"Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" Directed by: Gore Verbinski Staring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly, Geoffrey Rush, Jack Davenport, Jonathan Price and a cute little monkey with a bad temper. Rating of movie: PG-13 Rating of this recap: R (scenes marked with asterisks (*) around them indicate deleted scenes found in the DVD extras) I know I keep saying I'll stop making slash jokes in every recap and then I end up doing it anyway. Well, this time I've decided to try something different. I convinced my friend Chrissy (Christine) to watch the movie with me as I did the recap with the instructions to slap me - hard - upside the head if I start making a slash joke. Chrissy: Honey, it's Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. It didn't take much convincing. Err...anyway, here goes nothing! [Chrissy cracks her knuckles] A little girl stands on the deck of a ship and sings "Yo ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)" hereinafter referred to as "that blasted song" as in "don't tell me they're singing that blasted song AGAIN!" A crew member (Gibbs) (Kevin McNally) freaks out and scares the bejeesus out of her. She spots a boy floating in the water (no I'm not skipping anything, really!) and the crew hauls him on board. Her father (Price) orders her to take care of him as she is the only female on board and I have the sudden urge to jump right through the screen and keel haul his ass. Chrissy: Dude, ease up on the feminist rantings or we'll never get through this recap. Anyway, she finds a medallion around the boy's neck that apparently identifies him as a pirate and hides it. She introduces herself to him as Elizabeth Swann (hereinafter referred to as "Liz" because I'm too lazy to type "Elizabeth" every damn time). He says his name is Will Turner and passes out. Well, that didn't take long. This recap might just stay under twenty pages if I keep going like this. Chrissy: I've read your other recaps, hon. Not likely. 15 years later (I'm guessing), Liz wakes up in her bed in the Governor's mansion. She takes the medallion out of a drawer, leaving a nice little ring of dust, and puts it on. There's a knock on the door and she scrambles to stuff it inside her gown. Why doesn't she just take it off? Oh, right...suspension of disbelief. Got it. Her father (the Governor) enters and presents her with a gift - a dress. So I guess we can assume she's daddy's little girl, although considering this is a Disney movie that should have been a given. He blathers on about some guy named Norrington who is being promoted to Commodore later in the day while a couple of maids wrestle Liz into a corset. Some guy enters and tells Governor Daddy that he has a visitor. Cut to a grown up Will (Bloom) pacing the entrance. He fiddles with something on the wall and it breaks off VERY LOUDLY in his hands. I guess we're supposed to assume he's a bumbling ninny for now. Gov. Daddy greets him and Will presents him with the sword he ordered, babbling about the craftsmanship. Then he flips it in the air, catches it handily and holds it out to Gov. Daddy. On take 54 or so after nearly poking everybody's eyes out. Liz enters the room and Will promptly swallows his tongue. She says she had a dream about him last night. Chrissy: Oh yeah? So did I! (wink, wink) Diandra: (rolls eyes) Oh shut up. And mop up that drool would ya? Chrissy: Mine or yours? He calls her "Miss Swann" and she asks him how many times she has to tell him it's ELIZABETH, damnnit. He says "at least one more, Miss Swann." I'm guessing he got a lot of wedgies as a kid. Or whatever the 18th century equivalent is. She gets frustrated and snips "good day, Mr. Turner." He trails after her and says "good day, Elizabeth" except she's already gone and he's just talking to himself now. Cue Johnny Depp. Diandra: Um...Chris? I can't see what's going on if you sit that close to the screen. Chrissy: (dreamily) Huh? He's standing on the mast of a dinky little boat trying to look powerful and commanding. Then he jumps down to bail water out of the boat in a futile attempt to make it stop sinking. There's a shameless visual gag as Jack (come on, we all know that's his name, it's in the previews) rides the boat up to the dock with only the mast still above water. Can you tell this is a Disney movie yet? He *swaggers* down the deck and a man chases after him asking for his name and a shilling to tie what's left of his boat to the dock. Jack gives him three and says - or rather slurs - "forget the name". The guy says sure thing Mr. Smith and turns his back so Jack can easily swipe his money pouch on his way out. Ceremony where Norri (because I'm too lazy to type his entire name too) gets a promotion. Gov. Daddy hands him the sword Will gave him earlier and he starts swinging it around dramatically. I half expect it to go flying off into the crowd, accompanied by a loud scream. Heh. Excuse me while I just entertain myself over here. I'm getting bored recapping exposition stuff, can we just get to the action and sword fighting already? Chrissy: You have no patience whatsoever, do you? Diandra: I have ADD. What do you think? Jack is still swaggering around on the docks - looking like some 18th century drag queen - when he's stopped by a couple of British soldiers: Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber. He makes idle chitchat with them to establish the names of the three ships that will be featured in this movie: the Dodge, the Intrepid and the Black Hole...er...Pearl. Chrissy: Yeah, like that's the only problem with that sentence. The Black Pearl is apparently a pirate ship that is "crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out." Gee, this is just so fascinazzzzzzzzzzzz. Anyway, while the Clueless Boys are arguing about whether or not the Pearl actually exists (did they not check the title of this movie?), Jack slips past them and stands at the wheel of the Intrepid, pretending to steer it the way an eight year old pretends to drive mom's car. The Clueless Boys point riffles at him and he says "I'm sorry, it's just...it's such a pretty boat!" Yeah, just put a dress on him and call him "Jackie". Chrissy: Hey, watch it! [Diandra sticks her out tongue at Chrissy] He tells them his name is John Smith. Then he whips out a bow and arrow and breaks into song. Oops, wrong movie. They ask what his purpose is in Port Royale, "and no lies!" He says he plans to "commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer me weasely black heart out." Pause. "I said no lies," Tweedle Dumber whines. Heh. Norri and Liz escape the ceremony to have a little private chat beside a wall that drops straight into the ocean. Can you see where this is going? Norri is droning on about marrying her and proving that he's about as romantic as you'd expect an 18th century soldier to be when: a) he's in a Disney movie b) he's not the hero of the story c) he's British and d) he has a gigantic stick up his ass. She gasps "I can't breathe," but he's too busy listening to himself talk that he doesn't notice, so she just falls over the wall into the ocean. Over on the Intrepid (which, as luck and contrivance would have it is nearby), Jack asks the Clueless Boys if they're going to save Liz. Nope. He mumbles something about "pride of the King's Navy", hands them his hat, belt, sword, gun, etc. and dives in. We get a close up of the medallion still around Liz's neck as the wind starts blowing and ominous music plays. Um...okay. Zzzzzzzzz... Jack has to remove Liz's dress to keep her from sinking to the ocean floor and I have to wave smelling salts under Chrissy's nose. Chrissy: (grabbing remote and rewinding scene) I am *so* wishing I were her right now! Diandra: You have issues, hon. The Clueless Boys help Jack haul her up on the Intrepid and Tweedle Dum announces that she's not breathing but seems to have no idea what he should do about it. Jack just handily rips her corset apart and she coughs up water. "Obviously you've never been to Singapore," he gasps. I'm afraid to ask. He notices the medallion and asks her where she got it in an ominous voice. Before she can answer, the cavalry arrives and her Daddy orders his men to shoot Jack. Liz protests, and Norri pulls back Jack's sleeve to reveal a pirate brand courtesy of the East India Trading Co. Gee, how nice of them to forego their tradition of branding people's *foreheads* in favor of putting it somewhere Jack could easily hide it. Chrissy: Sweetie? You're thinking too much. Stop it. He also finds a tattoo that identifies him as "Jack Sparrow". "*Captain* Jack Sparrow," Jack corrects. Tweedle Dum hands Jack's things to Norri, which includes a pistol with only one bullet and a compass that doesn't point North. "You are without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever heard of," he smarms. Jack slurs, "but you *have* heard of me." Heh. Liz protests that he still saved her. Norri counters that he's still a pirate. An extra finishes putting shackles on Jack and he wraps the chain around Liz's neck, taking her hostage. He orders them to hand his things to Liz, who then has to put them on him. He throws Norri a not-so-subtle *look* while Liz has her arms wrapped around his waist to tie his belt. Then Liz does something that makes him wince and say "easy on the goods, love." Snort. When she's done he tells the men that this is the day they will remember as the day they *almost* caught him, shoves Liz at them and escapes. Yes, it's a rather long, tightly choreographed escape, but it's all visual, which is really a bitch to recap. The soldiers give chase and Jack ducks into a Blacksmith shop. He finds the owner - Brown - passed out drunk and manages to break out of his handcuffs by sticking the donkey that runs the machinery with a hot poker and wedging the chain between gears. The door to the smithy starts to open and he hides. Will enters and blinks at the poor donkey running in circles, bleating frantically. He gets it to stop and wanders around for a while, talking to himself, before he sees Jack's hat lying on a workbench. He reaches for it and Jack slaps his hand away with a sword. "You're the one they're hunting," Will gasps. Really, brainiac? What was your first clue? Jack says Will looks familiar, which of course will be important later. He blathers for a bit and turns to leave. Will grabs the nearest sword and waves it at him. Jack asks if he really thinks that's a good idea. Apparently, Port Royal is a small town and word travels fast because Will already knows about Jack "threatening" Liz and he's *not* happy. Jack rubs his sword against Will's and...wow, that sounds dirty. [WHACK!] Sorry. Clang clang clang. Jack admits that Will seems to know how to handle his sword. If you know what I mean (wink wink). [WHACK!] Diandra: What? That wasn't a slash joke! Chrissy: I don't care, it was still completely tasteless. Jack starts testing Will's ability ("parry, parry, thrust, good!") and Orlando gets to show off by effortlessly swinging the blade in every direction including behind his head. Jack decides he's had enough and heads for the exit. Will throws his sword and it hits the door about an inch from Jack's face. Jack tries to yank it loose and fails. He tells Will 'that's a nice trick, but now you're in my way again and you're unarmed so you'd better start prayin'!' Will grabs a sword conveniently left in the fire and waves the flaming end at Jack. The donkey squawks and starts running in circles again, the poor thing. Clang clang clang. Somehow, even though they're surrounded by wood and hay and they both have long hair and loose clothing, the sparks flying from Will's sword fail to start a fire. Clang clang clang. Will grabs another sword. There's really no reason for it except to make the choreography look even more complicated and it looks cool to have him swinging two swords at once. Jack gawks at the dozens of swords hanging everywhere and asks who makes them all. Will grunts between lunges that he does and he practices with them three hours every day. "You need to find yourself a girl, mate," Jack slurs. Hee! Chrissy: Oo! I'll volunteer! Pick me! Diandra: Down girl. Clang clang clang. "Or," Jack continues, "perhaps...you've already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you?" Then he very blatantly looks at Will's crotch. [WHACK!] Diandra: I didn't say anything! Chrissy: Preemptive strike. Diandra: (grumble) I find it interesting that they've made sure to cover up Johnny's dozen or so tattoos but Orlando ends up practically waving his at the camera. And yes, as someone on IMDB pointed out, it's entirely plausible that Will would have a tattoo, but I highly doubt it would be of an ELVISH NINE. Chrissy: Shhh! Quiet, I'm trying to watch the pretty boys play pirate! They jump up on a ramp and it shakes loose. Again, there's no point to this except that it looks cool to have two guys fighting on top of a makeshift seesaw. Jack gets his broken handcuff chain wrapped around one of Will's swords and Will spears it into the ceiling, trapping him. Jack swings at Will with his free hand, looking ridiculous, and finally manages to kick a loose board into his face, knocking him to the ground. Jack swings himself up and tries to wrench free. He succeeds and crashes back down to the seesaw just as Will steps on the other end, launching him to the ceiling. Yes, folks, this is a Disney movie. Jack gets up to find Will gone and smiles, thinking he's won. Somewhere, Wile E. Coyote pokes his head out of a ditch and holds up a sign that says "yeah, right". Will sends something heavy crashing into the seesaw and launches Jack. They resume fighting, jumping back and forth between support beams, until Will sends Jack's sword flying. The stunt doubles perform a few gymnastic moves to get back down to the floor and Jack dumps a bag of some sort of powder in Will's face, kicking his sword away. Will reaches for a crowbar and Jack points his pistol at him. Oh, so *now* he thinks of doing that? So, basically, the scene could have gone like this: "Will grabs the nearest sword and waves it at him. Jack pulls out his gun and tells Will go get out of his way or he'll blow his brains out." But noooooo. Instead they have to go through a highly choreographed, five minute sword fight before Jack finally gets around to the freaking obvious. Oh well, at least it was a fun waste of time. "Lle naa vanima no uuminda ya ron quent," Will blurts. What? Okay, not really. He just whimpers "you cheated." I almost expect him to add "You meanie! I'm telling mom!" The soldiers, who have somehow discovered Jack's location, start banging on the front door and Jack begs Will to move and let him go out the back one. Will, naturally, refuses. Brown finally emerges from his drunken coma and breaks a bottle over Jack's head, knocking him out. The soldiers bust in and commend Brown for capturing Jack. Brown slurs that he was just doing his "civic duty". Will gets this hilarious, long- suffering look on his face. Of course, I think what makes it funny is the fact that he looks worn out, his hair looks like he just emerged from a wind tunnel and he's covered in...I don't know, sawdust? All I know is that according to IMDB it's actually powdered chocolate. Chrissy: Mmmm...chocolate covered Orlando... Diandra: (rolls eyes) Prison of Poor Pathetic Pirates. A bunch of prisoners are using a bone to try to lure the cute little dog with the keys in his mouth. And yes, this is a scene directly from the ride. From the next cell over, Jack tells them they're wasting their time and goes back to lounging around and looking cool. Governor's mansion of repressed, motherless daughters. Liz's maid puts flaming hot coals into a warming pan and sticks it under Liz's mattress. That's one way to start a fire. She twitters about how frightened Liz must have been to be threatened by that pirate. I'm thinking she was in more danger when she was falling over a cliff and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, but whatever. Chrissy: Besides, she was pressed up against a hot guy! If *I* were her, the only thing I'd have to worry about is the stains on... Diandra: PLEASE do me a favor and don't finish that sentence! The maid tells Liz she and Norri are a "smart match." Liz looks dejected and says 'yeah, sure, he's a real prince charming. Somebody shoot me.' The maid mentions Will for no reason other than to make Liz uncomfortable. Liz snarls and tells her to can it. Flagrant denial. Ye Olde Blacksmithy of Total Doormats. Will is hammering away at something that isn't Jack. (Pause) [WHACK!] Diandra: Caught you off guard there, huh? Chrissy: *grumble*tasteless*grumble* I guess he's psychic now because he seems to sense that the Black Pearl is headed for Port Royale. Norri and Gov. Daddy are on patrol, blathering about Norri's not-yet-accepted (gee, I wonder why?) proposal when cannonballs start flying. Jack looks out of his cell window and breaths "it's the Pearl." Scaredy Cat over in the next cell starts babbling about the Pearl attacking ships and towns and never leaving any survivors. Jack asks where the hell those stories come from if there were no survivors and Scaredy looks confused. Heh. Main street of shooting, screaming and general chaos. A bunch of pirate clichés row ashore in lifeboats and start looting and terrorizing. One, who I can only describe as Crazy Burning Beard, throws grenades through windows. In the smithy, Will, who can't resist the temptation to play hero, grabs a tomahawk and rushes outside, throwing it into CBB's back. Meanwhile, Norri orders Gov. Daddy to take cover in his office and Gov. Daddy just stares at him like he was ordered to strip naked and do a jig or something. Liz watches from the balcony as a few pirates make their way to the Governor's mansion and knock on the door. I'm sorry, but what sort of pirate *knocks*? Liz tries to warn the servant, but he opens the door anyway and gets his head blown off. Liz - instead of ducking immediately and finding someplace to hide in the hopes that they won't find her - screams her damn head off and alerts everyone within a mile radius to her presence. Then she runs into another room and collides with the maid who tells her the pirates are probably looking to kidnap her as she's the Governor's daughter. Gee, thanks, that's helpful. Let's just fast-forward a bit here... Liz barricades herself in the dining room and tries to grab a sword from a plaque on the wall. The whole plaque comes with it as it is securely attached. Oh, good, because those "hero using a decorative weapon for actual fighting" scenes are obnoxious. She hides in the pantry as two of the pirates - hereinafter referred to as Larry and Curly - break in. Blah blah they're looking for the medallion, which she is (stupidly) still wearing. Seriously, why didn't she take that damn thing off a long time ago? They open the pantry door and she blurts "parley." Then she launches into an explanation of what that means (basically, "take me to your leader") although they should really know what it means already seeing as THEY'RE BLOODY PIRATES! Back to the chaos on the streets. Will is attempting to fight a guy twice his size because in his vocabulary "heroic" is synonymous with "stupid." Hmm...actually, that sounds about right. Anyway, the guy grabs him by the neck and tells him to say goodbye. A piece of the building comes loose and slams him through a window. Will turns cocky and snarks "goodbye." Then he LOOKS AT THE CAMERA. What the? He sees Liz being dragged off by Larry and Curly and moves to run to her rescue but is stopped by the not-so-dead-anymore CBB who throws a grenade at him. Of course, it's a dud. Sigh. When will people learn that you can't kill a lead character 30 minutes into the movie? Will smirks, raises his tomahawk...and then an extra runs by and whacks him on the head with a candlestick. He gets a funny little cross-eyed look as he falls onto the mattress behind him. Diandra: Is it just me, or did it sound like that candlestick was striking something hollow? Chrissy: You'd better watch it, girl. Prison of Poor Pathetic Pirates. Jack dives for cover as a cannonball comes crashing through the prison. Unfortunately, it came crashing through the other cell, freeing all the other pathetic pirates and leaving Jack to watch them go sadly. So he grabs a bone and starts trying to lure the guard dog. Heh. The dog starts moving closer, but is scared off when a couple of pirates enter. Dreadlocks recognizes Jack and spits at him tauntingly. Biker Dude (what? That's what he looks like!) says the last time they saw him he was alone on an island, "shrieking into the distance." I can totally picture that. Jack tells them they have a nice little reservation in the seventh circle of Hell right next to Nero and Ivan the Terrible and Dreadlocks reaches through the bars to choke him...revealing a skeletal arm. Ew. "So there is a curse," Jack gasps. Dreadlocks says Jack don't know shit about Hell and he and Biker Dude leave Jack to ponder this new development. And in case we weren't aware of the fact that this is a DISNEY MOVIE, several of the cannon blasts produce smoke shaped like a Mickey Mouse head. Yeah. Subtle. Liz boards the Pearl and is greeted by a Big Bald Black Guy with a Jamaican accent, who slaps her the second she opens her mouth. Heh. Enter Geoffrey Rush. He chastises BBBG for slapping people under the protection of Parley. Then he apologizes to Liz, but it doesn't matter because we can already tell by his voice that he's slime. "Captain Barbossa," she says hautily. "I'm here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royale." Barbossa tells her to say that again in layman's terms. She tells him to take his ugly ass ship and get the hell out of Dodge. Or words to that effect. He says he's "disinclined to acquiesce to [her] request." Liz stares at him cluelessly. "Means no," he says as if he's talking to a not-so-gifted child. Heh. She rips off the medallion and threatens to dump it overboard. Barbossa and his Not-So-Merry-Men pretend not to care, which is stupid considering Larry and Curly already told her that's what they came for in the first place. She calls their bluff and Barbossa asks what her name is. She says "Elizabeth... Turner." Yeah, wishful thinking. She claims she's a maid in the Governor's mansion. Yeah, because she could pass for a maid the way she's dressed. And the way she acts all bossy and expecting to get her way. Right. Not that it matters because they didn't hear anything beyond "Turner," at which point they all started talking excitedly. She hands the medallion to Barbossa and the BBBG starts giving orders to haul out. Liz yelps 'wait a minute! You have to let me off this pile of firewood!' Barbossa says, 'no we don't, so ppppbbbbbttttt!' And I'm gonna throw this in just because I love the way he says it: "The code is more of what you would call..." [exaggerated eye roll] "guidelines than actual rules." Heh. Next morning. Will is still passed out on the street. What kind of town is this? Nobody even bothered to see if he was still alive? What, they just drove their carriages around him and continued on their merry way? Sheesh! He wakes up and marches into some sort of archway where Norri and his men have laid out a map on the table to discuss battle maneuvers or something. Will announces that the pirates have taken Liz, as if her potential future fiancé (not) and father wouldn't already know that. Blah blah blah Tweedle Dumber somehow manages to bring up Jack and the Black Pearl and Will suggests asking Jack to lead them to it. Norri rejects the idea on the grounds that the pirates left Jack to rot in his cell and are therefore not his allies. I don't think I see the logic in this. If they were his enemies, wouldn't he be more willing to trap them than if they were his allies? Oh, whatever. Will slams his tomahawk into the map on the table and barks, "that's not good enough!" Chrissy: Aw, yeah, baby! You tell 'em! Diandra: That's right. I forgot that you like your men pushy and demanding. Chrissy: I've been a baaaaad girl! Diandra: Ew! Stop it! Norri treats Will like a child throwing a temper tantrum (which is not all that inaccurate, really). He calmly removes the tomahawk and takes Will aside for a little lecture. He reminds him that Will is not the only man who "cares for" Liz. Er...pass. Prison of Poor Pathetic...er...Pirate. Jack is using the bone to attempt picking the lock. He hears a noise and scrambles back, trying to look inconspicuous as Will careens down the stairs. Will asks if he knows the Black Pearl. Haven't we already established that? And where the hell did that bone go? He asks where it "makes berth" and Jack asks why Will thinks he would know that. "Because you're a pirate," Will splutters impatiently. Jack asks if Will's thinking of joining up. Will practically shakes the cell door in a fit of rage and snarls "never!" That's what he thinks. Then he searches the floor for some remaining shred of his self-control and mutters "they took [Liz]." Jack says, 'Oh, you *did* find a girl! Good for you! You're on your own!' Will offers to break Jack out of jail if he agrees to help him save Liz. Jack goes off on a tangent and asks for his name. Will Turner. Jack looks thoughtful. "No doubt named after your father, eh?" What, is Jack a Canadian pirate now? Will blinks at him in surprise and says why yes, actually. Blah blah Jack agrees to the plan. Will lifts the door off its hinges ALL BY HIMSELF. What the hell? Chrissy: Ooo...my big, strong, manly man! Diandra: Oh, give me a break, *I* probably weigh more than that thing! (glares at Chris) And no comments from the peanut gallery. [Chrissy shrugs and smirks "innocently"] Jack grabs his things and they escape, stopping under a bridge while Jack plans their next move. Will asks if they're going to steal a ship. Jack says no, they're going to "commandeer" a ship. Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. Then he turns to Will and asks how far he's willing to go to save Liz. Will says, 'I don't know, second base?' [WHACK!] Or he says he would die for her. "Oh, good," Jack responds perkily. "No worries then!" Well, that's reassuring. Heh. Cut to an overturned canoe on the beach. Two pairs of legs lift it and walk it into the water "stealthily." Yes, once again, THIS IS A DISNEY MOVIE! They walk across the ocean floor, using the air bubble to breathe and make small talk about whether Jack is insane or a genius or an insane genius and can we get to the action already? Not that I don't find this entertaining to watch (in fact, Johnny Depp pretty much makes that an impossibility), but it's freakin' boring to recap. They climb aboard the Dodge. I would ask how they managed to get to the surface without getting wet, but I'm starting to think I should have abandoned all logic by now. "Everyone stay calm," Jack announces, arms waving, swaggering ridiculously. "We're taking over the ship!" Will, attempting to be more assertive, barks "Aye! Avast!" Pause. The crew of Brit soldiers bursts into laughter. I can't blame them. I'd laugh too if a drag queen wannabe and his pet lackey started waving swords and threatening me when I'm surrounded by half a dozen soldiers potentially armed with muskets. The leader of the group tells them the Dodge can't be crewed by only two men. The "you shmucks" part is implied. Jack just cocks his pistol and slurs "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?" Chrissy: Oh yeah, baby, you tell 'em! Diandra: Are you going to be like this the *whole* movie? Chrissy: I was thinking about it. Why? Diandra: (groan) Sometime later, Norri and his lackeys on land spot the Spineless Crew in a lifeboat, the leader shouting and pointing at the Dodge. Norri follows the gesture and sees Jack waving his arms exaggeratedly (nothing new there) at Will, trying to direct him and Will fumbling cluelessly. Norri rolls his eyes and once again declares Jack the worst pirate he's ever seen. So, Norri's men - who are all obviously a few nuts short of a Snickers - sail the Intrepid over to the Dodge and *all* climb aboard. As if it takes a dozen soldiers to capture two men. Meanwhile, Jack and Will swing over to the Intrepid, cut the ropes securing it to the Dodge and take off. Chrissy: Aw yeah! That's my boys! Diandra: Don't make me get out the duct tape. Norri realizes too late what's going on and reaches the side of the ship just in time to see Jack wave and shout his thanks. Norri orders his men to get the Dodge close enough to fire the cannons. His lackey uselessly points out that they'd be firing on their own ship as if Norri gives a rat's ass. It doesn't matter, though, because Jack disabled the rudder chain so they can't go anywhere. The lackey declares Jack the "best pirate" he's ever seen. Norri snarls and throttles him. Okay, he doesn't, but you can tell he wants to. On the Intrepid, Will is telling Jack his life story. Blah blah blah raised in England blah blah moved to Port Royale after Mommy was killed by hunters. Then he LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AGAIN! What, is this some sort of nervous tic? Then he brings up Jack's earlier mention of Daddy Turner. "You knew my father." Jack says 'no, I *am* your father!' Or, he says yeah but he's the only one who thought of him as "William" or "Bill" - everyone else just called him "Bootstrap." "Good man. Good pirate. I swear you look just like him," he says. Will gets agitated and tells Jack he's lying; his father was a merchant sailor and a law abiding citizen. Well, whoop dee doo. Adolph Hitler was an artist and a great speaker but that didn't make him the Dhali Lama. Jack says 'your Daddy was a pirate, nitwit, get a clue.' Will draws his sword. Sigh. I'm starting to see a pattern here. Every time things don't go according to plan he gets upset and starts threatening people with sharp objects. Obviously he doesn't think before he acts or he would know better than to threaten the person he needs to find Liz when they're out in the middle of NOWHERE and he has no idea where they're going. How's about easing up on the dramatics a bit there, hon? Jack calmly says there's no sense in Will getting "beat." Will says Jack didn't beat him and in a fair fight Will would kill him. Uh-huh. Fair fight. Sure. Roll eyes here. Jack points out that that doesn't exactly encourage him to fight fair and spins the wheel around so the mast knocks Will off the deck and leaves him dangling over the water. He can do this because the wheel is really just a prop and therefore not attached to anything which means it isn't meeting any resistance such as, say, WATER. Chrissy: Dude. Stop being such a buzzkill. Jack picks up Will's dropped sword and tells him to stop being such a baby and listen up. Then he waxes philosophical about what a man can and can't do. "You can accept that your father was a pirate - and a good man - or you can't." Will just grunts and flails. "I can let you drown," Jack continues. "But I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy?" Heh. Onesies. He hauls Will back on deck and asks if Will can sail under the command of a pirate. Like he has a choice? Will just raises his eyebrows and says, "Tortuga?" Oy. That's all he got out of that? Tortuga. Land of Fun Loving Pirate Antics (read: Chaos and Criminal Activity). Jack is spouting flowery poetry to Will as they walk. "If every town were like this one," he declares. "No man would ever feel unwanted." He'd also wake up every morning with a black eye, a severe hangover and no memory of what happened to his wallet. Then Jack winks and pinches Will's butt. [WHACK!] Diandra: What? Like you wouldn't? Chrissy: Fuck yeah, but that's not the point. A hooker walks up to them and Jack greets her with an enthusiastic "Scarlet!" She slaps him and marches off in a huff. At Will's amused expression, Jack says he doesn't think he deserved that. Oh, I'm sure he did. Another hooker walks up, asks "'ho was she?" and he gets slapped again. "I may have deserved that," he admits sheepishly. Heh. *They walk through a real life recreation of a scene from the ride, complete with the mayor being dunked in the well. Jack says he knows a man who knows a man who can get them a crew. He throws his cane (or whatever it is) to Will and enters a building. Will hands it to the nearest drunkard and follows Jack. The drunkard uses the cane to knock out the guy next to him and starts kissing the girl he was flirting with. Hee.* Jack throws a bucket of water on Gibbs (remember him?), who is sleeping propped up on a couple of pigs. Gibbs rants and raves at Jack about not waking up a sleeping man because it's bad luck. Diandra: And it's *good* luck to sleep with barnyard animals? Chrissy: Certainly not for your love life... Jack offers to buy Gibbs a drink and says he has a "proposition." Then Will throws another bucket of water on him. "I'm already awake," Gibs roars. Will wrinkles his nose and says "that was for the smell." Snerk. Prissy elf. Bar of Perpetual Brawling. Jack and Gibbs chat over a couple pints of Guinness or something while Will stands guard at the door to their room. Jack announces that he's trying to find the Pearl. Gibbs coughs and splutters and asks if Jack has lost his mind. Actually, it's only an implied question. It's also a rhetorical one, because...well...obviously. He asks why Jack thinks Barbossa will give up his ship. "Let's just say it's a matter of leverage," Jack says mysteriously. Will's ears perk up at this. I'm telling you, the boy's either psychic or he has superhuman senses. Gibbs doesn't get it. Jack all but drags Will in by the scruff of the neck and shout "HIM you moron!" Once the light starts to dawn, he tells Gibbs that Will is the only child of Bootstrap Turner. Gibbs says he feels a "change in the wind." Nah, that's just the warm front emerging from Jack's mouth. Nothing new. He agrees to help Jack find a crew. They drink and bang their mugs on the table loudly. *Will jumps about a foot in the air at the noise, knocks over a table and waves his sword threateningly at the crowd of startled patrons. Remember what I said about Will and sharp objects? Yeah. In the sudden silence, Gibbs mutters something to Jack about the stick Will has up his ass. "You've no idea," Jack sighs. The patrons return to their regularly scheduled brawl and Will sheathes his sword, turning his nose up and shooting the Dynamic Duo a look that says "I knew that." Hee! Diandra: Speaking of having a stick up his ass... [WHACK!] What makes you think that's where I was going with that? Chrissy: Because I know you. Diandra: (pouts)* Meanwhile, on the Pearl, Larry and Curly present Liz with a dress Barbossa has requested she wear when she has dinner with him. She says they can tell him to shove it. Curly grins and says Barbossa told them that if she refused she'd eat with the crew...naked. She snatches the dress from him and his face falls. Heh. Dinner with the Devil. Liz is daintily cutting her meat and eating veeeeerrrrrrrry slooooooowwwwwly. Barbossa laughs and tells her she doesn't have to act like such a rich brat and she drops the silverware and tears into the leg of whatever it is like a wild animal. Charming. He watches, amused, and pours her a glass of wine, which she gulps greedily. Then, in yet another homage to Disney, he holds out an apple and encourages her to try it. Snow White...I mean Liz accuses him of trying to poison her. He says he has no reason to. She says he has no reason to keep her alive either. And since this is a PG-13 DISNEY MOVIE, he doesn't point out one very obvious reason that a bunch of pirates would want to keep a pretty woman around. Instead, he tells her the ENTIRE story behind the medallion. Blah blah Aztec gold blah blah Cortez blah blah heathen gods blah blah curse blah. Liz says she doesn't believe in ghost stories. Or vampires. Or werewolves. Or little green men in flying saucers. "Little GREY men," Mulder shouts from a cave somewhere in New Mexico. Anyway. Barbossa says he didn't either so he and his Not-So- Merry men stole the gold and went on a shopping spree. But then they started to realize that "drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust." That sound you hear is Walt Disney rolling in his grave. When Barbossa isn't looking, Liz hides her knife under her napkin. He tells her the only way to remove the curse is to return the last of the gold coins and "repay" the blood - hence why they need her. She leaps at him and stabs him in the chest. He just pulls the knife out and wonders aloud what made her think this was a *good* plan. She scampers out the door and runs into a couple of CGI skeletons. The Not-So-Merry-Men. She gets tossed around for a while (no, I'm not recapping it. It's all visual) and I'm sure poor Keira was hoarse for a week from all the screaming she had to do for this scene. She hides under some stairs and a skeletal version of the monkey shrieks - and waves the medallion - at her. She runs back inside where Barbossa grabs her and tells her that the moonlight shows them for what they really are: a bunch of half-dead freaks. Blah blah whine whine is he still talking? It's not like he didn't walk into this with his eyes open or anything. Hear that? It's the world's tinniest violin playing, buddy, so SHUT UP! About the only thing you need to know here is that apparently this cursed state renders them unable to be killed. Barbossa steps into the moonlight himself and takes a slug out of a bottle of wine, making a huge mess all over the deck since, in his skeletal form, he has no internal organs. Liz darts past him - although I don't know where she thinks she's going - and the crew all have a hearty laugh. Tortuga. Gibbs is introducing Jack and Will to the "crew," which is, naturally, the weirdest group of misfits he could find outside of a freakshow carnival. "*This* is your able- bodied crew," Will mutters sarcastically. My sentiments exactly, Will. Jack stands in front of a man with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder (oy, the clichés) and spews out a long-winded tongue-twister of a question. On take 50. But it turns out the man - Cotton - is mute and trained his parrot to talk for him. "Wind in the sails," the parrot squawks. Snort. Jack asks if Will's satisfied. Will looks Jack up and down, smirks and [WHACK!] Diandra: You could at least let me finish. Chrissy: Fine. Go ahead. ...and says "I thought I already answered that question last night." (Rim shot) [WHACK!] Diandra: Thank you. Chrissy: You're welcome. "What's in it for us," a distinctly female voice asks. Jack walks over to her and lifts the hat covering her face. "Anamaria," he says. She slaps him. What a shocker. He-he. I wonder how much time Johnny spent just getting slapped around during filming. Smartass Will says "I suppose you didn't deserve that one either." Jack says no, actually, he deserved that one. Anamaria says damn right he did and slaps him again. Ha-ha wheee! Chrissy: You are enjoying this way too much. Apparently he "borrowed" her ship and never brought it back. Will tells her she can have the Intrepid and Jack stops just short of wringing his neck. Or perhaps just taking him over his knee and [WHACK!] ...maybe not. Gibbs reminds Jack that it's bad luck to have a woman on board. Sexist pig. Sorry. Jack either says it would be worse luck to *not* have her or it's worse luck to have *her*, but between the accent and the drunken slur it's hard to tell. Of course, the Hapless Crew is hit by a major storm on their first night out. Jack sits calmly at the wheel staring at his compass while Will and Gibbs are thrown from one side of the ship to the other. Will asks Jack how the hell they're supposed to get to an island nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work. Gibbs tells him that the compass just doesn't point *north*, but they're not trying to *find* north. What does it point to then? Greenwich? Jack announces that they're gaining on the Pearl, although how he can see more than two feet in front of the bow in that shit is beyond me. Barbossa and his Not-So-Merry-Men drag Liz (hands tied, medallion around her neck) into a cave filled with enough gold to support a decent-sized country. Meanwhile, the Hapless Crew, not far behind, plow their way through the graveyard of ships who's captains were stupid enough to make this trip in the past. Will asks Gibbs how Jack got the Compass of Misdirection. Gibbs says back when he was captain of the Pearl. "What," Will yelps. Gibbs looks like he's said too much and Will may have to be killed now. Blah blah mutiny blah blah Jack marooned on an island blah blah got too much exposure to UV rays and went cuckoo. Will says that explains a lot. Snort. Gibbs also says he was left a pistol and one bullet so he could save his mutineers the trouble and blow his own brains out. But he escaped somehow and plans on using that bullet to kill his mutinous first mate: Barbossa. Why do I find it difficult to believe that a guy like Barbossa would ever take orders from a wimpy drag queen like Jack? [WHACK!] Diandra: Dude. You're supposed to do that when I make slash jokes. NOT when I make fun of your imaginary boyfriend! Chrissy: (grumble) Will asks how Jack got off the island. Gibbs says he made a raft out of sea turtles. Will stares at Gibbs like he expects him to suddenly strip naked, climb the mast and start making rooster noises and asks what Jack used for rope. Jack cuts in to answer "human hair...from my back." Ew. And hee. Jack says he and Will have to leave now and if something should happen to them, such as they get into a bickering match and kill each other, the Hapless Crew should "keep to the code." Treasure Cave. Jack and Will row through the tunnel of... [Diandra looks at Chrissy warily] completely platonic non- lovers? [WHACK!] Chrissy: Nice try, butterfingers. Will sees the skeletons of previous adventurers and asks Jack what the "code" is. "Any man who falls behind is left behind," Jack answers. Nice. Then he says that despite Will's negative opinions of pirates he's rapidly becoming one, what with breaking a pirate out of jail, stealing a ship, joining a pirate crew "and you're completely obsessed with treasure." Will says that's not true! "I am not obsessed with treasure." Hee! They dock and Jack says "not all treasure is silver and gold," and points to where Liz is being held hostage over a chest of gold coins while Barbossa gives a long-winded, dramatic and pretty much pointless speech. Will, who has no self-restraint whatsoever, makes to run out into the open, knocking several coins over and alerting the monkey (but strangely, no one else) to their presence. Jack puts a stop to his suicide attempt and tells him to wait for the "opportune moment." Chrissy: Can you hold up a sec? I can hear nature calling me. Diandra: Yeah, sure. Can you get me something to eat while you're up? All this typing is making me hungry. (Waits for Chris to leave the room) "But let's just forget about [Liz] for now," Jack says, leaning closer to Will. "What?" Will splutters, confused. "You know...This could be very dangerous." Jack explains, his voice turning husky. He runs his fingers along the side of Will's neck. "You don't want to die a virgin, do you, mate?" Will's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to protest, but his words are muffled by Jack's lips. He moans as Jack's hand slips beneath his waistband, out of sight. "Jack," he gasps when Jack lets him up for air. "We can't..." He trails off as Jack starts tugging his shirt off and sucking at his neck. "Don't worry," Jack whispers with a smirk. "I'll be gentle." He starts tugging at Will's pants and... Chrissy: (coming back in the room carrying a bag of pretzels) What are you doing? Diandra: (innocently) Nothing. Will asks if the "opportune moment" is when it's most "profitable" for Jack. "Can I ask you something," Jack says, leaning *very* close to Will's face. Which looks funny because Orlando is a good two inches taller than Johnny, so he's looking *down* at him with this amused-but-maybe-sorta- intimidated expression... Chrissy: Just get back to the recap, Ms. Tangent. Right. "Have I ever given you reason not to trust me," Jack asks. Well, no, but since he hasn't known you that long and pirates aren't exactly known for their honesty, I'm thinking his trust isn't going to come easy, hon. Then he kisses Will full on the mouth, with tongue. [WHACK!] Diandra: Oh, come on! Their lips are, like, an *inch* apart! Don't tell me the thought didn't cross your mind! Chrissy: No, actually, it didn't, you freak. Jack says he knows this might be difficult for Will but could he, maybe, try to stay here and not do anything stupid? Gee, I don't know. That might be a bit *too* difficult for Captain Impulsive over here... Barbossa is still rambling away. He shoves Liz's head over the chest and the Not-So-Merry-Men chant annoyingly. Will creeps up on Jack at his observation post and knocks him unconscious with an oar. Obviously Jack needs to learn that in order to keep Will from doing anything stupid, he should keep an eye on him and not leave him with any potential weapons. Barbossa rips the medallion off Liz, shoves it in her hand and slits her palm. "That's it?" she whimpers. He smirks. "Waste not." They drop the medallion and there's a long, silent pause. Curly asks how they know if it worked. Barbossa rolls his eyes and shoots him in the chest with a ridiculously huge pistol. Nothing happens. Duh. We're only half way through the movie here, what did you expect? Barbossa asks who Liz's father was. Was his name William? Did he go by the name Bootstrap maybe? Does he have an over-dramatic child with a talent for sword fighting and bad impulses? Liz just blinks at him. Barbossa asks where the hell Bootstrap's kid is and I half expect Will to come around the corner and yell "right here!" The yutz. Alas, it doesn't happen and Barbossa reasserts his evil bad guy image by slapping Liz so hard she tumbles down the hill of gold and lands next to some water, the medallion landing next to her. The BBBG yells at Larry and Curly for retrieving the wrong person. Meanwhile, the *right* person swims up to Liz and helps her escape with the medallion. Bicker bicker. 'It's all your fault!' 'Well, me and this pistol here say it isn't!' Ahem. Will and Liz walk *right* past them, but everybody's too busy ripping each other a new one to notice. Barbossa finally sees the monkey pointing frantically in the direction Will and Liz went and realizes they've taken the medallion. And the chase begins! Er...right after we take a little detour into The Bumbling Jack Show. He staggers into Larry and Curly, holding the oar Will clocked him with. "You're supposed to be dead," Curly accuses. This from the person who just got a bullet blown through his heart. Jack looks confused and slurs, "am I not? Oh..." then totters off in the opposite direction. Heh. He is surrounded by pistols from all directions and starts mumbling. "Par...sly...parsnip...par..." "Parley," Larry asks. "That's it," Jack declares happily. So he knows about 'The Code' but he doesn't know about 'Parley'? What? Curly curses the assholes who came up with that rule. Jack slurs, "that would be the French." *I'm not sure if this was actually supposed to be a scene or if it's just a blooper, but he goes on to say that the French also invented mayonnaise and are obsessed with raisins, which are really just "humiliated grapes." Oh, and they're "terrific singers." Somehow the name Vanessa Paradis comes to mind. "Eunuchs. All of 'em." Okay, what the hell is this guy's obsession with Eunuchs? Then Curly says he used to date a Eunuch and I start searching for a baseball bat so Chrissy can beat me over the head until that image is permanently removed from my brain.* The Intrepid. Liz is less than thrilled to be greeted by the Hapless Crew. Gibbs asks Will where Jack is. "Jack Sparrow?" Liz practically screeches, giving Will the evil eye. Will ignores her and says, "he fell behind." Yeah, you wanna tell them exactly how *that* happened, Judas? The crew observes a moment of silence as Will escorts Liz below deck. Treasure Cave. Barbossa asks Jack how the hell he escaped from the island. Jack says they forgot one thing when they marooned him... "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." Well, now that we've cleared up that little mystery. Barbossa says he won't make the same mistake again, turns to his men and says you guys remember this assclown, right? "Kill him." As they cock their pistols, Jack reveals that he knows why the curse didn't break. It's because they needed the blood of a specific person and that's not Liz. Why? What kind of curse is this anyway? Oh, the hell with it. Barbossa, who clearly looks in need of a vacation, rolls his eyes and tells the Not-So-Merry-Men to hold their fire. (continued in part 2)