liz squints at the Dutchperson from the Pearl, recognizes Will and slowly smiles. She turns to Jack, who grins too and yells “full canvas!” Hans Zimmer goes nuts with the drums and brass as Will and Barbossa spin their wheels so the Pearl and the Dutchperson come up side by side and head right for the Dickless. Beckett starts looking like a dear trapped in headlights. “Orders, sir,” first mate yelps. Beckett opens and closes his mouth a few times stupidly. Once the Pearl and the Dutchperson start coming up on either side of the Dickless Jack, Gibbs, Will, Barbossa and Liz all scream “fire” and cannonballs start blasting the Dickless from both sides. “Orders,” first mate yelps as debris flies all around them. Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye? We get a long panning shot of the Dickless being methodically blasted apart. Jerry Bruckheimer claps gleefully. The Brit soldiers are all frantically trying to get Beckett’s attention, but he’s almost catatonic. “It’s just...good business,” he mutters to no one in particular. First mate decides this is going nowhere and makes an executive decision, ordering everyone to abandon ship. They all jump over the railings onto the soundstage and duck out. Yeah, for some reason that shot just looks obviously fake in that moment. Focus on Beckett as debris flies all around him, punctuated by frequent explosions. Then we slowly pan across the ship as cannons, debris and people who were too slow to escape fly in every direction. Things explode that I’m not sure would logically explode, but when in a Jerry Bruckheimer film... I imagine a typical first day working at Bruckheimer productions goes something like “Hi, welcome! Here’s a firecracker. I want you to come up with three ways to make that model [fill in blank] over there explode in an interesting manner by lunch.” We get a cool slow motion shot of Beckett walking down the stairs in slow motion while chaos swirls around him, the railing his hand is on splintering behind him as he goes. He stops at the bottom of the stairs and is consumed by a giant fireball. We go back to long shot as the Pearl and the Dutchperson sail clear while what’s left of the Dickless (about five feet) explodes and/or sinks. The rest of the armada, upon seeing this, turns around and gets the hell out of there. That’s probably lucky for our guys because I can’t imagine they have many cannonballs left after that excessively violent display. The pirate lords and their crews all cheer and generally celebrate their victory (not that any of them really did anything unless they were on the Pearl, but hey...). Oddly, the Spanish cliché pirate shouts praise to “Captain Turner”. Um...he’s way the hell back with all the other pirate lords, how would he know Will is a Captain now? Or that Liz’s name just changed to Turner? What? Chrissy: Just go with it. Diandra: Auuugggggg. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer emerge from below deck on the Pearl (how and when they got there is anyone’s guess) dressed as pirates and join the celebrating, shouting things like “arrrr!” and “shiver me timbers!” Heh. When in Rome. Teague smiles slightly and takes his hat off, tossing it lazily to the lower decks of his ship. Eeek! Put it back on! Put it back on! Jack hands Gibbs his hat and says he can throw it if he likes. Gibbs grins and says “aye aye Cap’n” and tosses it to the lower decks of the Pearl, shouting “hooray!” “Now go get it,” Jack adds. Hee! Dutchperson. Sometimes later, I’m guessing. Bill finds Will standing at the rail, brooding and gives him a very formal “orders, sir?” Will, seemingly unfazed by his *father* calling *him* “sir”, says he’s no longer bound to the Dutchperson. “You’re free.” Bill says yeah, that’s nice but “by my reckoning, I still have a debt that has to be paid. If you’ll have me.” Aww...that’s...sweet? I guess? I mean, it only took him, like, twenty some odd years to make an attempt at really bonding with his son and that’s after he went loony and tried to chop his head off. Chrissy: Oh, like your family is perfect. Will kind of smiles sadly and says “on the wheel then, Mr. Turner.” Bill smiles happily and says “aye, Captain Turner.” The rest of the crew starts taking bets on how long it’ll take before they drop the ridiculous formal titles...and how long after *that* it’ll take before they’re at each other’s throats. Will stares out toward the Pearl, where Liz is apparently staring at the Dutchperson. Bill notices this, as he has a pair of functioning eyes, and says “this ship has a purpose again. And where we are bound she cannot come.” Gee, thanks for reminding me of that WRITERS. “One day at shore, ten years at sea. That’s a steep price for what’s been done.” “Depends on the one day,” Will says. Yeah, I’m going to have to go with Sarah on this one and say NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T! Okay, I’m just going to say this because if I don’t I may explode and it will *not* be pretty. I was perfectly happy to go along with this plot twist when I first saw this movie. I’m sure that’s mostly because I’ve always looked at these movies as fun, action/adventure fluff stories. But it pissed me off when I started seeing repeated reference in the DVD extras to the “great romance” of the movie. Yeah. Not. Here’s a tip, Ted and Terry: don’t spend the majority of three movies creating a romance between characters only to KILL ONE OF THEM. Guys might think only seeing your wife for one day every ten years and spending the other 3,649 days at sea is the perfect relationship but it tends to NOT WORK. In fact, Sarah and I think we have discovered the origins of the divorce lawyer in this plot. Ted and Terry? Remember that army of dogs I threatened to sic on your lawn(s) in the last movie? I’m gathering them right now. Watch yourselves. On the Pearl, Gibbs tells Liz her “chariot” is waiting, and gestures to a lifeboat hanging over the side of the ship. The rest of the Hapless Crew stands waiting to say goodbye as she goes to it. Barbossa just nods kindly and calls her Mrs. Turner. “Goodbye poppet,” Curly says almost sweetly. Awww. Almost makes you forget he was a creepy bad guy in the first movie. But then we’re obviously all about neutering former bad guys and assassinating characters over here in PirateLand. She stops when she comes up to Jack leaning casually on the rail and says “I assume you’ll want to join me” [WHACK!] Er, I mean, “it would never have worked out between us.” He smiles and slurs “keep telling yourself that, darling.” She goes to hug him or kiss his cheek or something but he holds up his hands and says “once was quite enough”. Heh. Beach. We follow some footprints to a couple of swords crossed in the sand, where they join another set of footprints and go up the beach. At the entrance of a cave, Will is putting his boot on. (Totally a side note, but I apparently now know a guy who knows the guy who bought the boots Orlando wore in the first Pirates movie.) “I’m going to need the other one,” Will calls over his shoulder. Liz appears and props her foot, with the boot on it, on a rock near him. Her entire leg is basically bear as she apparently changed into a billowy “tattered” style dress since the last scene. Guys everywhere promptly drool on themselves. Will kneels in front of her and slowly pulls the boot off, kissing her knee and running his hand along her thigh. When I saw this in the theater, a little girl in front of me and Sarah very loudly declared “ewww!” right about here. I’ll talk to you in a few years, honey. But apparently she was loud and/or distracting enough that I didn’t notice the odd little whimpering noises Liz was making until now. Chrissy: That’s not Liz. Diandra: ...oh. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just go stick my head in the bathtub a few more times... Liz closes her eyes and smiles and then suddenly looks at the horizon, moaning that it’s nearly sunset. She sees the Dutchperson waiting and the smile slides right off her face. Will pries himself from her and she follows him a little ways to a rock where the chest is sitting, locked. He gives it to her, saying “it’s always belonged to you.” [Diandra makes exaggerated gagging noises]. She promises to keep it safe and he presses his forehead to hers for a moment before reluctantly turning and walking away. She puts the chest back on the rock, where it balances rather precariously (off to a nice start there, Liz), and runs after him, skirt flapping, for one last dramatic kiss in the surf. Dear Mr. Verbinski: yes, that beach is lovely, but usually when your main characters are kissing you want to actually be able to see their faces. Just a little. Y’know, so we don’t wonder if maybe you’re trying to cover up the fact that it’s actually the stand-ins doing the scene because they have more chemistry together than Orlando and Keira. “Keep a weather eye on the horizon,” he says, which makes a hell of a lot more sense now than it did when he said it in the last movie. He walks away while pretty but depressing music plays (or maybe it just sounds depressing in this context) and apparently morphs right over to the Dutchperson, which disappears with a green flash. Liz is left standing on the beach alone, staring out at the water sadly. Yeah. Ted and Terry can take their idea of romance and shove it directly up their asses. This sucks. It also gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “my husband is a heartless bastard.” Tortuga. Jack walks down a pier, the two slappy prostitutes from the first movie on each arm. “Granted it tends to list to port and has been, on occasion, known to frighten young women, but I promise you, you will not be disappointed,” he’s saying. I am totally going to blame my new teenage male coworker Karl (not his real name) for the fact that my mind just fell completely into the gutter. Chrissy: I think the pun was actually intended in this case. Diandra: Of course it was. This movie is clearly written by men who never matured past junior high. Chrissy: There are men who do? Diandra: ...good point. The prostitutes frown at the little lifeboat with sails at the end of the dock and ask if *that’s* the Pearl. “It’s not very big.” Jack says no, dear, that’s a dingy. “My vessel is magnificent and fierce and huge-ish and...gone. Why is it gone?” The blonde woman squints into the distance and asks if that’s it way out there. Jack says yes! That’s it! Why is it way out there? The women look less than thrilled but he assures them that it’s much larger up close. Bet he says that to all the girls. Augh, damn you, Karl! Chrissy: Oh, don’t blame him. You were warped long before you started socializing with teenage boys. Redhead whines that he promised to take them for a ride. [Diandra laughs hysterically]. And you thought he was referring to a ship? C’mon lady, you’re a prostitute. You should know better. Blondie says hey, I was supposed to get first ride. Redhead says you? Uh-uhn, I’m sick of settling for your sloppy seconds. Besides, that’s not what he told me. Jack slips away from the impending cat fight and finds Gibbs asleep on the dock. He dumps a goblet of - I assume - rum on his face and he sputters awake. “Any particular reason why my ship is gone,” Jack asks. Gibbs says what? We *are* on the ship and starts to go back to sleep. Two seconds later, he jolts awake and yelps “Jack! The ship is gone!” Heh. Jack gets a hilarious ‘no shit!’ look on his face and says “really?” One of the whores yelps as they have by now resorted to pulling hair and Jack rounds on them. “Ladies will you please shut it! Listen to me...” He turns back and forth between them: “Yes, I lied to you. No, I don’t love you. Of course it makes you look fat. I’ve never been to Brussels. It’s pronounced ‘eh-gree-gee-ous’. By the way, no, I’ve never actually met Pizarro, but I love his pies. And yes, I do think the whelp is quite lovely.” [WHACK!] Okay, scratch that last part. “And all of this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship is once again gone, Savvy?” Of course, they both respond to this by slapping him. Jack slaps Gibbs. Gibbs just blows it off and says “take what you can...” Jack finishes their catchphrase: “give nothing back.” Hans Zimmer: Yay! I love this song! Pearl. Barbossa feeds Jack the Monkey half of a peanut. Curly, Larry, the Tweedles and Marty approach and Curly says some of the men “don’t feel entirely settled about leavin’ Captain Jack behind.” “Again,” Larry adds. Well, at least this time you left him at a port instead of a deserted island. That’s an improvement. Curly says it would make them feel better regarding their “fortunes” if they could see that “item” he’s told them about. “On de charts,” Marty adds for the audiences’ benefit. Barbossa says ah, well, in that case and whips out the charts. “There’s more than one way to live forever. Gents, I give ye the Fountain of Youth.” He unrolls the charts with a flourish and slowly raises it to reveal the giant hole in the center where the actual map part used to be. He rolls his eyes dramatically and mutters “Sparrah...” Jack raises the Jolly Roger on his dingy...if you know what I mean (DAMNIT, KARL!)...and sings the original That Blasted Song to himself. Except he doesn’t know all the words to it so he’s mostly mumbling a few da das and dee dees and something something “really bad eggs”. He sits down to consult the stolen map and spins the wheels to reveal “aqua de vida” off the coast of Florida. And Florida is actually labeled as such. What time period is this supposed to be anyway? Because we’re well into the 1800s now, apparently. A dotted line with a ship leads to the “aqua de vida” and has the caption “Ponce de Leon, 1523”, which is only about ten years off. Jack pulls out the Compass of Misdirection, which points to the rum bottle behind him. Heh. He picks it up and tries again and it points in another direction that may be the Fountain of Youth. Or it could be the Dutchperson, who knows? [WHACK!] Diandra: Oh, come on. You don’t think it’s suspicious that Jack wants to find the Fountain of Youth and live forever now that Will is immortal? Chrissy: [voice dripping sarcasm] Yeah, because there’s no other possible reason a guy like Jack would want to live forever. It must be the slash subtext! Diandra: See, I knew you’d come around eventually. [WHACK!] “Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho,” he finishes with a flourish and takes a swig. And credits. After the credits, a small child (who looks a lot like the kid at the gallows at the beginning of the movie if you ask me) runs through some grass to a cliff edge, singing the original That Blasted Song. A subtitle appears that reads “ten years later”. Oh, god... Sure enough, Liz trails behind him, smiling motherly. I feel a gag reflex coming on. Liz puts her arm around him and they watch the sunset, which is followed by the usual green flash and muffled boom. And we close on Will hanging off the side of the Dutchperson, smiling. He won’t be smiling long once he finds out about the child support. And I know I said it before, but it bears repeating: THIS SUCKS! Chrissy: To be fair, we did kind of see it coming pretty much from the start. Those anvils were kind of hard to miss. Diandra: Oh, I know. That’s not my problem. I liked the movie. Really. It’s just Ted and Terry’s masculine- warped ideas of romance that piss me off. Ted: What are you talking about? It’s the perfect romance! And it’s totally poetic! Will gets to be with his father, who he hasn’t really seen since he was a child, and Elizabeth, who he’s known and loved since he was, like, eight, will wait faithfully to see him once every ten years... Terry: Um, Ted? I think I hear dogs barking outside... Have fun with the cleanup boys. ~Diandra