"Striptease"

Staring: Demi Moore, Burt Reynolds, Armand Assante, Robert 
Patrick, Ving Rhames and that guy from CSI

Written and directed by a man I will never take seriously 
again.


When I started watching Robert Patrick's movies, I made a 
promise to myself: I WOULD NOT watch Striptease. But when the 
movie was played on broadcast television recently, that 
resolution went out the window. I figured if I could see it for 
free then no harm no foul. Besides, it couldn't be any worse 
than Future Hunters, right?

Remember, I do this so you don't have to!

The movie starts with Erin Grant (Demi Moore) arguing with 
Judge Fingerhut about who should get custody of her daughter, 
her or her loser husband Darrell (Robert Patrick). Meanwhile, 
Darrell is giggling like an obnoxious teenager behind her. I 
already want to slap him. But the judge wants to grant him 
custody because even though he is an immature, irresponsible 
sleezebag, he has a job. And Erin doesn't. Never mind that she 
insists she lost her job *because* of Darrell...

Now we go to a stripclub where the first woman we see has 
breasts so absurd that I imagine they would deflate if you 
poked them with a needle. Then a woman comes out dressed like 
Baby Spice's slutty sister (or maybe just Baby Spice) and 
starts her routine with her thumb planted firmly in her mouth. 
I am not even going to THINK about the Freudian implications 
of this...

Obviously, Erin has gotten a new job as a stripper. Yeah, 
because *that* will change the judge's mind... Demi Moore is 
actually a good dancer. Don't get me wrong here - I know 
nothing about stripping - but I *do* know something about 
dancing and Demi has the grace (not to mention the legs) of a 
dancer.

Anyway, she goes to White Trash Central to talk to Darrell's 
family...or maybe just his friends...I wasn't really paying 
attention. Apparently the prick up and moved - taking their 
daughter with him - without informing her of where he was 
going and these people are her best chance at finding him since 
he calls them every week.

Instead of helping, though, the male half of the couple starts 
hitting on Erin. She pulls the old "wow, have I got a 
headache!" routine, but does it so badly that only a total 
moron would fall for it. So while the moron is getting her some 
asprin, she takes their phone bill from a pile of mail.

Cut to Darrell, who is telling their daughter that mommy plans 
to be too busy to call them. Lying bastard.

Meanwhile, Erin gets a note from a "regular" at the club who 
says he can help her get her daughter back. When she meets him 
he gives her flowers and calls her "Miss Grant." "You can call 
me Erin," she protests. "No, I can't," he says. "I worship you 
too much." Basically, this guy is a restraining order waiting 
to happen. But, he also has pictures of Congressman Dillbeck 
(played by Burt "any old crap movie role will do" Reynolds) at 
the stripclub clocking some shmuck over the head in a drunken 
fit because he tried to cop a feel of Erin. Mr. Stalker plans 
to use it to blackmail Dillbeck into convincing Judge Stick-Up-
His-Ass to change his mind in the Grant's custody case. So, 
naturally, the next time we see him is when his body is found 
floating in a river.

Back to the stripclub (aka: POP! PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!) where a 
cop (played by Armande Assante) starts asking Erin questions. 
She finally gives us an explanation (sort of) of why, exactly, 
Judge Dipshit thought it would be a good idea to give her 
daughter to her lying thief of an ex-husband. He is an 
informant for the "vice squad". She also tells us that she used 
to be an FBI secretary until she "got fired for having a 
defective husband". That's justifiable cause for firing somebody 
now? 'Cause if it is, I've got a few mutual friends (not to 
mention relatives) that I should warn... ;)

Fortunately for Erin, Darrell loses his informant status. 
Unfortunately, the judge has a heart attack on the same day 
because, well, life sucks. Her appeal will not be brought up 
for six months. So, she kidnaps her daughter. Way to teach your 
child right from wrong... 

She takes her daughter to work with her and has a couple other 
strippers watch her backstage while she does her number. Her 
daughter sneaks off though, and sees exactly what mommy does 
for a living. (Cue horrified gasps) 

Later, when she gets in her car, Darrell pops up from the back 
seat and holds a knife to her throat. Okay, show of hands: who 
all was surprised by this? Not me. I've come to expect the 
majority of Robert Patrick's characters to turn psycho at some 
point...

Anyway, Erin tells him that if he wants their daughter back 
he's going to have to kill her. He taunts, "You don't think I'm 
man enough to kill you?" "Y'know what," she snarks, "I think 
you're *all* man. That whole death row/lethal injection thing, 
that's not gonna scare you." The best part here is the look on 
Darrell's face as she says that. Fortunately, Ving Rhames shows 
up to beat the crap out of him before he can do anything 
stupid.

Meanwhile, Congressmen Pathetic has requested a "private dance" 
from Erin. This guy makes me want to throw up. He calls Erin 
his "angel" and says "touching your hand sets my loins on 
fire". "Maybe you should see a doctor," she responds. I like 
her.

Unfortunately, I can't bring myself to talk about the ending of 
this movie since a) I can't really remember what, exactly, 
happened and b) I do *not* want to watch it again to remind 
myself. 

I will say though that as far as I'm concerned the biggest flaw 
in the movie was not that it failed to be funny but that it 
even tried in the first place. It's like the writers realized 
when they got to the last five or ten minutes of screenplay 
that it was supposed to be a comedy and, to make up for the 
first hour and a half of mostly-serious, went straight for the 
kind of slapstick usually reserved for kiddie movies. 

Or maybe they just smoked a giant reefer and said "oh, fuck 
it!"


~Diandra Hollman