"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" Directed by: Gore Verbinski Staring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly, Bill Nighy, Jack Davenport, Jonathan Pryce. Written by: Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio Music by: Hans Zimmer I don't really need to do introductions here, do I? Y'all saw the first movie right? Did you read my recap of it? Remember Chrissy - the person who smacks me in the head when I make slash jokes? Good. Then let's just begin because this is going to be a *long* recap. We open on a tray of pretty little teacups sitting in the rain, a music stand with a soggy sheet of music half falling off of it...what the hell is this? Elizabeth is sitting in the rain wearing what looks like a wedding dress and we get a couple quick cuts of guys in British uniforms climbing out of boats for reasons that are unclear. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on and we're only a minute into the movie. This does not bode well for the rest of this recap. Before I can rejoice at the knowledge that Will saw the light and ran off to be with Jack...[WHACK!]...oh, come on. I can't be the only person who went there. Some of the soldiers bust into a familiar blacksmith shop and wave a pair of manacles. I'm guessing this has nothing to do with Mr. Brown. Back to Elizabeth, who's looking very wet. She turns suddenly and rushes down (or up, whichever) the aisle toward a shackled Will surrounded by way too many soldiers. Seriously, I think a half a dozen men would have been sufficient. You didn't need to bring in the whole damned British army to capture one person; I don't care how good a fighter he is. Liz demands to know what's happening. Well, the writers are trying to start this movie by getting right to the plot without totally losing the audience members who didn't see the first Pirates of the Caribbean and it's turned into a confusing and nonsensical mess. I mean, what the hell was Liz doing ALONE at the altar in the pouring rain while Will was hiding in the blacksmith shop? And why did they feel the need to parade him in front of her in handcuffs? I mean...what? Chrissy: You seriously need to stop thinking so much. Will says Liz looks beautiful. She says she thinks it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. I think it's bad luck for the groom to be *arrested* before the wedding, but whatever. Governor Daddy (remember him?) comes running up to shout at some white wig pompous ass (let's just assume), who I think the audience is supposed to think is Norri as he has his back turned to the camera. Gov. Daddy asks how dare he do this and tell his men to stand down at once! Pompous Ass turns and gives him a look that instantly establishes him as the smarmy bastard of the movie. "Governor Weatherby Swan," he purrs. "It's been too long." Weatherby? Snort. Apparently, Gov. Daddy recognizes him as "Cutler Beckett" and says he has no reason or authority to arrest his daughter's fiancé. Beckett says he does and produces the arrest warrant. Gov. Daddy looks at it, looks at Will and Liz, looks at it again and says, "this warrant is for Elizabeth Swan." Beckett says oh, really? My bad. Arrest her! Some of the five dozen men grab her, much to the horror of the collective heroes, while Beckett fishes Will's warrant out of the trunk his deputy is lugging around. He also finds one for James Norrington and asks if he's here. Right. Because people are always willing to just step up and say "I'm here! Arrest me!" The Exposition Fairy whaps Gov. Daddy on the head with her wand and he babbles something about Norri resigning his commission "some months ago". Liz snits that they are "under the jurisdiction of the king's governor of Port Royal [sic] and you will tell us what we are charged with." "Conspiring to set free a man convicted of crimes against the Crown and Empire and condemned to death," Gov. Daddy reads from the warrant. For which, Beckett gleefully points out, the punishment is also death. The Exposition Fairy gives him a poke and he steps menacingly toward the doomed couple and slimes "perhaps you remember a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow." "Captain," they both correct. Heh. He fixes his beady eyes on Liz and says, "yes, I thought you might." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Cut to a ship sailing at night in a storm. Maybe it will stop raining by the end of this movie. "Fifteen men on a dead man's chest..." a grizzled voice sings. Great. Looks like we have a new That Blasted Song. Turns out it's Gibbs, staggering around the deck of the Black Pearl, slugging rum. A loud noise makes him jump. The captions say it's a "bell tolling" but it sounds more like a gong to me. A flock of crows flies over head and we follow them in a very Peter Jacksonish shot over to a bridge/tower/structure...thing. I don't know, okay? There's a scared shitless guy in chains getting dragged past guys in cages. A crow lands on a cage and dives at one guy's eye with its pointy beak and I spend the rest of this scene looking anywhere but at the television. There's screaming and creaking doors and a lot of squishy noises I don't care to identify. Diandra: Tell me when it's over. Chrissy: [looking pale] This...is a Disney movie? Diandra: Well, that's what you get when you hire a director known for D-rate slasher flicks. Chrissy: You're still thinking of Peter Jackson. Diandra: [Blink] Oh...right...never mind. On a nearby cliff some burly men toss wooden coffins into the water. We follow one out to sea where a crow lands on it and begins pecking the lid. Before my mind can fully form a joke beginning with "if somebody starts knocking back..." the lid explodes outward, raining feathers and wood everywhere. While several members of PETA run off to write angry letters, an arm wielding a pistol emerges and turns in a circle like maybe the pistol has a special attachment that allows the person in the coffin to use it as a periscope. It lowers and Jack shoves his way out to the PoTC fanfare. He plops his hat on his head, mutters "sorry mate", yanks a skeletal lower leg/foot out with a loud crunch and uses it as a paddle. That is just so...Jack. He climbs aboard the Pearl where Gibbs notes that this was not exactly according to plan. Oh, like Jack ever has a plan. Jack babbles something about complications being overcome and staggers off. Gibbs, suddenly totally sober, darts after him, asking if he got what he went in for. Jack waves what looks like scrap of leather but is stopped short by a group of pissed off looking crew members. Gibbs says they were kind of expecting something a little more...shiny. Blah blah Isla de Muerta blah Royal Navy blah blah hurricane. Chrissy: What happened to the Exposition Fairy? Diandra: Oh, I had to return her to her dungeon before Erin noticed I stole her. Sorry. Jack's crew has all the usual suspects from the last movie plus some new Indian guy. Gibbs says it's been a long time since they've done some "honest pirating." Jack asks if that's how they all feel - "that perhaps dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as captain?" Long uncomfortable silence. Collective thought bubble reads "yes, actually." "Awwk, walk the plank," Cotton's parrot squawks. Jack waves his pistol at it and barks "what did the bird say?" Heh. Indian guys says quit fooling around and show them what's on the piece of cloth he was waving. Jack the Monkey jumps out of nowhere suddenly, snatches something from Jack's belt and skitters off. Jack shoots it, it hits the deck with a squeal, somersaults, staggers a bit and keeps going. The angry PETA members, not quite finished with their e-mails yet, take note. Gibbs says Jack knows that doesn't do any good. Because, as those who stuck around after the credits of the first movie know, the monkey is cursed and cannot be killed. Jack says it makes him feel better. Marty, the person of short stature, picks up the dropped cloth and announces that it's a key. Jack says no, it's much better, it's a "drawering" of a key. The crew members are unimpressed. Jack adopts the tone of a schoolteacher. "Gentlemen, what do keys do?" The Indian guy slowly answers that they unlock things. Jack pats him on the head and gives him a gold star. Gibbs infers that whatever this key unlocks, there's something valuable in it. Jack nods enthusiastically for a moment and says "no!" Heh. "If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?" "So we're going after this key," Gibbs tries. "You're not making any sense at all," Jack says patronizingly. And ironically. Have I mentioned I love Johnny Depp? Though in the "hey, he's a really entertaining actor" kind of way, not the "oh my god he's so hot and I want to have his children" love that Chrissy harbors over here... Chrissy: [Staring dreamily at the television] I'm sorry, did you say something? Diandra: Nope. Would you like me to get you a bib and a mop? Chrissy: Hmm? Oh, sure. Could you get me something too while you're up? Marty asks if they have a heading. Jack pulls out the Compass of Misdirection (see last movie), which spins around like it's possessed. He points in every direction while he waits for it to land someplace and tells them to sail in a general "that way" direction, then saunters off. Gibbs and Marty go off to one side and Marty asks if Gibbs has noticed that Jack "seems to be acting a bit strange...er." As opposed to what? Seriously, against what litmus test would Jack qualify as "normal"? Gibbs nods gravely and says it's not like him to sail off without knowing his own heading (really?) and something must have him vexed. "What bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all," he intones. Cut to a wig painting a giant map on a wall. A couple of soldiers march a still-shackled Will in to see Beckett, who tells them they can uncuff him. "The East India Trading Company has need of your services," he says ominously while pouring a glass of liquor...ominously. "I don't know what Jack told you but I don't charge group rates," Will replies. [Pause] Chrissy: Oh, for...[WHACK!] Diandra: There it is. Beckett offers Will a drink. Will glares at him. Beckett says they want him to act as an "agent" in a "business transaction" with "our mutual friend Jack Sparrow". Chrissy: Oh, come on! Note to the writers: I would like to get through at least one of these movies without getting blisters on my hands from slapping Diandra. Stop making the slash jokes so damned easy! Diandra: Hehe. Will corrects that with regards to Jack he is more of an acquaintance...with benefits. [WHACK!] Oh, blow me. [WHACK!] That doesn't count! Will asks how Beckett knows Jack. Beckett says they've had "dealings" in the past and holds up a red hot branding iron in the shape of a P so we know what he means. Why the iron is just sitting in the fire getting all red hot for no damned reason I don't know. He looks at it lovingly and says they each left a mark on each other. "What mark did he leave on you," Will asks. [WHACK!] Chrissy: I know you're thinking dirty slash thoughts right now, don't even try to deny it! Diandra: Wouldn't dream of it. [Looks off into the distance and smirks] Beckett reminds Will (and the slow members of the audience) that he set Jack free. Now he wants him to find Jack and "recover a certain property in his possession." "Recover," Will repeats. "At the point of a sword?" Well, yes if you must. Wink, wink. [WHACK!] Beckett says he'll bargain and pulls some papers from a chest on his desk. "Letters of Marque," he explains. "You will offer what amounts to a full pardon. Jack will be free. A privateer in the employ of England." "Somehow I doubt Jack will consider employment the same as being free," Will notes dryly. Well, who would? In a fairly abrupt cut Beckett walks out onto the porch overlooking the harbor, oozing that "Jack is a dying breed. The world is shrinking - the blank edges of the map filled in. Jack must find his place in the new world or perish." Then he reminds Will that he and Liz are facing execution. Will concludes that the "property" Beckett wants is the Pearl. Beckett, amused, says no he wants something much smaller and more valuable. Something Jack keeps on his person at all times. JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY! A compass. Will makes a really shitty attempt at a poker face and Beckett concludes that he knows of it (really?). He wants Will to bring it to him or the deal's off. Pearl - Captain's quarters. Close up of the "P" brand on Jack's forearm for audience members who didn't get the whole "leaving a mark" conversation (or maybe missed it somehow in the first movie). He picks up a bottle and tips it upside down. A few lonely drops of liquid spill out. "Why is the rum always gone," he bemoans. Then he gets up, staggers a bit, and says "oh...that's why." Heh. He grabs his hat and coat and goes down into the dark bowels of the ship with a lantern. In his defense, this was before the advent of the horror movie. He grabs a bottle from a rack and turns it upside down. Sand pours out of it. "Time's run out, Jack," a voice says nearby. Subtle, writers. Jack drops the bottle with a crash and follows the sound to find an ill-looking man hunched in the corner, dripping water. Somehow, Jack recognizes him as Bootstrap Bill, who those of us who saw the first movie instantly recognize as Will's father. Bill looks up and I know he's a totally different actor but he bears such a resemblance to Geoffrey Rush in this shot that the first time I saw this scene I wondered who the casting people thought they were fooling. "You look good, Jack," he says, a pint or so of water spilling from his mouth. Of course, Jack can't return the sentiment as Bill is covered in seaweed and barnacles and vaguely resembles the ghost of Bob Marley. Instead, he gapes, frowns and asks if this is a dream. Bill says no. "I thought not," Jack nods. "If it were, there'd be rum." Bill hands him a bottle, which he takes with a loud crunching sound like he's prying it from a corpse's fist. Bill notes that he got the Pearl back. Jack says yes, and his son even helped him. Bill blinks. "William?" No, your other son. Thanks, writers. I'm sure the members of the audience who missed all the references to Will's father Bootstrap Bill in the first movie appreciate it. They would show their appreciation by applauding but their coordination has been somewhat lacking since they had those lobotomies. Jack asks what the hell Bill's doing here. Bill says Davy Jones sent him. "Oh, so it's you then," Jack says cryptically. "He shanghaied you into service." Interesting choice of words considering that expression wasn't really used before the 19th century. Bill says he "chose it". Over what? A long, painful death? A snail slithers across the barrel next to him. He catches it and pops it in his mouth, chewing miserably. Ew. He blathers some more stuff we either already know or could have at least figured out from the first movie. Blah blah cannon blah blah bottom of the ocean blah blah curse blah blah could not die blah. Apparently he jumped on the first offer he got to save him from his "fate". Jack says it's "funny what a man will do to forestall his final judgment." Bill says funny you should say that because you made a deal with Jones too. "He raised the Pearl from the depths for you." Um...what? He advances on Jack menacingly and says he won't be able to weasel his way out of it - the same rules binding him apply to Jack. "One soul to crew one hundred years upon his ship." "Yes, but the Flying Dutchman already has a captain," Jack argues pathetically. Bill says it's the locker for him then and Jones' "terrible leviathan" will find him and drag both him and the Pearl to the depths. Jack, who is practically doing the limbo to get away from Bill, asks if he knows when Jones might release "said terrible beastie". "I already told you, Jack. Your time is up," Bill says. He grabs Jack's hand and seems to slip something into his palm. "It comes now, drawn with a ravenous hunger to the man who bears the black spot." Huh? Pause for a moment. I decided to do a little research into the real legend of Davy Jones because all I knew before this movie was that "Davy Jones' locker" was a sailor's euphemism for death. As it turns out, there is no "real legend". Everything about Davy Jones in this movie is 10 percent attempting to weave together three separate legends and 90 percent Ted and Terry making shit up. Also? According to Wikipedia, the earliest reference to Davy Jones describes him as "having saucer eyes, three rows of teeth, horns, a tail, and blue smoke coming out of his nostrils". Yeah. Jack holds his hand up as said spot forms on his palm like a rapidly forming burn. He gapes and sputters as Bill disappears, then runs up on deck, shouting frantic orders to the crew. "I want movement!", "haul those sheets!" and "run as if the devil himself and itself is upon us!" Gibbs asks if they have a heading. Jack yelps like a little girl and says "run! Land!" and disappears behind a post. Gibbs peers around the other side. "Which port?" "Didn't say which port," Jack babbles. "I said land! Any land!" Jack the Monkey swings by, snatching his hat and tossing it overboard. Gibbs starts giving orders to turn around and get it. Jack yelps no! Leave it! The crew all gape at him in shock. Sheesh. It's a *hat*. "Run!" he yelps and slinks off as they go back to work. Gibbs follows and finds him cowering beneath a staircase. He demands to know what's coming after them. "Nothing," Jack says, a wildly panicked look in his eyes. We follow the hat as it floats in the water and transition nicely into day. Some guy on another boat fishes it from the water and he and another guy babble, without subtitles, in what the closed captioning identifies as "Turkish". Allow me to translate. Guy #1: Hey, look! Some yutz lost his hat! [plops it on his head] Look at me! I'm a captain!" Guy #2: Give it to me! #1: Why? I found it. Get your own. #2: You look like an idiot. Give it here. [snatches it and places it on his own head] Ah. Much better. Bow before me, worthless peons! #1: You look like a little girl wearing Mommy's shoes. Give it back! Meanwhile, something slithers ominously under the water toward the ship. #1: That's not fair! You're always taking my things! #2: [scratching exposed chest hair] Ah, yes. Your sister sends her regards, by the way. #1: [splutter] You...you *animal*! #2: That's what she said last night! They stop talking suddenly as a low groan fills the soundtrack. The ship cracks a little and jolts with a muffled thud. #2: [frantically taking off the hat and shoving it in #1's chest] I've angered the gods! Here, take it! #1: Are you crazy! That thing is cursed! You take it! I'll tell my sister you died heroically! Cut to a long shot of the ship in the vast ocean. Or, you know, a model of the ship in the big tank behind the Disney lot. The ominous music stops and the ship seems to implode in a massive plume of water and disappear. Okay, that was awesome. Prison Formerly Known as the Prison of Poor Pathetic Pirates. Will bursts in, followed by Governor Daddy. Liz is in a cell. Will crouches next to her and holds her hands through the bars. The lone guard protests but Governor Daddy reminds him that he is still the Governor. "Do you think I wear this wig to keep my head warm?" No, I think you wear it because you don't realize it makes you look ridiculous. "Jack's compass," Liz asks like they're performing in a play and we're supposed to assume she and Will were talking in the background even though we couldn't hear any murmuring. "What does Beckett want with that?" Will says "I don't know. Maybe he wants to find his lost morals? It's not like it matters. This whole 'plot' is just an excuse to get me off on another adventure with Jack." Or words to that effect. Governor Daddy says no, they need to find another way to free them both. "Is that a lack of faith in Jack or in me," Will asks, wounded. Governor Daddy points out that the fact that Will would risk his life for Jack doesn't mean Jack would return the favor. You think? Elizabeth says she has faith in him. "Both of you." Well, that's setting yourself up for disappointment. Will says he'll start in Tortuga and won't stop searching until he finds Jack. Then he'll return and they'll get married. "If you'll still have me," he adds. "If it weren't for these bars," she says. "I'd have you already." [Diandra splutters in shock and grabs the DVD box, scanning the back to confirm that this is, in fact, a PG-13 Disney movie] First the gratuitous violence and now a blatant sexual invitation? Is the Disney company slipping? Governor Daddy stumbles nearby, breaking some sort of fixture from the wall loudly. Heh. Liz says she'll wait for him. Will leans forward, tells her to keep an eye on the horizon, *doesn't* kiss her and runs off, leaving Governor Daddy to stare into space and kick himself for not sending his daughter to a nunnery years ago. Montage of people Will is apparently asking for information on Jack. "I heard he was dead." "Singapore...Drunk, with a smile on his face." (Usually, yes), then, in a great call back to the first movie, one of the prostitutes says "when you find him, will you give him a message?" Chrissy and I both mutter "whack!" under our breaths. And, sure enough, she slaps Will. Heh. Then a Jamaican guy says there's an island just south of the straits where he trades spice for "delicious long pork" which I really hope is not a euphemism. [WHACK!] Thank you. "Cannot say about Jack, but you'll find a ship there. A ship with black sails." Okay, thanks shifty eyes! He takes Will to said island where they find the Pearl stranded on the beach. "My brother will take you ashore," he says. Cut to the brother rowing a small boat ashore, hallelujah. Chrissy: You just couldn't resist, could you? Diandra: Nope. He stops suddenly. Will asks what's wrong. "C'est trop dangereux," the guy replies. "What," Will asks dumbly. "C'est trop dangereux, je vous l'avais dit," he repeats, wondering why the hell foreigners are always so dumb. Apparently, Will does not understand French. He stands and the guy says "Bon voyage, Monsieur." "What did you call me," he asks cluelessly. Or not. Actually, he just sort of clumsily dives into the water and trudges to shore next to the ship, shouting for Jack, Marty and Cotton (yeah, like the guy with no tongue is gonna answer you, dingbat). He eventually realizes that nobody is there and wanders into the jungle. Yeah, why not. I'm sure it's totally safe. He finds Cotton's parrot, who squawks "Don't eat me!" Will, clearly unable to recognize an omen when he sees one, frowns, says "I'm not going to eat you," and continues on into the jungle. Sigh. "No. Don't eat me," the parrot squawks after him. Forget it, Polly. It's not working. At least you tried. It's not your fault Will is too stupid to live. Will finds some sort of fine rope which, being a few bricks shy of a load, he follows. A guy painted to blend into a tree jumps out at him and he's swept up in a hanging trap. He manages to wrestle his sword out and swings it at the native tribes people crawling out of the bushes to surround him. "Let's go," he snarls. "Come on! Who wants it? I can do this all day!" Who is this and what happened to Will? The natives look at each other, clearly baffled by this strange white man who thinks he can fend off a dozen-plus people with long spears while dangling upside down from a tree. One guy shoots a blow dart into his neck and he mercifully passes out. We pan over some gorgeous mountains and valleys while war drums play. The natives drag Will, strapped to a pole like a deer carcass, past several straw huts and over a bridge. Chrissy: Awww...Will on a stick. And it isn't even my birthday! Diandra: [groan] Really? You're going to make that joke? You know it's completely unoriginal, right? Chrissy: Oh, like half your jokes aren't? Diandra: Bite me, Blondie. Chrissy: Including that one. [Diandra gives Chrissy the finger] They bring him to a throne. Jack is sitting on it, his face covered in war paint. Will blinks at him groggily. "Jack?" Jack looks at the natives from the corner of his eyes as Will laughs and gushes about how he's actually happy to see him. How happy? [WHACK!] Oh, I wasn't going there, you pervert. Jack stares blankly and nances up to him, poking his shoulder experimentally. "Jack, it's me," Will yelps. Jack says something to the natives, who chant something back. "Tell them to let me down," Will squawks. Get with the program, clueless. Jack gestures at him and says "Kay lay lom. Lom picky picky. Lom...eensy-weensy." I'm totally not making this up. Translation: Thank you for this lovely virgin sacrifice, but he's a little...smaller than I was hoping for. [Long pause] Diandra: Nothing? Chrissy: You mean I'm supposed to dignify that lame ass joke with a response? He squats down to get a closer look at Will's ass and says "Lom say...eunuchy." Oh, give it a rest already. The natives murmur in apparent understanding. Jack walks past Will's head so Will can see the compass on his belt and babble that all he needs is the compass and Liz is in danger and we were arrested and it's all your fault and why didn't you love me?! [WHACK!] Sorry. Ahem. Jack whirls on one of the tribesmen and says "say say lom shup shup shaw smaw may lama shucka. Savvy?" No, not really. Blank stare. He waves to Will and adds "Baw licky licky." You want to do what now? [Chrissy raises her hand warningly] This, they apparently understand as they begin chanting excitedly. Jack leans down to Will and hisses "Save me." Yeah, and how is he supposed to do that when he's strung up like a Christmas goose? "What did you tell them," Will shouts uselessly. "What about Elizabeth?" You've got bigger problems to contend with right now, Sparky. Prison of Poor Pathetic Pouting Daughters. A bunch of guys we didn't see before are whistling and beckoning through the bars. Didn't we already do this ride reference? Oh, wait... they're gesturing at Elizabeth. Cute. The guard opens the gate and Governor Daddy blows in urgently. "Come quickly!" She follows as he explains that their name still has "standing" with the King and he's arranged for her "passage to England". Okay, so what was the point of sending Will to get the compass then if he could have done this in the first place? Chrissy: Shhh...less thinking, more writing. She protests to that end and Governor Daddy lamely says they can't count on Will to save her. Besides, Beckett has only promised one pardon and that was to Jack. Of all people. Ironic, no? He begs her to not make him endure her execution and shoves her into a carriage. He says he might be able to get Will a fair trial if and when he returns. "A fair trial for Will ends in a hanging," she spits. "Then there is nothing left for you here," he replies, shutting the door. Gee, that's encouraging. Way to give her hope, DAD. He drives the carriage all of 50 feet to a waiting boat surrounded by several men with torches. He climbs down and some creepy looking guy kills the captain of the getaway boat in front of him. "Evening Govnah," he says creepily, wiping blood from the knife calmly. Governor Daddy tries to back away but is surrounded by armed men. "Elizabeth," he whimpers, hustling toward the carriage. Creepy Guy beats him there and opens the carriage door to find...nothing. Of course. "Where is she," he demands. "Who," Daddy says dumbly. Yeah, nice try. Beckett's evil lair. He enters to find a piece of paper poking from the chest where someone obviously tried to close it in a hurry. "No doubt you've discovered that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm, as your father believes," he says out loud. Elizabeth steps from the shadows. "Then what is?" He says "currency" actually. Ah, so this is when mankind started to really go downhill then. She says well then, we should be able to come to some sort of "understanding" because she's here to negotiate. He says he's listening. She waves a pistol in his face. "I'm listening intently," he corrects. Heh. She says these "letters of Marque" are signed by the king, right? He says yeah, but they're not valid until they have his seal and signature. She says that's why she's still here. She reminds everyone that he sent Will for the compass owned by Jack Sparrow and WE KNOW! He sent Will! For the compass! Jack Sparrow's compass that he always carries with him! My fingers are getting tired here, can we stop repeating everything and move the fuck along already? Chrissy: Breathe. Diandra: [Gasp. Pant. Snarl.] She says it won't do him any good anyhow because she's been to Isla de Muerta and she's seen the treasure. "There is something you need to know." He's not interested. "You think the compass leads only to Isla de Muerta and so you hope to save me from an evil fate." She says "actually, I was just going to tell you to forget all the other crap in the caves. The real treasure is in the big chest on top of the hill of gold. Happy hunting!" Not. He says he doesn't care about the cursed Aztec gold. "There's more than one chest of value in these waters." He suggests she may want to enhance that chest...er, that "offer". Chrissy: [imitates sound of a lifeguard whistle] That's it! Out of the gutter! Diandra: [whiny voice] But I don't wanna! She puts the gun under his chin and says he's forgotten to consider the fact that he "robbed [her] of [her] wedding night." Good lord, woman. He's cute but really. When did you become a bundle of raging hormones? "A marriage interrupted," he murmurs as he signs the papers. "Or fate intervenes? You're making great efforts to ensure Jack Sparrow's freedom..." Yeah, this is not ham-fisted at all. She says they're not for Jack. He says really. For Will then? No answer. Because really, none of this deserves to be dignified with an argument. He says he still wants the compass. You know, Jack Sparrow's compass? The compass that doesn't point North? The compass he always carries on him? She takes the papers and runs. And now for the Comic Relief. Larry and Curly are rowing a rowboat in the open ocean. Why? I don't have a fucking clue. Leave me alone. Larry is reading what looks like a dictionary. He exposits that it was "divine providence" that "escaped" them from jail. Curly argues it was him being clever, "right poochie?" The dog with the jailhouse keys pops his head up and whimpers when he realizes this wasn't his cue to disembark and go water a tree. Larry segues that he's not stealing a ship. Curly says it's not stealing, it's salvaging. And what does he care? Larry says since they're no longer immortal they "gotta take care of our immortal souls." Correction: not a dictionary. Curly points out that Larry can't read. Larry says it's the Bible - "you get credit for trying." Yeah, that makes about as much sense as any other religious hokum I've heard. The dog barks suddenly, ending the argument. They've found the island Jack and company crashed on. The dog jumps and swims for it. Larry wonders what got into him. Curly suggests he saw a catfish. A minute later, Larry laughs and calls "stupid mongrel!" Then a wave sweeps them overboard while the dog stands on the beach, wondering who they think they're calling "stupid". Back at Camp, the natives put a necklace of toes around Jack's neck. Blech. He nibbles on the nail of one. I run to the bathroom, stomach heaving. This is Chris. Elsewhere, the rest of the crew are dangling from a cliff in cages of bone. Will demands to know why Jack would do this. "If [he] is their chief..." "Aye, the Pelegostos made Jack their chief," Gibbs agrees. "But he only remains chief as long as he acts like a chief." Will blessedly concludes that he had no choice and is just as much a prisoner as them (it's about damn time you figured it out, slowpoke!). "Worse...[they] believe that Jack is a god in human form." That's because they've been smoking too many raw tobacco leaves. "They intend to do him the honor of releasing him from his fleshy prison. They'll roast him and eat him." Will asks after the rest of the crew. "These cages we're in," Gibbs says. "Weren't built 'til after we got here." Will rips his hand from the bones like he's been burned. Diandra: Hey, who said you could take over? [snatches keyboard] Gibbs says Jack's life will end once those obnoxious drums stop pounding. Back to the cannibal ritual. The cannibals are dancing around a smoking pit. Jack jumps up, makes wild gestures and says "no! More wood! Big fire! Big fire! I am chief! Want big fire!" What? So you'll die faster? He turns to the guy behind him and says "oy! Oh boogie snickle snickle! More wood! Tout de suite!" Pick a language and stick with it, damn it! The cannibals drag a big ass log onto the fire and turn back to the throne to find...nobody. Cut to Jack running sissy-like across the bridge. Heh. He runs through a campsite and finds several bamboo poles that he deems not sturdy and/or long enough to use as a bridge across the gaping crevasse to possible safety. He bursts into a tent filled with sharp implements dangling from the ceiling and grabs a rope and a jar labeled "paprika" with what I think is the symbol of the British Navy. Wha? He emerges to find the entire clan waiting. "Oh, bugger," he mutters. He drops the rope and dashes paprika on his armpits. Heh. Cut to Jack tied to a pole, being hoisted toward the roast pit. Chrissy: Yay! Johnny on a stick! Diandra: Oh, shut up. Elsewhere, Will and company are swinging their cages back and forth as carnival music plays on the soundtrack, trying to reach some vines on the opposing cliff face. It only takes about three tries for them to succeed but let's assume they've been at it for a while. Gibbs and Will take turns ordering them to put their legs through and climb and it'll take all of them to crew the Pearl now. "Actually," Indiana calls from the second cage. "You don't need everyone. About six would do." Long pause. Will, Gibbs, et al. stare at them as they realize there are about six people in each cage. "Ohhhh dear," Indiana says. Heh. Pause. "Hurry," Will snaps. They race each other to the top of the cliff. A cannibal "guard" walks across the nearby bridge and Will hisses at them to stop. And yes, from the shot we get from the bridge, we can see that they blend into the cliff face and the guard can't see them if they don't move, but...um...wouldn't he notice that the cages aren't hanging in the middle of the crevasse like they're supposed to be? Chrissy: Your Earth logic does not apply here. Diandra: Oh, sorry. I forgot what movie I was watching. Indiana makes a "shh" gesture and indicates to his men that they should keep climbing. "Stop," Will hisses frantically. Indiana just smiles mockingly until he grabs a snake instead of a rope and freaks out, letting go and causing the others to lose their grip and fall right off the cliff. Yes, I see the irony of nicknaming him "Indiana". No, it wasn't intentional. The rope snaps and they plummet. The guard, naturally, notices. "Move," Will shouts and they climb frantically while the guard runs back to the camp. Camp Cannibal...some guy goes to shove a burning torch into the pile under Jack when the guard runs up, babbling frantically. They're escaping! Sort of! The tribal leader (?) pulls the torch away. Jack sees his opportunity and yelps "go get them! Bibbidy bobbidy boo!" The leader drops the torch near the wood pile and they all run off. Jack tries to blow the torch flames away from the wood, which naturally doesn't work. A couple sparks ignite the pile. He continues blowing frantically. Will et. al. have somehow rolled the cage over the top of the cliff. Don't ask how. Just go with it. This is my new mantra for these movies. In other improbable plot points, Jack manages to bounce himself, still tied to the pole, right off the fire pit, landing clear of the growing flames. Note to Ted and Terry: the laws of physics are not your enemy. Before Will et. al. can bust out of the cage, the cannibals descend and they have to run, rolling the cage with them like a giant hamster ball. They roll it right over a ledge and go tumbling end of end, screaming, through the jungle, up a tree and crashing back down. A) See last note to Ted and Terry. B) That is quite some craftsmanship on that rudimentary bone cage that is keeping it from smashing to pieces here. Jack runs across the bridge, still tied to the pole, stops and tries to wrestle from it. A cannibal stands nearby, fork and knife in his hands for no discernible reason, cocking his head at this little display like a confused puppy. Jack shuffles over and snatches his knife and he runs off with his tail between his legs. Jack sees two more cannibals watching him curiously, holding what looks like a tray of food. He charges at them, misses, and rams the pole into a pile of coconuts. I'll spare you the Freudian implications. Chrissy: [groan] Ewww... Will, etc. roll over another hill and fall through a crevasse into water, apparently striking the surface hard enough to break open the bone cage (finally) AND turn their Asian extra Black. Amazingly, they all survive (ha!) and swim off while the cannibals shoot arrows into the water all around them from above. This is intercut with Jack getting fruit thrown at him, the majority of which is improbably skewered by the pole strapped to his back. He finally yells stop, which the cannibals do, so we can pull the camera back and see that he does, in fact, look like a giant shish kabob. A boy runs up to the cannibals shooting at Will and Co. and babbles frantically, pointing back the way everybody came. Hurry! Chief Crazypants is getting away! Sort of! They scatter. I'm sure when this is all over they'll be glad to be rid of these troublemakers. Jack runs at the edge of the cliff, jabs the front end of the pole into the ground, flips up and end over end over the crevasse we saw earlier and lands, improbably, on his feet on the other side of the big ass gap. Excuse me while I suspend my disbelief. Chrissy: I think you might need a crane. Diandra: Thank you, smartypants. The fruit slides down the pole, upsetting his balance, and pulling him screaming over the edge. The pole catches lengthwise on the rocks on either side of the crevasse and the rope unspools, sending him spinning a few more feet until he's only attached by one ankle. Why on Earth would they have used one long, unbroken piece of rope to tie him to the pole and attach the end of it to his *ankle*? Oh, sorry...looks like my disbelief needs further suspending... Back up at the campsite, two natives look down into the gaping crevasse and have the following conversation: #1: What was that? #2: I don't know, but I feel hungry suddenly. The pole slips and Jack falls through a series of bridges, leaving a pile of mangled fruit on one, and lands on his back in the jungle. Yes, there was actually water beneath him as he was falling. No, I don't know what the continuity people were smoking when they did this. Will, etc. find the Pearl already half ready to sail thanks to Larry and Curly's efforts to "salvage" it. "We done it for you, knowing you'd be coming back," Curly says not at all suspiciously. Gibbs says make ready to sail. "What about Jack," Will asks. "I won't leave without him!" Gibbs sighs and says oh, would you get over [WHACK!] this schoolboy crush [WHACK!] and find yourself [WHACK!] some other nancing ponce to [WHACK!] ALL RIGHT ALREADY! Jack rounds a corner down the beach and Will looks relieved. Then the entire cannibal tribe rounds the corner behind him and Will squeaks "time to go!" Heh. The cannibals chase Jack past the barking prison dog and inexplicably stop, seemingly wailing in devastation as he grabs the netting on the ship's side. "Alas, my children," he calls back. "This is the day you shall always remember as the day you almost..." The ocean, sensing he is about to actually finish this sentence, sends a big wave crashing over him, leaving him drenched. "Captain Jack Sparrow," he mutters and climbs onto the boat. HA! Gibbs suggests they get the hell away from this island and head for open sea. Jack says "yes to the first, yes to the second but only insofar as we keep to the shallows as much as possible." Gibbs frowns and says "That seems a bit contradictory, Captain." [Chrissy and Diandra blink] Chrissy: How long has he known Jack? Diandra: Not long enough, apparently. Jack says he has every faith in Gibbs' navigational skills and "where is that monkey? I want to shoot something." The monkey squawks and skitters while Jack draws his pistol. Will interrupts to tell him that Liz is in danger. Jack asks if he's considered keeping her locked up somewhere. Yeah, because that worked so well in the first movie. Will says she's in prison and facing a hanging for helping Jack. "There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one's mistakes," Jack says ironically. Will, sick of this shit, draws a crew member's sword and waves it at Jack and says he needs the compass to trade for her freedom. Jack mysteriously tells Gibbs they need to travel "up river". What? Will argues that they need to make for Port Royale which everybody is pronouncing Port Royal in this movie for some damned reason. Seriously, are the continuity people done with their smoke break yet? Come on! "William," Jack says. "I will trade you the compass if you will submit to a plundering." [WHACK!] "...if you will spank me and call me Daddy." [WHACK!] "...if you will get down on your knees and beg." [WHACK!] Diandra: What was wrong with that last one? Chrissy: I'm just hoping to knock you back on track. "...if you will help me raise my mast." [WHACK!] "...if you will help me polish my sword." [WHACK!] "...me yardarm?" [WHACK!] "...if you will help me whistle a few bars of Dixie." [WHACK!] Chrissy: Wait...what? "If you will help me find this." He unrolls the drawering. "You want me to find this," Will asks. A little slow are we, William? "No," Jack says. "*You* want you to find this. Because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating in your discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle ol' whatsherface. Savvy?" Snort. Will looks unamused. "This is going to save Elizabeth," he says incredulously. "How much do you know about Davy Jones," Jack asks. "Not much," Will admits. That's okay, the writers don't either. "Yeah," he says after a beat, waving his hand dismissively. "It's going to save Elizabeth." We go to a fishing boat somewhere where a crewman finds Liz's dress laying on the deck. This leads to the guys all arguing over it and wrestling it back and forth until the Captain - a man with a thick Scottish accent - asks what the hell is going on. One guy says the ship is haunted. The other pitches in that there's a female presence among them, they can all feel it! The ghost of a woman widowed before her marriage! Looking for her husband, who was lost at sea! And she's probably a virgin! Liz looks up from painting the deck railing and tries not to laugh. She's wearing men's clothes and a big hat. How she got them without the original owner noticing is anyone's guess. One guy suggests tossing it overboard and hoping the spirit follows. Another argues that it'll just anger her. They need to find out what she wants and get it back to her. The captain calls them superstitious goats and says it's more likely they have a stowaway and they should search the ship and find her. "Oh and eh...she's probably naked." The men all scramble eagerly and Liz joins them belatedly. Elsewhere, Jack and Co. are rowing lifeboats into a swamp. Will asks why Jack is afraid of the open ocean. Wait, hang on a second... [Diandra hauls out a bound and gagged Exposition Fairy, who snarls at her] Exposition Fairy: Make up your fucking mind, would you?! I'm getting tired of this 'knock her over the head and kidnap her' shit! Diandra: Less bitching. More working. The Exposition Fairy whacks Gibbs on the head and he vomits up the following. Apparently there's a beast that does the bidding of Davy Jones, "A fearsome creature with giant tentacles that'll suction your face clean off and drag an entire ship down to the crushing darkness. [pause] The Kraken. They say the stench of it's breath is...[shudder] Imagine the last thing you know on God's green earth is the odor of a thousand rotting corpses." Will asks if the key will spare Jack. Gibbs says that's the question Jack wants answered "bad enough even to go visit...her." "Her," Will repeats questioningly. "Aye," he says grimly. If she's a giant spider I am totally out of here. Dusk. The group pulls up to a swamp hut and Jack says "no worries...Tia Dalma and I go way back. Thick as thieves. Nigh inseparable we are...were. Have been." Gibbs says he'll watch his back. "It's me front I'm worried about," Jack mutters. Will volunteers to watch that. [WHACK!] I had to try. Gibbs turns to Will and tells him to mind the boat. Will passes the order to Larry, who passes it to Curly, who passes it to Marty, who passes it to Cotton's parrot, who passes it to Cotton and flies off. Cotton sits dejectedly. Poor mute bastard. Inside is a woman who likes like a pen has exploded all over her mouth and who speaks with a nearly incomprehensibly thick Jamaican accent. She also slurs slightly, as if she's high on something, which is entirely possible if we're to believe she and Jack were "inseparable". Thank god for captions. She greets Jack warmly and says she always knew the wind would blow him back to her one day. Then she zeroes in on Will and cryptically says he has a touch of destiny about him. Oh, goody. A one-woman Greek chorus. Will: You know me? Tia: You want to know *me*. Jack: [scampering over]: There'll be no knowing here! Small children in the audience: Mommy, what does that mean? Jack pulls her back and says they came for help and they're not leaving till they get it. Will follows. Tia pushes him into a chair and fondles his face while she asks what kind of service she can do for him. Walt Disney rolls over in his grave. Then she reminds Jack that she needs payment. Jack presents her with a caged Jack the Monkey and says look! [bang, squeal] An undead monkey! Top that! Chrissy: I think she'd rather top Will, actually. Diandra: I totally wasn't going to go there, but thanks for the mental image. She lets the monkey out of the cage and declares the payment fair. Will opens the drawering on the table with a flourish and says they're looking for this and whatever it opens. Tia looks surprised and asks if the compass Jack bartered from her can't lead him to it. Jack looks confused (hard to imagine, I know). "Maybe. Why?" Tia laughs and says "Jack Spaarow does not know what 'e wants. Or do you know but are looothe to claim it ahs your owen?" [Diandra pauses the tape and fidgets anxiously] Chrissy: You really want to make a slash joke, don't you? Diandra: Badly. Chrissy: [sigh] Okay, go ahead. I'll give you a freebie. "No, not at all," Jack says, grabbing a surprised Will by the hair and kissing him. Hard. With tongue. [WHACK!] Diandra: Hey! Chrissy: Sucker. Tia says the key goes to a chest and it is that which lays inside the chest that they seek. Really? Well, that's good to know. I'm glad we made this little side trip so a whacked out mystical woman could tell us all the bleeding obvious. Gibbs asks what's inside. Curly predicts gold or jewels or "unclaimed properties of a valuable nature." She asks if they know of Davy Jones. I wish people would stop asking that. The Exposition Fairy dances around the room, waving her wand frantically as Tia unspools a yarn about him being a great sailor who "ran afoul of that which vexes aaaall men." Will asks what that is. She pets his hand suggestively and says hmmm...what indeed. "The sea," Gibbs guesses. "Sums," Curly pitches in. "The dichotomy of good and evil," Larry tries. Beat. Gibbs and Curly stare at him, baffled. Heh. He's funny when he gets to do more than chase a wooden eye around the floor. Jack rolls his eyes and says "a woman." "He fell in love," Tia elaborates. Gibbs says no no, he heard Davy fell in love with the *sea*. "Same story, different versions," Tia snaps. "And all are true." Besides this woman was just as "changing and harsh and untamable as the sea." The pain of his unfulfilled longing was too much to bear but not enough to kill him so he "cut out him heart", locked it in a chest and buried it. Yeah. That makes all sorts of sense. And he keeps the key with him at all times just to torture himself with the reminder. Or something. Will spins on Jack. "You knew this," he accuses. Jack says no, he had no idea where the key was, but now that they do all they have to do is climb aboard the Flying Dutchman and grab it. Will is dumb enough to not question this logic. Tia asks to see Jack's hand. She unwraps it to reveal the boil now nearly covering his entire palm. Gibbs hilariously minces in frantic circles and spits on the floor while Larry and Curly moan. Tia goes into the back of the hut and rummages, muttering to herself like I do when I lose my car keys. "Where did I put it? Where are you?" She comes back and announces that Davy Jones can only step on land once every ten years, a ridiculously arbitrary rule that only makes sense when you read the legend of the (non-Davy Jones captained) Flying Dutchman. So Jack is safe on land and therefore should carry land with him wherever he goes. She hands him a jar of dirt. Jack looks unimpressed and asks if this is going to help him. She says if he doesn't want it he can always give it back. He clutches it childishly and says no. Make him. Will says okay, then, apparently they need to find the Dutchman. Tia tosses some bones onto a table (a variation on tea leaves?) and they awesomely transition into rocks at sea in the same formation. Exposition Fairy: [collapses on the floor in exhaustion] Can I go back to my dungeon now? The Pearl sits several yards (knots?) from a ship that is just sitting in the water, broken in half. Oh, and it's storming. Yeah, this isn't too ominous. "That's the Flying Dutchman," Will says incredulously. "She doesn't look like much." "Neither do you," Jack fires back. Touché. "Do not underestimate her." He asks what Will's plan is. Will says he'll row over there and search the ship for the bloody key. Jack asks what happens if there's anyone on board. Will says he'll cut down anyone in his path. Yeah, good luck with that. As he's climbing down the side of the ship, Jack says that if he's captured he should say that Jack Sparrow sent him to settle his debt because it might just save his life. And Jack's hide, no doubt. Will climbs aboard the "Dutchman" and pokes around, finding a dead guy tangled in a net and a live guy frantically tugging on some ropes, trying in vain to raise the sail and muttering to himself. Will tells him it's no use - they've run aground. The guy babbles "No...beneath us...foul breath." One of the half dozen neurons knocking around Will's skull fires briefly in recognition. Something splats into the water behind them and Will - clearly not heeding the warning of the dissonant chords screeching across the soundtrack - goes to check it out. He hangs his lantern on a hook and turns over a flailing body...to find it has an undulating jellyfish like mass where it's face should be. Ew. Another ship appears from under the water with a loud, watery boom and several creepy looking monsters crawl out of the woodwork behind Will. One tells him to get on his knees and...er...[WHACK!]...pray. Will draws his sword and, after a minute or so of fighting, dips it in a convenient vat of oil and whacks the lantern, lighting the sword on fire and waving it at the advancing creatures. One lunges at him and he slashes its stomach, causing a couple dozen dead fish to spill out all over the deck. As he's gawking at this, another creature clocks him from behind and he goes down like a sack of bricks. Actual Flying Dutchman. The remaining crew of the broken ship and Will kneel on the water logged deck. A guy with a peg leg thumps over to them ominously. The way everybody clears a path and looks to him with fear instantly tells us he's Captain Davy Jones. A creature with a hammerhead tells him five men survived. Jones bends over one guy and we get our first look at his face. Basically, he looks like he's wearing an octopus as a hat. He puffs on a pipe and asks if the guy fears death. The guy nods. "I can offer you an escape," he purrs. "Don't listen to him," another doomed guy blurts, clutching his rosary frantically. Jones rounds on him. "Do you not fear death?" Puff, puff. "I'll take my chances." Jones orders the guy to the depths and one of the other monsters slits his throat and tosses him overboard. One of the other doomed crewmen yelps an insult. "Life is cruel," Jones drawls (and I mean draw-w-el-sah). "Why should the afterlife be any different?" He says he's giving them a choice. Join his crew or die. Gee, how nice of him to at least give them an option. Of course, if they join his crew they'll have to serve one hundred years, but... One 'fraidy cat doomed crewman agrees instantly. Jones then rounds on Will and notes that he's not dead or dying so what the blazes is he doing with the rest of the doomed crewmen? Will makes a face and mutters "Jack Sparrow sentmetosettlehisdebt." Jones leans closer and says say that again, sonny? "Jack Sparrow? Sent me to settle his debt." I'm not sure what Orlando was going for with these facial expressions but my guess he's conveying that the next time he sees Jack he's going to kill him. Slowly. Speaking of Jack, he's watching this scene from the Pearl through a telescope. Jones whirls to face him and apparently teleports right over to the Pearl. The crew yelp and scramble in fear as they are surrounded by more creatures. "Oh," says Jack, pretending he didn't just pee himself. "You have a debt to pay," Jones snarls. Blah blah Pearl blah blah thirteen years blah agreement WE KNOW! GOD! Jack sputters that he technically he was only captain for two years before he was mutinied. "Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless," Jones spits. Jack flails that he has given his payment - a soul to serve Jones' ship. So Will saves his life and he repays the favor by tricking him into slavery? Nice. Jones says one soul is not interchangeable for another. Jack asks how many souls his is worth. Jones ponders this and returns a ridiculous "one hundred" and tells Jack he has three days to round them up and deliver them on a shiny platter. Jack says okay then, send the boy back and we'll get started. Jones says nuh-uh, we're keeping Will. He's kinda pretty. Might make a good cabin boy. Pause. Diandra: Is your hand sore or are you just hard of hearing? Chrissy: What? Oh, I'm just lulling you into a false sense of security so I can attack you when you least expect it. Diandra: Fantastic. So, Jones reiterates, Jack has 99 more souls to go. Jack asks if he's not met Will Turner. "He's noble, heroic...terrific soprano." Yeah, yeah, Eunichy. Got it. He argues Will is worth at least four. Oh, and he's in love. "With a girl." Chrissy: Oh, come on! Was it necessary to add that? Diandra: [giggle] Yes. Yes, it was. Will is betrothed to said woman, in fact. And splitting them from each other "would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony." I'm...not sure what that argument does for him, but whatever. Beat. Jones declares that he'll keep the boy but Jack still has to find 99 other souls. So we've gotten absolutely nowhere. Terrific. "But I wonder, Sparrow, can you live with this? Can you condemn an innocent man, a frien-dah to a lifetime of servitude in your name while you roam free?" Long pause. "Yep," Jack says. "I'm good with it." Totally predictable, but still funny. Jones grabs his hand and growls "Three daysah." Then he and his men slink off. Jack looks down at his hand. It's covered in slime but at least the spot is fading. "Mr. Gibbs," he murmurs. "I feel sullied and unusual." [Diandra falls off the couch in a giggling fit] Chrissy: Oh, come on! Gibbs asks how Jack intends to harvest 99 souls in the next three days. Jack points out that Jones didn't specify the condition the souls needed to be in. Ah, Jack...always looking for loopholes. "Tortuga," Gibbs concludes. Jack wipes his slimy hand on Gibbs shirt and says "Aye, Tortuga!" Segue to Elizabeth's ship, where the officers (I guess) are bemoaning the growing monopoly of the East India Trading Company and Tortuga is the only free port left...and it's a pirate port. They are interrupted when the dress floats by the window eerily. They run outside and watch, quivering, as it floats several feet in the air, one arm pointing vaguely somewhere out to sea. Liz is up in the rigging, playing puppet master. "She wants you to do something," one of the crewmen murmurs. Liz flings the dress off the deck and back over their heads somehow, knocking over a lantern in the process. "Over there! Look for a sign," one guy yelps and they all rush to the railing and squint at the water. Liz groans and slides down, unnoticed, and says (in a "deep" voice) "What's that over there?" They rush back over and notice that the spilled lantern has ignited the word "Tortuga" written on the deck in oil. Liz's handwriting looks suspiciously similar to Walt Disney's. We cut to Tortuga and replay the entire "mayor being dunked in the well" homage to the ride scene that was cut from the first movie. Way to recycle, guys. Inside the pub, Gibbs sits behind a table with a signup sheet, asking some old guy with crazy hair why he's worthy to crew the Black Pearl. Old guy says he's never actually sailed before but he thinks he should get out and see things before he dies. Gibbs says he'll do. Yeah, that's not suspicious. Old Guy signs a piece of paper. The next guy in line says "my wife ran off with my dog..." Chrissy: And mah truck and now I'll never love again! Diandra: [overlapping] And boy do I miss him! [Chrissy and Diandra look at each other, startled] Actually, he says he's been drunk for a month and he doesn't give "an ass rats" if he lives or dies. "Perfect," Gibbs says. "Next!" 'I have one arm and a bad leg.' 'Fine! You can be in the crow's nest! Next!' 'I have two peg legs, one arm shorter than the other and two wooden eyes.' 'Great! Welcome aboard!' Okay, so I made that last one up. Nearby, Jack asks how it's going. "Including those four, that gives us...four," Gibbs says. Then he turns to the next guy, whose face we don't see, and asks what his story is. "My story," a familiar voice growls. "Is exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind. I chased a man across the seven seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission and my life." He slugs at Gibbs' rum. Norri? Is that you? "Commodore," Gibbs asks. "No, not anymore. Weren't you listening," Norri spits from beneath a few layers of dirt, stubble, a serious case of bedhead and a ridiculous looking hat. Jack slinks away and hides behind a fern. Norri says he nearly had them off the coast of Tripoli (what about the halls of Montezuma? Sorry...). But that damned hurricane that he was apparently crazy enough to try to sail through tripped him up. He tips over the table and drunkenly asks the room in general if he's worthy to serve under Captain Jack Sparrow. Or over him, he's not picky. Beat. Diandra: You're seriously worrying me here. Chrissy: [smirk] That's the idea. He notices the fern moving "stealthily" across the room and pulls his gun. No, the other one. [WHACK!] Ah, much better. "You're hired," Jack smiles. Norri smirks. "Sorry. Old habits." The new "crewmen" knock his arm as he fires and the bullet ricochets off the chandelier and shatters the bottle a drunkard is raising to his lips. That'll get him on the wagon. Not. Actually, he responds by punching the man next to him and a brawl erupts while the band "plays a merry jig". Liz pushes her way in and fights next to Norri, who drunkenly asks who wants a piece of him. "Form an orderly line and I'll have you all, one by one." Beat. Nah, too easy. Liz grabs a bottle and knocks him out, saying she just wanted the pleasure of doing that herself. Everyone cheers and goes back to drinking, taking a moment to toss Norri out into a pig sty. She follows, bemoaning what has become of him. The creepy guy who threatened Daddy is watching from inside. TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2